


Buses & Bunk Beds

by CupcakeCait



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Basically a whole lotta sex, Daddy Kink, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Ridiculous amounts of fluff, Threesome - F/M/M, zarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-02-28 10:36:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 75
Words: 181,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2729249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeCait/pseuds/CupcakeCait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I glanced over at Harry. He was looking back at me and I could see his mouth moving in that slow, sexy way of his, but I couldn't focus on what he was saying. I was too busy enjoying how pink and puffy his lips looked, imagining how soft they would feel and how red I could make them if I just leaned in and kissed him. I scooted closer to him and caught the scent of his shampoo. He smelled so clean and I wanted to bury my head in his curls and breathe him in. His eyes seemed to darken as he gazed at me. He was so fucking beautiful that it was almost painful to look at him, like staring at the sun.</p>
<p>Harry raised an eyebrow at me and licked his lips, and before I knew what I was doing I was leaning in to whisper in his ear. "I need you."</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Zayn finds himself drawn to one of his band mates after a game of Truth or Dare gets out of hand. The events of this drunken night lead Zayn and Harry to question everything that they thought they knew about themselves. Can love prevail when their attempts to navigate a relationship while living in the spotlight are thwarted by girlfriends, management, fans, and even the other members of One Direction?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> None of the pictures or gifs used here belong to me. Neither does One Direction (but if they did, I'd make them do dirty, dirty things to each other).

                                                                                    

 

These were the times when I didn't love what my life had become. I could handle the long hours of work, the constant interviews and press junkets, and I have to admit that performing for thousands of fans was the best fucking feeling in the world. I loved the buzz it gave me; the way it made me feel like my blood had been replaced by electricity. But it was the down time that got to me. The excruciating hours on the tour bus, traveling down road after road, through city after city that were all just stops along the way instead of places to explore and actually experience.

The days on the bus gave me too much time to think, my mind racing with thoughts of all that I was missing out on, which inevitably led to me cursing myself for not being more grateful for my life. I knew that I would be devastated if this wave were to end, and sometimes I felt the pressure to keep it going, to achieve more and more and more and to not let the other boys down like a physical weight upon my shoulders. I knew that I'd lucked out by getting into the group in the first place. My audition was shit, I couldn't dance, and I didn't have the charm and outgoing personality that the other lads had that made them so appealing to the fans.

I often wished that I could be more like Harry, with his cheeky comments and bright smile that no one seemed to be able to resist returning. He was always quick with a joke, and though they were often shit he couldn't seem to care less about the fact that no one ever laughed at them. I found myself trying to keep up with him, attempting to become a funnier and better version of Zayn when he was nearby.

These thoughts were swirling nonstop in my head as I attempted to rest in my bunk. We'd finished up a show a few hours before and were headed to some other city in Texas. At that point I wasn't even sure where; the States were so huge and so spread out that if I focused on the distance and endless open countryside too much it led to a dizziness that I wanted to avoid.

For once I was relieved to hear Louis shouting from the front of the bus, knowing that sleep wasn't going to come to me anytime soon. He was yelling something about Truth or Dare, and while I knew that it wasn't the wisest choice to join in on any of his antics, I couldn't help but think that a drink and some fun might help steer my thoughts in a more positive direction.

I pulled on a t-shirt and hopped down from my bunk, running a hand through my quiff to make sure that it was still perfect. It may have just been the guys on the bus, but I swore that sometimes I worried more about impressing them than I did the fans. As I headed towards the common area I could hear all of the guys laughing, and I felt myself smile for the first time in hours. I walked through the doorway to see Louis on one sofa with Harry sitting on the floor in front of him, Liam on the other sofa and Niall perched on the kitchen table. Niall's cheeks were a bright pink and he was clutching his stomach as he cackled, spilling a bit of his beer onto his shirt. They all had drinks in their hands and the bastards had obviously been partying for quite a while before asking me to join them. Liam, as usual, was the only one who seemed even remotely sober.

I reached down to the small fridge and pulled out a beer. "Anybody need a bevy?" I asked.

"One for me!" Harry shouted with a grin. I smirked at him and passed it over before taking a seat next to Liam.

"What're we playing?"

"Truth or dare!" they all yelled in unison. I swear, being in a boy band was starting to impact our day to day lives as well. Next we would all be dressing alike and performing air grabs as we walked down the street.

"Truth or dare, Zayn?" Harry asked.

"Dare I guess," I groaned. I didn't particularly like this game as I was always afraid of embarrassing myself in front of my mates.

"I dare you to chug your beer. You need to catch up to me," Harry said with a wink. I rolled my eyes but tilted my beer up, swallowing as quickly as I could while the boys chanted "drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker, drink!" Okay, maybe they were a little more pissed than I'd thought.

I finished the beer and felt it burn in my stomach. I hadn't eaten since before the concert, something I realized may have been a mistake when my eyes started to blur as I watched Harry crawl on the floor to grab another beer from the fridge. I felt my cheeks heat as he slowly made his way back to me and handed me a drink, cursing myself for not being able to tear my eyes away from him. Damn, I really was a lightweight. Yeah, that was all it was. _Sure_.

Wanting to push those uncomfortable thoughts out of my head, I put the bottle to my mouth, noticing Harry licking his lips as I did so. I looked away, taking several gulps. I glanced towards Louis, who was watching me with an strange look on his face. Shit. The last thing I wanted was for him to get suspicious. Not that there was anything to be suspicious about, but still.

Hoping to get his attention off of me, I turned to Niall. "Truth or dare, mate?"

"Three guesses and the first two don't count," he barked out in his thick accent.

"Dare it is," I giggled. Shit, if I was giggling already I might be in trouble. I shrugged it off and took another long pull on my beer, enjoying the relaxed feeling that was settling through my body and helping to numb that racing thoughts that had been plaguing me. "Well, you're not supposed to be drinking at all since we're in America, but since we're already ignoring that law I dare you to take a shot of vodka."

Niall and Louis groaned simultaneously, which I'd expected from Niall since he hated to drink anything but beer. I looked over at Lou, who sneered, "Oh, now I remember why no one calls you the ' _Bradford bad boi_ ' anymore."

I felt my cheeks heat up even more and my stomach clench a little, but I forced myself to laugh along with everyone else as I took a few more drinks of my beer. As I finished it I noticed Harry nudge Louis' knee with his shoulder and mouth "Lay off him," which had me letting out a genuine laugh.

Niall brought my attention back to game as he said, "No worries, mate. As far as I am concerned while we're stuck on this bus we are in the international land of lawlessness," before tossing back the shot that Liam had poured for him. "Oi fuck damn, that shit is nasty," he grimaced once he got it down, his lips puckering. We all laughed as I pulled out a sixer and handed one to everyone, keeping two for myself. I needed to catch up, after all.

The game continued for another round, with more drinks and shots being consumed. I heard a loud buzzing in my head and my eyes were starting to blur even more, giving everything a dreamlike quality. I couldn't stop stealing glances at Harry. He just lit up the room, and I found my heart beating a little harder every time I heard him laugh or saw him flip his hair back.

My furtive looks didn't go unnoticed by Louis, who seemed to get angrier with each drink he took, which was unusual for the normally upbeat lad. I started to feel paranoid, wondering what I'd done to annoy him. And then I started to get angry. This was the first time I had relaxed in what felt like forever, why couldn't he just let me be?

When it was my turn to ask again, I looked over at Lou and asked him if he wanted truth or dare. "Truth," he responded without looking at me. Oh now, he doesn't bother looking at me? What the fuck was going on with him? I could feel my annoyance building as I tried to think of a good question.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" I asked him bluntly. Harry burst out laughing, which made me feel a shot of pride until I looked back at Louis and saw him glaring at me. Fuck, I probably shouldn't have taken the piss out of him when he was already angry at me.

"Well, Zayn, you see it just annoys me when I see you trying so hard to show off. Is there someone here you're particularly wanting to impress?" he asked without taking his eyes off of me.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, trying to ignore the fist forming in my stomach. Liam cleared his throat. "Alright boys, it's just a game now. Your turn to ask, Louis."

Louis continued to stare at me before glancing down at Harry. I saw a wicked grin spread across his face and took a big chug of my drink, trying to push down the anxiety spreading though me. "Harry, truth or dare," he said and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Dare!" Harry shouted, pumping a fist in the air and grinning widely. I swear the cheeky bastard wasn't even aware of the tension in the room, which kind of made me love him even more. As a friend of course.

"I dare you to kiss Zayn."

I coughed and sputtered out a sip of my beer, immediately realizing that Louis planned on embarrassing me when Harry refused the dare. "That's stupid, what are we, in the fourth fucking grade?" I spat out at him indignantly.

I looked towards Harry and rolled my eyes again before noticing that he was already crawling over to me with a shit-eating grin on his face. Damn, did he really have to be on his hands and knees? I gulped and a bit of nervous laughter bubbled out of me. He straightened up on his knees between my legs before looking into my eyes.

"You know I never turn down a dare," he said with a wink. I felt my heart start to pound as he put his hands on my cheeks and pulled my face towards him. I sat up quickly and licked my lips before reminding myself that this wasn't something I wanted, just something that I had to get through. His tongue darted out to wet his pink - why were they always so fucking pink? - lips and I couldn't help but stare at them as he inched closer. Our lips grazed briefly and a jolt of electricity shot through me. I immediately pulled away and averted my eyes away from Harry, looking at anything else I could. Anything that wasn't him. The other guys were booing and Niall was giving us two thumbs down.

"That's bullocks, put on a show," he grumbled. I was about to protest when I felt Harry pull my shirt towards him, causing our lips to crash together. I gasped in surprise, allowing Harry to slip his tongue into my mouth. As soon as he did I heard a whooshing in my ears, blocking out the sounds of our band mates. Blocking out everything but Harry, and his lips, and his perfect, perfect tongue.

My head tilted a little to the side of it's own volition, and I felt my tongue slip into Harry's mouth. He moaned a little, and the sound made me come alive. I felt like I could feel him everywhere, from the tips of my fingers down to the pit of my stomach. I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted to hear that moan again. To be the cause of that moan again.

My hands reached for Harry's chest at the same time that his slid from my face down to my lower back, putting pressure there to bring me closer to his body. I felt my cock stir as our tongues continued to stroke one another's. I was just about to slide my hand down his chest to the front of his trackies when the sound of Niall's nervous laughter broke me out of my reverie. I pulled away just as Harry did, my cheeks flaming even more when I realized just how hard I was breathing. And just how hard I was.

Harry turned to look at the other boys with a naughty grin in place. "That's how you do it boys. Nobody does a dare better than Haz," he laughed gleefully.

Everyone laughed along with him but Louis and me. Harry then dared Liam to give Niall a lap dance before yawning and saying that he was headed to bed. Everyone knew not to argue with Harry when he wanted to sleep so we all groaned out a quick goodnight. I was tempted to follow him, to my own bunk of course, but the throbbing in my lower region kept me firmly planted in my seat.

The game continued and thankfully the only thing I had to do was drink more. I was glad to accept those dares, hoping to drown out the uneasy feelings flooding through me. After about ten minutes I'd calmed down enough to excuse myself and I headed towards the sleeping area. The boys were talking about playing Grand Theft Auto, so I knew they wouldn't be coming to bed anytime soon.

I walked towards my bunk and paused to remove my t-shirt and trackies and throw them onto my unmade bed. As I pulled my shirt over my head I heard a loud grunt from the bunk directly below mine. Harry's bunk. I froze where I stood and held my breath, trying to listen. I could hear heavy breathing and a slow slapping sound that made my heart beat a little faster. As the seconds went by the slapping seemed to speed up a bit, as did my heart rate.

Now I had always been a fan of comic books and superheros, but never before had I so wished for x-ray vision and supersonic hearing. But even without any super powers it was pretty obvious what Harry was doing, and the thought of it made all of my blood rush back to my dick.

As quietly as I could, I crawled up into my bunk, leaving the curtain open a little so that I could hear better. My cock was fully hard by the time I lied down, straining against the confines of my black boxer briefs. I wasted no time in pulling them down, not bothering to push them past my knees as my dick bounced up against my stomach, leaking already.

I licked my palm and wrapped it around myself, turning my head towards the opening in the curtain, and I could just make out the soft moans coming from below. I figured that this meant he hadn't heard me come to bed, and my breathing began to pick up in anticipation as I rubbed my thumb across my tip and the spread the moisture there over the rest of me.

I wanted to savor this but I could hear Harry's pants getting louder and I didn't want him to finish before me. I heard a low moan from him and couldn't hold back my own, my hand starting to move faster and my eyes squeezing shut. Images of Haz in the bed below me flashed through my mind, and I started fisting myself furiously. I imagined him naked on top of his sheets, biting his lip as he thrusted into his hand.

The image of him in my bunk with me appeared in my mind next, him kneeling above me and pumping both of our cocks at the same time as he stared down at me. The thought was too much for me, picturing him coming onto my stomach as I grunted out his name and came as well, our juices mingling together, hot and sticky on my abs.

My shoulders arched off of the bed as I came as hard as I could ever remember, biting my lip to avoid making too much noise. I could hear Harry coming as well, short gasps followed by a loud grunt falling from his lips before I heard him moan out one word.

"Zayn."

I froze immediately, torn between a still overwhelming lust and a sickening feeling of guilt. That was undoubtedly one of the best orgasms of my life, but why had I felt the need to do it while listening to Harry? And it was a need; I'd felt like I had no choice in the matter. Like I would have been fighting against gravity itself to keep my hand off my dick in that moment. And fuck if it didn't feel fantastic.

I tried to brush off the feeling that I had done something wrong, rationalizing that I wanked almost every night anyway, so it wasn't really a big deal if I did it at the same time that someone else was doing it. Right?

And had I really heard Harry say my name when he came? That couldn't be. Had he heard me? Shit, what had I done now? I quickly cleaned myself up, pulled my pants back on and rolled over. I still was pretty buzzed, which was good because I knew that sleep was the only thing that would stop these nagging thoughts. But despite the confusion I felt, I still drifted off to sleep with a lazy smile on my face.


	2. Chapter 2

                                                                              

 

The next morning I woke up with a start, images of the night before flooding my mind. Truth or Dare...the kiss...overhearing Harry...coming so hard I thought I was exploding...how the fuck had I let things get so out of control? I groaned and pressed my fists to my eyes, worse case scenarios running through my head. What if Harry had heard me? What would I say to him? How would I be able to look him in the eye?

Like the coward I was, I stayed in bed as long as I could, ignoring the sounds of the other guys waking up and moving about the bus. Around 11:00 I got a text from Paul that it was time to meet with the trainer in the weight room in the arena we'd arrived at during the night.

I knew that I couldn't avoid the boys any longer, so I swung out of my bunk and got ready. Everyone else had already left, so I exited the bus alone and met up with a bodyguard who escorted me inside. I took a deep breath before entering the exercise room and tried to look normal, even though I had forgotten what normal felt like.

The guys were all hanging around, their workouts not having started yet. They each said hello as I walked towards them, and Harry smiled widely at me as I approached the group. Actually, 'smiled' doesn't begin to describe it. He lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. What the fuck did that mean?

Part of me wanted to grin right back at him, but the other part was confused. I tried to think back to how he usually greeted me but my mind was drawing a blank. Was he thinking about last night? Would things be different between us now?

Then Harry held up his gloved hands and said, "Ready to rumble Sugar Ray?" and just like that I realized that nothing had changed in his eyes. This was the same old Harry being playful and goofy like he was with everyone. I expected to feel relieved, but instead a heavy weight settled onto my chest. This was what I wanted, right? For last night to be forgotten as a drunken one off? But for some reason pretending that it all never happened felt wrong to me, deep in my bones. I guess that while Harry remained unchanged by last night's events, I couldn't say the same.

Trying to shrug off my disappointment, I swatted Harry's arm and returned everyone's greetings. The trainer entered then and we all began our respective workouts. I tried to focus on my training and to push all other worries out of my mind. By the end I the session I was a sweaty mess, having pushed myself far harder than I generally did. Unfortunately I was only partially successful in settling my mind, but I made the decision to try to act as I always had with all the guys from that point forward.

As the day progressed, that proved harder to do than I'd hoped. I found myself being hyper-aware of all things Harry. I felt it when he entered a room before I saw or heard him. It was like the air became sharper somehow. Crisper, making it easier to see details I might have overlooked previously. Like how broad his shoulders were and how his chocolate curls had lighter streaks woven through them. I made a mental note to ask Lou if she had highlighted his hair or if the golden parts were natural. Jesus, I was turning into a fucking girl here. You do  _not_  give a fuck about anyone's hair Zayn.

I had always enjoyed attention from Harry, but now I found myself basking in it. Hell, I fucking craved it. I caught myself comparing how he treated me to how he acted towards the rest of the guys, counting up smiles and touches like I needed them to live. Like they could add up to him feeling like I did. But I never really felt like I was pulling ahead of the other boys in the race that logically I knew existed only in my mind. Harry was sweet and affectionate with everyone, handing out love like it didn't affect him at all. Like there was no risk to him that it wouldn't be returned. I guess for him there wasn't.

Sound check and the show that night went well, though I did stumble over my lyrics in Little Things when I noticed Harry looking at me. Jesus, did he look at everyone with so much sincerity and fucking love written on his face? Deep down I suspected that he did. Despite knowing this, I couldn't keep my heart from beating a little faster when he looked directly at me when he sang "you're perfect to me."

After the show and taking pictures with some fans, we all headed back to the bus. We had the next day off, so Paul wanted to know if we wanted to stay a hotel. Louis was keen on heading to a local club he'd heard about from a fan, and Niall and Liam quickly agreed to go with him. I said I would pass and just stay in. Perrie and I had broken up a few months before but as far as the public knew we were still together. It was good for her career and for my image after the whole cheating scandal, but it meant that I couldn't really pull any girls without further damaging my reputation.

We decided to stay on the bus, since most of the guys would be coming home too smashed to notice where they were sleeping anyways. Plus, more often than not the fans found out what hotel we were staying at and camped outside or even did their best to hunt down our rooms. At least on the bus we were securely locked inside the arena with security outside to keep prying eyes away from us.

Harry had stayed quiet during the whole discussion, and I'd assumed he was heading out with the lads. So I was surprised to find him sitting alone on the sofa when I got back from grabbing dinner with one of the crew members.

I felt my pulse quicken at the sight of him in just a beanie and some gym shorts, but I told myself that it was just due to some lingering worries over last night's awkwardness. I pushed those thoughts away and settled down on the same sofa as him, keeping about a foot of space between us.

"What're you doing here? I thought you were heading out?"

"Nah, felt like staying in," he stated simply.

"Not in the mood to pull some birds?" I asked before cringing inwardly. Pull some birds. Real smooth Zayn,  _real fucking smooth_.

Fortunately Harry just laughed and scooted over a bit to bump me with his shoulder. "You and I both know they can't handle what I'm packing," he said with a smirk.

I sputtered out a laugh and leaned down to grab a beer from the fridge before he could see my cheeks turn pink. I offered him one as well and he accepted readily. "Want to watch a movie?"

"Sure, why not," I replied. We settled on Love Actually since it was Harry's favorite and he insisted that it would put us in the Christmas spirit despite the toasty Texas weather. I'm secretly a sucker for all that sappy shit, so I kept my grumbling to a minimum.

The movie started and I tried my hardest to focus on it instead of the fact that Harry had plopped down right next to me after putting the dvd in, causing us to touch all the way from our shoulders to our legs. I tried to force my body to relax, but I swear I could feel my skin pulsating at all the points that we were touching. And then just thinking of the word 'pulsating' led my thoughts off on a whole different, more dangerous tangent.

I wasn't paying attention to the movie at all, but I was certainly paying attention to Harry, so I made sure that I laughed whenever he did. I loved all of his different laughs, from the loud bark that he seemed unable to contain to his mischievous giggle.

He sang along to all of the songs, and I found myself captivated by his gravelly voice despite the fact that I had heard it almost daily for the past few years. I'd always admired it, but never before had it sent vibrations directly to my cock. I started imagining him singing softly into my ear, which led to me thinking of how he'd moaned into my mouth the night before, and how it had sounded like he'd groaned out my name when he came. Before I knew it my face was hot and I had to squirm in my seat to try to hide my hard on. Christ, who gets hard watching Love Actually? Me, that's fucking who. Apparently.

Harry noticed me moving around and put his hand on my knee while looking at me questioningly. His steady green gaze and his touch were both decidedly not helping my situation, but I just smiled at him and crossed my legs to hide my tent. This, however, caused Harry's hand to slide higher up my thigh, and he didn't bother to move it. He'd always been a touchy feely motherfucker, but it had never effected me this way before.

I quickly finished my beer, trying to calm myself down. I wanted another one, but I didn't think I could get one out while still hiding my hard on. I noticed Harry's was gone too, so I asked him to get us some more. He gave me a look and said, "They're literally right next to you Zee."

I tried to ignore the way my nickname sounded on his lips, shaking my head and reminding him, "Yeah, but I got them last time. You owe me."

He chuckled and said, "Oh, I owe you huh?" With a wicked glint he then proceeded to launch himself across my lap to reach the fridge. His stomach landed roughly on top of me and he stilled for a second before recovering and reaching his long arms into the fridge to grab our drinks. I immediately scrunched my face up in embarrassment, knowing that he could feel how turned on I was.

Harry slowly pushed himself off of me and back into his previous position before popping open his beer. I made sure to keep my face blank and my eyes glued to the screen, not moving a muscle. After taking a long pull of his drink, Harry turned to face me and said in a low voice, "So Zayn, you  _really_ like Christmas movies, don't you?"

Mortified as I was, I couldn't help laughing along with him as I buried my face in my hands. I didn't know what to say, so I mumbled out a quick "Sorry."

"S' okay. Happens to all of us. I got a boner during that bloody game last night," he stated calmly. I looked over at him with my mouth open, feeling my heartbeat pick up a bit at this revelation. Was he taking the piss out of me? His tone had been totally nonchalant, but I could see a bit of nervousness in his eyes as he looked back at me.

I wanted to put him at ease, so I said, "It's few and far between who don't get turned on kissing the famous Zayn Malik."

Harry grinned. "True, true. Now I have two questions for you. One, how did you learn to do that thing with your tongue? And two, what exactly is it about Emma Thompson that makes you so horny? Do you have some sort of Nanny McPhee fetish?"

He squeezed my thigh right above the knee, knowing how ticklish I was there. My whole leg jerked up, and I decided to go into full on offensive mode. I jumped on top of him, grabbing his wrists with one hand and holding them to his chest while my other hand tickled his waist. He began howling and squirming but I was straddling him with a leg on each side of him, making it difficult for him to get me off of him.

We struggled playfully for a few moments, our breathing becoming heavier and heavier before he made a last ditch attempt to push me off of him by bucking his hips up against mine. I couldn't help the gasp that escaped my mouth when he did so, his hardness apparent. I stilled my motions but made no move to get off of him or to release his hands.

We stared at each other for a moment, our breathing showing no signs of slowing down. I could feel his heart beating rapidly where my hand was holding his together against his chest. "I guess I'm not the only one who likes this movie," I murmured, barely recognizing my voice, laced as it was with what sounded a lot like lust.

A slow smile spread across his face, and damn if it wasn't the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. "Yeah, but for me it's all about Alan Rickman. I think it stems from a very kinky dream I once had about Hans Gruber," he said in that low, slow way of his.

I felt like my heart doubled in size at his comment. Only with Harry could I be equally turned on and amused. I let out a deep breath and dropped my forehead to his. "What are we doing?"

"Well, I think you were about to show me that tongue trick of yours again."

My head shot up but before I could search his eyes for a clue as to his thoughts he pried his hands out of my grasp and put them on my face, pulling me roughly towards him. Our lips collided almost painfully, but he immediately softened the kiss, tilting his head to the side and opening his mouth a bit. I couldn't help but respond. Hell, I practically melted into the kiss. This time my tongue slipped in first, and my hands went up to his hair, pushing off his beanie and realizing for the first time just how fucking soft his curls were.

His hands fisted my shirt for a minute before wrapping around my waist. Kissing Harry was so different than kissing a girl, yet so familiar at the same time. That was until he slid his hands lower and pulled me closer to him. Our hips ground together and I discovered another reason why kissing a guy was so fucking fantastically different than kissing a girl. Not just any guy though. Harry. I couldn't help but roll my hips against him again, and we both moaned into each other's mouths.

After that it was game on. Our kisses became more frantic and I pulled roughly at his hair, which he seemed to enjoy as much as I did. He slid one hand down to my butt and the other one up the back of my shirt, holding me as close to him as possible. My mind was racing just as fast as my heart was; both consumed with one thing.

Harry.

Harry.

Harry.

I continued to grind against him as he bucked up towards me, both of us searching for any friction we could find. He pulled his mouth away before kissing down my jaw and sucking harshly on my neck. "So fucking good Zayn," I heard him mumble into my skin.

I leaned forward and skimmed my tongue over the shell of his ear before tugging on his lobe with my teeth. "I've never been this fucking hard," I whispered in his ear before kissing my way back towards his mouth.

"Fuck yeah, don't stop," he breathed before biting my bottom lip and slipping his tongue back into my mouth. His hands slid against my bare skin to find my hips. He squeezed them and pressed them down, creating even more friction between us. I felt like I was hanging off of a speeding train, and I knew there was no way to stop.

Soon we were unable to continue kissing, the intense pleasure of feeling his cock rubbing against mine causing me to pant heavily against his mouth. "Don't stop. Gonna come so fucking hard," he groaned. I nearly came at his words, humping into him harder and feeling my stomach tighten in anticipation.

"Me too Harry. Fuck, you feel so fucking good," I moaned as the pressure began to be too much for me and I started to buck wildly against him while moving my head down to his neck to bite down on any flesh I could find.

His hips started to jerk sporadically and I heard him grunt out, "You always make me come so hard Zayn...fuck," before holding my hips in place as we both came, hard and fast.

We stayed in that position for a few minutes, both trying to catch our breath. As I came down from my high I realized what he'd said.  _Always. I always make him come so hard_. Did that mean he had been thinking about me last night? Had he thought about me other times as well?

As the lust began to clear from my mind I realized that my lips were still attached to Harry's neck. I pulled back and risked a glance at him. His eyes were half hooded and he gave me a slow and sexy smile. Then he cleared his throat and said in a serious tone, "I think we have a bit of situation here."

I felt my whole body tense up, fearing that he was already regretting this. My mind started racing, chastising myself for feeling so fucking... _delicious_  while he's just wanting me to get off of his lap so that he can put this whole... _mistake_  behind him. I felt him squeeze my hips and when I looked at him I saw him look pointedly down at our laps with a chuckle. Realization dawned as I noticed for the first time just how uncomfortable the mess in my shorts was becoming.

I laughed along with him and gingerly moved myself off of his lap. "I guess we better go get cleaned up then."

Just as he opened his mouth to reply we heard Louis loudly greeting the security guard stationed outside of the bus. We both looked at each other and then down at our obviously wet pants before scrambling towards the back of the bus, tripping over each other as we ran. We crammed into the tiny bathroom and shut the door behind us before cracking up. Harry hurriedly grabbed some flannels from the shelf and wet them, handing one to me. The cloth was freezing cold, and I let out a yelp upon placing it on my hot skin, which caused another round of laughter.

We heard the bathroom doorknob jingle a bit before Liam's voice came through the door. "Zayn? Harry? Are you both in there?"

"What the fuck are you doing in there?" Louis slurred drunkenly.

"Ummm, just...brushing our teeth!" Harry shouted before spitting repeatedly into the sink and motioning for me to do the same. I made some gargling noises and hocked a loogie into the sink, which earned another laugh from Harry.

"Well hurry the bloody hell up, I've gotta piss," we heard Louis grumble.

"What about our shorts?" I whispered frantically, pointing down at our wet fronts.

"Quick, take your shirt off," Harry whispered while splashing water from the sink onto his chest. Once my shirt was on the floor he splashed me as well before grabbing a towel for each of us and heading out of the bathroom. "Never get into a water fight with this one," he said to the three other boys while wiping off his wet chest and being sure to keep his crotch covered.

I followed suit and walked back behind Harry towards our bunks. Unfortunately Niall walked behind us, so I couldn't manage more than a fleeting glance at Harry before he climbed into his bed and drew the curtain closed. He didn't look back at me, and I wasn't sure what that meant for me. For us. Was there even an us? Did I want there to be? I nodded at Niall as he said goodnight and started singing what sounded a lot like a limerick. I climbed up into my bunk, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach.


	3. Chapter 3

                                                                                    

 

The next few days passed by in a blur. In addition to our usual shows and meet and greets we had to squeeze in rehearsals for our upcoming performance at the Christmas in Washington concert that was going to be aired live on TNT on Christmas eve. It meant that we weren't going to be home for the holiday, but we all agreed that it was worth it to sing for the President of the United States.

But due to all of the rushing around I hadn't had a chance to speak with Harry about the other night. Which wasn't to say that I hadn't been thinking about it. I had. A lot. As much as I tried to push the thoughts of it out of my head, I couldn't help but get turned on every time I thought about how he had felt sitting underneath me. About how he had looked when he came. I felt like a fucking schoolboy again, getting hard at the most inappropriate times and having to shove my hands in my pockets or find somewhere to sit down to cover up. I even briefly considered carrying a book with me at all times in case I needed to cover my crotch, just like I had done when I was twelve.

And I couldn't remember ever having jerked off so much. Certainly not since I'd first discovered just how good touching myself could feel. It was like that again, finding any privacy I could before pumping myself relentlessly while thinking about Harry's warm, wet mouth and his big, rough hands. I didn't know what these thoughts meant, and I didn't want to think about why a guy was making me feel this way. A deeply ingrained part of me knew that I should be ashamed of these feelings, but it was Harry and Harry was the best of all of us, so how could caring about him ever be wrong? Besides, it was probably more about admiring him and wanting to be more like him than about wanting to be  _with_  him.

We hadn't gotten a single moment alone, and I honestly had no idea what he was thinking. Or if he even was thinking about me at all. I'd always been close with Harry, ever since Simon had announced that we had a second chance and that we were going to be a group. I was in shock at Simon's words but couldn't help the grin that spread across my face as I saw Harry bounding across the stage towards me like a giant fucking golden retriever, curls bouncing and dimples blazing. He scooped me up and I swear that I had never been hugged like that before. Not even my mum had ever held me that tight. It was like I could feel his life force pouring into me. And that was how it had been ever since. I'd always been shy, and I still was in comparison to the other boys, but around Harry I felt more confident than I did on my own. That was one of the reasons that it felt so disconcerting to feel as insecure around him as I had of late.

And now here I was sat next to him on the flight to DC. I wasn't sure whether I was glad to be near him or not. He was his normal happy self, joking around with Louis and pulling faces at Lux to make her giggle. I kept quiet, not sure if I was more nervous about Harry and me or the impending takeoff.

As everyone buckled up and the plane began taxiing down the runway, Harry turned to me with a serious look in his eyes. "You alright Zee? I know you've never been one for flying."

"I'm okay bro." I tried to smile at him but he wasn't buying it and put his hand over mine.

"Don't worry, I'll keep you safe," he whispered, and this time my smile was genuine. I let out a deep breath that it felt like I'd been holding for days. He made me completely forget about the flight as we chatted for a bit about how the show had gone earlier that night. I was relieved that there didn't seem to be any tension between us, though that didn't stop me from blushing when he leaned in close and asked, "Want to watch a movie? Maybe they've got an Emma Thompson flick. I know how much you like them."

"I'd rather watch Die Hard, unless you think you can't handle it," I replied with one eyebrow raised.

"Well it is a Christmas movie, so you know, two birds, one stone," he chuckled as he began to flick through the options. Luckily first class had On Demand and amazingly enough, Die Hard was available. Harry ordered it before asking the flight attendant for a blanket.

Since it was quite late the lights had been dimmed throughout the cabin. I looked around and realized that everyone else seemed to be asleep. Harry spread the blanket over both of our laps and leaned in close as Christmas in Hollis began to play on the screen in front of me. Cuddled up like this, sharing a set of earphones on the dark plane, it was easy to feel like we were in our own little world.

Harry and I both laughed at the first appearance of Hans Gruber, and he began to repeat the lines into my ear with a terrible German accent. It gave me goosebumps, feeling his hot breath against my skin and knowing that if I moved just a little to my left that I might be able to feel his tongue. The anticipation of what could happen made me crazy. Made me brave. When he leaned in to whisper "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho," I turned my head towards him, holding my face less than an inch in front of his. The last "ho" died on his lips, and he quickly closed the space between us, touching his lips to mine. It was just a peck and only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to get my cock stirring.

I looked around the cabin quickly and didn't see any movement. I moved both of my hands beneath the blanket and watched as Harry shifted the arm rest up and out of the way and put his hands underneath as well. Our legs had already been flush against each other, but with the arm rest no longer acting as a barrier I couldn't help but slide closer to him. I could feel the heat radiating off his body as my heart rate began to pick up.

I  wasn't sure if we were being brave or just plain stupid, but I placed the hand closest to him on his thigh. He responded immediately, shifting his body towards mine and sliding his hand under my shirt to rub small circles right above the waistband of my boxer briefs. My skin felt like it was on fire wherever he touched me and all of my blood seemed to leave my head, rushing straight to my dick.

I wanted to see if he could possibly be having the same reaction to me that I was having to him, so in a moment of boldness I moved my hand directly onto his lap. I was rewarded with a low moan from him, and I felt a moment of pride when I felt how turned on he was. How hard he was for me. I began to stroke him as much as I could through his tight jeans, wishing desperately that he was wearing the trackies that he'd had on a few nights before on the bus.

"This is the first time I've wished that I didn't wear such tight fucking pants," Harry whispered into my ear, echoing my thoughts. "Do you see what you do to me?"

I couldn't hold back my moan as he bit my earlobe and began kissing down the side of my neck. His hand moved to the button of my jeans and he fumbled with it for a second before managing to undo it one-handed. My zipper came down next and I started shaking. I literally couldn't fucking wait for him to touch me as I began to palm him more vigorously.

He wrapped a hand around me through my briefs and I blushed, knowing that he could feel the precome already pooling there. Then he started to move his hand up and down my length, and all coherent thought left my mind. I dropped my head back against the seat and bit the palm of my free hand to keep quiet. I resisted the urge to thrust up into his grip and turned to look at him, our faces right next to one another. His eyes were hooded and he looked so goddamn sweet yet so fucking dirty that I couldn't help but lean into him and capture his mouth in a sloppy kiss.

I pulled away from him after a moment, moving both of my hands onto his lap and attempting to undo his jeans. "Thank fuck," he said with a smirk while continuing to pump me. I could barely focus because of how good his hand felt wrapped around me, so it took me longer than it should have to undo his button. Just as I reached for his zipper I was startled by the sound of the pilot's voice coming into the cabin through the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be starting our descent into DC now. The weather there is clear though a bit chilly at 35 degrees. We should have you safely on the ground within the next 30 minutes or so."

The lights came on in the cabin then and everyone began to stir, and Harry and I both froze. I quickly removed my hands and sat up a bit straighter. Harry, on the other hand, continued to rub me up and down slowly for several more strokes before releasing me. I couldn't help but groan at the loss of contact, even though I knew it was necessary We both did up our pants and straightened our clothes as best we could, making sure to keep the blanket over our laps until we'd calmed down.

I avoided looking at him, not sure how this had happened, especially on a crowded fucking plane. Lately I had felt so out of control around Harry, but also more alive than I had ever felt before. Kisses had never been hotter, my dick had never been harder, and I'd never felt as awake as I was when I was with him. But thinking along these lines wasn't doing anything to help get rid of my hard on, which was refusing to go away. I had been so fucking close, and I was aching for release. I focused on the movie for a few minutes before I risked a glance at him.

He was chewing on his lip and looking at the screen, but he must have felt my eyes on him because he turned to face me. He let go of his bottom lip and gave me a slow smile, looking up at me through his lashes. He leaned into the ear without the earphone in and whispered, "How long until we can finish what we started?"

My heart leapt at his words. "How about as long as it takes to get from the plane to your hotel room?" I whispered back, moving my hand back under the blanket to rub my pinkie against his.

His smile grew at that, and I decided that flying wasn't so bad after all.


	4. Chapter 4

                                                                                    

 

Unfortunately management had a different plan for us. While heading to our hotel at 5:00 am seemed perfectly reasonable to us, Modest thought of it as a great opportunity to plug our upcoming concert on the morning radio show circuit. We were shuttled from talk show to talk show, yukking it up and laughing along with the hosts and doing our best to put our  _winning personalities_  on display.

Most of the interviews were filmed as well, so we had a couple wardrobe changes along the way. Caroline knew each of our personal styles pretty well, so I generally just wore whatever she told me to, but today I saw an Elvis t-shirt that I thought Harry would appreciate. I pulled it on, and was rewarded with a smile and a wink from Harry as he noticed it. He eyed me up and down, and I felt my body heat up under his gaze.

I suspected that he was as disappointed as I was that we'd been interrupted on the plane, and that he was looking forward to heading to the hotel as well. He seemed to be finding as many excuses to touch me as possible, and I was lapping the attention up. To the other guys it probably just appeared that we were our normal joking selves, though possibly a bit more giddy than usual due to tiredness. But I noticed the subtle shift in Harry's demeanor. The way he leaned into my touch as I ruffled his curls, and how his hand lingered on my cheek as we play fought with one another.

We seemed to become more bold as the day wore on. During one particularly long interview all five of us were crammed together on one couch. I was sandwiched in between Louis and Harry, and I was having trouble focusing on the interviewer due to Harry being so close. At one point it became obvious that neither of us were paying attention to anything but each other. We were all pressed against one another, but he somehow managed to lean in even closer and whisper, "You smell so good Zee," before wrapping his arm around my waist. I practically fucking melted into him and he began to nuzzle my chin and cheek, completely oblivious to the camera.

It felt so good, and I tightened my arm around his shoulder to bring him closer before I felt Louis tense beside me. He flipped his hair and I looked up to see management gesticulating for Harry and I to separate. I did so reluctantly, though I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach that we'd gone too far. Hopefully it looked like he was just whispering something in my ear. Hopefully people wouldn't be able to tell how turned on I was getting.

The interview continued and we raved about our fans and how much we loved being on tour  _blah blah blah_  before the talk turned a little more personal.

"Harry, how's your love life going? Is there someone special you're hoping to spend the holidays with?"

"Ummm, I'm not sure. There might be," he answered slowly, a grin brightening his face as he snuck a glance at me.

I tried and failed miserably to hide my smile. Hell, I was pretty much glowing at the thought that he could be talking about me. The interviewer snapped me out of my happy musings as she turned her attention to me.

"How about you Zayn? Do you and Perrie have any romantic plans for the holiday season?"

I immediately went into business mode. Luckily management had told me of Perrie's whereabouts earlier, so I was prepared with an answer.

"We're both so busy working that unfortunately we won't get to see each other for a bit. She's in Australia right now, but I've arranged for a special surprise for her." I could feel Harry pull away from me as I spoke and I looked over to see him frowning.

"It must be hard having a long distance relationship. What sort of romantic things do you guys like to do?"

"Well she means the world to me, and we make sure that we talk and Skype several times a day. As long as you have love and trust I think you can make it through anything." I knew that I was just digging myself deeper and pissing Harry off more, but I honestly didn't know how else to respond.

The interview wrapped up a few minutes later and we were led to a van that was set to take us to a nearby hotel. I tried to climb in after Harry but he barreled his way into the middle row, squeezing himself in between Niall and Liam. I sat in the back with Louis and tried to convince myself that I was worried about nothing.

But when we arrived at the hotel Harry stepped out of the lift at the last minute, claiming that it was too crowded and that he would catch the next one. I made my way to my room and collapsed on the bed. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

I awoke to the sound of someone banging on my door. I sat up with a start, noticing that it was now dark outside. The pounding continued and I slowly got up and yanked the door open.

Harry stood there with his hand raised, ready to knock again. "What're you doing here?"

"I heard you put out," he replied with a wink, pushing his way past me and plopping down on the bed.

"No, I mean, I thought you were mad at me..." I trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence without angering him more.

He paused before answering. "I was mad. But then I came to the conclusion that I'm far hornier for you than I am mad at you."

"You know I just have to pretend like it's all good with me and Perrie, right? It doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry if I upset you," I blurted out before worrying that I was rambling too much. "I mean, I know you don't really care, but me and Per-"

I was abruptly cut off when Harry stood up and closed the space between us in one long stride. He put a finger to my lips and almost shouted, "Just shut up Zayn. Please, don't say her name again."

I kept quiet, my lips buzzing where his finger remained against my skin. He took a step closer to me, our bodies gently pressing against one another. I took a deep breath as he grasped my lower lip between his forefinger and his thumb. "That's better. Now, where were we?" He paused and cocked his head at me. "This time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly," he drawled in what I assumed was supposed to be another Hans Gruber impression.

I smiled at him and motioned towards the bed. "Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"No, but there  _is_  something I've been wanting to watch for a while," he said as he put his hands on my waist and pushed me backwards until my knees hit the bed. He shoved my shoulders and I sprawled back onto it, a nervous laugh escaping my throat.

"Aren't you going to ask me to join you?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.

I cleared my throat and scooted over a bit before responding. "What is you want to see?"

"You."

"Me? What do you mean?"

"I want to see what you do when you think about me," Harry said, speaking even more slowly than normal, enunciating each word, as if what he was telling me was of utmost importance and he didn't want me to miss anything. "What you were doing the other night in your bunk."

I sucked in a breath as I felt my dick respond. "Did you...did you hear me?"

"Mmmhmm. And I know you heard me too. I came so hard picturing what you were doing, and now I wanna see it," he said in that deep, sexy way of his, crawling onto the bed next to me.

"What should I do?"

"Are you hard?" I nodded. "Show me." I took a deep breath, then unbuttoned my jeans and slid them off slowly, never taking my eyes off of his face. Once my pants were on the floor I saw him scan my body, his gaze lingering on my tight boxer briefs. "Tell me who did that to you Zayn. Who made you that hard?"

"You."

"And what do you want to do now?"

"Ummm, come?" I said, clearing my throat when I realized that my response had sounded too much like a question. "Come for you," I stated more firmly, earning a smile from him.

"Show me," he ordered as he began to palm himself through his jeans. I pushed my hand under the waistband of my underwear and dropped my head back against the bed, but he wasn't having it.

"No, I need to see you," he said, rubbing himself more roughly. I pulled my shirt off over my head with one hand and then pushed my briefs off, quickly wrapping my hand around myself.

Harry licked his lips as I rubbed my thumb across my tip, spreading the moisture there down my length. "You look so fucking good Zayn."

"Look how hard you make me Harry."

He moaned at my words and lied down so that his mouth was next to my ear. "What are you thinking about?"

"You."

"What about me? Huh Zayn? What about me makes you come the hardest?"

"Everything. Your mouth, your hands...that kiss. Fucking everything...," I groaned, unable to continue speaking as my hand began to move faster.

"That's it, think about my hand wrapped around you."

My hips jerked off of the bed at his words. "I wanna see you too. Are you as hard as I am?"

"So fucking hard," he said as he quickly sat up and pulled his jeans and boxers down. Once he shuffled out of them he yanked his shirt off and climbed over me, sitting up with a knee on either side of me. I glanced up at his length as he took it in his hand and my eyes widened as I drank him in. I had seen Harry naked plenty of times, but never when he was hard, and the sight of him made me get even harder.

We started to jerk in off in unison, our tips only inches apart. I couldn't take my eyes off of his hand as he slowly stroked himself up and down, and he seemed equally riveted by my motions.

"Have you thought about me like this before?" I managed to ask as my breathing got heavier.

"Yes," he whimpered. "So many times. But you look even hotter than I'd imagined." He inched closer as he spoke, until he was pressed lightly against me. I moaned at the contact and began to thrust into my hand more quickly. I made sure to brush against him with every jerk of my hips, and soon I could feel the back of his hand sliding against me as he continued to pump himself.

"Are you close? I'm so fucking close Harry."

"Me too. Come with me. Wanna see you come. Gonna come all over you."

I could feel my stomach tightening and my spine tingling as I moved my hand faster, doing my best to hold the tip of my dick against his. His body began to jerk as his hand beat out an erratic pace. "Fuck Zayn...fuck babe," he panted.

Seeing him come undone and feeling the hot spurts land across my abs sent me over the edge. "Yes Harry, come on me. Fuck, I'm coming too," I moaned out, feeling myself spill.

Harry collapsed onto the bed beside me, his heavy breaths matching mine. We lied there for a few moments, letting our heart rates slow down.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing we didn't try that on the plane, " he finally said, turning his head to look at me with a small smile.

I barked out a laugh. "Yeah, you're probably right. Though I would have loved to see the stewardess' face if we had." We stayed still for a few more moments, enjoying the remnants of our high.

Soon I saw Harry glance over at the clock on the nightstand. "Shit, rehearsal starts soon."

I groaned, not wanting to move from my bed or to share Harry with anyone else. He hopped up from the bed and walked to the bathroom, returning with two damp flannels.

"Clean yourself up Romeo. You look like a glazed donut," he said with a wicked gleam in his eye. "Let's get this show on the road. The quicker we get down there the quicker we can get back up here."

I smiled as I took the towel from him. I suddenly found myself looking forward to whatever adventures might be in store for us the rest of the evening. As long as I had Harry by my side, I vowed to do my best to just sit back and enjoy the ride.


	5. Chapter 5

                                                                                    

 

I was going crazy. That was the only explanation. Rehearsal had ended a few hours before and I was sitting in Niall's hotel room, surrounded by some of the crew and a bunch of people that I didn't recognize. Most of them looked to be around my age, and I had no idea how Niall had met them in the short time we had been in DC. That was just Niall though, always making new friends.

The drinks were flowing and they had hit me like a mack truck. I was drunk, but I wasn't wasted enough not to notice that I was losing my fucking mind. I couldn't take my eyes off of Harry. Off of the reason that I'd been hard for half the night.

He was stupid drunk, and he'd lost his shirt at some point during the night, probably taking it off just to torture me. He swayed his hips to the loud music, never looking my way, seemingly oblivious to everything but the beat and the drink in his hand. He looked every bit like the rock star he was and he took my fucking breath away. When the lights hit him just right I could see beads of sweat running down his body, and I wanted nothing more than for my tongue to chase after them. I wanted to taste every one of his tattoos and to bite the skin at his hips.

I could feel myself becoming obsessed and I wasn't sure how to stop. Or if I even wanted to stop. I didn't know what to make of my feelings towards him, and even through the haze in my mind I still knew that some sort of monumental shift had occurred inside of me. And I had no idea if he felt the same way.

I watched in horror as a girl began dancing around him before sliding her butt back against his crotch.  _Whore_.

Harry, however, didn't seem to mind one bit. He put one hand on her hip and danced right along with her. I chugged the rest of my drink as I felt Liam sit down on the couch next to me.

"Whoa, slow down mate!" Liam shouted with a laugh. I saw Harry's head shoot up at the noise, but he made no move to back away from the skank.

"Thanks for the tip Daddy. Just get me another one," I sneered before realizing what an asshole I was being. "Shit, I'm sorry bro. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"No worries. Here, just finish mine," he said, handing me his mixed drink. I told a big sip and looked back up at Harry, who was still staring at me. He brought his beer bottle up to his mouth and ran his tongue around the rim before wrapping his lips around it. Jesus Christ, he was practically deep throating the bottle. Was he trying to fucking kill me?

I groaned and looked away, trying to focus on anything but the boy in front of me and the throbbing in my jeans. But out of the corner of my eye I could see as Harry stepped away from the girl and made his way over to Liam and me without a second glance back at her.  _Good_.

"Come dance with me Zeeeee," he slurred. He grabbed my hand and yanked me up, pulling me into his body. I pushed him off of me and took a quick step back.

"Hazza, you're wasted."

"Well you and I both know that I am a phenomenal dancer when I'm drunk. Come on," he insisted as he dragged me towards the stereo. It was a little more secluded there, and the music was so loud that I could feel it vibrating in my bones. Harry pulled me forward by my belt buckle and I backed away as soon as I felt his fingers graze my skin.

"Not here Harry, someone could see." He pouted at me, literally sticking his full bottom lip out and I smiled. "You're drunk."

"Guilty," he replied with a smirk, stepping forward so that the length of his body was pressed against mine. He angled our bodies so that his back was to the room and pulled me even closer to him. Once I felt that he was just as turned on as I was I couldn't help but give in to him, allowing myself to relax into him.

He pounced on my acquiescence, gripping my hips and grinding into me. I moaned, the friction between us just enough to make me even harder. The rest of the room seemed to disappear after that. Harry was all that I could see, all that I could hear, all that I could feel. I was out of control and I couldn't wait to spiral even further down the rabbit hole we had fallen into. I reached a hand up to his curls and ran my fingers through them before moving it to his neck so that I could bring him closer to me. My lips met his throat and I couldn't resist tasting him.

The alcohol flowing through me and the residual jealousy I'd felt at seeing him dancing with that girl (I could afford to be generous with the term now that she wasn't an immediate threat) combined with the feel of his skin against my tongue made me bold. "I need you Haz. I need to taste more of you. All of you," I whispered into his ear.

He pulled away immediately but before I could wonder at the loss of contact he said, "My room. Now." With that he strode quickly out the door, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone or to even see if I was following. I stood there for a moment, debating how bad it would look if I left right after him. I knew it would be better to wait for a bit, but who was I fucking kidding? I rushed out of the room as fast as my legs would take me.

Harry's room was only a few doors down from Niall's, and he had left it open a crack for me. As soon as I walked in I felt two large hands grab me around my collar before slamming my back into the door. My breath left my body in a whoosh and I didn't have time to catch it again before Harry's lips slammed into mine.

"Finally. I've been waiting for you for forever," he murmured as his lips moved down to my neck, and everything inside of me lit up at his choice of words. I knew that he didn't mean them literally, but I was just drunk enough to pretend that he did.

"I was only 30 seconds behind you," I managed to say as he pulled the neck of my shirt down to swipe his tongue along my collarbones.

"30 seconds too long. I need you so fucking bad Zayn."

We stumbled towards the bed together and fell onto it in a tangle of limbs, both of our hands grasping for any skin they could find. Our kiss broke apart so that he could pull off my shirt, and we dove back into each other as soon as it was removed. The feeling of his bare chest pressed against mine was exquisite and I wrapped my hands around him tightly before flipping us so that I hovered over him.

I kissed the swallows beneath his collarbone and swirled my tongue over each of his nipples as I made my way down to his butterfly tattoo. I could feel his breathing getting heavier as I moved lower and kissed over each of the ferns just above his jeans, savoring the taste of him. I could feel how hard he was against my chest, and my hips began to press into the bed involuntarily, desperate for some friction.

I pulled my lips away from his skin and looked up at Harry, who had his head raised off of the bed and his eyes trained on me. I reached up to undo his button but felt his hands pull me up his body and push me back onto the bed. "No. Me first. I have wanted to taste you for so long," he said with a smile that made my hands start to shake. He placed a gentle kiss on the lips tattooed on my chest and then licked a stripe down my stomach.

I could feel my heart beating impossibly fast as he began to rub me over my jeans with one hand while fumbling with my belt with the other. He finally got it undone and moved off the bed to pull them roughly from my body. My boxers came off next and my dick bounced against my stomach. I reached down to rub myself as I watched Harry hop out of his pants.

Harry noticed my hand and opened his eyes wide with mock shock. "Off, now.  _Mine_ ," he said as he swatted my hand away and replaced it with his own. He climbed up on the bed in just his boxer briefs and lied down beside me, not stopping the up and down motion of his hand. It felt so fucking good, but it wasn't enough.

He captured my lips in a kiss and I greedily slipped my tongue into his mouth. His breathing was hot and heavy, just like his cock was against my hip. "Shit Haz, I want you so bad."

"I can't wait to have your dick in my mouth," he slowly whispered in my ear, making my hips thrust up harshly into his fist.

"I'm gonna come if you keep talking like that," I groaned and he immediately removed his hand. My head shot up, trying to see what was wrong, but Harry was already sitting up and sliding down the bed. I gasped as he spread my legs apart and settled in between them.

His mouth inched closer to where I wanted it, and I was nearly shaking in anticipation. I was desperate for him and I felt like I would die if he didn't suck me soon. "Harry, please."

He looked into my eyes, hell into my fucking soul as he leaned down and flicked his tongue over my tip once before pulling away and whispering, "I can taste you already." He licked his lips and moved his head back down, pressing a kiss to me and slowly opening his mouth as my dick pushed into it.

His mouth was warm and wet and I had to hold myself back from thrusting into it as he slowly moved his head up and down. I moaned loudly as he took almost all of me in and moved one of his hands to cup my balls. He hollowed out his cheeks and began to bob his head more quickly. I moved my hands to his head, gripping his curls with one hand and stroking his cheek with the other.

I lifted my head off of the mattress to get a better look at him. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were bright red. Sweat was beginning to form at his hairline and I pushed his damp curls off of where they had fallen to his forehead. He looked up at me and swirled his tongue around my head while pumping me slowly. He looked so fucking beautiful.

He took me fully in his mouth again and I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. I noticed that his hips were humping the bed and the sight nearly pushed me over the edge. "Shit Hazza you look so good with your mouth wrapped around me." I noticed his hips increase their pace at my words and I moved one hand to grip the bedspread, trying to hold back.

I knew it was a lost cause as he sucked more harshly, taking all of me in his mouth again and again. I felt myself hit the back of his throat and I nearly shouted at the intense rush of pleasure that I felt. "Fuck, so good. Fuck...you need to stop," I growled, pulling harshly on his curls to move his head away from me despite the fact that the last thing I really wanted him to do was stop.

His hand shot up to remove my grip from his hair as he continued to suck me. "Harry, I can't hold back much longer."

"Good. I want to taste you," he moaned before taking me in his mouth again. His hand moved in tandem with his lips and tongue while his other hand continued rubbing my balls. I felt everything rushing towards the apex of my thighs and I felt like I might black out from the intensity. I couldn't remember ever feeling so much pleasure at once. My shoulders fell back onto the bed as I spilled into his mouth with a loud groan. Harry didn't stop as I writhed under him, finally pulling away as I became too sensitive to handle any more.

He looked up at me shyly. "Was that okay?"

He looked so nervous that I felt a pang in my chest. I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took to make him feel the way he made me feel. Not just physically but emotionally as well. "Shit Harry, you have no idea. It was...amazing. Now get up here so I can try to make you feel that good too."

Harry grinned and plopped down next to me. I quickly rolled on top of him and leaned down to kiss him, wanting to be as close to him as possible. I slid one hand down his stomach and was about to slip it into his briefs when a loud knock sounded at the door.

"Come on Harry, open up. I know you're in there!"


	6. Chapter 6

                                                                   

 

"Fuck, it's Louis. Quick, hide in the bathroom," Harry whispered as he hopped off of the bed and slid his jeans on.

"Seriously? Just ignore him. Or tell him you're busy."

"How are we supposed to explain this?" he asked, motioning between the two of us. "Please Zayn, just get in there and I'll get rid of him."

I grabbed my boxer briefs and jeans from the floor and huffed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I couldn't believe that he was answering the door for fucking Louis when he could have been getting head from me. And making me hide in the bathroom? What the fuck? It's not like we hadn't been in a room alone a hundred times before. Was he suddenly ashamed of me?

I put my ear to the door and heard Harry ask, "What are you doing here Lou?"

"I saw you rush out of the party a while ago and I knew you were drunk off of your ass so I thought I should be a good friend and see if you needed anything." Something about Louis' tone made me think he wasn't referring to holding Harry's hair back as he puked.

"I'm fine Lou, you don't need to worry about me. I'm just tired."

"Well I'm not tired at all, though I'm not surprised you're worn out from all that dancing you were doing. Christ Haz, I've never seen you shake it like that." Louis' voice was louder now and I knew he had entered the room.

"Very funny. Well, I think I'm going to head to bed now..."

"Don't be like that Harry. I just told you I'm not tired. Come on, we're both drunk...let's have some fun." What the actual fuck was he going on about?

I heard the telly click on and could hear Harry speaking but I couldn't make out what he was saying. Was he purposely trying to drown out his words?

Luckily Louis was as big of a loudmouth as he always was. "That's the spirit love, let's break this bed in," he said with a laugh. I could practically hear him grinning as my hands balled into fists and my head started spinning. What.The.Fuck. was he trying to do to Harry? To do  _with_  Harry?

I heard Harry laugh and shout out "Lou!" and something in me snapped. I shoved my underwear and jeans on and flew out of the bathroom, ready to rip someone's head off.

What I saw in the bedroom stopped me dead in my tracks. Harry was lying on his back and Louis was sitting on top of him straddling his waist.  _Fucking straddling him_.

"What the fuck are you doing here Zayn?" Louis asked, stealing what should have been my goddamn line. He looked back to the boy lying beneath him. "I thought you were alone Harry?"

"I...I was but Zayn came to check on me and- and we were gonna watch a movie."

I opened my mouth to respond but no words came out. I felt an overwhelming anger towards Harry, but the rational part of my brain knew that he had to come up with some kind of excuse for why I was there. But mostly I just felt confusion. What were they doing? What would they be doing if I hadn't barged in?

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Louis asked accusingly.

"Why are you all over Harry like that?" I spat back.

Louis threw his head back and laughed and I decided that I'd had enough. "I'm outta here," I said, grabbing my shirt off of the floor.

"Stay Zee. I thought we were going to watch a movie..."

"Watch a movie with him. Maybe Die Hard's on," I snapped before storming out. I went immediately to my room and sunk down to the floor, my head in my hands. What the fuck had just happened? Why was Louis acting like that towards Harry, and why was Harry letting him?

Realization suddenly hit me and I stumbled to my bathroom, knowing I was about to be sick. Harry and Louis. They were...they had...been like Harry and me before. Maybe they even still were...like us. This whole time I had thought that Harry was feeling all of this for the first time, just like I was. It had given me some small degree of comfort that he was probably just as confused and as unsure of how to proceed as I was.

Well I guess the joke was on me. Louis and Harry had been together. Fucking Larry was real. Of course we had all heard the rumors, and the other boys and I had even discussed it once and quickly dismissed it as bullshit. I felt like the universe was laughing at me, and it might have been funny if it wasn't so goddamn heartbreaking.

I dragged myself up and brushed my teeth quickly before falling into bed. I pulled my phone out of my jeans and saw that I didn't have any missed calls. I had hoped that he might follow me to my room, but he was obviously too busy with Louis. My head swam with thoughts of what they might be doing and what all they had done before and I thought I might throw up again. We'd had such an amazing night but I couldn't even think of it without feeling sick. How many guys had Harry done that with before? Did he care about me at all?

I knew the answer to that one. Of course he didn't, why would he? Of course he'd rather be with Louis. They had been best friends from the very start, and everyone knew how close they were. They had even lived together.  _Fuck_. I rubbed my eyes, trying to block out the images of them spending night after night together.

The ringing of my phone brought me back to the present. Harry. I glanced over at the clock on the nightstand. It took him almost an hour to call me. A fucking hour. I ignored the call and pulled a pillow over my head. It started ringing again a minute later but I ignored it too.

I tossed and turned for the next few hours, trying to sleep. It proved impossible, probably because I couldn't stop my heart from skipping every time I heard footsteps in the hallway, waiting anxiously for a knock at my door. For a knock that never came.

I finally gave up on sleep at about 7 am. I knew that the other guys would be up soon and that everyone would be meeting in the restaurant downstairs for breakfast, but the last people I wanted to see were Harry and Louis. Or worse yet, see Louis leaving Harry's room. Probably best to stay where I was for the time being.

I ordered room service and called Paul to get my schedule for the day. The only thing I had to do this morning was work out. Paul had booked the exercise room at the hotel in blocks and I was supposed to go with Harry. Fuck that. Instead I ate my breakfast and straightened my room a bit, doing anything I could to keep my mind off of everything.

I decided a shower might help so I stripped down and climbed under the scalding water, hoping that the heat could burn away the memory of Louis straddling Harry. As I began to lather up my mind flashed to how good Harry's rough hands had felt on my body, and I started to get hard. I ignored it for a few minutes but eventually I couldn't stop myself from reaching down and stroking myself, imagining that it was Harry's hand on me. I closed my eyes and pictured him on his knees in front of me, sliding his tongue up and down my length. My hand began to move faster and I was about to come when a different image suddenly popped into my head. Harry was still on his knees, but this time it was Louis standing in front of him. It was Louis who he had his lips wrapped around.

The thought made me sick and I immediately stopped jerking off. I slammed my hands against the shower wall and groaned in frustration. This was fucking bullshit. How dare Harry not tell me about him and Louis, and how dare he choose Louis over me last night. I could feel my anger rising as I shut off the shower and quickly dried off. I threw on the first clothes I found and a glance at the time told me exactly where I could find Harry. I had to find out what had happened last night.

I left the room in a huff, not even bothering to fix my hair. The stairs seemed like the faster option so I tore down them and into the lobby. I saw the sign for the gym and headed directly towards it, not wanting to pause long enough to give myself a chance to back down. Since it was Christmas Eve tonight, I knew that Harry would be exercising without our trainer. There was a bodyguard in the hallway near the door but I ignored him and barged in.

Music was playing loudly and Harry was facing away from me lifting some free weights. He was shirtless and his skin was glistening with sweat, making his tattoos shine. His jeans were slung low on his hips and I almost laughed at the fact that he was working out in fucking skinny jeans. Only Harry.

He hadn't seen me yet so I took a moment to drink him in. He looked delicious, and I felt the accusations I had planned to hurl at him get stuck in my throat. How could I have expected this beautiful creature to want me? To be happy with only me? I was lucky to have received even a little bit of attention from him. He deserved the best, and that wasn't me. It felt like all of the anger and energy drained out of my body at once, and I turned to leave the room, feeling completely dejected.

The sound of his voice was the only thing that kept me from walking through the door. "Zayn?"

I took a deep breath and slowly turned around. Harry still had his back to me as he watched me for a moment in the mirror before slowly setting his weights down and turning towards me. I swear that motherfucker did everything slowly, except when it came to making me fall for him.

"I'm so glad you found me," he said before I had a chance to speak.

"Found you?" I scoffed. "We're in a hotel Harry. You know where my room is. You've even been in it if I remember correctly. You could have come to me at any time."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just knew you were pissed and I didn't know what to say to you Zee."

"No, don't call me that. You do not get to call me that anymore."

"I just don't understand what you're so mad about  _Zayn_ ," he said, emphasizing my name like a fucking five year old.

"Well, I don't understand what the fuck is going on here Harry. I thought...Christ, I don't know what I thought. I just...ugh I don't know, I guess I just thought that you and I were friends in a different way than you are with the other guys. Than you are with Louis. But after last night I know how stupid I was to think that."

"Last night? You mean last night when I went down on you? Something I've never done with a guy before? That last night?"

"Wh- what about Louis? You and Louis?"

"I don't feel that way towards him," Harry replied as he took a step towards me.

"So you guys, you never...," I trailed off as a felt a bubble of hope in my chest for the first time all day. Hope that was completely dashed when I saw the grimace on Harry's face.

"It was a long time ago Zayn, I swear," he insisted as he closed the distance between us. "It was right after we moved in together and we were drunk and it didn't mean anything to me."

"What happened?" I managed to spit out as I pushed his hands away and took a step back.

"We kissed and he ended up blowing me. We were totally trashed and I knew right away that it was a mistake. And I didn't do anything to him, that's the honest truth."

"And how did Louis feel about it, huh?"

Harry swore under his breath and took a moment before answering. "He might have felt a little more strongly about it than I did. But he understood that it couldn't happen again. He just forgets sometimes when he's drunk, but I never give into him."

"And is that all it was with me? A mistake?" The words seem to burn my throat as they came out and I swallowed down the tears that were threatening to fall.

"No Zee, I promise. It's not the same with you. It never has been," he pleaded.

"That's bullshit Harry! How can you expect me to believe that? Why would you choose me over Louis? Over anyone? You could have anybody you wanted and I'm fucking nobody. The 'quiet' one who can't dance and nobody gives a shit about. There are websites dedicated to Larry fucking Stylinson.  _Fucking websites_. How can I compete with that?"

"There's no competition. How can you not see how amazing you are?"

"Stop trying to make me feel better. I cannot deal with any more lies Harry!"

"Would you shut up and listen to me? There is so much to love about you," he said quietly, and I was about to interrupt when he placed his fingers against my lips before sliding them to my cheek. "I swear your eyes are the color of honey...I didn't even know that was possible. Your eyelashes make supermodels jealous and don't even get me started on these killer cheekbones," he smirked before continuing. "And when you smile and I see your tongue peeking out between your teeth it gets me instantly hard," he leaned forward to whisper in my ear.

"And that's just the physical stuff. You always stand up for me when someone puts me down, and you're the first one to curse out the paparazzi when they get too close or say something rude. You're sweet and funny and as for your voice...it's probably the sexiest sound in the world. I don't know how you can doubt yourself like you do. When you're out on that stage performing you look like a fucking god Zayn."

His words filled me with a joy that I couldn't remember ever feeling before. I searched his eyes for any sign of deception but I couldn't see anything but sincerity. "Do you really mean that?"

"Zayn, when we kissed during Truth or Dare I felt like my world stopped. I was so overwhelmed and turned on that I couldn't get out of the room fast enough. I'd never felt anything like that before, not even with a girl. But that night wasn't the first time that I had thought about you that way. I didn't know what those feelings meant and to be honest I still don't, but I hope we can find out."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth I grabbed his face and pulled his lips to mine. I felt almost giddy at his confession and the only way I could think to respond was by showing him that I felt the same way about him. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and moaned when he did the same. I felt a hunger building inside of me and I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted as much of him as he would give me, and I wasn't going to hold back anymore. I couldn't.

My hands gripped his slick skin, still damp with sweat. I wanted to touch him everywhere, feel him everywhere. His hands, still wearing the weight lifting gloves, slid under the back of my shirt and pressed into my lower back firmly, causing my crotch to press against his. Feeling how turned on he was drove me crazy, and I bit his lip before pulling away and looking around the room. I saw a bench a few feet away and dragged him to it. I kissed down his chest as I sat down and pulled him to stand between my open legs. He tasted so good and his repeated moans made me suck more harshly at his skin.

I pulled away and looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Fuck, you are so sexy Zayn." I smiled up at him shyly as I slipped my fingers under the waist band of his shorts and pulled them down his thighs. His erection sprang free and bounced before hanging hard and heavy in front of me. "Do you see what you do to me?"

I took a deep breath and wrapped a hand around his base. I was so nervous because I wanted to please him but I had never done this before and wasn't sure what he would like. But I was also turned on like a motherfucker, which helped to push my nerves to the back burner. I slid my hand up and down him, noticing how big and hard he was. He felt like steel encased in velvet, and I had never seen anything sexier. I could see now what he meant about wanting to taste me. I couldn't wait to make him come.

I leaned forward and flicked the tip of my tongue over his slit, tasting his precome. I swirled my tongue around his head several times before sliding him as far into my mouth as I could. He moaned in appreciation and I repeated the motion, wanting to make him moan again. He didn't disappoint me as I moved him in and out of my mouth again and again, making sure to pay special attention to his sensitive tip each time.

I used one hand as an extension of my mouth and moved the other one to play with his balls, making sure that no part of him was neglected. I looked up at him as I continued and he smiled at me between pants. His abs were rock hard and his heavy breathing was causing the swallows on his chest and the moth on his stomach to look like they were alive. I wanted to slide a hand up to touch his chest but I could tell that he was enjoying them right where they were.

"So fucking good Zayn...don't stop, please don't stop," he groaned as he placed both of his hands behind his head. He looked so powerful and sexy standing like that; like a fucking king surveying his kingdom. I began to suck him harder and faster, making my eyes start to water as I felt him hit the back of my throat again and again. I was hard as a rock and I couldn't believe how much I was enjoying sucking his cock. He felt so good in my mouth, and my only goal was to make him come harder than he ever had for anyone else.

Harry's breathing started to become more erratic and I could feel his balls tighten in my hand. I squeezed them a bit harder and hollowed out my cheeks to make him feel as much pleasure as possible. "Fuck yeah, just like that baby." His words spurred me on and I sucked him as quickly as I could, moaning around him as he began to spill into my mouth.

I continued to pump him until I was sure he was done. As I pulled away from him I looked up and smiled. "You taste so fucking good Hazza."

He grabbed me under the arms and yanked me to my feet, capturing my mouth with a kiss. "That was the best head I've ever gotten. So good babe," he said as we broke apart.

I couldn't help but beam in pride as we rested our foreheads against one another's. He started to slide his hand down my chest towards the front of my pants but I stopped him. "It's okay. I just wanted to do something for you...to show you how I felt about everything you said."

"So I take it you liked my little speech?" he asked with a sly grin before sighing. "We probably should head upstairs anyway. After all, I know how loud you can be, and the bodyguard out there probably doesn't want to hear you screaming my name."

I laughed along with him and headed for the door by his side, feeling a million times better than I had just a short time ago.


	7. Chapter 7

                                                                                    

 

I made sure to steer us towards my room instead of Harry's when we got to our floor, figuring Louis was less likely to show up unannounced there. Harry immediately flopped down on my bed, and I knew for sure then that I had it bad since I didn't mind even a little that Harry was sweaty and unshowered and taking up most of the space on the duvet and what seemed like all of the space in my heart. In fact I quite liked the sight of him stretched out on his stomach with a pillow under his head, reaching for the remote and making himself at home.

"Movie?"

"Sure," I replied, prying the remote out of his hand. I flipped through the channels until I heard Harry squeal a little when I landed on an episode of Friends (is there ever a time of day when an episode of Friends isn't on?) and so of course I had to leave it on. It was the episode where Rachel finds Chandler handcuffed to her boss' desk and I had already seen it, but it was kind of comforting in a way, knowing what was coming and just being able to sit back and enjoy it with Harry.

We'd hung out alone like this and even watched Friends together countless times before, but it somehow felt different this time. Like we were more  _together_  and more removed from the group than before. And while the possibility of getting off with Harry again made my head feel lighter and my skin feel tighter, I was enjoying this just as much. So even though I was half hard thinking about what we'd just done in the gym, I was more than happy to just lie here with him, laughing whenever he laughed and sneaking peeks at his dimples, resisting the urge to poke them since I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop at that one touch.

I forced myself to focus on the right here, right now, to ensure that I didn't miss any moment of whatever it was that was happening between Harry and me. As his whole body started to shake with laughter when Chandler said that people throw garbage at him when he goes outside naked, I felt some of my ever-present anxiety lift off of my chest. I felt like I had more room to breathe; more room for my heart to beat. Harry was and had always been like the sunshine, brightening everyone's day and showing them that they mattered, really mattered, and to feel like I might be even more special than the others that he lavished attention on, like he would want to make my day brighter than everyone else's, was a heady feeling. It pushed a little bit of the darkness inside of me (the thoughts and worries that I would never be good enough or happy enough or just  _enough_ ) aside.

We watched several more episodes before Harry left to go shower. He didn't kiss me goodbye or anything, just smirked at me as he said, "Don't have too much fun picturing me naked and nice and soapy." He pulled what I suspected was supposed to be a sexy face but made me what to pinch his cheeks more than snog him.

"You're a dirty boy Styles."

"You love it," he called over his shoulder as the door closed behind him.

"Yeah," I breathed. "I do."

***

The concert went off without a hitch, though we all had a good laugh at how much Niall stuttered and stammered when he met President Obama after we sang All I Want For Christmas. None of us were really surprised, considering that he had a statue of him in his garden, but it did help to lighten the mood.

Sometimes I couldn't believe the opportunities that I'd had over the last few years. I could never have imagined any of this back in my hand-me-down twin bed in my tiny, rundown house in Bradford, and this new thing with Harry (whatever it was and I really didn't know) just made me more anxious over the fact that I could have missed out on it all. If I hadn't gotten out of bed that morning, if I hadn't gotten three votes to get to boot camp, if I hadn't gotten that second chance. That was just like me, worrying about something that already  _hadn't_  happened.

I tried to push those thoughts out of my mind, which proved easier than I expected when Harry looked at me and mouthed "later" over the other guys' shoulders as we got off of the lift at the hotel. I couldn't hide my grin as I thought of what might happen and I headed back to my room with new found purpose.

My phone buzzed before I even shut the door behind me. I pulled it out of my pocket and smiled when I saw that Harry had texted me.

_**HARRY:**  Don't take off your suit. Yet._

He banged on my door right at midnight and he barged in excitedly as soon as I opened it. He seemed even more wound up than usual, a ball of energy. "It's time," he blurted, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Time for what?" I asked as my heart rate began to pick up.

"Happy Christmas Zee," he breathed, grasping me by the elbows with both hands.

"Happy Christmas Haz. I...I actually have something for you..."

"Really?" The grin on his face did nothing to placate my nerves.

"Yeah, but it's not much. I mean, it's nothing really," I insisted, not wanting him to expect too much.

"Gimme gimme gimme!"

"Okay, okay, slow your roll. It's really nothing." I slowly walked over to the closet and pulled the drawing out. It really was nothing, just something that I had been messing about with for the last few weeks. Or months. I don't even know what had possessed me to start on it, or why I'd ended up working on it for longer than I had anything else, ever. It was less cartoonish than most of my stuff, but still simple.

"It's no big deal and if you don't want it it's cool," I said as I handed it to him.

He unrolled it slowly and stared at it for a long moment. I held my breath, realizing that he must hate it as the silence stretched on. He probably thought I was a freak or some kind of stalker. I mean, who draws a picture of one of their mates, especially without a shirt on? Suddenly the details that I thought I had perfectly captured, his smile and his curls and his tattoos, seemed obsessive and ridiculous.

"Nevermind. Like I said, it's really nothing. Just something I was playing around with," I said as I attempted to pull the paper away from him.

"Stop it, you'll rip it," Harry said as he held tight to the sheet.

"You mean you...you like it okay?"

"Like it? Zayn, I love it."

"Really?"

"Really. Babe, it's incredible. Probably the best gift I've ever gotten." His eyes bore into mine and were shining so brightly that I couldn't help but beam in response.

"Damn it, " he swore suddenly, pushing a hand through his hair.

"What's wrong Haz?"

"It's just- just that this is so perfect and I got you something too but it's just stupid and not special like this so let's just forget it and tomorrow I will get you the best present ever, I swear I-"

"Harry, calm down bro. I'm sure I'll love whatever you got me. You didn't have to get me anything at all. We all agreed we weren't going to exchange gifts this year, remember? To be honest, I wasn't even planning on giving you that when I started it. I was gonna keep it for myself. It was only after...last week that I thought maybe you'd like it."

"You were going to keep it for yourself?" His smile lit up the room, and I pulled him over to the bed to sit next to me. "What were you going to do with a shirtless picture of me Zayn?"

"Calm down, your eyebrows might fly off of your face if you wiggle them anymore," I warned him while shoving his shoulder. "Anyways, why are you so nervous about the gift? Oh god, it's your dick in a box, isn't it?"

Harry reached behind him and pulled a small wrapped gift out from the waistband of his pants. "I wrapped it myself." I noticed that his cheeks were flushed and his hands were shaking a bit as he handed it to me.

I smiled reassuringly at him and slid my finger under the tape to open it up. When I got the paper off and saw what it was my smile disappeared and my mouth dropped open. It was a dvd. A  _porn_  dvd. A  _gay_  porn dvd.

A giggle escaped my mouth as I looked up at Harry. He was watching my reaction anxiously, and I immediately felt bad for laughing. But seriously, how was I supposed to react?

"Don't get mad, okay? I thought that maybe...maybe you might want to see some...stuff, you know? Just in case we decide, in case we- you ever want to try something, you know? In the future? I just thought that since we've never done this stuff before that we might get some, you know...pointers," he blurted, burying his head in his hands as he finished speaking.

"I'm not mad Harry, I just wasn't expecting it. It's- it's not a bad idea, I guess. But where on earth did you get it? Is a video of you coming out of a gay smut store gonna be on TMZ tomorrow?"

"I had Tom buy it for me. I told him it was a gag gift," he admitted.

"You daft prick. Haven't you heard of the Internet? I'm sure we could have found something...educational on Google ."

"But then I wouldn't have had anything to wrap," he shrugged and I had to lean in and kiss him. He was just so earnest and sweet and stupid. "Soooo...do you wanna watch it?"

I laughed to stall for a moment. It had really never occurred to me to watch two guys get it on, but I had to admit that the idea of seeing it with Harry was a little exciting. Plus he kind of had a point: I really didn't know much about what guys did together. "Um, sure. Lemme get my laptop."

Harry kicked off his shoes and hopped on the bed, settling down with his back up against the headboard. He still had his white dress shirt and black tux pants on and his bow tie was undone and hanging loosely around his neck, and he looked so good that I forgot what I was doing for a moment. I shook my head to clear it and tossed the laptop onto the middle of the bed, climbing to sit a bit in front of Harry and angling the screen so that we both could see it.

He handed me the dvd and I laughed as I saw the title. "Ass Play Armaggedon. Really Haz?"

"It's based on that Bruce Willis movie. It reminded me of us."

His answer made my heart swell. I was really losing it if him calling us an "us" and putting this much thought into which porn to get made me this fucking giddy. "I guess Bruce Willis movies can be our thing now," I responded, earning a smile from him. I put the movie in and sat Indian style, not sure of what the etiquette for watching porn with one of your mates was. Would it be awkward if I touched him? Would it be awkward if I didn't?

Harry settled my internal debate for me when he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me between his legs. I had never been with someone who was bigger than me, and I was surprised at how much I liked him...handling me that way. I settled back against him, my back flush against his chest. I could feel the heat coming off of him, and I forgot about the film for a second. But once the cheesy music began I realized that calling it a "film" might be a little generous. The sets looked like something from a middle school play, and it was immediately apparent that the acting was going to be horrific.

There didn't seem to be much of a plot, though I did hear some references to a "flaming" asteroid and how they were going to have to go mining "deeper than they ever had before". The actors were American and beefy and tan and looked nothing like Harry and me. Nothing like anyone who I could imagine being turned on by.

Harry and I laughed continuously and made fun of everything we saw and it was all very funny, until it wasn't. When Harry tilted his head towards mine and whispered, "I don't know about you, but this is only going to work for me if I imagine it's you on the screen," I felt all the blood rush to my dick, turned on for the first time since the movie had started.

His breath was hot against my ear and caused the hair on the back of my neck to prickle and my cock to twitch. I leaned my head away from him, hoping he would get the hint. He did, quickly latching his lips onto my neck. I moaned and moved my hands to his legs, running them up and down his thighs. They were hard and muscular under my touch, and I could feel his muscles tense as my hands reached further back. He pulled me closer to him and ran a hand through my hair, pulling it to make me turn my head more towards him. He kissed along my jaw and I scooted by back as far as I could, getting harder when I felt how turned on he was.

I had stopped caring about the movie as soon as his lips had met my skin, but I had to admit that the moans coming from the speakers and the glimpses of skin pressing against skin that I saw when I managed to open my eyes were hot as fuck. I rocked my butt back against Harry's crotch and squeezed his thighs tighter, trying to distract myself from how much I needed to touch my cock. The friction from my zipper wasn't enough for me though, and I was about to undo my pants when I felt Harry's hands on my pants.

He undid them quickly before sliding his hands up my body and pulling my bow tie off. He started to unbutton my dress shirt but must have gotten impatient on the third or so button because he roughly pulled it open, buttons flying everywhere. I would have laughed but I was too eager for him to touch me to focus on anything else. He slid my undershirt up until it rested around my chest, not bothering to take it off. I could tell he was as ready as I was, and the thought made me even harder.

One hand splayed out on my stomach while the other slid into my pants, pushing them down just far enough to pull my dick out. He wrapped his hand around me and I moaned at the relief, enjoying the feeling of his rough hands on me.

"You're so fucking hard Zayn. Did the movie turn you on?" he breathed against my ear.

"No, you. All you," I grunted as he began to move his hand faster.

"Do you have any...," he trailed off.

"Yeah. Nightstand."

He reached over with his left hand, keeping his right firmly wrapped around me. He removed it a second later to squirt the lube into his hand but he was back on me in seconds, and the cool slickness made me purr. Literally fucking purr. I tossed my head back against his shoulder and began to thrust into his fist. "Can you...," I started before closing my mouth, unsure of how to ask for what I wanted.

"Anything. What is it?" he asked, eager to please as always.

"Can you...talk to me?"

I could feel him grin against my ear, but his hand felt too good for me to worry too much about being embarrassed. And then he started talking and I stopped giving a fuck about anything but his deep, gravelly voice and his hand stroking me and the tightening in my stomach.

"I love touching you and hearing you moan. You sound so fucking sexy when you say my name and nothing turns me on more than making you come. No one has ever gotten me hard like you do. My cock is rock fucking solid right now and all I can think about is you sucking me off in the gym today...it felt so fucking incredible.

"Shit Haz, yes. Don't stop," I panted as his thumb brushed across my tip, spreading the rapidly gathering moisture there. I could feel him rubbing his dick against my back and it made my hips stutter.

"Stroking your cock gets me so fucking hot. Does it feel good when I touch you like this? Are you gonna come for me?"

"Fuck Harry, I'm gonna come so fucking hard for you."

"I love to watch you come Zayn. One day...," he groaned as he thrust his hips against me more quickly.

"One day what?" I panted, barely able to form a coherent sentence as every nerve in my body burned but for some reason desperately needing him to finish his sentence. "One day what Harry?"

"One day I want to feel you...feel you inside of me," he whimpered, his body tensing as he came. I came as well, so hard that my whole body jerked with the force of it, and I grunted his name over and over as his hand pumped me dry.

I was utterly spent but I needed to kiss him. I turned around and took in his pink cheeks and red lips. He gave me a lazy grin and brought his hand up to his mouth. I gasped as I realized what he was doing. He stuck his tongue out to flick it against his finger before sucking it into his mouth, licking me off of him.

"Shit Haz, those porn stars got nothing on you," I groaned, pushing his hand out of the way and attaching my lips to his. I could taste myself on his tongue but it just turned me on more. I was doing things with Harry that I had never done with anyone else, but it all felt so good. So fucking  _right_. I crawled onto his lap as I continued to kiss him. It was a sweet kiss, almost innocent, and while I knew we could easily turn it into more this was nice too. I wanted to memorize the heat of his tongue against mine and the feel of his eyelashes tickling my cheekbones and the smell of his hair. I wanted to memorize all of him; to know more about him than anyone else and to let him know about every part of me, even the parts I was afraid of.


	8. Chapter 8

                                                                                     

The next few days dragged by. We'd flown out of DC and after one more night in a hotel we were back on the road. Adjusting to being on the bus again was harder than it should have been. We had only been away from it for a few days, but I had gotten spoiled by having a place to be with Harry alone. A place where we didn't have to limit our hugs or stifle our moans.

But back in the land of buses and bunk beds, privacy and alone time were practically unheard of. Harry and I were trying to make the best of it, but in truth I was growing desperate. We were almost always surrounded by the other boys, and when we did get a second to ourselves we were constantly looking over our shoulders to make sure no one was coming. It was exhausting and made me moody.

Harry seemed to be handling it better than I was, though I knew he was feeling frustrated as well. I could tell by the frantic way he pulled me into the loo the first time we were left alone on the bus, kissing me roughly and with abandon, like he wanted to devour me.  

"Thank god we have a break soon. It's torture to be around you and not be able to touch you," he said with a sigh as we broke apart.

"I know. We'll just have to make up for lost time when we're in London," I replied as we straightened our clothes and headed out of the tiny bathroom, knowing that the lads would be back any minute.

We hadn't been able to be together,  _that way_ , all week, though I had been woken up in the middle of the night a few times to find Harry leaning his head into my bunk to give me a kiss. I wanted nothing more than to pull him into bed with me, but that would've been too risky. But now we finally had some R&R scheduled. The whole band was flying into Heathrow and we were each planning on spending a few days with our respective families. Harry and I had decided to meet up at his house in London in five days, and I couldn't wait. Since it was still morning everyone was awake on the flight, Harry and I spent the entire time texting each other all of the things we wanted to do to each other as soon as we were alone.

I felt dizzy from the lack of blood in my brain, and I was beginning to worry that I was going to come in my pants if he mentioned how much he wanted to feel me  _inside of him_  one more time, so I did the only thing I could think of. I made a point of turning my phone off and jogged to the bathroom with my hands in my pockets to cover my hard on. As soon as the door was locked my pants were down around my ankles and I was tugging on my cock.  I was so worked up that I came after only a few strokes, closing my eyes and imagining being with Harry on every surface in every room of his house. 

I heard a knock on the door as soon as I finished, so I cleaned myself up and opened it to find Harry standing there with a big smile.

"Sorry babe, I couldn't wait," I admitted sheepishly. 

Luckily he just laughed and leaned in to whisper, "You'll just have to make it up to me later this week," before taking my place in the bathroom with a wink.

Once we landed Harry seemed to get a little nervous. I waited until we were almost outside and waiting for our drivers to pull around to ask him if he was okay.

"Yeah, I just...I kind of wrote something for you."

"Really? What is it?"

"Nothing much, just something I was messing with this week. Just don't read it until later, okay?" he asked as he pressed an envelope into my hand.

"Okay Haz.  Thanks," I responded, unsure of whether to be wary or excited about what the envelope could contain.

"My car's here. Just imagine that I'm kissing you goodbye right now, kay? I'd probably be squeezing your ass too," he whispered into my ear.

I laughed and shoved him away gently. "Get out of here you git."

"Have fun with your family Zayn!" Harry yelled as he was enveloped by the crowd of paparazzi. Watching his retreating back felt even more horrible than I'd expected, so I quickly pulled out my phone to text him.

 **ZAYN:**   _I'll try to, but I'll be missing you too much Harry._

It was a running joke between all the band members, but I had never meant the words as much as I meant them today. 

My car arrived a minute later, so I made my way through the obnoxious shutterbugs and climbed in the SUV as quickly as I could. As soon as we started to drive I ripped open the envelope, anxious to see what was inside. It was a handwritten letter, and I smiled as I read the first sentence. 

 

**_25 December_ **

_So, there's this really amazing guy, and I like him a lot. His name is Zayn Malik. He made me the most fantastic present for Christmas and all I got him was a silly dvd, so I thought I would write to him to tell him what he means to me._

_I'm sitting on the plane right now, and we should be landing soon. I was a little bummed when Liam asked you to sit next to him because I wanted to sit with you. I always want to be the one to sit with you. But this is still pretty good, since I can still see you. Right now you're smiling at Lux and it's downright adorable. I'd do anything to make you smile. It lights up the room. It's like hot tea on a winter afternoon. Like hearing one of our songs on the radio for the first time. Like all the most wonderful things in the world._

_This is so embarrassing. You're never reading this. I'm going to have to burn it to protect my reputation._

**_26 December_ **

_I'm so glad that we got to spend the night in a hotel last night. Not just for the obvious reasons (although those are definitely perks too) but because of the way your eyes lit up when I knocked on your door. I love seeing the way your hair looks in the morning before you run to the mirror to fix it. And the way your face always has pillow creases on it when you first wake up._

_You said my name in your sleep last night. Don't be embarrassed - I loved imagining that you might be dreaming about me. My name sounds better coming from your lips than anyone else's. "Harreh". You can take the boy out of Bradford, but you can't take the Bradford out of the boy..._

**_27 December_ **

_I can't wait to see you again. You just left for dinner with Josh and Niall twenty minutes ago, but I feel like I miss you already. Oh god, I'm being so cheesy. I should probably just embrace it, right?_

_You are the spring in my step. The twinkle in my eye. The blue in my sky._

_Sorry, I couldn't resist! I don't know how you put up with me._

**_28 December_ **

_I loved the Hendrix shirt you had on today. I'm totally stealing it, preferably before it's been washed so that it still smells like you. Is that creepy? You just smell so good. Like sunshine. Sex and sunshine. Yep, I'm definitely being creepy._

**_29 December_ **

_We just finished up with that meet and greet. Five long hours of listening to screaming and crying fans would normally make me want to tear my hair out, but the fact that I got to sit by you made it bearable. More than bearable really, since I had so much fun teasing you. I've never seen your face so red as when that woman asked what I got you for Christmas and I said "porn". Making you smile is my favourite thing, but embarrassing the shit out of you is a close second. Oh great, now I've gone and said "shit" in a love letter. Shit, did I just call this a love letter? You're definitely not reading this now._

**_30 December_ **

_You had a proper strop about sound check running over today. I'm hoping that you were just eager to spend some time with me, but I must admit that I find your pouting a bit sexy. I take it as a personal challenge to be the one who makes you smile when you're being ~~ridiculous~~  adorable. Your mood swings are legendary, so I know that if I can cheer you up or turn you on in those moments then I'm doing something right. And there's nothing better than turning you on._

_**31 December**  
_

_It's hard to believe that this has been going on for such a short period of time. Was it really just two weeks ago that we played Truth or Dare? It seems like much longer, probably because I've wanted you for so long. I never thought I would be so grateful to a dumb children's game!_

_It's New Year's Eve tonight and I'm so excited about what the new year may have in store for me, for the band, for us. I'm especially excited about what is ahead for you and I, together, in the year ahead. And I hope you are too._

_The way I feel about you is new and exhilarating and terrifying and I don't know how to explain it so I've decided to ignore all the questions and anxiety and confusion and to just savor it. To just enjoy all the time I get to spend with you like this. All your laughs and smiles and moans. I love that I am the one that gets to earn those smiles and laughs and to make you hard and to see you come. Even just knowing you and holding you feels like a privilege. I can't believe that I'm the one that gets to be with you. What did I ever do to get so lucky?_

_Well, that's probably enough of my romantic ramblings and moronic musings for now. I hope it wasn't too ~~idiotic~~ amazing for you ;-)._

_Happy New Year Zee._

_Yours,_

_Harry_

 

The letter was literally the fucking sweetest thing in the world, and I read it again and again as I headed towards Bradford, wishing that I had Harry making the journey with me.


	9. Chapter 9

                                                                                    

It was surreal being back home. I was planning on surprising my mum with a new house soon, but for now they were all still living in the ramshackle house I had grown up in. I swear just walking through the door made me forget that I was a grown man with a massive bank account who had traveled the world. Instead I felt like the little boy who couldn't afford the newest trainers and had never been on a plane.

There was a lot of good stuff about being back though. It was amazing to eat a home cooked meal for the first time in what seemed like forever, and it was great to see Doniya, Waliyha, and Safaa, though I couldn't believe how big Safaa was getting. The older two were quickly bored by my arrival and more interested in their cell phones than in talking to me, but Safaa at least still seemed enthralled by her big brother. I made a mental note to enjoy her attention before she became too cool for me too.

But by far the best thing about being home was spending time with my mum. She and I had always been close, and nobody pampered me or took better care of me than her. As soon as I walked in the door she declared me far too skinny and sat me down for a huge meal. Some of my aunts and uncles had come to greet me as well, and the evening was filled with lots of good food and laughter.

It had been so hectic that I hadn't had a chance to talk to Harry since I'd arrived. It was well past dinner time and we were all still sitting around the kitchen table when I decided to check my phone. I couldn't hold back my smile when I saw that I had several texts from Harry.

**HARRY:**   _I miss you already._

**HARRY:**   _How's your trip going?_

**HARRY:**   _Alright I've been trying to play it cool here, but we both know that I am not cool so...what did you think of the letter?_

**HARRY:**   _Come on babe, I'm dying here!_

**HARRY:**   _Zayn?_

**HARRY:**   _Oh god, you hated it. I'm sorry, just forget everything I said. I'm a total idiot._

I felt so bad when I saw how worried he was and quickly texted him back.

**ZAYN:**   _Harry calm down. I loved the letter. I loved everything about it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I was planning on calling you tonight so that I could gush over it properly._

I stared at my phone anxiously, hoping that I hadn't blown things by not thanking him sooner. Luckily he texted me back almost immediately.

**HARRY:**   _So you liked it? I should have known, I am pretty amazing after all. Perhaps I'll be a professional letter writer if this whole rock star thing doesn't pan out._

**HARRY:**   _But you still owe me some major gushing for making me worry like that._

**ZAYN:**   _You better prepare yourself for some extreme gushing the next time I see you. You've never seen someone gush like I can gush._

**HARRY:**   _I love it when you talk dirty to me._

We continued texting back and forth until my mum called my name to bring me back to the here and now. My head shot up and I looked around, surprised to see that her and I were the only ones left in the room.

"Where'd everyone go?"

"They left a little while ago, but you were too engrossed in your phone to notice. I knew something seemed different about you when you got here. So, tell me, who is she?" she asked with a smile.

I was totally baffled by her question. "What do you mean? Who?"

"You've seemed so happy since you arrived, and your smile practically blinded me as soon as you started texting. You even giggled, and that can only mean one thing: my baby boy's in love."

I tensed up at her words, not sure how to respond. I decided remaining vague would be best for now. "Aw mum, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Zayn, there's no need to hide it. I was so worried when you and Perrie broke up. It's wonderful to see you smile again. I just want you to be happy."

"It's not that simple," I sighed.

"Falling in love is never simple, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. What's the problem?"

I hesitated, trying to think of how to explain without giving too much away. "This...person isn't someone people would expect me to be with. I'm not sure how the fans would respond and I know for a fact that the label would not be happy about it. Plus they're still insisting that I keep up the whole 'happy couple' charade with Perrie."

"Well, here's my two cents. It's not often that we find someone that we could ever see ourselves falling in love with. So when you find it, you've got to fight for it. If this girl makes you happy then screw everybody else."

"Thanks mum. It's still new, but I'll try to remember that. I think I'm gonna head to bed." The conversation had exhausted me, and I just wanted to push these concerns out of my mind for a bit. But I gave her a big hug, wanting her to realize how much I appreciated her words. I just hoped that she would feel the same way when she found out that Harry was the mystery person making her son smile so much. If she ever did find out. The last I thing I wanted to do was break my mother's heart.

***

I woke up the next morning to Safaa bouncing on my bed and asking me to call her friend Olivia and sing What Makes You Beautiful to her. I would have preferred sleeping a bit longer, but since I was staying in her room I knew there was no chance of her leaving me alone. I begged off singing to her friend, though I did end up leaving her a message declaring my undying love for her. Oh the things I will do to make my sister smile.

The rest of the day was spent hanging out and relaxing, which was exactly what I had been craving during the last few months on the road. I was practically glued to the couch, and it felt amazing to not have to worry about schedules or work commitments for the foreseeable future.

As much I was enjoying taking it easy, the best thing about my day were all the texts that I received from Harry. It was less of a conversation than a string of increasingly ridiculous pick up lines, and my cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so much.

**HARRY:**   _If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as hot as you, I'd have five cents._

**HARRY:**   _I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?_

**HARRY:**   _Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material._

**ZAYN:**   _Stop it Styles. This is not sexy._

Which, of course, was a total lie. Everything Harry did was sexy. I could probably get a boner watching him floss. Luckily, he ignored my protests completely.

**HARRY:**   _Keep playing hard to get babe, and I'll keep playing hard to get rid of. You know I love a challenge._

**HARRY:**   _Are you Jewish? Cause you ISRAELI HOT!_

This continued for most of the day, until Harry announced that he had to go get ready for a club opening he was attending that night. I tried to not let it bother me, but I was a bit worried. He was just so damn attractive, and he had no shortage of admirers. Add in alcohol and who knew what could happen. It would be so much easier for him to be with someone else. And it's not like we'd exactly defined what was going on with us. That was a whole can of worms that I wasn't ready to deal with quite yet.

Niall and Louis were both going to the party as well, which simultaneously made me feel better and worse. I knew they'd both look after him, but after Harry's confession I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little insecure about him being around Louis. Especially if he was drinking, which I knew he would be tonight. Ugh, this would all be so much simpler if he was a homebody like me! Damn social bastard.

I tried to distract myself by watching some movies with my family, but between the knowing looks my mum was shooting me and complete radio silence from Harry, I was getting more anxious by the minute. I didn't want to be  _that guy_  and call Harry first, so I headed to bed early. I tossed and turned for a while before finally falling into a restless sleep.

I was woken up by the sound of Lionel Richie singing Hello. What the fuck? I looked around, confused, before seeing that my cell phone was lighting up with a picture of Harry mugging for the camera. Cheeky bastard must have added a ring tone and picture to his contact information. My heart raced a bit as I answered. "Hello?"

"Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Cause I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do...are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart...for I haven't got a clue...but let me start by saying I-"

"Shit Haz, how wasted are you?" I asked, cutting him off before he sang the whole song.

"Drunk? Me? Pretty sure I'm not. Maybe buzzed though. Yeah, I'm definitely feeling no pain. Unless you count how much I miss you."

I knew he was just rambling but it still made me happy to hear that he missed me even when surrounded by his fancy London friends. "Are you having fun?"

"Not as much fun as I will be..."

"Why? What are you doing?" I asked, starting to panic about where or with whom he'd be spending his night.

"Come and find out," he drawled.

"What?"

"I'm gonna ring the bell if you don't open the door in the next ten seconds."

"Wait, you're here? What are you doing here?"

"Nine...eight...seven...," he threatened.

"Alright, I'm coming I'm coming," I said as I hopped out of bed in just my boxer briefs and flew down the steps to the front door. I yanked it open to see a smiling and slightly unsteady Harry.

"Honey, I'm home," he yelled opening his arms wide and pulling me into an embrace. I wrapped my arms around him and tucked my face into his neck. He smelled like cigarettes and beer and Harry. I knew I had missed him, but I hadn't realized how much until now.

"What are you doing here babe?" I whispered.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" he pouted.

"Of course I am, I'm just surprised," I reassured him as I pulled him inside.

"Good thing, cause I already sent my driver away. Can I sleep over?"

I smiled at him and grabbed his hand to pull him up the stairs. "Sure, let's get you to bed."

"Well, that's pretty forward of you, but if you insist...," he winked at me as I led the way into the room I was staying in. Harry stopped in his tracks in the doorway. "Oh Zayn, I love what you've done with the place," he deadpanned, gesturing to the pink walls and Bratz decorations.

"Shut up man, it's Safaa's room. Waliyha moved into my old room, so Safaa is staying with her while I'm in town. Sorry if it's too girly for you."

"No, dude I love it. Especially the bunk beds...though I must admit I was hoping to spend the night with you in a slightly bigger bed. Oh well, I get to be on top!"

My mouth immediately dropped open in shock. "Harry, we cannot do that here, in my sister's room with me mum right down the hall!" I whisper yelled at him.

He cracked up laughing, clutching his stomach. "I was talking about sleeping on the top bunk doofus. Besides, I think we both know I'll be on bottom when the time comes," he said with a pointed look.

I blushed and felt arrows of heat everywhere, realizing what he was referring to. I decided to ignore that particular elephant in the room before I passed out, from want or worry or both. "Do you really want to sleep on top? On the top bunk I mean?"

Harry walked towards me while shrugging off his jacket and dropping it on the floor. "Do you think I really drove three hours in the middle of the night to  _not_  touch you? No, I fully plan on sleeping all up in your business. Well actually, I don't plan on sleeping much at all..."

He was right in front of me by this point, and I was kidding myself if I thought there was any possibility of resisting his advances. He was just so damn cute, and I had been missing him all day.

"Well we'll just have to squeeze into this bottom bunk then babe. But don't forget to be quiet, my family's right down the hall."

"Oh you're the one who's gonna need to keep quiet...there's something I wanna try that'll have you screaming my name."

He leaned into me and brought his lips to mine. I was already half hard just from being near him, and when he slid his hands down to my ass and pulled me against him I felt that he was excited as well. He pushed me onto the bed and hovered above me, kissing over my jaw and neck before standing up and pulling his shirt over his head.

"Take it off," he growled, pointing to his belt. I happily obliged, pulling it off as quickly as I could and pressing my face against his crotch, sliding my fingers through his belt loops to bring him closer to me. He moaned and dropped his head back before pulling me up by the chin and looking into my eyes. "My jeans. Off, now."

His demanding tone made me even hotter, and I unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down as fast as possible. His underwear followed, and I sat back and enjoyed the view. He was hard and his swollen head looked so inviting. I bit my lip and looked up at him, awaiting instruction.

"I know you want it in your mouth, I can see it in your eyes. But I've got other plans tonight," he said with a sexy smile.

With that he pulled off my briefs and pushed me back against the bed before climbing on top of me, the entire length of his body pressing against me. His weight felt so fucking good on me, and I spread my legs and bent my knees to pull him even closer to me. He ran a hand through my hair and leaned down to kiss me. We made out for several minutes, just enjoying our tongues moving against each other's and the feel of his soft skin underneath my fingertips.

My cock was soon throbbing, and I moved my hands to his butt, squeezing his cheeks in an effort to create more friction. He responded in kind, humping against me. It felt so fucking amazing as I brought my hips up to meet his again and again. After a few minutes I felt myself nearing the edge, but Harry pulled away at the last second.

"What...what's the matter?"

"Do you have any lube? Or lotion? I want to try something."

I hesitantly pointed towards my bag beside the bed, a little nervous about what he wanted to do. I wasn't sure how far I was ready to go, especially in my mother's home.

Harry found a bottle of lotion and climbed back on top of me, placing a leg on each side of my thighs. He squirted some in his hand and rubbed it on himself before moving his hand to me.

"I'm gonna make you feel so good baby. Tell me if you like it." With that he started stroking me, and I groaned in relief at his touch. Once I was slick with lotion and the whole room smelled of vanilla he leaned closer to me, pressing his cock against mine and taking them both in his large hand. He started thrusting into his hand and told me to do the same. With each movement I could feel the slide of his dick against mine as well as the strong grip of his hand. It felt fucking incredible, unlike anything I'd experienced before.

"Shit, Harry that's so fucking good. Please, go faster."

Harry picked up the pace and tightened his hand around us both. He was supporting his body weight on his knees and his other arm, and his face hovered just above mine. I lifted my head to give him a kiss but soon the feeling of his hand and his cock were too overwhelming for me to focus on anything else.

I began to thrust against him more harshly, desperate to relieve the tightening in my belly. Without warning I heard him groan out my name, quickly followed by him releasing onto my abs. The sight of him coming undone above me was super fucking hot, and I began to spill as well, coating his hand and both of our chests.

He collapsed beside me, panting heavily. He grasped my hand in his, pulling it to his mouth and kissing my palm. "Shit Zayn, that was awesome. I'm so glad I left that party."

I grinned at him. "You really can't get enough of me, can you?"

"Nope," he replied. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

Harry leaned over the side of the bed and grabbed one of Safaa's shirts to clean himself off with, but luckily I stopped him as soon as I realized what he was doing. That would just be way too creepy. I handed him a towel from my earlier shower and we both cleaned ourselves up as best we could, pulled our underwear on and climbed back into the bottom bunk. Harry immediately fell asleep and I soon followed, enjoying the comforting feeling of being wrapped in his arms.


	10. Chapter 10

                                                                                     

As soon as I woke up I knew for sure that this morning was going to be better than the one before. The feeling of Harry rutting against my hip and his teeth on my ear assured me of that. I moaned in pleasure as I felt his hand press against me.

"Well good morning to you too," I murmured.

"Wouldn't want morning wood to go to waste now would we?" he replied while kissing down my torso.

"Believe me, I'm not complaining," I moaned as he planted kisses across my stomach. I bit my lip as I felt his hot breath against me. His lips had just wrapped around my tip when suddenly the door burst open and Safaa bound into the room and hopped up onto the bed, landing on her knees with a thud.

"Harreh! What are you doing here?!" she screamed, launching herself onto him as soon as he poked his head out from underneath the covers.

"I came to visit you and your big bro. But mainly you of course," he whispered conspiratorially.

"But why are you in the same bunk?"

"Well...Zayn had a bad dream and wanted me to protect him."

Safaa nodded solemnly. "He is a pretty big wimp."

"Hey! I take offense to that. You know nobody's braver than me," I insisted.

"Sure, sure," they both responded, rolling their eyes.

"I've had about enough of you!" I yelled, pushing them both off of the bed. Safaa took the hint and ran out of the room laughing, leaving Harry and I alone in the bedroom once again.

"I guess we should probably get dressed before we have to explain ourselves to someone less trusting than Safaa, huh?" he asked, pulling on his jeans and t-shirt from the night before.

I laughed out loud as I read the writing on his shirt. " _Keep Calm and Listen to Your Inner Goddess_...really Harry?"

"Hey, that's solid advice. My inner goddess never leads me astray. So what's on the agenda for today?"

"I didn't know you were coming so I actually have an appointment with an estate agent this morning to look at a house I'm thinking about buying for my mum."

"That's so sweet Zayn. Do you mind if I come with?" he asked nervously.

I smiled at him. "Of course not, just don't tell my family where we're headed. If I end up getting it for her I want it to be a surprise. Ready to go face them?"

He nodded and we brushed our teeth and headed downstairs. Safaa and my mum were sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea. "Harry, what a wonderful surprise," my mother beamed at him as she stood up to give him a hug. "What brings you to Bradford? When did you arrive?"

"Well, I..." he began before shooting me a pleading look.

"Geez mum, what's with the inquisition? It's too early for this," I grumbled, pulling Harry away from her questioning gaze.

She raised her hands in supplication. "Alright, sorry. Harry, you know you're welcome here anytime."

"Thanks Trisha," Harry said, unleashing the full power of his dimples on her. She grinned back, making me wonder if there was there anyone who could resist his charms.

Harry and I busied ourselves making tea, whispering about our plans for the day. I peeked over my shoulder at my mum and saw that she was watching us with an odd expression on her face. I took a step back from Harry when I realized how close we had been standing, not wanting her to get suspicious. Fuck, was this what it was always going to be like when I was with Harry? Constantly fighting my instincts and worrying about what people were thinking?

Making a conscious effort to push those thoughts out of my head, I turned to Safaa and my mum. "We're gonna go visit some of my friends but we'll be back soon, yeah?"

She nodded and put her cheek out for me to kiss. "Have fun boys," she said with a wink. I rolled my eyes and pulled on Harry's arm. He resisted, kissing both girls' cheeks before following me out of the house.

"I love your family."

"They love you too. Sometimes I think they love you more than they love me."

"Loving Harry Styles must be a Malik family tradition. Maybe it's genetic."

I didn't respond, too busy trying to ignore the way my chest felt tighter when he mentioned me loving him. "Umm, the agent should be here any moment," I mumbled, looking up and down the street. I spotted a black town car slowing down a bit. "I think that's her now."

An older woman with bright red hair stepped out and ran over to us. After introductions we piled into the car and drove about ten minutes. The neighborhoods and houses got progressively nicer as the ride continued, and I found myself getting excited. The excitement grew when we pulled into a circular driveway and stopped in front of a beautiful brick home.

We walked through the entire house, which was at least three times bigger than my childhood home. Everything was really nice without being too over the top. Despite its large size it still felt like a home and not a museum, and I could picture my family living there. Harry was actually very helpful, pointing things out that I hadn't noticed and asking the agent questions I never would have thought of.

We left after about an hour, and I felt confident my mum would love the house. The agent handed me a stack of paperwork and I promised that I would have my manager and attorney to look it and get back to her as soon as possible. She dropped us off at a nearby shopping center, telling us that we should get a feel for all the amenities the neighborhood had to offer.

Harry and I walked along the quaint street for a few minutes, looking at the variety of shops and restaurants. It was hard to believe how different this area looked than the Bradford that I had grown up in. My old house may have only been a short drive away, but it felt like another world.

Harry stopped in front of a small boutique. "Do you mind if we look in here? I didn't bring a change of clothes with me."

"Oh, so you weren't planning on ambushing me in the middle of the night when you headed to the party?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. He loved my eyebrows.

"No, I fully intended on playing hard to get and making you miss me. Then I realized that I have no willpower and would only be hurting myself. Now stop it with the eyebrow thing unless you want me to bend you over in the dressing room," he warned while pulling me into the store.

It was a weekday morning so the store was empty except for an employee standing near the register looking down at her phone. She shouted out a hello to us but didn't seem to recognize us. Good. The last thing I want is for a mob to show up. We strolled around the shop for a few minutes and Harry found several shirts that he wanted to try on while I picked out the most hideous things I could find and told him how good he'd look in them.

He paused outside of the dressing room, looking around the small shop. "Did you see something else you wanted?" I asked.

He turned his head towards me with a dangerous look in his eyes. "In fact I do see something I want," he said before grabbing my hand and pulling me into the largest of the dressing rooms. He locked the door behind us and pulled me in for a kiss, quickly slipping his tongue into my mouth. "I want you, and I want you now. We need to finish what we started this morning." Part of me knew that this was a bad idea, but the desperate way he was kissing me and clawing at my clothes soon overrode the logical part of my brain.

He didn't even wait for me to get it up, reaching his hand into my pants and stroking me to full hardness before dropping to his knees and telling me to hurry.

I discovered then just how much he liked me to fuck his mouth, and just how happy I was to oblige. He wet his lips as he looked up at me and his mouth looked so pink and inviting that I had to remind myself to not be too rough as I grabbed his curls and pumped in and out. Not that he minded rough. He moaned around me as I hit the back of his throat again and again, causing tears to stream down his face. When I saw them I stopped immediately, worried that I had hurt him. But he just grabbed the back of my thighs to pull me back to him, pushing me in farther and more roughly than I had.

That was all the invitation I needed. I started pounding into his mouth, not stopping until he had taken all of me and I could feel his throat tightening around my dick. I felt Harry start to squirm so I looked down at him to find his hand sliding up and down his own shaft. It was fucking hot and I knew I was about to come. Harry must have sensed it too, because he pulled away with a popping sound.

"Please Harry, I'm so close..."

"I know, I want you to come on me. Come on my face." The combination of the innocent look on his face and his dirty words made the pressure in my stomach build even more. I was covered in his spit, and the slick slide of my cock in my hand felt incredible, though I was already missing the warmth of his mouth.

Harry watched me with eyes blown black by lust, and I couldn't take my eyes off of his hand as I pumped myself faster.

I leaned a shoulder against the dressing room wall to help support myself. He opened his mouth as I came so hard that my knees buckled. Harry came then too, wrapping his lips around me to coax out every last drop. I pulled away and dropped to my knees, wanting to kiss him. "I know it's only been a week, but I missed that."

"My mouth missed you too," he smirked, pulling off his shirt and using it to clean up the mess on the floor.

"Not sure what your inner goddess would think of that."

"Oh, trust me, she loves it."

He pulled on one of the new shirts and gave himself a cursory glance in the mirror before asking me to remove the tag. Once we were sure we were properly put together we opened the dressing room door and stepped back into the store. There were a handful of customers browsing, and most of them paused to look at Harry and me as we headed to the register.

"Shit, we weren't too loud were we?" I whispered.

"No, they're probably just staring because you're so gorgeous."

I rolled my eyes as I heard my phone start to play the theme from Jaws. "Shit, Modest is calling. I'm gonna take this outside."

I stepped out into the chilly air as I answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi Zayn, it's Nancy. Are you in London? We need to meet with you."

"No, I'm in Bradford visiting my family. What's up?"

"We've been tracking some comments on Twitter and the like and a lot of people are questioning why you and Perrie haven't been seen together since you're both in the UK right now. We've scheduled a date for the two of you. Dinner and then out to a club."

"Oh come on," I groaned. "Isn't it time to end this nonsense?"

"What, so she can go tell everyone that you cheated on her? No, I will not let you destroy all the hard work you've been doing to rebuild your image over the last few months. We can talk more about it when you get here. Do I need to arrange for a car for you?"

"Wait, you want me to come tonight? I just got here two days ago."

"I know, I'm sorry, but Perrie is heading back to Australia tomorrow so we have to make sure you two are seen together tonight."

As much as I hated this whole idea I knew it was pointless to argue. "Fine, have a car pick me up at my mother's in an hour."

"We'll do. I'll instruct the driver to bring you straight to my office." I hung up the phone and turned around to see Harry looking at me.

"You're leaving? What did they want?"

"It was Nancy and she wants me to come to London for a meeting. Right now." I hailed a cab and opened the door for Harry when it pulled up to the curb. Once we were moving he turned to me with a worried look in his eye.

"But why do they want to see you?"

I leaned in close so that the driver wouldn't overhear us. "Listen, don't get mad, okay?" I waited for him to nod before continuing. "They're upset because they say that the fans and bloggers are questioning why me and Perrie haven't been seen together in so long."

"Okay, so..."

"So they want me to take her out on a public date, and it has to be tonight because she's leaving town tomorrow. I tried to get out of it but you know how they are."

He sighed. "Yeah, I do. I know it's not your fault, but it still sucks. Do you mind if I ride to London with you?"

"I was hoping you would. Actually, maybe I could stay at yours? I know I wasn't supposed to visit you for a few more days, but-"

"Yes! Yes, you'll stay at my place. This way I'll get even more alone time with you. So maybe I should be thanking Perrie." He looked like he was in pain when he said her name, and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Oooh, I like jealous Harry."

"Yeah, well I don't. I'm not used to feeling this way and I don't like it. But if that ho lays a finger on you then angry Harry's gonna have to come out and play," he grumbled.

"Don't worry babe. I'll make sure she keeps her hands to herself."

Harry turned to look out the window, but I could just make out the words, "The bitch will if she knows what's good for her."

I smiled a bit, but let the subject drop. "Well, I'm excited about seeing your house again. I haven't been there in forever," I said as I paid the driver and we headed up from front walkway. "I'm gonna go tell me mum the news."

"Umm, I just need to make a phone call. I'll see you in a few."

I nodded and headed to my mother's bedroom. Her door was open and she was sitting on her bed reading. She put her book down and smiled at me as I sat down next to her. Her face fell as I explained the situation, though she perked up a bit when I promised that I would be back to visit again before the next leg of the tour began.

"Don't worry about me love. I understand. I just don't want you to have to continue faking this relationship with Perrie. Especially not if there's someone else you have feelings for."

"I know mum, but like I said, it's really complicated. Modest and the fans would like, go crazy if they found out who..."

She looked into my eyes. "I know it would be hard baby, but I don't want you to worry about what everyone else thinks. In this family we don't hide crazy in the house. We put it right out on the front porch to entertain the neighbors. What I'm trying to say is that I just want you to be happy, and I will support you no matter who you love."

I felt myself start to tear up at her words, knowing that she suspected that Harry was the person I was falling for. I felt overwhelmed by the depth of my love for her in that moment, and I pulled her in for a big hug.

"I'm so lucky to have you. I love you mum."

"I love you too. Now go take care of business and come back and visit us again soon."

Shortly after that I saw the town car pull up in front of our house. Harry and I hugged my sisters and mum goodbye, and it could have just been my imagination but it seemed like my mom hugged Harry a little longer and harder than she normally did. She whispered something in his ear, and he was blushing as he stepped away from her. "I will," he told her.

"What was that about?" I asked as we climbed into the car.

"Mind your business Malik," he replied. Cheeky bastard.

The trip into London was far more relaxed than I was expecting. Harry seemed to be in fine spirits, and I was relieved that he didn't seem too stressed out about my "date" with Perrie. I was dreading it to be honest. We'd never been nearly as serious as the press made us out to be, and we had definitely not ended things amicably. I had always thought that she was a fun girl, but after our break-up I saw her true colors. She put her career above everything else, and I suspected that she only dated me for the publicity it brought her and Little Mix.

Tonight was not going to be fun.

"So who did you have to call earlier?" I asked, trying to focus on anything other than Perrie.

"Just a friend in London that I might meet up with tonight."

I hadn't really considered what Harry would be doing while I was out, but I guess it would be better for him to be doing something fun than sitting at home alone. "Cool, cool. But is it okay if I still spend the night at your house?"

"Are you sure that Modest hasn't arranged for you two to spend the night together? They probably want you to make a sex tape so that they can 'accidentally' release it," he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Harry..."

He huffed dramatically. "Alright, I'm sorry. Of course I want you to stay at mine."

"Good. Cause that's they only place I want to stay," I reassured him, sliding my hand over so that it rested against his on the seat.

We both napped for a bit after that, and I called Nancy as we neared the heart of London.

"Hi Nancy, Zayn here. I'm almost there. Should I head to your office?"

"Is Harry with you?" she asked gruffly.

"Umm, yeah. How'd you know that?"

"Bring him up here with you," she ordered before hanging up on me.

I turned towards him. "She wants you to come up with me. And she sounds pissed."

Harry just shrugged, as confused as I was about what she might be upset about. Management was always on our case about something.

Her assistant stood up as we walked into her outer office and immediately led us into the conference room. Nancy was there, as well as our manager Paul.

"I take it you boys haven't been on the internet today?" she said, not bothering with any niceties.

"No. Why, what's up?" I replied.

"Were you two in a dressing room this morning? Together?"

I gulped and looked over at Harry, who looked paler than he had a few minutes before. I pulled out a chair and sat down, trying to think of a reasonable explanation. "Ummm, we were just trying on clothes."

"Listen, I don't really care what you do in your private lives, as long as it stays  _private_. What I do care about is millions of fans seeing a video of you two walking out of a dressing room together and looking very... _affectionate_." Shit. I hadn't even seen anyone with their phone out. It had to be the clerk. She must have recognized us after all. "And the eye witness describing in great detail the noises she heard coming from the dressing room isn't helping matters."

I blushed as I remembered what we had done just that morning. I remained silent, not sure of what to say. I glanced at Harry and saw that he was staring at his shoes, looking as guilty as I felt.

"The last thing we need is another gay scandal. We're still dealing with this 'Larry' nonsense." I groaned at her words, annoyed that she would even bring that shit up. And pissed that they were once again trying to control every aspect of our lives. She ignored me and went on, "Zayn, we already have your date set up with Perrie, but Harry you need to be seen out with a girl too. The sooner the better."

Harry cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter. "I completely agree. I actually wanted to talk to you about that."

My mouth dropped open in shock at his words. I had expected annoyance or even indignation from him. Anything but acceptance. "Harry, what're you-"

"I already have a date set up for tonight. With that model the press thought I was with a few months ago."

Paul smiled, "That's perfect Harry. Good thinking."

"No problem. I spoke with Cara this morning and she and I will be going to the restaurant and club with Zayn and Perrie."

Nancy blanched. "You want to go on a double date? With Zayn? I don't think so."

"Harry, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Especially after this morning's...events," Paul said gently.

"Take it or leave it. That's the only way I'm going out with Cara. Or anyone."

I found myself nodding, grateful that Harry wasn't planning on going out with Cara for real. "Yeah, that's the only way I'm going out tonight too."

Nancy and Paul exchanged a look before turning back to us. "Fine, have it your way. But you two better be on your best behavior tonight. I want to see lots of photos in the papers tomorrow morning of you both looking like loving,  _heterosexual_  boyfriends," Nancy warned.

I rolled my eyes and Harry and I stood to leave. "Sure, whatevs. Just send a car to pick us up at 8 tonight. I'll be at Harry's," I added, wanting to piss her off after her last comment.

With that we left the building as quickly as we could. Once we were in the car Harry turned to me with wide eyes. "Holy shit, we're going on a double date tonight!"

Holy shit was right. What had we gotten ourselves into?


	11. Chapter 11

                                                                        

Harry's house wasn't the biggest or the most expensive in his neighborhood, but it was beautiful. It was bright, open and eclectic, just like him. I hadn't seen it since he'd first bought it, and I was amazed at how much he had made it feel like a home in the short time he'd owned it. He'd decorated it with items from all of the different countries we'd visited, and his art collection was truly impressive.

"Harry, this place looks fantastic. I'm really impressed. You've got some edgy stuff here," I told him as he showed me around.

He blushed and looked at his feet. "Thanks. I was hoping you would like it."

"I do. Now which guest room should I put my stuff in?"

Harry looked crestfallen at my comment. "You want to stay in...I thought...I thought maybe-"

"Harry, I'll stay wherever you want me babe. I just thought you might not want my stuff all over your room."

He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "Well in that case, your stuff can stay in here," he said as he opened the door to a large but sparsely decorated bedroom and set one of my bags inside before grabbing my arm and pulling me to the end of the hall. "But you are staying in here," he said as he led me into his bedroom.

It was beautiful, though slightly messy. The walls were painted a deep green and the space was dominated by a huge bed covered by a bright white comforter and a massive amount of pillows. The bed was flanked by deep mahogany nightstands littered with books and magazines and a drawing. My drawing.

I looked at Harry. "You put my picture by your bed?"

"Well technically it's my picture now, but yes, of course I did. I wanted to keep it close to me. I'm going to get it framed sometime this-"

I cut him off by placing a gentle kiss on his lips. His eyes opened wide in surprise and I felt him laugh against my mouth, but he quickly recovered and returned the kiss. It meant so much to me that he liked my drawing enough to give it a place of pride in his bedroom. I knew he couldn't possibly like me as much as I liked him, but all of his actions were showing me that he did have feelings towards me. Just knowing that made me feel like the luckiest motherfucker in the world.

I pulled away reluctantly and looked up at him, keeping my hands on his shoulders. "Let's get this nightmare over with, okay? Cause after that I wanna spend every second I can with you. Just you."

He beamed at me and I felt my heart stutter. "That sounds like music to my ears."

I looked down at my watch. "I guess we should go get ready, yeah? The car should be here in like an hour."

"Woohoo," he answered sarcastically. I laughed and headed to the guest room to shower. As much as I was dreading tonight, I was glad that Harry would be there and I just wanted to get it all over with so that I could focus on having fun the rest of the week with him. The possibilities of what we could do all alone in this big house made my stomach flip a bit. This was all so new to me, and a little scary, but I knew that I would be much more nervous if it was anyone but Harry. Above all else, he was still my best mate, and I knew we'd figure it out together.

I showered and got dressed quickly, well quickly for me anyway, but it took a while to get my quiff perfect so Harry was sitting on the sofa waiting for me by the time I was finished. He whistled as I walked down the stairs so I did a little spin and gave him my best Blue Steel pout.

"Don't start with that face or I'm going to drag you right back up those stairs."

"I don't think I'd protest too much with how fit you're looking this evening Styles. Though I can't believe you beat me down here. Those luscious locks look like they must have taken hours."

We joked around for several more minutes, and once again I felt relieved that Harry and I were still able to laugh and carry on like we always had. I had been a little worried that the new direction our relationship had taken might diminish everything we'd shared before, but it was just the opposite. These new, deeper feelings seemed to have made every aspect of our relationship better.

I was interrupted from my musings by the doorbell, and I swear every happy emotion I had been feeling vanished as I remembered the task at hand. Harry looked defeated as well, though he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as he passed by me to open the door. I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw that it was just Brad, our publicist.

"Gentlemen, you're looking well," he said as he walked into the room. He was only a couple of years older than me, but the conservative way he dressed and the stick up his ass made him seem prematurely middle aged. "Perrie and Cara are waiting in the car, but I just wanted to go over a few things. We all need to be on the same page here."

Harry and I both nodded and Brad continued. "We've tipped off the paps so there will be cameras outside of both the restaurant and the club. You both need to act appropriately affectionate with the girls, especially you Zayn. And we have to assume that people will have cameras in the club, so you two need to be on your best behavior at all times. Got it?"

"Sure, whatevs. Like how late do we have to stay out?" I asked, annoyed all over again that this is what my life had become. Play acting for the cameras to appease some assholes at our record label was not my idea of fun.

"The night will be over when you and Perrie are both back at her hotel," Brad replied like the dickhead that he was. I heard Harry gasp and I swear I wanted nothing more in that moment than to take the stick out of Brad's ass and beat him to death with it.

"Oh hell no. I agreed to go to a restaurant and a club with Perrie. No fucking way am I spending the night with her."

Brad sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Maybe I can see if we can ditch the paparazzi by then. Let's just focus on one step at a time. Come on, the girls are waiting." We headed for the door before Brad stopped us once again. "Oh and boys? If anyone asks about the dressing room incident just ignore them. There's no hard evidence of what was going on in that room, and we're going to keep it that way. Just keep your distance from each other and your mouths shut and we'll get through this."

I rolled my eyes at him and walked out to the car by Harry's side. "Lovely how he treats us like children, isn't it? Bossy prick."

Harry nodded but didn't say anything. He looked nervous and I couldn't blame him. I didn't see any possibility of this night going well.

Brad climbed into the passenger's seat as I opened the back door. Perrie was sitting in the row directly in front of me, and Cara was sitting behind her. Perrie looked at me coldly and gave a slight nod of her head. "Zayn."

So this was how it was going to be, huh? Fine by me. "Perrie," I said, giving her a curt nod and climbing in next to her. I inclined my head towards Cara but didn't bother introducing myself, too pissed off for pleasantries.

Harry, of course, was a better man that I was. "Cara love, how are you? Lovely to see you again," he said as he climbed into the back seat. After kissing her on both cheeks he turned to Perrie. "Hello Perrie," he said coolly. The change in his attitude was apparent to everyone in the car, and it made me smile.

The ride to the restaurant was tense to say the least. I couldn't get over how uncomfortable I was when only minutes ago I had been relaxed and happy hanging out with Harry. Perrie didn't say a word to me, so I just fidgeted nervously and listened to Harry and Cara make small talk.

Brad turned around to face us as we pulled up to the restaurant. "Alright kids, I'm heading home but remember everything I said and call me if you need anything. Big smiles now, remember you're madly in love!"

I groaned but gave him a nod to show him I understood. As the driver got out and came around to open our door I felt a hand on mine and turned towards Perrie.

"Don't fuck this up, okay Zayn? It's important."

I opened my mouth to respond to the bitch but didn't get the chance, since flashbulbs started going off as soon as the driver opened my door. I plastered on a fake smile and stepped out of the vehicle. Perrie was still gripping my hand and she quickly wrapped an arm around my waist and leaned into me as she got out of the car. I smiled down at her and gave her a quick kiss on the head as we walked into the restaurant. As soon as we were inside we let go of each other, though neither of us stepped away. You never knew who was watching.

Harry and Cara were right behind us and they were smiling and looking friendly, though I was relieved to see that they weren't holding hands. The hostess led us to a square table in the center of the room. Perfect. We'd be on display for the entire meal. Modest certainly was getting as much mileage out of this as possible.

I sat down directly across from Harry, with a girl on either side of me. Our waiter appeared and I ordered a vodka soda. There was no way I was getting through this night without some liquid assistance. I smiled when Harry ordered a glass of Merlot, knowing how silly wine made him. The girls ordered drinks as well and the table lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. I glanced at Perrie and couldn't stop myself from comparing her to Harry. She was a pretty girl, but looking at her bleached hair and heavy makeup next to Harry's messy curls and clear green eyes I couldn't see anything appealing about her. I had a feeling that no one could really compare to Harry though.

Cara started asking Harry and me about the tour, and I found myself happy that she was there to take some of the focus off of Perrie and me. She seemed like a nice girl. As long as she kept her hands to herself that is. Perrie and I continued to ignore each other for most of the meal. I focused most of my attention on Harry and found it surprisingly easy to forget that she was even there.

Unfortunately the respite didn't last. Cara excused herself to go to the restroom, leaving Harry, Perrie and me sitting at a table filled with so much tension that I thought I might suffocate.

Perrie looked back and forth between Harry and me before speaking. "So what the fuck is up with you two?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You've been making goo goo eyes at each other all night. Plus you haven't been paying any attention to me at all."

"Don't forget this isn't actually a date Perrie."

"I can tell there's something going on with you two. And I saw that video of you in the dressing room. You can't tell me that was nothing. Don't forget that I know what your moans sound like Zayn," she said pointedly.

I grimaced at her words and looked at Harry. He looked like he was about to throw up as he chugged the rest of his wine and slammed his glass onto the table.

"I think dinner's officially over," I sighed, signaling to our waiter.

"Would anyone like dessert?"

"No, just the check please." I didn't think I could handle another minute of sitting at this table listening to Perrie's shit. Hopefully the club would be too loud for us to talk. And big enough for me to get lost in.

After I paid we all headed to the door. Perrie grabbed my hand and gave it a hard squeeze, reminding me to put on a good show. I tried to smile but found it difficult. Her hand was small and soft but all I could focus on was how wrong it felt. I looked back at Harry, wanting nothing more than to be holding his hand instead. He looked a little unsteady on his feet, and I knew that the wine must be hitting him. Cara had an arm around his waist and as much as I tried to tell myself that it was just to help him walk, it still made my stomach clench.

Perrie brought my attention back to her when she cleared he throat loudly. I lowered my gaze to hers and saw that she was waiting for me to open her door. I did so, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, and we all climbed in. I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes as soon as the door shut behind me. I had never been a fan of clubs and avoided them whenever possible. The noise, the crowds, the people packed together and pressing against one another...none of it sounded appealing to me under the best of circumstances, and these circumstances were far from good.

"Zayn, you need to step up your game. How about you try pretending that you actually like me, huh? Think you can attempt that?"

"Gee Perrie, I don't think I can. Do I look like Michael fucking Fassbender to you?" I sneered.

"You know you should really be more grateful that I'm doing this for you."

"I should be grateful to you? You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Do I need to remind you of all of the crap you've put me through?"

"Fuck this shit," I groaned, pulling a plastic baggie out of my pocket. I pulled one of the joints inside of it out and placed it between my lips before lighting it and inhaling. My throat burned, but any pain was well worth it as I began to feel a little hazy.

"Really Zayn? Don't you think it's about time you grew up?"

I took another hit before responding. "Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do to get through tonight. You want some? Might make you more bearable."

Perrie glared at me and turned her body away from mine, folding her arms across her chest. "Fuck off."

I chuckled, not giving a damn what she thought of me. As I brought the joint back to my lips I heard Harry's deep voice from the back seat. "I'll take a hit."

I whipped my head around, surprised that he wanted to try it. Harry never smoked. He smiled at me shyly. "I want to," he reassured me. I was pretty sure that he was doing this to piss Perrie off more than anything else, but who was I to argue with the man? Besides, I had a feeling that a high Harry would be a fun Harry.

I turned around in my seat completely and held the joint and lighter out to him. He inhaled deeply and immediately began coughing and pounding on his chest. I bit my lip to keep from smiling. Crazy kid didn't do anything halfway, I'd give him that. I raised up on my knees so that I could lean over the back of the seat and reached my hand out. He handed me the joint and I beckoned to him to lean towards me.

"I'm gonna shotgun you, kay? I'll blow the smoke into your mouth to make sure that you're not getting too much. Just gently breathe it in and try to hold it as long as you can. Got it?"

He nodded with a small smile. I lit the joint and took a big hit before reaching my free hand out to his face to bring him closer to me. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth as he leaned in, and our lips just barely grazed as I blew the smoke into his mouth. I kept my hand on his cheek, running my thumb up and down the soft skin there. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, and it took all my willpower to pull away.

Harry held his breath for a moment before exhaling. He looked at me with a lazy smile, his eyes already starting to glaze. "Hey," he drawled.

"Hey," I smiled back, feeling my cheeks heat up. We continued to stare at each other, probably for longer than was socially acceptable, but I couldn't care less. Eventually I heard Cara cough and Harry and I looked over at her.

"We're here," she said, gesturing towards the club entrance. I hadn't even noticed that the car had stopped. I took another big hit to finish the joint before stepping outside. There were photographers lined up by the velvet ropes, and I felt Perrie grab my hand. As soon as we were inside I shook her off of me. She huffed but didn't say anything.

I looked around the club as we made our way to the VIP lounge. The place was dimly lit and packed, mainly with hipsters that were dancing as if their lives depended on it. Luckily the roped off area was less crowded. I walked directly to the bar and ordered four shots, wanting to keep my buzz going. I handed one to Harry and one to Cara, figuring Perrie could fend for herself.

Harry held his glass up for a toast. "Here's to hell. May our stay there be as enjoyable as our way there!" We all clicked glasses and tossed back the shots. It tasted terrible, but that didn't stop me from ordering another one. Harry wanted another as well, and after I handed it to him he clicked his shot glass against mine three times, first at the top, then at the bottom, and finally in the middle. "I'm not above you, I'm not below you, but I'm right next to you," he said, looking me in the eyes.

After we downed them we made our way over to a huge velvet sofa and I sat down in between Perrie and Harry. I was blazed, the booze and the pot working together to perfection. The music was so loud that I felt like I wasn't just hearing it but also feeling it, like the bass had worked it's way inside of my chest. I leaned back against the couch and ran my hands over it, enjoying the way the soft material felt under my fingers.

I glanced over at Harry. He was looking back at me and I could see his mouth moving in that slow, sexy way of his, but I couldn't focus on what he was saying. I was too busy enjoying how pink and puffy his lips looked, imagining how soft they would feel and how red I could make them if I just leaned in and kissed him. I scooted closer to him and caught the scent of his apricot shampoo. He smelled so clean and I wanted to bury my head in his curls and breathe him in. His eyes seemed to darken as he gazed at me, his lips quirking up in a smile. He was so fucking beautiful that it was almost painful to look at him, like staring at the sun.

He raised an eyebrow at me and licked his lips, and that was it. I leaned in to whisper in his ear, "I need you." He nodded and stood up, grabbing me by the wrist to pull me up as well. We headed towards the loo without another word, the girls and any thoughts of staying away from each other long forgotten.

The bathroom was empty and I wrapped an arm around Harry's waist, spinning him around once before pulling him into one of the stalls. I locked the door and pushed him gently against the wall, running my hands up and down his chest, feeling his hard muscles through his shirt. I leaned in and ran my nose along the length of his jaw and he moved his head to the side to give me more room.

"Fuck Haz, you smell so good," I murmured before licking and kissing my way from his collarbone up to his lips. He moaned and kissed me back hungrily. His kiss was a bit sloppier than normal, and I knew that the weed and the wine had hit him hard. His mouth felt so fucking good against mine though, and I wanted more of him. I wanted to devour him, to climb inside of him and never let him go. I didn't think I could ever be too close to him; that I would ever have enough of him.

I pulled away and looked at him. I felt so overwhelmed by my feelings for him, but in the best possible way, and I had to tell him. I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Harry, I lo-" I was cut off by the sound of the bathroom door opening. The shock of the noise sobered me up a bit and I took a step back from Harry. Shit. Was I really about to tell him that I loved him? And in a public bathroom no less? Really fucking classy Zayn. Harry deserved better than that.

We straightened our clothes and caught our breath as we waited for the guy to leave, and Harry spoke up as soon as we heard the door shut behind him. "I guess we better get back out there. Later?" he asked, running a finger down my cheek.

"Later," I agreed, enjoying the way my skin seemed to tingle where he'd touched me.

I could see Perrie glaring at me the moment we stepped out of the loo. Fucking perfect. I turned away from her, heading to the bar instead. My earlier buzz was wearing off and I could feel my mood starting to darken. I wondered if it was normal to want to spend all of my time with Harry and only Harry. Probably not, but I couldn't bring myself to care. A smug part of me reasoned that it was because what Harry and I had wasn't normal, but something better, more than what we could have with other people. Going from best mates to  _this_  blew normal out of the water.

I ordered two more shots, though Harry was definitely already drunk and probably didn't need another one. The alcohol wasn't improving his toasts, that was for sure. "If the ocean were whisky and I were a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and never come up," he slurred.

"You are never smoking again," I groaned, tossing back the shot.

"Hey, I thought that one was pretty good. Maybe we can add it to the next album. I always fancied myself a bit of a rapper."

"Yeah, you're a straight up thug homie."

"Actually I'm a holmsie. Cause I'm from  _Holmes_  Chapel. Get it?"

"Seriously, no more weed for you. I didn't know you could get any dorkier," I laughed.

"I may be a dork, but I'm your dork," he smiled up at me sweetly from where he was leaning against the bar and I had to turn away from him before I snogged him right then and there. He was my dork and I couldn't get enough of him, lame jokes and all.

"Let's get this over with and get you home dork." Harry began humming as we walked back to the girls, and I laughed when I realized that it was the cheesy theme song from Ass Play Armageddon.

As we stepped up to the sofa I noticed that Perrie was smiling brightly at me, which immediately put me on edge. "There you are baby! Come here, I missed you," she cooed as she stood up and pulled me more towards the center of the room. She wrapped both of her arms around my waist and looked up at me. She was still smiling but her eyes were anything but happy. "Don't look now, but there are some girls filming us by the bar. Now laugh like I've said something funny."

I smiled down at her. "The only thing I'm laughing at is what a joke this is."

Perrie didn't flinch, but while the smile remained plastered on her face, her tone was sharp and her words were cruel. "You're the only joke here Zayn. What, are you gay now? You need to get your shit together, cause there is no way in hell I'm going to be known as the girl that turned Zayn Malik into a faggot."

My whole body tensed at her words, and I had never wanted to hit a woman so much as I did right then. I was shaking from anger but I tried not to let it show as I brought my hands up to her cheeks and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "You shut your fucking mouth. If you ever talk to me like that again I will fucking ruin you."

I moved my hands to her shoulders and gave her a kiss on the cheek before pulling away, not wanting to blow our cover now and make this whole night pointless. I looked around to see if we were still being filmed but my gaze fell on Harry instead. His eyes were blazing, and I was sure that I had never seen him so angry. Shit. He must have seen me and Perrie and in his drunken state had probably thought that I was flirting with her.

I took a step away from her and started to walk over to him to explain the situation, but I was too late. Too late to do anything but stand there like an idiot while I felt my heart break into a million pieces. Because not even ten feet in front of me sat Harry with Cara pulled halfway onto his lap, and he was looking me straight in the eye as he kissed her right on the fucking mouth.


	12. Chapter 12

                                                                                    

I couldn't process what I was seeing. I didn't know if it was the shots or the weed, but this couldn't actually be fucking happening. But then I heard Perrie laughing from behind me and I knew that this was real. I felt an overwhelming desire to punch something, anything. I had to get out of there before my head exploded or I murdered someone. Preferably Harry. Or that slut Cara. Or that bitch Perrie. Hell, all three of them could catch fire and I would gladly watch them burn.

I knew that I was overreacting but anger was coursing through my body and all I could focus on was getting as far away from them as possible. I had to get away before the anger turned to hurt. I turned on my heel and strode out the door without looking back. I picked up my pace when I heard Harry shout my name, and I didn't slow down until I had pushed my way through the crowd and out the door.

A line of photographers was waiting outside. They began taking pictures and shouting questions at me, but I could barely see them. The image of Cara on Harry's lap, one of his hands on her waist and his lips pressed against her mouth was the only thing I could see. And the way that he was staring at me while he kissed her might have been what pissed me off the most. It was like he was doing it just to spite me. Like he'd intentionally wanted to hurt me.

I looked around for a cab and luckily one was coming down the street. I hailed it and stumbled into the back seat, tossing several bills at the driver. "Just like, drive around or something. I'm not sure where I'm going yet."

I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. Some of my anger had started to dissipate and I could feel the pain starting to creep in. Why did this hurt so bad? I had seen Harry kiss plenty of girls before, and it had never bothered me. Not really. Well, not nearly this much at least.

I was almost positive that he'd kissed her to hurt me and not because he actually wanted to kiss her. Right? Fuck, this was so confusing. I wished that we had defined our relationship so that I could feel more justified in my anger. So that I could know if I even had a reason to be pissed off. Actually no, that was bullshit. There was definitely something going on between Harry and me. He knew it and I knew it, and he should have known that I would never be hooking up with Perrie and him at the same time. He should have known that I would never hurt him like that.

These thoughts and conflicting emotions were relentless and I was suddenly exhausted. I gave the cabbie Harry's address, wanting nothing more than to lock myself in the guest room, smoke weed until I didn't give a fuck about anything anymore, and fall asleep. Harry might not even know I was there if I made it to the house before him, and I would leave first thing in the morning, check into a hotel and figure out my next move from there.

We pulled up to Harry's a few minutes later, and I couldn't tell if he was home or not. I paid the driver and entered the pass code to enter the house, grateful that he had given it to me earlier. I opened the door as quietly as I could, hoping that if Harry was home that he was sleeping and I could slip in unnoticed.

I should have known that I wouldn't be that lucky. Harry was sitting on the stairway with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. The sight of him caused all of my anger to come rushing back, and I slammed the door shut and balled my hands into fists.

His head shot up at the noise. "Zayn, I'm so, so sorry."

The sound of his voice made my heart hurt, and I made myself picture him kissing Cara, needing to focus on my anger before I totally broke down. The thought of her tongue in his mouth made me feel sick, but it was the realization that he might have been turned on by her that pushed me over the edge. I crossed the room in two long strides and grabbed him around the collar of his shirt, yanking him up and tossing him against the wall.

He grunted in response but I didn't let go of him. I slammed him against the wall again, wanting him to hurt like I was hurting. Harry was bigger than me, but I was meaner, and my boiling blood made me feel like I could take on a whole army. "What the fuck Harry? Why would you do that to me? Why?" I asked, slamming my fist into the wall next to his head.

He flinched but didn't try to move away from me. Instead he raised his head and I noticed for the first time that his eyes were red and that it looked like he had been crying. He stayed silent but when I saw a tear slide down his cheek I felt some of my anger slip away. I still had adrenaline pumping through my veins though, and I needed to find a way to release it before I exploded.

"Why Harry? I thought you liked me. That you wanted me..."

"I do Zayn, so much. She means nothing to me. No one else does. I was drunk and dumb and I thought that you and Perrie...it was stupid and it felt horrible to see you run away from me. I'm so terrified that this doesn't mean anything to you. That you'll leave me and go back to Perrie or out with some other girl. I can't handle it Zayn. I can't. I don't just want to be your friend or your drunken hookup. I want to be the only one you want to be with."

I felt like I was high again listening to his words. There was a buzzing in my head and it seemed like my whole body was vibrating. I had gone from furious to confused to joyful in a matter of minutes and I didn't know how to handle the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling. I'd had no idea that he felt that way, and despite the fact that I'd been obsessing over the exact same worries I wanted to punish him for doubting my feelings towards him. But more than that I wanted to show him how I felt. To show him that I only wanted him.

I slammed my lips into his, pouring all my anger and lust and hurt into the kiss. He whimpered as he carded his fingers through my hair, kissing me back just as hard. I pulled away and ripped his shirt open, needing to touch his skin. I pushed him roughly against the wall, gripping his hip with one hand while the other one wrapped around his neck. I could feel his pulse underneath my palm, beating wildly. I leaned in and bit his full lower lip before sucking it into my mouth, just to see if his pulse would pick up. It did. My hand tightened around his throat and I could feel his moans as much as I could hear them.

"You make me fucking crazy," I groaned as I nipped my way roughly down his neck to his bare chest. I sucked and bit harshly at his skin, wanting to mark him. Needing to claim him. "You are mine. I'm the only one that gets to see you this way. To make you hard and to touch you until you shake and come and scream my name. You are only mine."

"Yours," he breathed, moving his hands to pull off my shirt. Once it was on the floor I pressed the full length of my body against his. I slid one leg in between his and rubbed my lower stomach against his hardness. "I need you, please. How do you want me? I'll do anything."

I took a step back and began to undo my pants. "Take your pants off and lie on the floor," I ordered. I knew that the tile floor would be cold but I was hard as a rock and I didn't want to wait to get somewhere more comfortable. Harry quickly pulled his pants and underwear off as I did the same. He was just as turned on as I was, and the sight of him made me so worked up that I was sure that I wouldn't be able to last very long.

Once he was naked and lying on his back I straddled his upper chest and leaned forward, placing my hands above his head. He immediately took me into his mouth and I began to pump in and out slowly, not wanting to finish too fast. His mouth was hot and eager and I moaned in pleasure.

I felt him moving beneath me and I turned my head to see him touching himself. Despite my residual anger I wanted him to feel as good as I did so I pulled out and turned around so that we could take each other at the same time. Harry moaned around me when I took him in my mouth and I began to suck him faster, wanting him to make that noise again. I still couldn't get enough of him though, and I needed to claim him in a more complete way.

His legs were open in front of me and I slid one of my hands over his balls before lightly running it up and down his crack. He spread his legs further and that was the only invitation I needed to press one of my fingers against his entrance. I was being as gentle as I could, just teasing him really, but that was all it took to push him over the edge.

His grunts and moans made me come as well, and we both collapsed onto the floor. The cold tile felt fantastic against my hot skin and even though I could feel bruises forming on my knees and I knew that I had cut my hand open when I punched the wall I was feeling no pain.

I flipped around so that my head was level with Harry's and noticed that I had left at least a dozen bright red marks on his chest and stomach. I pressed my finger against one of them and saw him wince. "Don't care. You deserve it," I mumbled.

"I'll take as many love bites from you as I can get."

"Technically I think these are more like hate bites." He frowned at my words and I felt myself smile weakly. "Fine, love-hate bites. Is that better?" Harry nodded and stood up, reaching both hands down to help me up.

We climbed up the stairs and walked to his bedroom in silence. I could tell that he was relieved that I had followed him in there, and though I was still a little mad I didn't want to sleep anywhere but with him. We crawled into his big bed and he curled into me, resting his head against my chest. I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about anything but the smell of his hair under my chin and the beating of his heart against my side and the feel of his lips pressed against me. I feel asleep quickly, wrapped around the person who pissed me off every day, who scared the shit out of me and who made me feel like I was going fucking crazy. The person whom I was rapidly realizing that I didn't want to live without.


	13. Chapter 13

                                                                            

Dunn dun...duuuuunnnnn duunnn...dunn dunn dunn dunn...

The theme song to Jaws was the first thing I heard the next morning. I groaned and pulled my pillow over my head. I could still hear the ringtone sounding relentlessly from my phone downstairs, but there was no way in hell I felt like talking to anyone from management right now. Not when I could stay curled up with Harry in bed instead.

I moved my pillow back to its original position and looked over at him. He was still asleep and had his body wrapped around my own. His cheeks were flushed and his perfect mouth was slightly open. I could feel his breath against my shoulder, and I relaxed back into the sheets as I relished the feeling of his weight on top of me.

I gently stroked his cheek, feeling a little guilty about how rough I had been with him the night before. He had pissed me off so bad, yet my anger had been nothing compared to the hurt I'd felt. The jealousy too had been overwhelming, and I didn't know how to handle the depth of my feelings towards him. I wasn't sure if it was because I'd already cared for him before all this started or if it was because Harry was simply irresistible, but I was falling fast and hard.

As I stared at him I realized that we hadn't told each other that we loved each other since before our first kiss. Since before the kiss that had turned my world upside down. I felt a twinge of unease, knowing that this lack of verbal affection was unusual for us. All us boys were close, and we'd never hesitated to tell each other that we loved each other before. We all knew how much the fans ate it up when we were sweet with each other, but the truth was that we were generally the same way with each other in private. We weren't doing it to fuel all those bromance rumors. We really did love each other. Well, most of the time anyway.

I wondered if Harry hadn't told me that he loved me lately for the same reason that I hadn't said the words to him: it just meant something totally different now. I was pretty sure that Harry liked me, but I didn't know if he loved me; if he was actually falling in love with me. For as well as I knew him, he was so very different from me that I rarely knew what was going on in his head. Harry was everyone's cup of tea, while I was more like someone's shot of whisky. Plus, he was a people pleaser through and through, so as much as my heart trilled hearing his speech last night, the insecure part of me wasn't sure if he hadn't just said it because he knew that it was what I wanted to hear.

One of the things that I loved most about Harry was also one of the traits that annoyed me the most. One of the things that I knew would make us being an "us" even more difficult going forward. He wanted to be all things to everyone he met, and he hated to disappoint anyone. I was fairly certain that he'd never turned down a fan asking for an autograph or a picture, and while that was admirable, I felt that he often did it at the expense of his own well being and sanity. He was just so  _good_ , deep down to his core, though sometimes I suspected that he might be happier if he could just be a little more selfish. A little more like me.

My phone started going off again and I saw Harry's eyelids begin to flutter. He rolled onto his back as he stretched, a smile spreading across his face before he even fully opened his eyes. "Good morning," he murmured, his voice raspy with sleep.

"Morning babe. 'Bout time you woke up sleepyhead."

"Mmmhmm. I was having a wonderful dream." He opened his eyes and looked into mine, bringing a hand up to caress my stubble. "I think I might still be dreaming."

I smiled and leaned forward to give him a small kiss. He returned it before climbing out of bed and stretching fully. I couldn't help but blush at the sight of him standing unabashedly naked in front of me. Would I ever tire of being able to stare at him like this? I couldn't imagine ever wanting to look away.

"Somebody looks hungry," he smirked. "Want to go get some breakfast? There's a cute little cafe right down the street."

I actually didn't want to go out to breakfast. In fact, I didn't want to leave the house at all. I didn't want to have to share Harry with anyone, but I wasn't sure how to express that without sounding like a lunatic. "Do you think we could just stay in? I...I kinda just wanna stay here in like our own little bubble for a while. If you want to."

"If we're in our own little bubble does that mean that I get to touch you whenever I want to?" I nodded and smiled up at him shyly. "Then I'm in. You're totally right; we need to enjoy this freedom while we can. Hell, I'll starve if it means I get to be all over you for a few days."

My smile grew wider at his sweet words. "I don't think that'll be necessary. I'm sure we can find a way for you to eat and molest me at the same time."

"At the same time? You kinky bastard!" he yelled in a tone of mock shock before grabbing my hands to haul me out of bed. We both pulled on some trackies, Harry not bothering to wear any boxers. His sweats were loose and hung low on his hips, highlighting his v-line, and I was happy to see that he'd decided to remain shirtless. We brushed our teeth, staring at each other in the mirror the whole time. He was somehow managing to smirk at me even with a toothbrush in his mouth, and I did my best to keep an innocent look on my face, even though inside I was lighting up. Everything just felt so new and fun with Harry, and I had to stop myself from bouncing up and down in excitement at the thought of all the time I was going to be able to spend with him, just him, over the next few days.

We went downstairs and I jumped onto the counter as Harry put on some Bruno Mars and began to make us omelettes. He was a slow and deliberate chef, basically approaching it the opposite way from how he did everything else. He took his time to make sure that it would all look and taste perfect. Eventually he told me to take a seat at the island and he brought me a plate and a cup of tea. He had made it just the way I liked it, and it made me feel cherished to know that he had remembered without me saying anything.

We ate in companionable silence, sneaking peeks at each other in between bites. I had always appreciated the domestic side of Harry, and I felt lucky to be able to experience it up close and personal. I reached out to take his hand in mine, placing a kiss on the back of his hand. "Thank you for breakfast. It was delish. You're an amazing cook."

Harry waved off my compliment and stood up to take the dishes to the sink. I stopped him, wanting to take care of him like he was taking care of me. After putting them into the dishwasher we wandered into the living room. We weren't touching, just shooting each other shy glances. The feeling in the air wasn't at all awkward, instead reminding me of a first date, all nervous excitement and butterflies over what might happen.

He suggested that we play WarioWare on the Wii, and we were soon laughing so hard watching each other take turns trying to complete the ridiculous challenges that my stomach started to hurt. I had never played before and if it had been anyone other than Harry I might have refused to, not wanting to risk looking foolish. But I suspected that Harry liked the goofy side of me, and to be honest it felt really good to just relax and be myself without having to worry about getting made fun of.

After Harry had to do the moonwalk while picking his nose we dissolved onto the sofa in a fit of giggles, and he was laughing so hard that I was a bit worried that he might have an asthma attack. "Are you alright? Do you need your inhaler?"

Harry laughed for another minute, still trying to catch his breath. He took my face in his hands. "Awww, you look so scared. I'm fine babe. I can't help it if you're hilarious."

"I don't know...let's just watch a movie until you calm down, okay?"

Harry laughed but didn't argue, giving me a quick kiss and hopping up to look at his Blue Ray collection. He selected a movie and shot me a cheeky grin as he put it in. He plopped back down on the couch, halfway on top of me, not that I was complaining. The movie started and I laughed out loud when I saw that it was Armageddon, thankfully the real one this time.

My whole body heated thinking of what had happened when we'd watched the other version of the movie. Between remembering all of the dirty things Harry had said to me that day and the weight of his leg thrown over mine I was having a hard time focusing on the movie. Just a  _hard_  time in general honestly.

By the time he started singing along to I Don't Want To Miss A Thing I couldn't take it anymore. I shifted so that I had a leg on each side of him and moved him so that his back was flush against my chest. He settled back into me with a contented sigh and placed his hands over mine on his stomach.

I pushed my nose into his messy curls that still smelled faintly of apricots. He hadn't bothered brushing it this morning, instead just running his fingers through it to push it off of his forehead and laughing at me as I applied two different products to my hair.

I attached my lips to his neck, kissing and licking my way from the back of it to just below his ear. Harry didn't say anything, but I think he liked it. I could tell by the way he leaned his neck a bit to the side so that I could get a better angle. I pressed my hips up into him and bit his earlobe gently before whispering, "Can you feel what you do to me?"

He moaned in response and moved his hands to my thighs. I slid my hands down to the front of his pants, skimming my fingers over his rapidly hardening length. He bucked his hips up at the contact, and I knew that he wanted more. I started to move my hand beneath the waistband of his sweats but he stopped me, lifting his hips and pulling them off completely.

Once he'd kicked them off I licked my palm and placed it around him, squeezing him a bit before starting to stroke. I moved my other hand to his hair and pulled it lightly, encouraging him to turn his head so that I could kiss more of his neck.

This continued for several minutes and Harry's moans soon became louder than the sounds coming from the speakers. I brushed my thumb over his wet tip and felt his legs tense. I knew he was close so I whispered, "Come for me Haz. I wanna see it."

He gasped and grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand off of him.

"What's wrong?" I asked, worried that I had upset him.

"Nothing, you're perfect. I just need to kiss you so bad," he replied, turning around and crawling onto my lap. He grasped me around the neck and pulled my mouth to his. I responded immediately, parting my lips to slip my tongue in. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me, loving the way his bare chest felt pressed against my own.

We kissed for several minutes, and I felt like I was going to explode. Never before had I felt so much love and lust for someone at the same time. I backed up a bit and moved my hand in between us but he stopped me just as I touched him.

"What's the matter?"

He looked up at me with hooded eyes and placed his hands on my cheeks. "I just need more of you Zayn. Can we go upstairs? Please?"

My heart started beating even faster and I was suddenly having trouble swallowing. I wasn't sure what exactly he was asking for, but there was no way that I was going to deny him. I was so worked up and nervous and turned on that I couldn't speak, so I just nodded at him. He jumped off of my lap and grabbed both of my hands, pulling me up the stairs and into his bedroom.


	14. Chapter 14

                                                                             

Harry surprised me by heading towards his bathroom instead of his bed when we reached his room. He turned on the water and turned back to me, pulling me into a deep kiss. I felt him slide my pants and boxers off without breaking the kiss, and as soon as I had stepped out of them he moved us into his huge shower and under the hot stream of water. I felt my anxiety slipping away as my lust returned, and I deepened the kiss and held him as close to me as I could.

Harry broke away first and reached for the body wash. He worked my entire body into a rich lather, paying special attention to my dick before pushing me under the water to rinse me off. I reached for the soap but he shook his head and kissed his way down my neck and chest before kneeling down and taking me in his mouth. He looked up at me through his eyelashes and he looked so fucking obscene that I had to look away, knowing that I would finish far sooner than I wanted to if I stared at his sweet pink mouth on me for one more second.

So instead I tossed my head back, relishing the feeling of his plump lips sliding up and down my length. This continued for several glorious moments but just as I felt my release nearing he pulled away from me with a loud popping sound and spun me around so fast that I had to put my hands against the wall to avoid falling down.

I felt one of Harry's hands grip my hip while the other one pushed me slightly forward. Before I could ask him what he was doing his tongue was pressed up against me and I lost all ability to speak. The initial feeling was odd and a little uncomfortable, but as he continued his ministrations I felt myself relaxing into it and soon sensations I had never felt before were making me weak in the knees.

His tongue was relentless, and there seemed to be no end to the different ways he was using it to bring me to the edge. I'd had no idea that this could feel so good, and a steady stream of moans and curses and chants of Harry's name were falling from my lips. My cock was soon throbbing, and I came after only a few strokes when Harry reached around to touch me.

My release was so strong that I collapsed to my knees, barely finding the energy to turn around to face him. It was all I could do to kiss him for the next few minutes, knowing that he needed to come too but too spent to do anything about it. I finally gathered enough strength to move him up onto the bench inside of the shower.

I slid him forward so that he was only partially sitting on the seat and lathered up one of my hands before licking him up and down and slowly taking him into my mouth. I moved my soapy hand to his ass and pressed on his entrance, and he let out a deep groan as I slid my finger into him. I moved it in and out of him as gently as I could, shocked at how tight he was.

"Shit Zayn. Right there, right fucking there," he moaned as I went even deeper. I began to move more quickly, being sure to hit his bundle of nerves on every thrust. His legs soon started to shake and he began to babble incoherently, spurring me on further. I took him deeper into my mouth and felt his hands grip my hair as he came down my throat.

He collapsed back against the shower wall, the sound of his heavy breaths filling the space. When he finally opened his eyes he looked over at me with an amazed expression on his face. "How did we not know how good that was going to feel?"

I laughed. "I know, I feel like someone should have warned us or something."

"So fucking good right?"

"So fucking good baby."

***

The next few days passed blissfully. Our days were spent cuddling and laughing and doing all of the things that we had been doing together for years, only now the experience was heightened to match our growing feelings. Our nights were spent with more cuddling and more laughing and getting to know every inch of each other's bodies. I had thought that I knew everything there was to know about pleasure, but together Harry and I were discovering just how much we'd been missing out on.

I'd thought that I knew all there was to know about Harry as well, but he was opening up to me more than he ever had before. Seeing him in his own space and witnessing all of his eccentricities was the most amazing feeling in the world. Just knowing that I now knew things about him that even the most crazy and obsessive fan wouldn't be able to find out made me feel so damn special. Like how taking a bath with him was like bathing with a giant four year old, complete with bubbles and a rubber ducky and him seeing from how far away he could spit water on me. Or how he mumbled "Uhhh math," and handed me the receipt every time we ordered takeaway, wanting me to figure out how much to tip. Or how he liked to wear superhero costumes while he played video games, claiming that it gave him an edge. He preferred Superman and had pouted until I agreed to put on a slightly baggy Batman costume (though he promised that he was going to have an AmaZayn one made for me as soon as possible), and he looked so adorable all dressed up like that that sometimes we "forgot" to change out of them after we finished playing.

He was literally the cutest fucking guy in the world, and every moment I spent with him just made me want more. We hadn't spoken about what would happen when we had to go back to work, but I think we both knew that we had to enjoy this alone time while we could. I honestly hated having him out of my sight, and he didn't seem to be able to be in the same room as me without touching me.

Harry had been messing about with his phone one morning so I wandered over to his bookcase and grabbed a book. I heard him huff when I sat down on the armchair instead of next to him, but I didn't think anything of it until I saw him get up and come sit on the armrest next to me. A few minutes later he was sliding down next to me, squeezing us both into a chair that was definitely only made for one person. I bit my lip to hide my smile and continued to read (well, pretending to read anyway, since Harry was such a distracting motherfucker). Not even a minute later I felt the book being pulled from my hands, quickly replaced by his body as he climbed on top of me, demanding attention.

We stayed up as late as we could every night, talking about anything and everything and touching each other anywhere and everywhere before passing out, sometimes in the middle of a sentence or even a kiss. One night it felt like I had just closed my eyes when I felt Harry shaking me awake. He was waving one of his jumpers in front of my face and bouncing on his heels.

"Put it on, put it on," he ordered before grabbing my hand and literally skipping out of the bedroom and down the stairs. He made me put on my shoes when we reached the main level and then covered my eyes with his hand and pulled me out into the cold January night. "Ready babe?" I nodded and he removed his hand.

I opened up my eyes and immediately saw what he was so excited about. It was just barely snowing, but it was such a rarity in London and Harry's enthusiasm was so contagious that I found myself smiling like a schoolboy. We had lied down on one of his chaise lounges, cuddling closer and closer the colder we got, Harry exclaiming every few minutes about how beautiful the snow was.

Harry's joyful appreciation of the little things was one of the things I loved most about him. He never forgot to smell the rain or to feel the wind. In his eyes there was no such thing as an ugly baby or a mediocre sunset and under his influence I found myself appreciating things that I would never even have noticed before. Because of him I could feel myself slowly but surely becoming the me that I had always dreamed of being.


	15. Chapter 15

                                                                          

I swear it was the heat of Harry's gaze that woke me up on our second to last morning in London. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet, still trying to cling to the final vestiges of sleep in an effort to avoid the countdown to our return to work, but I could feel Harry's breath gently tickling my nose and I knew that he was watching me.

"Stop staring at me," I mumbled, my eyes still closed.

"I'm not staring, I'm gazing. There's a difference."

"It's creepy."

"It's romantic," he insisted.

I felt a corner of my mouth creep up in a smile. "S' not, it's creepy."

I finally opened my eyes when I was pushed onto my back and covered by a huge body. "Say it's romantic Zayn," Harry ordered as he held both of my hands above my head.

"Nope, definitely creepy," I teased, pushing my hips up into his. I may have been asleep only moments before, but I was wide awake now.

"It seems like part of you likes it when I gaze at you..."

"What can I say, my dick loves creepy things. The creepier the better. You should see it at Halloween."

"Oh, I fully intend to," he replied, causing my whole body to feel a warm glow. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I have a Freddy Krueger mask around here somewhere," he muttered as he began to climb off of me.

"No!" I shouted, grabbing his thighs to keep him in place. "My cock loves romance okay? Show it some candles, flowers, all that shit, and it'll do whatever you want."

"Whatever I want, eh? Your cock sounds like a bit of a slut."

We'd both started laughing too much to continue with our banter at that point, but soon the feeling of Harry's body shaking above mine made me unable to continue laughing. I flipped him over and started kissing him, wanting to make him shake below me for an entirely different reason.

I loved how we could be equal parts playful and lustful with each other. I'd been in a few relationships before and I'd had plenty of fun with girls in the past, but rarely had they overlapped. It seemed like I always ended up trading the light for the heavy when a fling became a thing. But everything was different with Harry. He managed to make me both happy and horny.

"What time is your meeting babe?" Harry asked me as I licked my way from one of his nipples to the other. I raised my head to look at the clock before dropping all my weight on top of him.

"Too fucking soon," I groaned. I'd avoided speaking to anyone from Modest for as long as I could, but I'd finally caved yesterday, and I was due to meet with them today. "I need to leave soon. Guess I better start getting ready."

"Want me to come with?"

I thought for a second before responding. "I'd really like to have you with me, but they already sounded super pissed. Probably shouldn't give them anything else to be angry about."

"Okay. But you're coming back here afterwards, right? No matter what they say?"

"Course babe. No where else I wanna be," I reassured him as I kissed his nose and hopped off of him to head to the loo. Harry sat on the counter and talked to me while I showered and got ready, rambling the whole time, and I could tell that he was nervous. I was nervous as well, though I was trying to hide it for his sake.

We'd avoided the Internet and tabloids as much as we could while we'd been holed up in our little love bubble, so I only knew the basics of what the coverage on our disastrous double date had been like. I knew that pictures had been released of Harry kissing  _that girl_  and that there had been reports of me storming out of the club looking angry, but it seemed like most people were speculating that it was due to a fight between Perrie and me. The bottom line was that no matter which way the story had been spun, there was no way that both Perrie and my management team weren't royally pissed at me over how the "date" had gone down.

"How are you going to get there?" Harry asked, bringing my attention back to him.

I continued fixing my quiff as I answered him. "They're sending a car for me."

"Oh, you mean cause you don't have a license?" Harry taunted.

"Don't start with me mate. Driving's hard."

"It wouldn't be if you didn't keep getting distracted by your reflection," he smirked.

My phone beeped with a text as I turned to face him. "I've gotta go, but you're gonna pay for that later."

"Promise?"

"Promise," I smiled and kissed him before heading down the stairs and out the door.

The ride to Modest was all too brief. I had no idea what they wanted to talk about, but I knew it wasn't going to be good. When I walked into Nancy's office I saw that Paul wasn't there, which made my worry increase tenfold. Paul was tough but he was also fair, and I knew that he cared about me as a person and not just part of a brand. He'd been the one that I had talked to about the meeting, so if he wasn't here it must be because he was upset about whatever Nancy wanted.

"Zayn, have a seat. I was so happy when you decided to finally get in touch with us," she said sarcastically by way of a greeting.

"I was on vacation Nancy. It was nothing personal."

"Well that's good to know. Here I thought that you just didn't want to admit how much you screwed things up on your little date last week."

"Can you just cut to the chase? I'm really not in the mood for a lecture," I groaned, wanting to get this whole thing over with so that I could get back to Harry.

"Needless to say, no one is impressed with your performance with Perrie last week, least of all her. Her agent says she's never seen her this angry, and that's saying a lot. She's threatening to go to the papers if you don't straighten up."

"Straighten up? Seriously?"

"This is no joke Zayn. Little Mix has been fading from the spotlight and their album isn't selling well. She's willing to do anything to get some press."

"I don't give a flying fuck about her or Little Mix. I'm so over this whole charade. Let her do what she wants."

"She's planning on releasing details not only about the cheating scandal, but also about your drug use."

"My drug use? Do you seriously think that the fans care if I smoke a little weed now and then?"

"She's claiming that you do more than that, and that's not all. She had some choice words about what she believes to be an inappropriate relationship between you and Harry."

I tugged on my hair in frustration, unable to believe that Perrie was pulling this shit. "Well, it's all my word against her's, right? Fuck her."

"You've got to be smart here Zayn. It's time for damage control. You're not going to like what I'm about to say, but you have to think about the big picture."

She paused for a moment, and the silence made my stomach churn. "Well? What does she want?"

"She wants you to get engaged."

"What.The.Fuck. are you talking about? She's crazier than I thought if she thinks for one second that I would marry her," I ranted as I stood and began to pace the room.

"Of course you don't have to marry her if you don't want to. But think about it Zayn. This could be the perfect solution."

"In what world would that be the solution to anything?"

"Think about it. If you and Perrie break up now, she'll go to the papers and it will create a shitstorm of epic proportions. For the next six months while you are on tour you will be asked about what happened with Perrie, about whether you have a drug problem, and about what your relationship with Harry is like in every single interview. You will be bombarded with these questions hundreds of times, and you will be under contract to sit there and answer them politely with a smile on your face."

"Fuck!" I shouted, realizing that she had a point.

"And that's not all. Allegations of a love affair with Harry will make the media scrutiny on both of you ten times worse than it already is. You won't be able to go outside together without people turning it into something seedy. Whatever is or isn't going on with you two, I'm sure neither of you wants your business splashed over the front pages."

I sat down and put my head in my hands. I knew that she was right, the press would go insane. As much as I hated to admit it, I wasn't ready for the world to know about Harry and me. It was still too new, and I was still too much of a pussy.

"Well what the fuck do we do then? I hate this entire idea."

"I've managed to put off the engagement for a month or so, and maybe I can stretch it until Valentine's Day. In the meantime, you be on your best behavior and maybe with some luck on our side we can get Perrie to back off. Worse case scenario, you get engaged, pretend for a bit and then we stage a quiet breakup once the tour is over. That way even if she comes forward with her claims, you can go into hiding until it all blows over."

"Fine, whatever. I really can't handle thinking about this right now. Am I free to go?" She nodded and I didn't bother waiting for her to say anything else before tearing out of her office.

My hands were shaking and I was sweating by the time I reached the car. I could feel a panic attack coming on so I pulled out a joint and lit it quickly. I knew that the driver would probably report it to management but I really didn't give a fuck.

The weed hit me pretty quickly, but I still couldn't stop the thoughts swirling in my brain. Why was this happening? Why was everything so fucking complicated? If only Perrie wasn't such a bitch, or if only Harry was a girl then I would gladly tell the world the truth. Not that I wasn't happy to be with him, but I was scared shitless about what people would think of me if they found out. I wasn't proud of it, but it was the truth.

How had this become my life? And how the fuck was I going to tell Harry?


	16. Chapter 16

                                                                                     

I wouldn't let the driver take me back to Harry's straight away, needing time to figure out how to break the news to him. We drove around for a couple of hours before making a pit stop to get something that I'd wanted for a while. I hoped that it might help soften the blow that I was about to deliver.

Harry had texted me several times and each beep of my phone made me feel like more and more of a chickenshit. I was dreading this conversation and hated the idea of destroying the last night we were going to have alone for a while. But I also knew that putting it off wasn't going to do any good, so I texted him back to tell him I was on my way.

I hesitated as I walked towards his front door, unsure of whether to knock or use the passcode to get in. My decision was made for me when Harry opened the door as soon as I made it to the landing. He looked right fit, knocking me speechless as I scanned his body. His button phobia was in full effect, both of his swallows and even the top of his butterfly on display, and I wanted so badly to cover his bare skin with my own.

I reached out my hand and trailed my fingertips down his chest. "You look amazing Harry. What are you dressed up for?"

"Come inside and I'll show you. You were gone forever babe. Is everything okay?"

I stepped inside as I tried to figure out how to word what I needed to say. "It was such bullshit Harry, you'll nev-" I stopped speaking as I walked into the dining room, unable to believe my eyes. He had totally transformed the room in the time I'd been gone. Lit candles covered every surface, and a giant vase of red roses was in the center of the table, which also held two plates of steak, potatoes and asparagus.

"Shit Harry, this looks incredible. You did this all? For me?"

"For us," he answered shyly.

"Thank you. It's perfect. I need to get a picture," I said with a smile, pulling out my phone. We'd taken dozens of photos this week, and I loved knowing that I had pictures of Harry that would never be viewed by millions of tweens on Google Images or Tumblr. There hadn't been a moment or an expression that I hadn't wanted to capture on film. I had pictures of Harry sleeping, eating, and even pouting. But my favorites by far were the pictures we had taken of us together. Those shots of us with our heads pressed together and half of our faces cutoff were so cute and couple-y that they made me want to print them out and plaster them all over my fridge. I was turning into such a sentimental sap.

I took several shots of the table and the candles before Harry declared it his turn to play photographer. "Sit down babe," he ordered as he pulled my chair out for me. "Now hold your silverware up like you're about to eat."

"What are we, Asian tourists? Get over here," I teased as I pulled him onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder as he held out his long arm to take the shot.

"Say cheese!"

"Cheeeese," I grinned. "Lemme see...oh that's a good one. Text it to me, yeah?"

Harry nodded as he took his seat next to me. "Want some wine?"

"Sure. You come prepared, don't ya?" I joked, indicating the three bottles sitting nearby.

"I've prepared for  _everything_  tonight," he responded with a wink. His words didn't have the intended effect, instead making me feel even more guilty about what I needed to tell him. He'd worked so hard to make this night perfect, and I didn't want to ruin it for him.

Reading my mind, Harry asked, "How'd the meeting go? What did they want this time?"

I opened my mouth to tell him, but I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't destroy this night. We were owed this one perfect evening. I'd tell him in the morning. "You know, just to bitch at me about the other night. Perrie's pissed, no surprise there, but I'm sure we'll figure something out to calm her down."

"That's it? Why were you gone so long?"

"I...I kinda got something. A tattoo."

"You got a tattoo?" he asked excitedly. "What is is? Can I see?"

I nodded and stood, lifting my shirt and pushing my pants down a bit to reveal the numbers inked on my hip.

"11.4.10. Is that for April 11th, 2010? The date we auditioned for X Factor?" Harry asked with an awed look on his face.

"It's the day we auditioned, but it's also the first day I ever saw you. We weren't that far apart in the line, and I couldn't take my eyes off of you."

"Really? You legit remember seeing me there?"

"Yeah. I remember you, and your stupid scarf and your adorable curls and those ridiculous shirts your family was wearing. You just seemed so cool and calm, like nothing could embarrass you or get to you, and I just felt like I knew we could be great friends if we got to meet. Even after we got cut, I was gutted, yeah, but I also was trying to come up with a way to get your number or your Facebook or something. How stupid is that?"

"It's not stupid at all," he answered sincerely." Thank you. Thank you for telling me and thank you for getting that tattoo. I love it." He leaned forward to give me a sweet kiss before sitting back and taking my hand in his. "You know, I really wanted to take you out to a fancy dinner tonight, but I knew you wouldn't want to go out in public with me," he murmured, staring at the table and tracing circles on my hand with his thumb.

My heart literally hurt at his words. Harry tended to come across as very confident and always happy, but I knew that he had his insecurities just like everyone else. I'd caught glimpses of them over the past few years, but I felt like I understood him so much better now. We'd stayed up late and talked about everything, from Harry's fear of disappointing his family to my dislike of being viewed as just a boy bander to both of our worries that our lives were never going to be better than they were now. I hated knowing that I was making him insecure about something new.

"Harry, you have to know that if we weren't famous that I would love to go out to any restaurant you wanted with you. I would hold your hand everywhere we went and snog you in the middle of the street and show you off every chance I got. It's just the fans and the paparazzi...I don't want to have to share you...to share what we have with the world, you know?"

Harry brightened a bit. "Well, if we weren't famous I would embarrass the shit out of you every chance I got. I'd insist on sitting on your lap on the tube and I'd call you 'sweet tits' from across the grocery store."

"Maybe it's a good thing we're famous after all," I chuckled as I pulled his hand to my mouth. The truth was that if I didn't have to worry about my job and the press it would be an honor to get embarrassed like that in public by Harry. The thought of acting like a  _real_  couple, doing all those everyday domestic things together like going to the cinema or picking up a jug of milk on the way home, made my heart flutter.

"Are you done eating?" he asked. I nodded. "Good, cause there's something I want to tell you. Will you come upstairs with me?" I nodded again and stood, feeling like my heart was in my throat. Was Harry about to tell me that he loved me? There was honestly nothing I wanted to hear more in the whole world, but it felt so wrong to let him say those words on the same day that I had basically agreed to get engaged to someone else. Even if it was a fake engagement, I knew that Harry would be devastated, and it wasn't fair for me to let him confess his feelings when I was keeping this secret from him.

He led me upstairs with a hand on my lower back, making me feel loved and protected. My eyes widened as I walked into his bedroom. The light was turned off, but twinkling white lights were hung everywhere, illuminating the room with a soft glow. He had soft music playing and there were rose petals strewn across the bed. Fucking rose petals. It was beautiful, and I had never felt as cherished as I did in that moment.

I turned to him with tears in my eyes. "Harry, this is absolutely amazing. I can't believe you did all this."

He stepped towards me and put his hands on either side of my face. "I would do anything for you Zayn. Anything. I-"

I cut him off by bringing my lips to his, desperate to show him how much I loved him since I didn't feel able to tell him just yet. "Harry, please let me take care of you like you've taken care of me tonight. I just need to show you...what you mean to me," I begged in between kisses.

"Yes Zayn, anything...anything you want." We collapsed onto the bed and I kissed him long and hard, pouring all of my unspoken emotions into it. I bit and licked my way into his mouth, wanting to memorize the way his hot tongue moved against mine. My fingers raked through his hair and he moaned against my lips.

I began placing kisses down his chest, unbuttoning his last few buttons as I moved lower. I wanted to kiss every square inch of his body, but I was already throbbing for him and I could tell that he was ready too.

I sat up on my knees between this legs and rubbed my hands up and down his thighs, inching closer and closer to where he was straining against his zipper. I finally moved my hand to it and slowly pulled it down, wanting him to beg for it. I wasn't disappointed.

"Zayn, I need you. Now."

I looked at him and bit my lip as I crawled off of the bed, peeling Harry's tight jeans off as I went. He wasn't wearing boxers, so his dick sprung free and laid against his belly, already leaking. He was fully hard and I couldn't wait to have him in my mouth.

"You look so fucking good Haz. I'm gonna make you scream my name," I promised as I pulled off my own clothes and crawled back in between his legs. I gripped him around his base and brought my mouth to him, swirling my tongue around the tip. His hips bucked up at the contact and I took the hint, taking him fully into my mouth.

Harry moved his hands into my hair, his fingertips tickling my scalp. A steady stream of moans poured from his lips, and I was so turned on by the sounds he was making and the feel of him in my mouth that I couldn't help but reach down to stroke myself. I began to deep throat him, wanting to push him over the edge.

"Zayn...Zayn..." he moaned as I picked up my pace. "Please Zee, I need you. I need you inside of me."

I pulled away and looked at him. "What do you want babe?"

"I want you. All of you."

He looked so fucking beautiful lying there, all spread out and sweet and inviting, that I knew there was no way I could deny him. No way that I would ever want to deny him. "Are you sure?" I asked, needing him to be positive even though my cock had gotten even harder at the thought of what might be about to happen.

"I'm sure. I've wanted this since our first kiss. Maybe before then even. I want you to have all of me."

I felt like my chest might explode, so I took a deep, steadying breath. "I want that too, so much."

Harry let out a breath I hadn't realized he'd been holding and twisted his body to reach into his nightstand. I was so turned on, aching to be inside of him, but I was also scared, both of hurting him and of doing something wrong. But then he turned back to me and one look into his green eyes was all it took for my nerves to all but disappear.

Harry put the condom on me slowly and carefully before applying a generous amount of lube. His hand felt so good on me, but I was glad when he removed it before I got even more worked up. He started to roll over but I stopped him, grabbing his hips and sliding him closer to me.

"Stay like this, please. I want to be able to see you." Harry smiled and bent his knees so that I could have better access. I lined myself up at his entrance and paused to look at his face. "Are you ready baby? Tell me if I hurt you, okay?"

Harry nodded and gave me a small smile, so I began to push into him. I moved as slowly as I could, so slowly that my back ached with the effort, and I kept my eyes on him the whole time. A wide range of emotions crossed his expressive face, and I could tell he was in pain, which made me feel terrible, since all I was feeling was pleasure. He was so tight, tighter than anything else I had ever felt, and I had to concentrate to avoid coming right away.

"Are you okay Haz? Do you want me to stop?" I managed to groan.

"No, please don't stop. You can move, just not too fast." I pushed in a little further, finally bottoming out, before slowly sliding back out, almost to the tip. I continued this for several strokes before reaching down to pull his legs around my waist. Harry's eyes rolled back when I entered him at this new angle, and he let out a strangled moan. I stilled immediately, worried that I had hurt him. "Fuck Zayn, don't stop. Right there, right there...please."

One look at his face told me how good he was feeling, so I began pumping into him more firmly, making sure to hit his spot with every thrust. He was soon shaking underneath me, and I could see his dick start to twitch. His hands gripped the sheets, and I knew he was trying desperately not to touch himself. He looked so obscene writhing beneath me, and I had never loved him more. I leaned forward to give him a kiss before sitting back up to pound him once again. I gripped his hip with one hand and reached the other out to stroke him. He moaned in relief, and I could feel my stomach tightening.

"You're so fucking beautiful Hazza. Are you mine? Please say that you're mine," I panted.

"I'm yours Zee, all yours."

"And I'm yours baby. Always," I groaned as I saw Harry come onto his stomach. I felt him tighten around me and I let go, coming so hard that I collapsed on top of him before I could even pull out. I lied on his chest trying to catch my breath, and I felt him start to card his fingers through my hair. After a moment I rolled off of him and onto the bed, feeling loose limbed and wonderfully relaxed.

I turned my head to look at him. "Are you okay? Was that okay?"

He gave me a lazy grin and leaned in to give me a chaste kiss. "I'm better than okay. That was incredible. I've never felt anything like it."

"Me either," I sighed, bringing my hand up to his face to trace over his eyebrows and cheekbones. His eyelids fluttered shut at the contact, and soon his breaths became slower and more steady. I placed a soft kiss on his plump lips before lying my head on his chest and cuddling up against him, needing to touch him everywhere I could.

My heart was full and my body was sated, but my mind was far from clear. There was no way that I could tell Harry about Perrie's plan now. Even if it was going to be a fake engagement that would never actually lead to a marriage, how would Harry feel knowing that the whole world believed that I loved Perrie and that I had gotten down on one knee and asked her to spend the rest of my life with me? That wasn't fair to him, and I couldn't put him through that after he had given himself to me completely.

I promised myself that I would figure a way out of this mess, and that I would spare Harry the pain of learning about any of it. And as I listened to his heartbeat, which had already become more important to me than my own, I knew that I would do anything I could to keep that promise.


	17. Chapter 17

                                                                                    

I woke up before Harry the next morning, pulled on some sweats and padded downstairs as quietly as I could, wanting him to keep sleeping. I wasn't much of a cook, but I wanted to pamper Harry a bit so I whipped up some scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon for him. It wasn't going to be nearly as good as anything that he could make, but it was the best I could do.

While looking for a tray I found one of those fancy silver covers, like something you'd see a butler carrying in a castle or something. I felt a momentary pang, picturing Harry making breakfast in bed for someone else, someone who wasn't me, but I pushed it aside and decided to just try to be grateful that it would keep his food warm.

I carefully carried the food and two cups of tea upstairs and found Harry still asleep. He looked like sex on a stick, all tousled hair and pouty lips, and I couldn't resist putting the tray down and slowly peeling back the sheets to get a better look. That view was so goddamn delicious that I had to get closer.

I climbed onto the bed and immediately slid him into my mouth. He stirred momentarily, but I'm pretty sure that I managed to wake up little Haz before Harry was even aware of what was happening. It was such a turn on to feel him harden in my mouth; to know that it was my actions that were causing this reaction. It made me feel powerful and incredibly sexy.

I began to suck harder, wanting to lavish attention on every inch of him. I wasn't sure when I would next be able to do this, and I needed to memorize every detail, from the breathy sound of my name spilling from his lips, to the weight of him against my tongue, to the way my eyes watered when he hit the back of my throat, to how he tasted when he came in my mouth. It was all so fucking intoxicating. I was confident that I could become a morning person if that sound, that touch, and that taste were always the first things I experienced upon waking.

I took a seat next to Harry, who seemed barely able to open his eyes. "I definitely don't want to get out of bed now," he mumbled.

"Well too bad, I made you breakfast," I said as I presented the tray with a flourish, whipping off the lid with a "Ta-da!"

"Breakfast in bed and a blow job? If I had known I'd be rewarded like this I would have given it up to you the day we met," he informed me cheekily before seeing what I had made him and growing serious. "You made me bacon?"

"Of course. It's one of your favorites. And microwavable."

"But you aren't allowed to eat it, and I know how much the smell makes you want some. You didn't need to do that for me Zee."

"Trust me, you're worth it. Now hurry up and eat. I want to take one last shower with you."

"Don't call it our last shower," he groaned. "It's just our last one for a bit, right? Besides, maybe we can sneak one in together in the middle of the night on the bus."

I laughed. "As much as I'd enjoy that, there's no way we could both fit in there. That shower is the worst."

Harry looked off into space for a minute as he munched on his bacon. "Maybe we should have a code word or something so that we can use to tell each other if we're down for some alone time."

"Don't really think that's necessary. I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be down for alone time with you whenever you want it." My words seemed to have the opposite of their intended effect, and Harry looked crestfallen. "But it might be kinda exciting to have a way to send secret messages. Like some James Bond type shit," I backtracked.

Harry beamed and we discussed what gesture or word would be best as he finished his food. He thought we should go for the subtle ear pull, while I favored the more straightforward "I'll grab your junk and tell you to get on your knees" method. Luckily Harry thought this was a brilliant idea and that we needed to test it out in the shower right away.

We took our time in the shower, making out under the hot water until our fingers were pruney and we were inhaling steam instead of air. We finally pulled apart when I felt like I would die or at least pass out if I didn't come  _right that minute_ , but Harry still moved slowly. He lathered me up thoroughly, rubbing the soap onto me in small, teasing circles with his rough hands until I felt like my knees were going to buckle and I had to lean back against the cool tile wall. I threatened to finish the job myself but he ignored me, instead pulling the showerhead down to rinse everything away. When he finally,  _finally_ , dropped to his knees and wrapped his lips around me I came almost immediately, the sight of him like that enough to get my whole body shaking.

After toweling off Harry helped me drag all of my stuff from the guest room into his bedroom so that I could pack it all up. We hadn't exactly discussed how different things were going to be over the next few months, but he seemed as unable to be away from me as I was from him, wanting to take advantage of this time together while we had it.

All too soon we were packed and headed out to the van that had come to take us to the jet. Niall hopped out as we approached and we both ran up to him to give him a big hug. "What are you doing here Zayn? I thought we were just picking up Harry?"

"Uhhh, yeah, I uh, got in last night and Haz let me stay over." Harry and I had also not discussed what we were going to tell the other lads, wanting to avoid any discussion of the future that might pollute our happy little bubble of isolation.

Luckily Niall didn't seem concerned or suspicious in the least, and the ride to the airport was better than I could have hoped for. Reuniting with Liam on the tarmac was great as well, and I realized that I'd missed the boys even if I had been too wrapped up in Harry to notice.

The tension increased a little when Louis arrived, seeing as he simply nodded at me before enveloping Harry in a (much too tight, much too long) hug. Honestly, I would've minded a lot more if Harry hadn't winked at me over Louis shoulder. How was it that someone who had seen me naked and sucked me off and done any other number of dirty things to me could still give me butterflies with a simple wink?

Unfortunately the tension returned when we boarded the plane and both Louis and I went to put our stuff down next to Harry. Harry blanched for a moment before picking up his own bag and saying that he was going to sit by Liam. I knew it was just his diplomatic way of avoiding hurting anyone's feelings, but I was still disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to sit with him.

Luckily the seat next to Niall was empty, and between catching up with him and taking a nap the first half of the trip passed quickly. The same could not be said for the last few hours. Harry was one row over and one row back from me, and though I could hear his laugh from time to time not being able to see him from my window seat was making me itchy. I felt like Harry's absence was actually causing me to have an allergic reaction.

I knew it was insane, but once the idea took hold in my mind I felt the need to scratch my entire body. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something else, anything else, but it was fruitless. I had to get closer to him. Christ, if it was like this after only a few hours how in the hell was I going to keep from going crazy over the next few months?

I eventually gave up any desire to look cool, to either Harry or the others, and walked over to where he and Liam were sitting. They were deep in conversation, and I felt like I was about to ask the captain of the football team if I could cut in for a dance with the prom queen. "Umm Liam, you mind if I sit there for a bit? I need to talk to Harry."

"Sure mate, no problem," he agreed happily, standing up so that I could slide into his seat.

Harry shot me a cocky grin. "You fellas sure know how to make a girl feel like the belle of the ball," he drawled. I chuckled at how closely his thoughts were mirroring my own.

"Sorry, I was going crazy over there."

"I'm glad you came over. I was already trying to come up with an excuse to switch seats with Niall," he admitted, placing his hand on my arm for a second.

His words and his touch did the trick, and the phantom itching magically disappeared. "We're really in trouble here, aren't we?" I sighed.

"Big time," he answered. "I can't get last night out of my head," he whispered while looking into my eyes.

I groaned and shifted in my seat to hide the immediate effect his words had on me. "Me either. That Marvin Gaye song has been playing on a loop in my head."

"Hey, Let's Get It On is a classic."

"It's my new favorite," I admitted, blushing a bit and shifting my leg so that it was touching his. "I'm just glad that something by someone we know wasn't playing. I can only imagine like running into Ed and having to cover my hard on cause all I'd be able to think about was what we did while his song was on."

Harry laughed along with me, "I'd actually pay to see that. Maybe that should be my new goal: to made you hard in public whenever I can."

I groaned again. "You already do that, all the time, just by being...you. I think I'd have to wank ten times a day if you actually put effort into trying to turn me on."

"Now  _that_  I would definitely pay to see," he warned with a wicked glint in his eyes.

"Harry, don't start with me," I warned right back, knowing exactly what he was planning.

"Don't start what?" he asked with mock innocence. "Don't start telling you how good you felt last night? How I could have come even without your hand on me?"

I stared straight ahead as I felt all the blood rush straight to my dick. I tried to focus on keeping a straight face, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he was affecting me.

"You felt so good pounding me, and I can't wait to do it again. How about you? Did it feel good to you too? Was I tight enough for you?"

I bit my lip to keep from moaning but I couldn't stop myself from nodding my head, remembering just how perfect he'd felt around me.

"That's what I thought. Look at me, look at how hard I am thinking about last night. What would you do to me if we were alone in this plane? Huh Malik, what do you want to do to me?"

Something inside of me broke at his words. "I'm gonna get you back so bad for this."

"Oh yeah, what're you going to do?"

"I'm gonna tear that ass up. I may have been gentle last night, but I'm gonna show you who's boss the first chance I get."

"Promise?"

"That's not a promise, it's a fact."

One simple, "I can't wait," was all it took to push me out of my seat.

"Liam, you can have your seat back. Thanks bro," I stated as I walked as calmly as I could to the bathroom. I had a strange sense of deja vu as I locked myself into the tiny room, wondering if I would ever be able to resist Harry. As infuriating as he was, a big part of me hoped that I would never stop wanting him as desperately as I did now, which only strengthened my resolve to put this Perrie situation behind me quickly and quietly.


	18. Chapter 18

                                                                                    

It was pride that led to my first drink that night. A little welcome back dinner party had been arranged for the band and crew, but my mind was consumed with a plan that I'd been working on for the last few hours of the flight. I had to find a way to somehow smooth things over with Perrie and make her see reason. It wasn't much of a plan and it was a long shot, but it was all I had.

I knew that I needed to be prepared to kiss some major arse, and as much as that sucked I was willing to eat crow for Harry's sake. But it still took the Jack and coke to get me to hit the send button.

**ZAYN:**   _Hi Perrie, how are you? Could you give me a call? I was hoping we could talk about everything._

 

*

 

It was anxiety that led to my second drink. I'd secluded myself at the start of the party so that I could work up the nerve to text Perrie and hopefully receive a call from her, but now I needed to socialize and I knew that people were going to want to know where I'd been hiding myself during our break.

I needn't have worried. Everyone from the crew to my band mates seemed perfectly happy to accept my vague response of "Chillin," in answer to their questions. I guess having a reputation as a loner and a homebody can come in handy sometimes.

Harry didn't get off as easily. Liam was the first person I heard ask him, "What'd you get up to over break Hazza?"

"Me? Oh, I was in recovery."

"Recovery from what?" Liam asked, his brow furrowing in concern.

"I had a penis reduction. It's still too big though," Harry answered, causing Liam to laugh and me to choke on my second Jack and coke.

Louis didn't seem amused. "Seriously, where were you? I barely heard from you."

"I just needed some time away from everything. It was really nice actually. I learned quite a bit about myself," Harry said with his eyes locked on mine.

 

*

 

It was jealously that led to my third drink. Dinner had just finished and we were all hanging around, catching up, when Josh joined us.

"So Harry, what's up with you and Cara? I saw those pictures of you two...nice work mate. My guess is you were holed up somewhere with her all week. She's probably the reason you look like you can barely walk."

I didn't even wait for Harry's response to down my bevy in one go, trying to block out the images of them kissing before they could invade my mind.

"Not bloody likely. We're just friends, if that. It was just a drunken one off," Harry insisted, much to my relief.

 

*

 

It was annoyance that led to my fourth drink. Louis had pulled Harry off to the side an hour ago, and they were still having a little pow wow in the corner of the restaurant. I ordered a double, trying to ignore the pointed looks Louis was shooting me over Harry's shoulder. I wished that I could hear what they were saying or think of a legitimate reason to interrupt them, but the best my alcohol infused brain could come up with was "He's mine, back off bitch," and I didn't think that would win me points with anyone.

 

*

 

It was anger that led to drinks five through...something. We had just gotten back to the tour bus and I could barely stand up straight when I finally got a response from Perrie.

**PERRIE:**   _There's nothing for us to talk about. Either you do what I say, or the whole world finds out that you're a poofer who likes it up the ass. It's your choice. Love, the future Mrs. Malik_

I saw red when her text came through. I didn't know whether to scream or cry or hit something. So I decided to drink. Luckily we had a fully stocked bar on the bus, and I felt that I'd earned the right to a few strong ones for having to put up with her bullshit.

 

*

 

It was all the drinks and my own stupidity that led to me fucking everything up. The more I drank the more frustrated and pissed off I got, until I wasn't even sure exactly what I was mad about anymore. I just knew that it wasn't fucking fair that I had to even still be talking to Perrie, much less having to pretend to be in love with her. Or that I was going to have to sleep in a bunk bed for the next several months, knowing that Harry was just a few feet below me but not be able to touch him. Or that my whole life had somehow become about image and branding and never about what I fucking wanted.

I'd had enough, and I knew that the only solution was to put Perrie in her place for once and for all.

**ZAYN:**  G _o fuck urself perrie. Ur nothin bt a stupid cunt an u don't even desrve to breathe thee same air as haz. I wish Id never met u. So tell the presss whtever u want 2 cuz I relly dont give a fuck_

 

*

 

It was this text that led to my life being fucked up in ways I had never imagined.

 

***

 

It had been three days. Three fucking days since I had sent Perrie that text. Three days since I'd last kissed Harry. Three days since I'd last known what it felt like to not be consumed with guilt and worry.

I'd woken up that first morning back on the bus hungover as fuck and unable to remember large portions of the previous night. Unfortunately a quick scan of my texts brought everything rushing back, and I'd had a knot in my stomach ever since.

Our schedule had been jam packed, and Harry and I literally had not gotten a moment alone. He still managed to make me feel special though, sending me sweet texts throughout the day and dirty texts throughout the night. I found that it was during concerts that I now felt the closest to him, as I settled for looking at him while I sang my solos since I didn't have the opportunity to tell him how I was feeling in private.

A lot of our songs had become more special to me as I imagined that they were about Harry and me. They Don't Know About Us had especially taken on new meaning for me, and I couldn't take my eyes off of him as I sang my parts.

Our lack of alone time was doing nothing to dampen my feelings towards him. If anything, I could feel myself falling harder. The degree to which I was missing his touch and sweet words just confirmed what I already knew: I was head over heels for him.

Which only made me more stressed out about the Perrie situation. I had been hoping to hear back from her before I confessed everything to Harry so that I would at least have an idea of what we were up against. But I had heard nothing from her or management, and I had no idea what her reaction to my belligerent text would be.

I found out three days after we'd gone back on the road, when Paul told me he needed to talk to me and asked me to go on a walk with him. Normally Paul was the authority figure that I'd most want to deal with, but something in his tone made me want to lock myself in the loo and never come out.

He didn't waste any time in breaking the bad news to me. "I just got off the phone with Nancy, and there are some big changes coming Zayn. They've decided that Little Mix is going to join the tour as a second opening act. They think of it as a nice surprise for your fans and a good way to increase their album sales."

"Fuck," I swore, hating the idea of having to see Perrie every day.

"I'm afraid that's not all. Perrie's insisting that you guys get engaged right away. She wants you to propose on your birthday or she's going public with all kinds of allegations."

His words stopped me dead in my tracks, and I had to squat down for fear that I might pass out. I didn't know how to respond. I had been counting on having a few weeks to sort everything out, and now I didn't even have a few days.

Paul knelt down and clasped a hand on my shoulder. "I'm really sorry son. I know this isn't ideal, but we just need to get through the next few months and then we can announce a breakup while you're off sunning on some beach where people can't ask questions. Okay?"

I nodded, still unable to speak. All I could think about was Harry. I could deal with Perrie for a few months as long as I knew that I had Harry by my side, in private at least, but he shouldn't have to put up with this shit. He deserved better, and I was terrified that I wasn't worth all the drama and heartache that I was about to put him through.


	19. Chapter 19

                                                                    

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

How the fuck was I going to break this to Harry? How was I going to live this lie without hurting him? Paul had left me alone, knowing that I needed some time to process everything. The bus had been empty when I returned to it, so I'd lied down on my bunk, trying to figure out how to best explain everything to Harry.

I must have drifted off, because when I woke up the bus was moving and I could hear the guys laughing. I walked to the front and saw everyone there, about to watch a movie from the looks of it.

"Zayn, c'mere. I saved you a seat," Harry said, patting the empty space on the couch next to him. I sat down beside him, as close as I could without it looking strange to the others. Just being in his presence made me feel a million times better, and I felt myself releasing some of the tension I'd been carrying around all day. I would tell him as soon as we had a second alone, and we would get through it together. We could get through anything together.

"We're about to watch the new Paranormal Activity. Sorry," Harry whispered as he kicked off his trainers and pulled a blanket over us. I groaned and leaned my head against the back of the sofa. I hated horror movies, though I kind of liked the idea of having an excuse to hide in Harry's arms. As soon as the movie started I inched a bit closer to him, confident that the other guys weren't paying attention to us.

I felt Harry's hand on my leg before the opening credits were finished and I couldn't hold back my sigh, relieved to finally be touching him after what seemed like forever. My relief turned to want as I felt him slowly inch his way up my thigh. I tried to grab his hand to stop its upward progress but he shook me off. I wasn't sure what he was planning, but I could tell from the mischievous look in his eye that it was going to be good, and as much as I wanted him to continue I knew that I didn't deserve for him to so I tried to link his fingers with mine once again. Once again he shook me off, shooting me a hurt look. Then his hand slid up several more inches and I no longer had the strength to resist.

Never before have I been so grateful for a blanket, or a dark room, or a loud movie, or Harry's goddamn hands. He knew just what to do with them and after a few minutes of him touching me I was ready to explode. He kept his face blank and stared straight ahead at the screen, but I could see his chest rising and falling more rapidly than it would have been if he'd actually been focusing on the movie. He seemed to time his movements to the action in the film, stroking me more quickly when it got louder and just slowly teasing me when things quieted down. It felt so fucking good, but I was in physical pain from trying to hold my body still and bite back my moans, and I was torn between wanting to kiss him and kill him.

I knew I wasn't going to last much longer, so I slid the leg farthest away from Harry up onto the sofa and rested my head against my knee. If any of the other guys noticed me squirming around I hoped that they would just think that I was scared. I guess having a reputation as a chickenshit had its advantages. I had no idea what was going on in the movie, but I vaguely heard a woman screaming as Harry's hand began to move impossibly fast and I couldn't hold back anymore. My whole body jerked when I came, and I buried my head against Harry and bit his neck to muffle my moans.

I felt him patting my head and heard him stage whisper, "Don't be scared, Zee. It's just a movie," which made all the guys laugh, none harder than Harry himself. I bit down a little harder on his neck before releasing him and giving him the dirtiest look I could muster. The pout he gave me would been enough to make me forgive him if I'd actually been mad, but I knew it wasn't his fault that I couldn't resist him, and a big part of me was happy that he wanted me enough to take these risks. What we had just done may not have been smart, hell it was probably closer to downright stupid, but that didn't make it any less exciting.

"I've had enough of this dumb movie," I said as I stood up and excused myself to go shower off the mess that I had made.

"Are you sure you're not too scared? Want me to come in and protect you?" Harry asked with a look on his face that might have passed for innocent if I didn't know him so well. I bit my lip and kept walking, not trusting myself not to blurt out exactly how much I did wish he could follow me.

I took a long, hot shower, still trying to come up with the best way to tell Harry. We were going to be traveling all night and it really wasn't a conversation I wanted to have with the guys nearby. I decided that the best thing would be to try to pull him off to the side whenever we stopped in the morning.

But when I woke up the next day a quick scan of the bus told me that Harry wasn't there. Liam told me that we'd just arrived at the hotel, so I must have just missed him.

_**ZAYN:**  Hey, where are you?_

_**HARRY:**  Paul woke me up super early to work on the album. I think I'll be in the studio all day._

_**ZAYN:**  Oh, okay. I wish you had woken me up._

_**HARRY:**  Sorry babe, I'll make it up to you later ;-)_

I smiled as I read his text, though I was feeling more and more stressed every second that went by that I didn't get to talk to him. I tried to brush off those feelings and checked into my hotel room, grateful that my last night as a 20 year old would be spent in a real bed, hopefully in Harry's arms. But the morning passed slowly, my nerves increasing as the day went on. I was so tense that I was actually relieved to get a text from Paul, hopeful that he would have something for me to do that would help take my mind off of everything.

_**PAUL:**  Can you come to room 1311? We need to go over some last minute details._

I groaned but headed down to the correct floor, wanting to hear what he had to say. My heart sunk when the door was opened by none other than Perrie. I brushed past her without saying hello, too pissed off by the situation she was putting me in to even pretend to be nice to her if it wasn't absolutely necessary.

"What's up?" I asked Paul.

"I needed to give you this before you go out tonight," he said, placing a little black velvet box in my palm. My hand tightened around it and I had to resist the urge to throw it across the room.

"Why are you giving it me? She's the one who wants it. And what do you mean I'll need it tonight? My birthday isn't until tomorrow. I have another day."

"They've planned a birthday party for you tonight, and I think it's the perfect opportunity for you to propose. Surprise," Perrie said with a nasty grin.

"No fucking way am I proposing to you in front of...in front of all of my friends. Or at all. I don't know what fantasy you've built up in your head about me getting down on one knee and declaring my love, but that shit ain't happening."

"You've already agreed to this Zayn. You need to propose."

"Here," I said, placing the box in her hand. "Just put it on and we'll tell people I proposed before we went out. Good enough?"

Perrie ignored me, too busy sliding the giant rock on her finger, the sight of it there making me sick to my stomach. "If that's done, I'm outta here," I told Paul.

"Fine Zayn, thanks. Just be here at nine to pick Perrie up. And try to act surprised tonight, okay?"

I nodded at him and left, pulling my phone out to text Harry as soon as I got back to my room. Somehow all of the time I'd had to tell him everything had vanished, and I had to get it over with before it was too late.

_**ZAYN:**  Are you back yet? There's something I have to tell you._

_**HARRY:**  I'm not back yet, but I already know._

My nausea increased as I read his words.

_**ZAYN:**  Fuck Harry, I'm so sorry. Can you please come meet me so that I can explain everything?_

_**HARRY:**  It's ok Z. Well no, it's not ok. It's complete & total bollocks, but it's not your fault. It'll suck, but we'll get through it_

I let out a deep breath as I read the words that seemed to be echoing my hopes from last night. It was my fault that Harry was having to deal with this shit, but here he was, still willing to stand by my side. He deserved so much better than me, and I just hoped that he didn't realize it before I could somehow make him love me even half as much as I loved him.

The rest of the day passed more quickly after that, since it was decided by someone who most definitely wasn't me that I needed to get a haircut and get fitted for a new fucking suit so that I could look my best as I lied to everyone I cared about in order to make someone I couldn't stand happy.

Eventually I found myself in the car with Perrie on the way to the club, even more pissed off once I noticed that some genius had decided that she and I needed to fucking match one another. So now here I was, sat in a stupid purple shirt to match her hideous lipstick and hair, trying to figure out how I was supposed to convince everyone that I was actually excited about this "engagement". I wasn't even sure if I would be able to stop myself from using air quotes every time I had to say the word.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as we arrived, trying to focus on the fact that I would finally be able to spend some time with Harry. I just had to get this over with, and then we would have the whole night together, alone.

Perrie seemed to sense that I wasn't in the mood for any of her shit, or maybe she was just happy that she'd gotten what she wanted, probably already imagining her face on the front pages tomorrow. Either way, she stayed quiet as we made our way inside, though she had my hand in a death grip.

Someone must have warned them we were coming, because as soon as I opened the door and ushered her inside the lights popped on and I was greeted with a loud chorus of "Surprise!" I put on my best shocked face and clutched at my heart, mainly just to have an excuse to let go of Perrie's hand.

I left her side as soon as I could and made my way around the room, saying hello to everyone I needed to as quickly as possible before stopping near where Harry and Niall were standing. Harry immediately sidled up to me with a smile and started singing the lyrics to the Ludacris song that was playing.

_Shake shake shake your money maker_   
_Like you were shaking it for some paper_   
_Took your mama 9 months to make you_   
_Might as well shake what you mama gave you_   
  
_You ... you looking good in them jeans_   
_I bet you look even better with me in between_   
_I keep my mind on my money, money on my mind_   
_But yous a hell of a distraction when you shake your behind_

Harry looked so fucking good shaking his ass in his white t-shirt and tight jeans that showed off the cute little love handles that he hated but never could seem to get rid of. I loved them though, just as much as I loved the rest of him, and I found myself wishing desperately that we were alone so that I could drop to my knees and bite at them.

I finally tore my eyes away from him and scanned the club. No one was paying any attention to us, despite the fact that Harry was actually fucking twerking and literally shaking what his mama gave him and just being an all around proper show off. Even Niall, who was standing right next to us, didn't seem to think that it was odd that Harry was singing directly to me and ignoring him completely. I felt myself relax for the first time all day, realizing that my "relationship" with Perrie was the perfect cover. As long as people thought that I was with her, they had no reason to suspect that anything could possibly be going on with Harry and I. This granted us a certain amount of freedom that we otherwise wouldn't have had.

I placed my hand on Harry's hip, making sure to slide my thumb underneath his shirt so that I could make contact with his skin. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

He grinned back at me. "Just try and keep me away," he said, his gaze flicking back and forth from my eyes and my lips.

I knew then that this was the best feeling in the world. Not the triumph I'd felt as a little boy when I finally managed to climb the tree in my grandparents' backyard, or the peace that would wash over me when I would lie in their hammock on rare hot days, feeling the sun warm my skin, or even the euphoria of getting signed to a record deal, but  _this_ : having Harry look at me like I was the only person in the room. Like I was the only person in his world.

The lights in the club were suddenly dimmed even further, and I took advantage of the opportunity to step closer to Harry and link my pinkie with his. Unfortunately Perrie appeared at my side and pulled me away from him just as a server wheeled out a large table with a birthday cake on it. Everyone started singing what was, for a room full of singers, an astoundingly off key version of Happy Birthday, and I'm sure that my cheeks were a bright pink by the time that I had made my wish (just one word,  _Harry_ , summing up everything that I was hoping for and dreaming of) and blown out my candles. I may have been fine performing in front of thousands of fans with the rest of the group, but I was still uncomfortable receiving individual attention like this.

Perrie of course had to stay true to form and prolong the torture. She asked for everyone's attention and raised her glass high in the air. "Here's to Zayn. You've been the best boyfriend that a girl could ask for, and I know that you'll be an even better fiance. That's right everybody - Zayn proposed! We're getting married!" she shouted, raising her other hand to flash her ring at the crowd.

Loud cheers erupted and I could feel people patting me on the back, but I couldn't be bothered to respond. My eyes had fallen on Harry, and I knew immediately that I had made a terrible mistake. One look at his face told me that he'd had no idea about the engagement. I had never seen him look so shocked or hurt, and my heart plummeted into my stomach.

"Harry, wait!" I shouted as I saw him turning on his heel and heading towards the back of the building. I pushed my way through the crowd as quickly as I could, ignoring the congratulations and well wishes of everyone I passed. I didn't give a fuck about what anyone had to say about this except for Harry. I had almost caught up to him when I saw him slip out the back door. I followed and reached out to touch his shoulder as soon as I stepped outside.

He shoved me off of him. "Harry, please let me explain. I thought that you already knew...I never would have let you find out like that if I had known that-"

"How long? How long have you known about this?" Harry roared, looking like he wanted to murder me.

I hesitated before answering.  "A while I guess. I wanted to tell you, but there hasn't been a good time..."

"Did you know in London?" I nodded and saw Harry's eyes fill with tears. "Did you know before that night? Before I gave myself to you?"

"I'm so sorry. Please understand, it means nothing-" I was cutoff when I felt a sharp pain on my cheek and saw a bright light flash in my left eye. The next thing I knew I was lying on the ground and Harry was standing above me with Liam trying to hold him back.

"It means everything!" he screamed before pushing Liam away from him and storming back into the club. I knew that I needed to go after him but I couldn't bring myself to make the effort. I felt like my whole world had just been turned upside down, and it was all I could do to not completely breakdown on the spot.

Liam reached a hand down to help me up. "Are you alright? What was that all about? I've never seen him mad enough to punch someone before."

I flinched as he held a hand up to by cheekbone. "I- I don't know. I've gotta get out of here. Cover for me?" Liam nodded and I headed off into the night, knowing that I couldn't go back into the club looking like I had just been in a fight. The street was crowded and I knew it would only be a matter of time before I was recognized, so I hailed a taxi and headed back to the hotel.

I focused on the throbbing in my face in order to delay the true pain that I knew was going to hit me at any moment. I managed to get to my room without crying or hitting anything, which was a minor miracle. One glance in the mirror told me that I looked almost as bad as I felt, but I couldn't blame Harry for hitting me. I deserved that and more. How could I have been so stupid? I should have made sure that he knew about everything ahead of time. Hell, I should have told him when we were back in London, or better yet, I should never have agreed to go through with this stupid plan in the first fucking place.

I could feel the tears threatening, and I pressed my palms to my eyes, not wanting to give into the pain yet. I made my way to the bedroom and saw a wrapped gift sitting on the edge of the bed. Despite its broken state my heart fluttered at the sight, knowing instinctively that it was from Harry. The thought of him going to all the trouble to sneak a present into my room made me feel like an even bigger dick, and my hands trembled as I peeled the wrapping paper off of it.

One look inside was all it took for the dam to break. Tears started to stream down my face and I couldn't hold back my sobs as I held the gift in my hands. It was black and red with white graffiti accents, and it represented everything that I had lost tonight. I sat down on the bed and cried harder than I had in years, knowing that I would probably never get the chance to wear this costume. That I would never get the chance to sit with Harry in between my legs while we played video games, nibbling on his ear to distract him when he was beating me and peppering his face with kisses when he pouted when I beat him. I could picture it all so clearly, and the thought that it would never happen now, that I would never get to show Harry how much he meant to me, made me feel like I would never be happy again.

I curled up on the bed and cried myself to sleep, celebrating my birthday by mourning everything that I had lost.


	20. Chapter 20

                                                                                    

I barely slept that night, unable to get the hurt look on Harry's face out of my head. I texted him again and again and begged him to talk to me, but I'd heard nothing back, and I'd finally given up on sleep when I saw sunlight creeping in through the gap in the curtains. I didn't bother shaving or even brushing my hair, knowing that there was no possibility of looking good when I was feeling so shitty.

I threw on a hoodie and walked down the hall to Harry's door, needing to see him. I felt like having him in front of him and somehow convincing him to forgive me was the only thing that could make the hole inside of me disappear. I knocked on his door and was about to try again when it was jerked opened by Louis.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I blurted, taken aback by the fact that he was wearing pajamas and had obviously been there all night.

"I'm here because Harry wanted me to be here. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to him. Harry, please talk to me," I said a little louder as I attempted to push past Louis.

Louis put his hand on my shoulder to stop me and I automatically shook him off. "I don't know what you two are fighting about, but he's really upset and there's no way I'm letting you in here."

"What are you, his fucking bodyguard?"

"No, I'm his friend, which is more than I can say for you right now." His words stung, and I took a step back as I attempted to reign in my emotions. "You need to go Zayn. Now," Louis said as he shut the door in my face. I leaned my head against the wall, unable to believe that I was somehow feeling even worse than I had been only minutes ago and feeling stupid for even trying when Harry couldn't stand the sight of me.

"Zayn?" I jumped when I heard my name, turning to see Lou and Lux walking towards me. "Are you okay? You look like shit. He really got you good, didn't he?" she asked as she skimmed her fingers over my bruised cheek.

"I guess you heard?" I asked as I managed to give Lux a small smile.

"I've heard more than you think. We're heading to breakfast, and you're coming." I sighed. Part of the reason we all loved Lou so much was her take charge attitude, so I knew there was no point in telling her no. We made our way to the restaurant slowly, each of us holding one of Lux's hands. When we sat down I immediately put my head on the table, not caring how pathetic I looked.

"Don't look now," Lou said after a while, causing me to pick my head up and look at her for the first time since we'd arrived. She inclined her head towards the entrance and I turned to see Harry and Louis entering. Harry's steps faltered when he noticed me but he quickly looked away and sat down at a table on the other side of the room. as far away from me as possible. I couldn't tear my eyes off of him, trying to see if it looked like he was even remotely as miserable as I was.

But he looked fine, and I was forced to watch the How to Break Zayn's Heart show, starring Harry Styles and Louis fucking Tomlinson. They were laughing and carrying on and sitting way too fucking close like they didn't have a goddamn care in the world, and I felt worse and worse the longer I stared them. But it wasn't until I noticed that Louis was wearing Harry's Pink Floyd t-shirt that I started to feel sick to my stomach. Lou must have noticed that my mood had deteriorated even further, because she asked "What's wrong love?"

"Louis' wearing Harry's shirt," I whispered, forgetting to censor myself in a moment of weakness. "I guess they're back to swapping clothes again. Not that I give a fuck. Harry dresses like a flamboyant fifty year old hipster hobo, and I wouldn't be caught dead in his clothes," I lied, knowing that I would gladly even wear one of his stupid headscarves if he asked me to.

Something in my tone must have alarmed Lou because the next thing I knew she was gripping my shoulder and pulling me towards the door. "Come on, we're going to my room. I'll order us some room service and we'll have a little chat."

I knew that I should play it off and not make it so obvious how much the sight of Harry was upsetting me, but I felt too broken to even make an effort. So I just nodded and followed her upstairs after bending down to pick Lux up, knowing that she was the only person who would be able to make me smile. She didn't let me down, immediately grasping my face in her tiny hands and saying, "Zee ouchie? Me make it better," before giving me a big smooch on my purple cheek.

"Wow Lux, it feels all better now! Thanks love," I told her as I held her a bit tighter. Lou gave her some toys and a snack when we got to her room before turning her attention to me. I squirmed under her steady gaze, feeling like she knew all of my secrets.

"Are you going to tell me the truth, or are you going to keep pretending like there's nothing going on between you and Harry?"

I opened my mouth to speak but wasn't sure what to say, not thinking that I could stand having to deny what I was feeling yet again. "How do you...ummm...what?" I asked, giving up on my lame attempt to form a coherent thought in my distressed state.

Luckily she decided to put me out of my misery. "I've seen the way you two have been looking at each other, okay? Honestly I don't know how everyone hasn't noticed how you guys have been acting around each other. I think it's the first time I've ever actually witnessed real, live heart eyes. So, being the nosy bitch I am I of course asked Harry about it. And let me just tell you that it took an embarrassingly little amount of prodding before he opened the floodgates, and pretty soon I was begging him to stop talking about you."

I perked up at her words, needing to know more about exactly what Harry had told her. "What'd he say?"

"Wow, that's the first time you've looked alive all morning. You've really got it bad, huh? He didn't tell me much, though I think he wanted to. Just a lot of general gushing about you and that you two had gotten a bit closer. One look at his face at your party last night and I could tell that he was heartbroken. To be honest I thought I was going to have to kick your ass, but I can see that you're hurting as well. I don't know exactly what's going on with you lads, and I sure as hell don't have a fuckin' clue what you're doing with Perrie, but I do know that you and Harry need to talk. So let's get you cleaned up and I'll call him and get him in here."

"Can't you call him now? Who cares what I look like?" I asked, wanting to see Harry as soon as humanly possible.

"Whoa Zayn. A) I never, and I mean never, thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth. And B) sometimes you have to put something shiny in the window to get a man in the store. So let's at least brush your hair, okay?"

I let Lou style my hair and give me a quick shave with an electric razor before my impatience won out over my gratitude for her assistance. "Come on Lou, I can't sit here letting you play dress up with me when I could be talking to Harry," I pleaded.

"Okay, okay, I'll call him. Chill." I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and tried to keep from bouncing up and down, desperate to have the chance to talk to Harry. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but she gave me a small smile as she spoke to him, and I felt a surge of hope. After what seemed like hours but was probably only a few minutes she hung up and turned back to me. "Alright, he's headed over here. Just a warning: he doesn't know you're here, and I don't intend to be here when he finds out. Make it right Zayn," she said pointedly as she grabbed her bag and Lux and headed out of the room.

"Thank you Lou," I called to her as I started to pace the room, trying to figure out how to get Harry to forgive me. I heard a knock on the door a minute later, but Lou must have left it cracked because Harry popped his head in before I had a chance to open it.

He stilled when he saw me, his body split by the door. "What are you doing here? Where's Lou?"

"Please, just come in. Give me a chance to explain," I begged as I took a step closer to him.

"Fine," he sighed as he came all the way in and shut the door behind him.

I closed the space between us and put my hands on his cheeks, pulling his forhead against my own. I felt him tense up and try to pull back but I held on tight. "Please Haz, I need to touch you. I can't go another second without holding you and kissing you and showing you how much you mean to me." I hadn't meant to say any of that but it was all true, and I didn't have the strength to hold back anymore. He hadn't pulled away again yet, so I placed a kiss on each of his cheeks before sliding my lips across his jaw and down his neck.

I felt Harry's hands grasp my hips, and I took advantage of his acquiescence, moving my lips to his. He kissed me back for an all too brief moment, before pushing me off of him and taking a step back. "Wait, just wait a minute Zayn. You can't just trick me into coming here and then kiss me. I can't...I can't think when you kiss me like that," he groaned.

"Can I just explain then, if I promise not to kiss you until you say I can?"

"You don't have to explain anything. I talked to Paul after breakfast. He told me everything. How she's basically blackmailing you and threatening to try to ruin both of our lives if you don't do what she wants. I get why you're doing it, I just wish that you didn't feel the need to do it. And you should have told me about it, as soon as you knew."

"I know, I'm so sorry. I should have told you right away, and I should have told her to fuck off in the first place. I still can Harry, if that's what you want," I said, hating myself for the jolt of fear that I felt at the thought of him agreeing. But I knew that even though I was scared that I would find a way to do it if it would make him happy.

"No, it's...it's okay. It's probably not the right time to make everything public. I mean, we haven't even really talked about...us, and what all this means anyway," he told me, looking down at his feet. I felt relieved at his words, but underneath that was disappointment. Disappointment that he was doubting my love still, and disappointment in myself for not being braver, both in expressing my feelings to him and to the world. I needed to take the first step towards being the man that he deserved.

"Harry, I'm so sorry if I've made you doubt for even one second that I want to be with you. You're my everything, and I literally would spend every second of every day with you if you'd let me. I know I've been holding back, but it's just because I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared about everything I'm feeling for you and I'm scared about what people will think and I'm scared about frightening you off once you realize how crazy I am about you, but most of all I am so fucking scared that I might lose you." Harry finally looked up at me, and I couldn't help but reach out to cup his face when I saw that his eyes were watering. "Hazza, will you please go out with me?"

Harry giggled. "Are you asking me to go steady?" he teased, and I was so happy that it seemed like he was at least considering my plea that I knew I had to go all in.

"No, I'm asking you to be mine, and to let me be yours. I'm asking you to be my boyfriend." Harry's mouth dropped open at my use of the word and he immediately pulled me into his arms, wrapping me up in a tight hug. "Is that a yes? Don't keep me in suspense here babe."

"Yes, it's a yes. I'll be your boyfriend, you prick," Harry laughed as he kissed his way across my face before pausing at my bruise. "I'm sorry I hit you; I shouldn't have done that," he whispered as he gently kissed it.

"It's okay, I deserved it," I reassured him, wanting him to return to the laughing, happy Harry he'd been a moment ago.

"No, it's not. I would never have forgiven myself if I'd damaged those killer cheekbones," he joked, reminding me once again how much I loved him.

"Shut up, you," I breathed, covering his mouth with my own. The kiss felt like heaven on earth, and I melted into it, needing more. I pressed my body against his and wrapped my arms around his waist, wanting to hold him as close to me as possible. I started walking backwards, trying to find the bed, but I fell and landed on the floor with Harry on top of me. I looked down at the pile of clothes I had tripped over and realized where we were. "Do you think Lou would mind..." I asked, raising an eyebrow at him and hoping desperately that he wanted me as badly as I wanted him.

Harry laughed and stood up, reaching a hand down to me. "Actually, I think we should probably head to your room. I still need to wish my  _boyfriend_  a happy birthday."


	21. Chapter 21

                                                                                             

I couldn't keep my hands off of Harry on the short walk from Lou's to my room, which probably wasn't the smartest thing since most of our crew was staying on the same floor. At that point I didn't care, too relieved that he was speaking to me let alone allowing me touch him. I put one arm around his shoulder and the other on his heart and held him as close to me as possible, not wanting to let him go even to open the door. Once we were inside I faced him and pulled him towards me until our toes, hips, and noses were all touching.

"Thank you," I breathed, my hands squeezing his waist.

"For what?"

"For being here. For being mine."

"You don't need to sweet talk me baby. I'm a sure thing," Harry said as he slid his hands under my shirt.

I chuckled. "I enjoy sweet talking you. I want to show you how much I care about you."

"Well, I believe I was promised something a little rougher. Didn't you say something along the lines of 'I'm gonna tear that ass up'?" he mimicked in his best Bradford accent. "Besides, I'm still a little pissed off, and this might be just the solution."

I felt my pants tighten as my mind traveled down the path that his was clearly already on. "I think I can help you out with that," I said as I pulled his shirt off and pushed him back against the door. My shirt joined his on the floor before I pressed my body against his fully, sliding my knee in between his legs. I loved the feeling of his bare chest rubbing against mine, and I reached one hand up to tweak his nipple while the other disappeared into his curls. He groaned when I pulled on his hair and I took advantage, slipping my tongue into his mouth.

He kissed me back just as roughly and started to grind his hips into my own. I slid both of my hands down his torso to his hips and then around to his ass. I squeezed it then lifted him up by the back of his thighs before slamming him back against the door once again. "Don't forget who's in charge here," I growled, and I swear I felt him get even harder at my words.

Harry was heavier than I was, and holding him up caused my arm muscles to strain in the most delicious way. I angled my hips so that they were holding some of his weight and I felt him grip my biceps as I thrusted against him, causing his back to hit the door again and again. I kissed him harder, feeling dizzy with want and lust. We'd only started moments before, but it had been too damn long since I'd been able to feel all of him like this, and each movement of my hips against his was bringing me closer to the edge.

I pulled away and set him down on the ground, not wanting this to be over before it really began. I immediately went to work on his belt, and as soon as it was off I opened his jeans and pushed them down around his ankles. He was so fucking hard, but I only let myself to enjoy the view for the few seconds it took me to grab some lube and a condom from my bag and to push my own pants and boxers down. They didn't make it much past my knees, but I was too eager to be inside of him to care.

I waited until I had put the condom on and applied a generous amount of lube to spin him around to face the door, knowing that he would want to watch me get ready for him. Harry leaned forward slightly, resting with both of his arms against the door near his head, and pushed his ass against me. I moved my slick hand to tease him until he was moaning and pushing back against me more firmly.

I slid one finger into him and began to pump it in and out. He groaned in pleasure so I wasted no time in sliding another finger in as well. He was so fucking tight, and the memory of how good he'd felt wrapped around me the last time I was inside of him was enough to make me reach around to stroke him.

"No, not yet. I'm too close. Need you in me first."

I pulled my fingers out and slowly rubbed my dick up and down his entrance. "I don't know Haz. Are you sure you really want me?" I teased.

"Fuck yes. Now Zayn, now," he moaned. That was all the invitation I needed, and I moved into him slowly, not stopping until I bottomed out. I waited for him to adjust before pulling out again sliding back in. Harry began begging me to give it to him harder and faster, so I started to pump into him as quickly and firmly as I could.

"Don't stop, don't ever fucking stop," Harry moaned, his grunts and whispered pleas spurring me on and making me feel more powerful than I ever had before. He felt so fucking good that I thought I might pass out from all of the pleasure I was feeling, and I shut my eyes to intensify the sensation. The tingling in my spine and tightening in my stomach told me that I wasn't going to last long, so I wrapped a hand around him and began jerking him off in time to my thrusts. Harry lasted only a few strokes, coming against the door while babbling incoherently, and I quickly followed suit, spilling into the condom and biting at his shoulder as I rode out my high.

We collapsed onto the floor as soon as I pulled out, both too spent to walk the few feet to the bed. Harry reached a hand up to cup my face as we lied on the floor with our pants still around our ankles, trying to catch our breath. I looked over at him, feeling barely able to keep my eyes open after the restless night and the fighting and now the making up, but loving seeing the way he was looking back at me. His cheeks were flushed a bright red, rivaled only by the dark shade of his full lips, and his skin had a sweaty sheen that only he could make look that sexy. But it was his eyes that held my attention. Their green seemed even brighter than normal, and they were glowing with what looked a lot like love.

"Happy Birthday boyfriend," he breathed as he pulled me in for a kiss. I kissed him back for a moment before sitting up to pull my jeans all the way off. I helped Harry get his off, then stood and pulled him up.

"Want to take a shower with me before round two, boyfriend?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

"What makes you think you're getting a round two?" he scoffed.

"It is my birthday," I reminded him.

"Good point. Race you to the bathroom!" he shouted before pushing me back so that he could get a running start.

We took a quick shower, too eager to get into bed to really enjoy the extravagance the huge stall was offering. Climbing under the clean sheets in the gigantic bed and pulling Harry back against me so that I could spoon him felt like the only luxury I could ever want or need. I hooked a leg over his and an arm around his waist, and he immediately grasped my hand with his and brought it to his lips. I nuzzled my nose into his wet hair for a moment before moving so that my lips were against his ear.

"You know how much you mean to me, right?" I whispered. Harry nodded his head and I kissed him gently on the neck for a minute before moving back to his ear. "I just want you to know that I never want to hurt you again, okay? I never will hurt you again," I promised as I kissed his neck again and slid my hand down his chest and abs and wrapped a hand around him, moaning and pushing against his back more firmly when I felt that he was as turned on as I was.

I wanted so desperately to admit to him what I was feeling; to tell him that I loved him and would do anything for him, but I couldn't get the words out. This was all so new and terrifying, and my feelings for him had grown so quickly and were so far beyond what I had ever felt for anyone else, so far beyond what he could possibly be feeling for me, that the thought of confessing them to him made me feel vulnerable and out of control.

So I settled for showing him how much I cared for him in the gentle rocking of my hips and the soft caresses of my fingers against his skin. We made love slowly, bringing each other to the edge again and again but stopping each time, wanting to stay wrapped up in each other for as long as possible. I whispered into his ear the entire time, telling him how special he was to me and all of the ways I wanted to take care of him. Telling him everything he needed to know except for the three words that I most wanted him to hear, until we couldn't hold back any longer and all I could find the strength to say was his name, over and over again, hoping that he could hear the new meaning that it held for me now. Hoping that it sounded like love to him, as it did to me.


	22. Chapter 22

                                                                                     

I woke up to find that Harry and I had switched positions while sleeping. I was now the little spoon to his big spoon, and I wiggled back against him even more, enjoying the feeling of his breath tickling my neck and how safe and protected I felt wrapped up in his cocoon.

I was surprised at how much comfort I took in the warmth of the body behind me. I could feel his heart beating against my back, strong and steady, and I brought his hand up to rest over my own heart as I thought back on how much had changed for us since our first kiss.

How had he gone from a mate to my everything in just one short month? Part of me felt like we had been together forever, two puzzles pieces that didn't make any sense on their own but fit together perfectly, while the other part of me was still trying to come to grips with the fact that I was feeling this way about a guy.

I wasn't stupid; I knew that I could easily find a girlfriend, someone who would cheer for me from the sidelines at gigs and pose with me on red carpets and be waiting for me when I got home at night. Someone who I could introduce to my family and have 2.5 kids with and live predictably ever after with.

But was that really what I wanted? Was that something that I could even stomach after discovering what being with Harry was like? Was I supposed to give up the warmth of his arms around me and the dizzying sensation of his kisses and the way he could make me laugh harder than anyone else just because he was a man? If being with him was so wrong then why did it feel so goddamn right?

I was startled out of my thoughts when C'mon N' Ride The Train started blaring from my jeans across the room.

"Liam's calling you," Harry murmured from behind me.

"Did you change all of my ringtones?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Mmmhmm," he answered, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Did you use any songs from this century?"

"That's for me to know and you to dot dot dot..." he mumbled, still sounding half asleep.

"I can't wait to hear what song you picked for Perrie," I said as I pulled his arms tighter around me.

"Well you'll be waiting a while, cause I blocked that bitch," Harry said, sounding a little more awake and more than a little pissed off.

I laughed before another thought occurred to me. "How'd you get into my phone anyway? It's password protected."

"Yeah, but not very well. It took me like three tries to figure out that it's your X Factor number. You need to step your game up if you want to thwart me."

I untangled myself from him so that I could turn around and face him. "You know my audition number?" He nodded. "Oh my god, you're obsessed with me, aren't you? Go on, admit it," I yelled as I jumped on top of him and held his arms above his head while peppering his face with kisses.

"Never! I'll never admit it; you'll just have to keep torturing me like this," he said as he tried to move his lips to mine.

I laughed as I sat up, pulling him with me before grasping his cheeks and bringing his face towards mine. I kissed him slowly, sliding my tongue into his mouth as gently as I could, just teasing him really, before pulling away, leaving him wanting more.

Harry groaned. "Okay, fine. I'm obsessed with the one and only Zayn Malik, alright? Though I prefer to think of it as just being a good boyfriend."

I smiled at his use of the word, still unused to how it sounded coming from his lips. I liked knowing that it meant that I was his, that he was claiming me in a way he'd never claimed anyone else.

"Speaking of, what does my boyfriend want to do for the rest of the night? You still have several hours of birthday left."

I didn't have to think twice about my answer, knowing that after the concert tomorrow night we would be back on the road with little time to ourselves. "Is it okay if we just stay right here, in bed, all night? It might be the last time we're alone for a bit."

Harry smiled widely as he shoved me off of him, causing me to fall back against the bed. "That's perfect! We can have a naked day," he declared proudly as he hopped out of bed, suddenly full of energy.

"If we're having a naked day why are you getting dressed?"

"I need to go to my room for a minute. I have something for you," he said, winking at me and buttoning his jeans.

"Oh god, you bought us another porn didn't you?" I asked as I flopped my head back on my pillow and pulled the sheet up to my waist.

Harry just laughed and pulled his shirt on as he opened the door. I heard his gasp before I saw the cause of it, and the sound alone was enough to make me sit up in bed. Liam was standing at the door with one hand raised, ready to knock. He was grinning brightly but his smile faded as he looked from Harry, who only had his shirt halfway on, to me, sitting shirtless in my very messy bed.

"Ummm hi boys, what's going on here?" Liam asked.

I opened my mouth to speak several times but nothing came out, when luckily Harry spoke up. "Oh, I came to apologize to Zayn, for last night, and we ended up watching a movie."

"Okay," Liam responded, sounding anything but believing as he looked pointedly at the telly, which was definitely not on. "Anyways, I'm here to take you out for your birthday. Come on, hop up, Niall's already waiting downstairs."

"I don't know Liam, I was just planning on taking it easy tonight..."

"Nonsense, it's the first time you can legally drink in America. You have to at least have one shot, right Harry?"

I saw Harry hesitate briefly but he quickly rallied. "Right. You have to drink for all us poor souls who aren't old enough to."

"I can't even remember the last time any of us were carded but fine, I'll go for one drink. In the hotel bar though, okay? I don't feel like dealing with a crowd after last night." Liam bounced up and down on the balls of his feet and gave Harry a high five. "Just give me a few minutes and I'll be down."

"No way, you'll never get out of bed if we leave. We'll wait," Liam insisted, leaning against the wall and folding his arms across his chest.

I shot a desperate look at Harry, hoping that he would realize that there was no way that I could explain why I was getting out of bed completely naked to Liam.

"I actually need to get something from my room. Come with me Li, and Zayn we'll be downstairs in five minutes, so you better be there," Harry said.

"Sounds good," I responded as they walked out of the room. I jumped out of bed and quickly got ready, not wanting to give Liam a chance to come back to my room and question me more.

Harry, Liam and Niall were all waiting for me when I got downstairs ten minutes later. "Happy birthday mate!" Niall yelled as he pulled me into a big hug and pounded me on the back. I laughed at his enthusiasm and hugged him back before releasing him so that he could walk ahead of me with Harry towards the hotel bar.

"Yeah, happy birthday bro, and umm, congrats on the engagement," Liam said as he and I brought up the rear.

"You know that's all total bullshit, right?"

"Honestly I wasn't sure at first, but after I read everything Perrie said online I figured it couldn't be true."

"What's it say online?" Harry asked as we all sat down at a table.

"Here, see for yourself. It's quite...amusing. I had no idea you were such a romantic Zayn," Liam teased as he handed Harry his phone. Harry began to read whatever was on the screen as Niall ordered a round of shots. I saw Harry's eyes go wide and I felt a jolt of panic.

He slid his chair a bit closer to me and held out the phone. "Is this true? Did you really get down on one knee and call her the Cinderella to your Prince Charming?" he whispered.

I sputtered out a laugh. "Hell no, did that crazy bitch actually say that?" I asked before seeing Harry's concerned expression. "Harry, I promise you, I never got down on one knee or asked her to marry me. Hell, I haven't said a kind word to her in months. Please believe me."

Harry looked relieved and gave my hand a quick squeeze under the table as he handed Liam's phone back to him. Our shots arrived then and Niall passed them around before raising his to make a toast.

_"May your liquor always be cold,_

_May your women always be hot,_

_May your troubles slide off of you,_

_Slicker than snot!"_

With that we all downed our shots, the bitter liquid making my eyes water.

"Wow, that was some toast Niall. The Irish sure are a classy bunch," Harry said with a laugh.

"You shut your mouth," Niall warned, pointing at Harry before turning to me. "Anyways, happy birthday Zayn. I hope you've had a grand 21st. Though from the sound of it you already got your present," he snickered.

"Huh?" I asked, totally confused.

"Yeah buddy, I came by your room earlier to see if you wanted to go to lunch and you were giving it to somebody good, right against your door. Did Perrie pay you a little birthday visit?"

I saw Liam's head jerk towards mine and I laughed to cover my nervousness. "A gentleman never tells," I hedged, trying to ignore the questioning look Liam was giving me. "Who wants more shots?"

An hour and several drinks later Harry and Niall were playing darts and I was at the bar ordering another round, more to avoid being left alone with Liam than anything else. The alcohol was flowing through me and the drama of the night before was long forgotten.

I couldn't take my eyes off of Harry. Off of my boyfriend. He looked so cute arguing with Niall over who was winning, and I knew that there was no one else that I would rather spend my birthday with. That I would rather spend any day with.

He looked over at me with glassy eyes and his mouth quirked up in a grin. I looked away, not wanting to get caught staring at him for too long. I lasted less than a minute before I found myself peeking at him through my eyelashes, unable to resist the pull I felt towards him even from across the room. Harry noticed my gaze and winked at me, sticking the tip of his tongue out of the corner of his mouth as he did so, causing my heart to flutter and my entire body to feel warm.

I couldn't believe that just a few weeks ago I hadn't known what those lips tasted like, or how his hands felt on my body, or how sexy my name could sound spilling from his lips. If it hadn't been for that damn game of Truth or Dare I might never have known the joy that came from being with someone who knew me inside and out, all my flaws and faults, and who still looked at me like I was perfect.

Thinking back to that first kiss, I realized something that made my stomach clench. It was all Harry. Without him agreeing to that dare and kissing me, nothing may have ever happened between us. I sure as shit would have been too scared to make the first move. Hell, I wasn't even brave enough to make the second or third move. It was Harry that kissed me for the dare, and he kissed me again during the movie. He was the one that showed up at my hotel room and who surprised me at my mum's house. He'd assumed all of the risks while I had reaped all the benefits. And here I was, still being a chickenshit, waiting for Harry to say he loved me before I would admit my feelings. He deserved better.

I took my shot and looked around the room to see that Liam and Niall were now playing and Harry was sitting at the table frowning. "What's the matter babe?" I asked as I sat down next to him.

He looked over at me with huge eyes, sadness shading his features. "I just realized that we've never kissed outside before."

The hurt in his voice broke something inside of me. "Come on," I ordered as I stood and grabbed his hand, not taking no for an answer.

He stumbled after me as I strode towards the door. "Where are we going? What about the boys?"

"Forget about them. We're going outside."

Harry smiled as I pulled him into the lift. He looked so happy at the thought of what we were about to do that it was all I could do not to kiss him right then and there. We stopped on the top floor and I immediately led us to the exit. Two doors and one flight of stairs later and I was opening the door to the roof. I kicked off one of my trainers and used it to wedge the door open before stepping closer to the ledge.

The sky was a bright navy and freckled with stars, the wind was brisk and the air was cold, but his body against mine as I pulled him closer was more than enough to make me feel warm. His eyes were sparkling and all traces of sadness were gone from his handsome face as he leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back for a minute before pulling away and putting my hands on his cheeks.

"Harry, there's something I need to tell you. I need you to know that I've loved this time we've spent together. I didn't expect to fall this hard for you, but I did, and despite all the drama I've never been happier. You're the best person I know, and I feel so goddamn lucky that I'm the one who gets to be with you."

Harry opened his mouth to interrupt me, but I cut him off. "No, you are the best Harry. You're amazing. I wish you could see yourself like I see you for one day, so you could see how fucking beautiful you are. I love your voice and how raspy it is in the morning, I love how tight you hold me in your sleep. I love the way you look at me and I love the way you make me want to be a better man. I love your dimples and your morning breath and your dumb jokes and your tight fucking pants. I love you Harry, so much, and I know that I'll love you even more tomorrow and I didn't want to go another minute without telling you that. I love you."

Harry's lips cut me off when they pressed against my own. The kiss was deep and hungry and so hot that it felt like it should be illegal. I gave myself over to it, pulling him closer and touching every bit of him that I could reach, relishing the feeling of kissing my boyfriend, my love, outside and under the stars.


	23. Chapter 23

                                                                                     

We kissed and kissed until our lips were swollen and our fingertips were frozen and Harry's chin was bright red from my stubble, and then we kissed some more. The small part of my brain that wasn't consumed with how good he felt pressed against me was a little worried that he hadn't said that he loved me too, but it felt so freeing to have my feelings out in the open that I pushed that worry to the back of my mind. Instead I focused on the luxury of being able to kiss him outside, enjoying the way the breeze was blowing his curls against my cheeks and how the moonlight softened his features, making him look like the Harry I had met almost four years ago.

He pulled away first but I followed him with my mouth, not wanting to stop kissing him. He allowed me one, two, three more kisses before he backed away with a laugh and led me by the hand to the door. He bent down to retrieve my trainer and knelt in the doorway to help me slide it on.

"I better tie this for you," he said as he did up my laces. "Wouldn't want you to fall for anyone else."

I smiled and took his hand again. We walked to the room like that, too wrapped up in each other to worry about anyone else seeing us. I felt a burst of shyness as we reached my door, hoping that I hadn't scared him away with my confession. "Ummm, do you want to like...are you staying with me tonight?"

Harry just nodded, suddenly seeming a bit shy himself. I opened the door and stopped just inside it, feeling ridiculously insecure and painfully aware of Harry's silence. "Listen Harry, I'm sorry if I said too much-"

Harry stopped me from saying any more by placing a finger to his lips and beckoning me over to the bed. I walked over and sat a few feet away from him but he wasn't having it. He sat Indian style on the bed and pulled me towards him until we were facing each other with our knees touching. I opened my mouth to speak but he didn't give me the chance. "Nope.  You had your turn. Now I get to talk."

I bowed my head to him, feeling a nervous excitement thrumming through my veins. I wasn't sure what he was about to say, and I could only hope that it was something good. He took both of my hands in his and leaned closer to me, until our faces were only inches apart.

"I know you already got your AmaZayn costume, and while I fully intend on making you try it on for me tonight, first I want you to read this," he said as he reached behind him and pulled out a red envelope with my name on it.

I opened the envelope and pulled out a birthday card with a giant bee on it. My breath hitched in excitement as I noticed his messy handwriting covering much of it, but I forced myself to read the printed message first.

**Happy Birthday To The One Who Makes Me...**

**Dance like a fool**

**Forget how to breathe**

**Shine like gold**

**Buzz like a bee**

**Just the thought of you**

**Can drive me wild**

**Oh, you make me smile**

I smiled up at him in appreciation before looking back down so that I could read what he had written.

_Dear Zayn,_

_The best feeling in the world is kissing someone for the first time when you've really wanted to kiss them for a long time. But with you it was more than that. When we kissed everything else faded away and I realised that I'd never REALLY been kissed before, because you're the only person I should be kissing._ _And it's not because you're a guy (we both know I'd kiss your gramps after I get a few drinks in me), but because it was YOU._ _Kissing you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing that it would be your favourite song ever._ _We kissed and I wanted to laugh because I was so happy to FINALLY be kissing you, but I also wanted to cry because I was so scared that I might never be able to kiss you again._

_I thought about kissing you today, and yesterday, and the day before that, and I know that I'll think about kissing you tomorrow, and the day after that, and some more days after those days. I want to kiss every inch of your body, only you, not anyone else, just you, because my heart and I agree that you're the only one for me. I can't imagine my life without you Zayn. And you and I both know that I have a very active imagination, so I should totally be able to do it, but I can't. So I'm keeping you, whether you like it or not._

_What I'm trying to say is that I love you. I love you because you look at me and see past the Harry that everyone else sees. You see the dark and broken parts of me and you make me feel less dark and broken. I love you because you let me see past the Zayn that everyone else sees. You let me see the goofy Zayn who giggles like a little girl at my jokes and who holds my hand in his sleep and who stares at pictures of us on his phone when he thinks I'm not looking. The Zayn who never laughs at me when I fall down and who lets me braid his hair and who always knows how to make me smile. The Zayn who likes to read the classics just as much as comic books and who is a little bit insecure but is absolutely perfect to me._

_So happy birthday to the gorgeous, goofy, incredible, sometimes quite crazy but always adorable man that I love._

_Yours,_

_Harry_

My heart felt like it was going to burst as I read the card and I couldn't remember ever feeling happier. I didn't think it would even be possible to feel happier than I did right then, but I was proven wrong when Harry took my hands in his and pulled me closer and whispered the words that I had been longing to hear. 

"I love you Zayn." I could feel his breath against my lips and I swear it, combined with those magic words, made me feel drunk and dizzy and  _alive_. I could feel the blood rushing in my ears and the electricity coursing between us and I wanted to dance and cry and laugh and kiss the hell out of him. So I did. I crawled right up on his lap and wrapped my arms around him and brought my lips to his and I kissed the hell out of him. I put everything I had into it, and by the time I pulled away I was breathless and hard and even more in love with him than I had been a few minutes before. _  
_

"Say it again," I breathed.

"I love you Zee.  I think I always have."

I wasn't sure if I had ever smiled more brightly. My cheeks were hurting with the sheer force of it, but I couldn't stop. "I love you too Harry. But I can't believe you wrote that you wanted to kiss every inch of my body on a card with a picture of a bumblebee on it," I laughed.

"I wanted it to be romantic," was his only defense, making me laugh even harder. "I actually have something else for you. You know how I was in the studio yesterday morning? Well, I was recording a new song. A song that I wrote for you."

Would Harry ever cease to amaze me? Every time that I thought that he couldn't possibly get any better I was proven wrong. "You wrote a song for me? Can I hear it?" Harry nodded and pulled out his phone, and after pressing a few buttons I heard the soft sound of an acoustic guitar.

"Zayn? I'm kind of nervous about this, so...can you kiss me while we listen to it?" he asked. I nodded and touched his lips with mine just as I heard his deep, gravelly voice floating up from the speaker.

_I got a heart_   
_And I got a soul_   
_Believe me I will use them both_   
_We made a start_   
_Be it a false one, I know_   
_Baby, I don’t want to feel alone_   
  
_So kiss me where I lay down_   
_My hands press to your cheeks_   
_A long way from the playground_   
  
_I have loved you since we were 18_   
_Long before we both thought the same thing_   
_To be loved and to be in love_   
_All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you_   
_I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18_   
  
_We took a chance_   
_God knows we tried_   
_Yet all along, I knew we’d be fine_   
  
_So pour me a drink, oh, love,_   
_Let’s split the night wide open and we’ll see everything_   
_We can live in love in slow motion, motion, motion_   
  
_So kiss me where I lay down_   
_My hands press to your cheeks_   
_A long way from the playground_   
  
_I have loved you since we were 18_   
_Long before we both thought the same thing_   
_To be loved and to be in love_   
_And all I could do is say that these arms are made for holding you, oh_   
_And I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18_   
  
_When we were 18_   
_Oh, Lord, when we were 18_   
  
_Kiss me where I lay down_   
_My hands press to your cheeks_   
_A long way from the playground_   
  
_I have loved you since we were 18_   
_Long before we both thought the same thing_   
  
_To be loved and to be in love_   
_And all I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you_   
_I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18_   
_I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18_   
_I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18_

I had stopped kissing Harry before the first chorus, too overwhelmed by the words that he was singing. Singing for me and about me. About us. I barely noticed Harry removing my clothes and climbing on top of me, but when he kissed down my chest and wrapped his lips around me I was snapped back to reality. Back to a reality that was better than any of my dreams. As I felt Harry slide me in and out of his mouth again and again and I heard his raspy voice and sweet words filling the room and I saw the way that he was looking up at me with equal parts love and lust and I felt the heat coiling in my stomach and my shoulders arched off of the bed and I spilled into his mouth I knew that this was where I truly belonged. Here, with Harry, yesterday, tomorrow, and forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is 18, written by Ed Sheeran. I love it and I'm sure you do too.


	24. Chapter 24

                                                                                    

We were both exhausted, but we stayed up all night, enjoying the last few hours of alone time that we were going to have for a while. Harry wouldn't sit still and pestered me until I tried on the costume he'd had made for me. It was skintight and I felt like the biggest nerd ever in it, but the way he looked me up and down while biting his lip made it all worth it. That is until I ordered room service and Harry insisted that I answer the door wearing it. He stood to the side giggling like an idiot as the bellhop pushed the cart in and struggled to keep a straight face. I could just picture how the Internet would react if she somehow got a picture of me in this ridiculous getup, and I sighed to myself, wondering if there was anything I wouldn't do for this silly boy that owned my heart.

After I tipped her I turned to Harry, who was now looking more concerned than amused.

"Shit, we left the boys with the tab at the bar."

"I think they'll survive. Besides, I need to save my money for the massive tip I'm going to have to leave the maid. Poor thing had to clean up that mess you left on the door." Harry found this hysterical and spent several minutes laughing like a loon before suddenly switching gears and declaring that if I was going to be AmaZayn all night, then he needed to be "Naked Boy" and promptly beginning to strip.

"At least do a little dance for me if you're removing your clothes anyway," I insisted as I leaned back against the headboard and watched him start to undo his jeans. He grinned mischievously and did a little twirl before bending over and shaking his ass until his pants fell down. He barely managed to stay standing as he kicked them off and I bit back a laugh. He recovered nicely though, swaying his hips to a beat that only he could hear as he strutted towards me, pulling his shirt off and tossing it on the bed, along with his watch and bracelets.

He was soon standing before me in all his naked glory, wearing only his necklaces and shimmying his shoulders and wiggling his hips. He finished up by posing with one foot in front of the other and his chin resting on his fist, somehow managing to look utterly absurd and absolutely irresistible at the same time. I was torn between wanting to laugh at him and wanting to snog him, so I went with a combination of the two.

"Get over here Curly," I demanded as I pulled him down onto the bed. "How'd I end up falling for the biggest dork on the planet?" I asked with a laugh, positioning him between my legs and kissing down the side of his throat.

"Just lucky I guess," he murmured as he moved his neck to the side to give me more room and reached for the remote. We ended up watching a string of movies that I didn't pay any attention to, too focused on the giant manchild between my legs. I couldn't keep up with him and I couldn't get enough of him and I didn't want to ever let him go. He captivated me in every sense of the word. I had never met someone who was so vibrant, and while his declaration of love had quieted some of my worries I couldn't help but think that he was out of my league. If people were cars then I was beater and he was a Jaguar. If we were colors then I was gray and he was neon yellow, brighter than the sun.

I ignored these nagging thoughts and pulled him closer. He winced a bit at the movement, and I was reminded of his bad back. "You okay babe? Want me to give you a massage?"

Harry didn't say anything, just flopped down sideways on his stomach, obviously okay with the idea. I grabbed some lotion from the nightstand and straddled him, squirting a dollop onto his back. I began to rub it into his skin, enjoying the way the cold cream disappeared into his hot skin. His muscles were strong and hard underneath my hands and he was purring like a cat, making it feel like he was vibrating. I massaged him for several minutes, inching closer and closer to his hips and trying to resist the urge to flip him over so that I could touch more of him.

Luckily Harry seemed to be thinking the same thing. "You know, my front's pretty sore too. I think it could use some attention," he mumbled with his eyes still closed. I climbed off of him so that he could roll over and was rewarded with the sight of him, his cock hard and his mouth quirked up in a smile. I straddled him again, my tight spandex costume allowing me to feel every inch of him.

"Looks like Naked Boy likes my massage skills."

"Oh, Naked Boy loves the way AmaZayn's hands feel on him. Like, a lot."

I spread the lotion on his chest in a compulsory manner, eager to get to the good bits. I slid back farther on his legs and rubbed his hips as I licked him like he was an ice cream cone. He whimpered as I swirled my tongue around his tip and took his head into my mouth. I could already taste him, musky and perfect on my tongue, and I wanted more. I wanted him to fill my mouth just like he had already filled my heart, so I sucked him harder. I took all of him in, not stopping until I felt him at the back of my throat. He bucked up into my mouth and I moaned around him and moved faster. Between my tongue and my mouth and my hands I had him coming in minutes. He shouted my name and how much he loved me as he came, filling both my mouth and my soul in a way that I knew only Harry would be able to.

***

The next few days were spent trying to adjust to being back on the road. The performances had all gone well, and swear that I'd never identified with all of our love songs as much as I did now that I knew what it was like to feel that way about someone. But it was hard being back at work, unable to be alone with Harry or to hold him close when we were always surrounded.

We did our best to show each other affection in whatever little ways we could think of. Whenever we had to go through crowds I made sure to walk near him, knowing that I could use the excuse of staying together as a reason to grasp his hips or hold his hand as we walked. We both seemed to be taking advantage of whatever excuses we could think of to touch each other. I had downloaded tons of songs that reminded me of Harry, and during the long hours on the bus I would pat the seat next to me and casually ask him to listen to them. He'd sit down next to me, extra close so that we could share my earbuds, and I'd sneak peeks at him to see his reactions whenever I thought the other guys weren't paying attention. He'd hum in appreciation and rest his head against mine, a silent signal that he was thinking about me as much as I was thinking about him.

We'd been on the road for almost a week before I was able to spend any real quality time with him. I had just finished up in the mobile studio when he texted me.

 ** _HARRY:_**   _Come back to the bus. NOW_

I hurried back as quickly as I could, worried that something was wrong. The front of the bus was empty and I found Harry sitting in his bunk in only his boxers, already hard and looking incredibly hot.

"We have to hurry but we should have some time alone. Louis and Niall are working out and Liam just went out for dinner."

I didn't need to be told twice, and I pulled off my shirt and unbuckled my belt as fast as I could. I leaned towards Harry for a kiss as I pulled his boxers to the floor.

"You have no idea how bad I need this. How bad I need you," I said, reaching down to stroke him.

Harry handed me a condom before squirting some lube onto his hand. I slid it on as I watched him slide his fingers inside, tossing his head back and opening himself up for me.

"Holy fuck, that's the hottest thing I've ever seen," I groaned, pushing his fingers aside before I came just from watching the obscene act.

I pushed my jeans down further, dropped to my knees, and grabbed Harry's thighs to pull him to the edge of the bed. He wrapped his legs around my waist as I pushed into him. He felt as amazing as he always did and I wondered if I'd ever get used to how fucking tight he was. I started to slide in and out slowly but Harry bucked his hips upwards, urging me to go faster.

"Harder Zee, we don't have much time."

If he wanted it harder, I was going to give it to him harder. I brought one of his legs up so that it was resting on my shoulder and his eyes rolled back in his head at the sensation. I gripped his hip firmly as I slammed into him, wanting to be able to see my fingerprints on him later as proof that he was mine. Harry started to babble incoherently, and I covered his mouth with my other hand, worried that the security guard outside might hear. I increased my pace as I felt him tightening around me, causing his muffled moans to become even louder. I gave up on keeping him quiet and slid my hand down his chest, stopping to pinch his nipple. He felt so good and looked so hot and sounded so sexy that I knew I only had a few strokes left in me. But before I could wrap my hand around Harry he let out a loud moan and his whole body jerked as he came on his chest and stomach. The sight was so fucking hot that I came immediately, my eyes tearing up with the force of it.

I pulled out of him and collapsed on the floor. "Holy shit, did you just come untouched?" I asked in awe.

"Untouched," he replied with a lazy grin. "That's how good you are." I felt pride flood my whole body, glowing with the knowledge that I could satisfy him with my dick alone.

"I love you Hazza."

"I love you too babe, so much." We sat there for a few more minutes, staring at each other like the lovesick dopes that we had become. I scooted closer so that I could kiss him, but as soon as I slid my tongue into his mouth I heard a noise from the front of the bus. I jumped up, trying to pull my pants up, not even bothering to remove the condom first. Harry looked at me with terrified eyes as he struggled to grab his boxers from the floor and pull them on while still sprawled on his bunk.

I heard someone say Harry's name and I knew that he wouldn't have time to get dressed, so I pushed his legs onto his bed and slid the curtain shut before trying to jump up on my bunk with my jeans still unbuckled. I only made it halfway up before I heard someone behind me.

"What's going on in here?"


	25. Chapter 25

                                                                                    

"What's going on in here?" Liam asked as he looked from me to Harry's bunk.

I cursed in frustration and dropped back to the floor, avoiding Liam's gaze and reaching down to grab my shirt.

"Hey Li, what's up?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant and wondering if there was any way to inconspicuously button my pants.

"Zayn, what's going on?" he pressed.

"Nothing," I said with a shrug, taking a step in front of the curtain blocking Harry's bed, somehow hoping that I could intercept the accusations I knew were coming.

"I'm not an idiot Zayn. I know that Harry's in his bunk. And I know something's going on with you two.  You can come out now Harry."

Harry popped his head out immediately, and the fucker had the nerve to look like he thought the whole situation was funny. He opened the curtain and swung his legs over the edge, and I could tell that he was biting his lip to keep from laughing. He was still shirtless, but luckily he had put his pants on.

Liam gaped at us for a moment before seeming to recover. "Are you two like...together?  _Together together_?" he asked, a look of disbelief clouding his face. "Is  _Harry_  the one Niall heard you with yesterday?"

My face felt like it was on fire and my hands had started to shake from nerves. I honestly didn't know where to begin, which I think Liam could tell because he turned his attention to Harry.

"Harry, tell me what's going on," he urged, using his firm "Daddy" voice.

"Probably exactly what you think is going on," he answered with a shrug.

"I don't like it," Liam responded, and as much as I'd like to say that it didn't hurt, I'd be lying if I did. Liam was one of my best mates, and I didn't want him to think badly of me. He must have seen our appalled expressions, because he quickly amended his statement. "Not because you're both guys, though that will take some getting used to, but because of the band. It's a bad idea, just like it would be a bad idea for one of you to date Lou or Caroline. Hell, it's a bloody bad idea for Zayn to date Perrie now that she's on the tour, but that ship's already sailed."

I had been torn between fear at him discovering our secret and anger over being interrogated, but his affronted reaction pushed the scales over to anger completely.  

"Well, that's too fucking bad, because this ship's already sailed too," I said as I pulled Harry up and put my arm around him, holding him close. He leaned into my touch, making the ground feel a bit steadier under my feet.

"You don't have to be thrilled about it, but you have to accept it. I'm with Zayn now, and I've never been happier. I love him," Harry said as he locked his arms around my waist. Despite the tense situation my body trilled at his words, ecstatic to hear him announce his feelings towards me to someone else.

 "I don't know guys. Does management know about this?"

"They know enough," I insisted, not even wanting to consider the consequences of Modest finding out about what we had just been caught doing.

"Can't you just be happy for us?" Harry pleaded.

"I'm sorry Hazza. You guys know I love you no matter what. Just give me some time to wrap my head around this, alright? I mean, I've caught you both with girls plenty of times, but it's not everyday you walk in on two of your best mates practically shagging."

I felt the heat in my cheeks spread to my ears and turned my back to Liam, too embarrassed to face him. I buried my face in Harry's neck, taking comfort in the fact that he smelled like apricots and soap and maybe even a hint of me.

"What about Niall and Louis? Do they know about...this?" 

I spun around quickly and spoke without thinking. "No, and please don't tell them," I blurted.

Harry took a step away from me and turned his body to face me head on. "Why the hell not?" he asked, obviously pissed off.

"Cause it's none of their business. It's between us Harry," I said as I tried to pull him closer.

"What's the harm in telling them? If Liam already knows and we're boyfriends, for real, shouldn't they know?" His voice got louder and louder with each word, and I backed away from him, my anger rising just as fast as his was.

"Like I said, it's none of their fucking business," I said, speaking slowly so that I could get through to him. "This is about you and me and nobody else. Why do you feel like I need to share my feelings with the whole goddamn world before you'll believe that I love you?"

"Maybe because it's not fair to keep making me feel like your dirty little secret!" Harry yelled before storming out of the room. I didn't dare look at Liam until after I heard the door to the bus close. He was looking like he'd rather be anywhere else than in the middle of this particular lovers' quarrel, and I didn't blame him one damn bit.

"I'm not saying a word," he said, backing up with his hands raised in surrender.

I groaned and climbed into my bunk, closing the curtain and doing my best to shut out the world, which had evidently turned against me.

***

Things got even more tense after that. I don't know if Liam said something to management or if it was just inevitable, but some genius got the bright fucking idea that Perrie and I needed to be seen together more. Harry was still mad at me for asking Liam not to tell the anyone about us, and the additional time that I was forced to spend with Perrie was not improving his mood.

Caroline texted me the next day, asking me to come to the arena. When I arrived I was informed that I was scheduled for an impromptu photo shoot. Perrie was there as well, and we were dressed in outfit after outfit and forced to pose for pictures in each one of them. They even changed our hair and Perrie's makeup between each shot, wanting to make it look like the pictures were taken on different days.  

It made me sick to play the happy fiancé role with her, but I did my best to suck it up, slinging my arms around her and smiling like a champ. But the whole time all I could think about was Harry. About how pissed off he must be that I was spending the day with my ex/pretend future wife. About how much I'd rather it be him that I was holding close, and about how he'd feel when he saw these pictures online, day after day.

Perrie acted like this whole situation wasn't a giant sham the entire time, smiling and laughing and staying by my side even when the cameras weren't around. I couldn't understand why until the other members of Little Mix stopped by.

They all gave me big hugs and congratulated me on the engagement, for which I had no response. I just turned to Perrie with a questioning look in my eye, but she ignored me and shooed them away as soon as possible. She didn't say anything after they had left, and it soon dawned on me why.

"Oh my god, you haven't told them, have you?"

"No," was her only response.

"Why the fuck not?" I asked, wanting to make her feel bad for lying to her best friends but knowing that I was guilty of the same thing.

Perrie must have been thinking along the same lines. "Get off your high horse Zayn. You're keeping an awful lot of secrets yourself these days. Besides, we don't know how things are going to turn out," she said indignantly, her voice get quieter on her last sentence.

I couldn't believe my ears and I really didn't want to stick around to hear more of her delusions of this "engagement" turning into something real "Hey, I like, got things to do, so I'm outta here," I shouted to Caroline as I headed out the door, wanting to get as far away from Perrie as possible.

Harry was the only one still awake when I got back to the bus. I tried to sit down next to him on the sofa, but he immediately moved to an armchair on the other side of the room.

"Please talk to me," I begged.  

He didn't respond, so I decided to take a page out of the Harry Styles handbook and started sending him text after text, telling him little jokes to try to make him laugh and letting him know how much he meant to me to try to make him forgive me.

_**ZAYN:**  Did you sit on a pile of sugar? Cause you have a sweet ass._

It pained me to be this cheesy, but I was desperate to see him smile. I watched Harry pull his phone out of his pocket and I could tell that he was trying his hardest not to look at me, so I tried again.

_**ZAYN:** Me without you is like a sneaker without laces, a Niall without braces and asentencewithoutspaces._

Harry rolled his eyes as he read my texts, trying not to smile down at his phone, so I decided to take the sappy route that I had recently become so acquainted with in order to push him over the edge.

_**ZAYN:**  If you knew how many times an hour I thought about you, I'd be thoroughly embarrassed. Talking to you is my favourite part of the day, so please forgive me baby. It's only been a few hours, but I already miss hearing your sexy voice <3   
_

Harry was biting his lip and it seemed like he wanted to smile. But he was also intent on proving to me that he was still mad so I guess he thought that he should respond as meanly as he could.  Fortunately for me, "mean" for Harry is still pretty damn nice.

**_HARRY:_ ** _Talking to you is my favourite part of the day too. Aside from when I'm sleeping. Or when I'm eating. I guess talking to you is actually my 3rd favourite part of the day. So there_

I looked up at him after I read the message to see him sticking his tongue out at me. I grinned, knowing that he must be on the verge of forgiving me.

_**ZAYN:** If you're gonna keep being cute like that then I'm gonna have to kiss you. Sorry, but I don't make the rules..._

Harry had looked away from me again, crossing his legs and staring at his phone like it was his lifeline.

_**ZAYN:** Seriously, let's make out._

He shifted in his seat and raised his eyebrows, but still didn't seem ready to talk to me.

_**ZAYN:** I mean it, push me up against the wall and kiss the fuck out of me.  _

Harry stood up with a huff before storming to the back of the bus. I swore to myself and dropped my head to my lap, hating that my cowardice had led to him being so upset.  Why did everything have to be so goddamn difficult?

I decided to give up for the night and headed to my own bunk, but lying just a few feet above him knowing that he was mad at me was like torture. I tossed and turned for a few minutes but gave up on sleep ridiculously fast, wanting one thing and one thing only: Harry, happy and holding me close. I hopped out of bed and pulled my curtain shut behind me before opening the one below me. Harry was facing away from me, and I climbed in behind him, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him close.

I heard him grumble a bit but he didn't pull away, so I pushed his shoulder down so that I could see his face. Once he was on his back I looked him up and down and felt a blip of joy when I noticed that he was wearing one of my t-shirts, just as I was wearing one of his. I leaned forward to nuzzle his cheek and took a moment to appreciate the feel of him against my body as I gathered my thoughts.

"I'm so sorry babe. You're not my dirty little secret and you never will be. We can tell the boys if you want to. For real, I'll do anything you want love. Just please don't be mad at me anymore. I can't take it. Not for another minute."

He didn't say anything but I heard him sigh before he turned to me and gave me a sweet, chaste kiss. I took that as a win but resisted the urge to turn it into more. It was enough just to hold him tight, all night, with the boys just a few feet away but the only person that really mattered nestled next to me, right where he belonged.


	26. Chapter 26

                                                                                    

As the tour went on my days seemed to become an odd mix of highs and lows. The concerts were incredible as always, and the rush I felt when performing for thousands of screaming fans was better than any high I could get from a drug. But after the shows our meet and greets had been combined with Little Mix's, which meant that Harry, Perrie and I were all stuck in the same room for way too long.

The tension between Perrie and I was rivaled only by the tension between Perrie and Harry, and the fact the the fans always wanted pictures of her and I together and tended to ask a shitload of questions about our wedding plans just made everything a million times worse. I swear Perrie was trying to goad him, because she couldn't seem to keep her hands off of me whenever he was nearby. Some nights I thought that Harry wanted to physically rip her away from me, and I'm sure the fans were all wondering why he looked so pissed off in their pictures.

Generally it would take a combination of profuse apologies, flowery compliments and gratuitous cuddles to get Harry to stop grumbling about her and the situation she'd put us in. He was still jealous of the fact that the world thought I was in love with her and not him, and I couldn't blame him one bit.

I myself felt like I was going crazy, and I was convinced that the root of my madness was love. It was like I was so wildly attracted to him and so madly in love with him that I was losing my fucking mind. Like love had crawled into my head and was messing with my brain, jumbling up my neurons and scrambling my priorities. All of the things I thought I knew about myself had flown out the window when love flew in, and now I felt out of control in ways I never had before. I'd never really put anyone else's wants and feelings above my own, but suddenly Harry's happiness had become more important than anything else, and truthfully it was kind of exhausting to always be worried about how my actions would affect him.

So much so that sometimes I actually wondered why everyone thought that being in love was so fucking fantastic. What was so great about the sick feeling I'd get in the pit of my stomach every time I saw Harry talking to a cute girl or even to Louis? Did everyone feel panicky when they had been away from the object of their affection for more than a few hours like I did? Was it normal for all of my thoughts to be consumed with him, or to want to spend every second by his side? How did all of the millions of couples in the world get anything done when all they could focus on was their love?

Plus part of me was terrified by how happy Harry made me. It wasn't like I'd been miserable before, far from it really, but now that I had experienced this new level of joy I worried constantly about how far I might plummet if the source of it was taken away from me. I was basically giving Harry the power to truly hurt me, and while I trusted him, it was hard for me to put myself in such a vulnerable position. The fact that I felt like, without Harry, tomorrow wouldn't be worth the wait and yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering scared the shit out of me. I knew that thinking this way made me sound like a goddamn walking greeting card, and I prayed that no one would ever find out how ridiculous I'd become.

Despite my slow spiral into insanity, all it took was one secret smile or whispered "I love you" from Harry for all the jumbled neurons and stomach aches and jealousy and worries to be worth it. Just the sound of his laugh, my god his laugh, was enough to refill all that seemed to spill from me when we were apart. I craved his laughs and touches and love like I craved oxygen, not realizing how much I needed them until I was deprived of them. The truth was that he was my world, and I loved him, from the top of head down to his toes.

We'd made a habit out of crawling into each other's beds whenever we thought we could get away with it. Not to have sex, though the temptation was there, but just to snuggle and talk. Our conversations seemed to carry more weight when they were whispered within the confines of our bunk beds, the fact that I could feel Harry's words in the form of his breath tickling my face making them resonate with me more than they might have otherwise. We stayed up as late as we could, sharing secrets and kisses and hopes and jokes until we were lulled to sleep by the motion of the bus and the sound of each other's breathing.

One night I asked him something I'd been thinking about for a while.

"If we weren't famous for one day, what would you want to do?"

"You mean if we just two devastatingly handsome blokes in England, with no fans or paps or managers to worry about?" I nodded. "Mmmm, that's a good question. I need to have a think on it. What would you want to do?

"I'd want to spend the whole day outside, walking around whatever town we were in holding hands so that I could show you off to everyone. We'd eat at an outdoor cafe and feed each other, and no one would be trying to take our picture or get an autograph, so I could just focus on you and nobody else. And then we'd go to a carnival and ride the Ferris wheel and make out when we got to the top." I told him, watching his eyes light up as I spoke.

"Oh, and we could wear matching shirts that say  _I Love My Boyfriend_  and share a funnel cake and I'd put powder sugar on your nose and then kiss it away," he chimed in.

"And I'd spend all my money trying to win you one of those giant teddy bears..."

"Which I, of course, would make you carry around for the rest of the night..."

"Of course," I agreed. "And then we could go to an outdoor concert and slow dance under the stars..."

"And I'd kiss you..." he breathed, running a finger over my lips.

"Right in front of everyone, not caring who could see us..."

"Wanting them to see us, so that they'd know you were mine," he finished.

We were quiet after that, and I think we were both picturing all of the little, everyday things that we were unable to take for granted because of who we were. I didn't know if we'd ever actually be able to make the date we'd just imagined happen, at least not without buying out the entire park for the day, which kind of defeated the purpose, but I took comfort in the fact that we both wanted the same thing so much that we could finish each other's sentences about it. I cuddled him closer so that his heart was against my chest, and I could feel his lips pressed to my neck as I drifted off, dreaming about Ferris wheels and funnel cakes and stuffed animals and slow dancing.


	27. Chapter 27

                                                                               

Getting interviewed had been really stressful for me when we'd first started out, since I was intent on trying to sound cool and doing anything to avoid embarrassing myself. But after doing them in almost every city we performed in, they'd just become a hassle. The interviewers all seemed to ask the same boring questions, and I'm sure that most of our fans already knew what our answers would be anyway. Sometimes I thought the fans knew more about me than I did myself.

But since things had started up with Harry I'd noticed that some of my answers were surprising even to me. When I was asked for approximately the 1,248,551st time what my favorite color was, I answered green without thinking, though I had always said blue before. I knew what had prompted the change since an image of Harry's eyes had popped into my head as soon as the question was asked, and I could honestly say that because of them green was now my favorite color. I saw that Harry noted my new answer as well, and I surely didn't miss it when he stated that his favorite color was now caramel.

My answer to what my perfect date would be had changed as well. Staying at home, playing video games and cuddling in the snow had replaced my standard dinner and a movie response, which never failed to make Harry smile. He'd started mentioning how much he would love to take his special someone to a carnival, and he'd stare right at me each time he said it, not caring who was watching.

Harry found other ways to make interviews more interesting as well. He must have liked receiving texts from me as much as I liked getting them from him, because he'd decided that we should have a contest to see who could send the best messages to elicit a laugh during interviews. I wasn't sure how we were supposed to determine who the winner was, but every time my phone vibrated with a message from him a smile spread across my face and my heart did a little jump, so I wasn't complaining.

Whenever the camera cut away from me I would peek at my phone, hidden in my lap, and I would often have to bite my lip to hold back a laugh. Sometimes they were just too good though, and I'd laugh out loud, causing everyone to look at me. I didn't even care if they thought I was crazy, my competitive nature driving me to try to make him laugh just as hard.

**_HARRY:_ ** _Can I borrow your dick tonight? I need to club some baby seals with it_

**_HARRY:_ ** _You know, cause it's so BIG :-D_

**_ZAYN:_ ** _It's so big that it graduated sixth form a year ahead of me_ _  
_

**_HARRY:_ ** _It's so big that cinemas now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and Zayn's Dick_

_**ZAYN:** Bradford was going to build a statue of it, but they ran out of cement  
_

Sometimes his messages weren't funny but sweet instead, telling me how much he loved me or making future plans for us, though he rarely stayed serious for long.

_**HARRY:** Next time we're in England, I want to take you to Holmes Chapel. I can show you all around town so that you'll become a part of all the memories I have of home. Then I'll teach you how to drive on the back country roads._

**_ZAYN:_ ** _I'll only let you teach me if you'll call me Captain whenever I'm in the driver's seat, and I'll call you my First Mate_

**_HARRY:_ ** _Will there be costumes involved? Cause if so, I'm in Captain ;-)_

And just like that, I was interrupting another interview with laughter, and loving that cheeky bastard even more than I had before.

***

The staged photos of me and Perrie had been leaking every day, and they actually did a pretty good job of making it look like they were taken at different times and places. I'd avoided looking at them for the most part, and I tried to get Harry to do the same, though I'd caught him perusing gossip sites for them more than once. At those times it became my mission to distract him, and I'd enlist the other boys to help. Of course they, with the exception of Liam, had no idea why he needed cheering up, but they were happy for any activity that made the long hours on the bus go by more quickly.

So we'd take turns hiding his phone from him before making him join us for truly terrible dance offs and slightly less terrible beat boxing contests. Or we'd all play video games or cards, anything to make the time pass really. I often started play fighting with Harry, just so I'd have an excuse to tackle him and hold him close. He'd give it to me just as good as I gave it to him, and I relished the feeling of him holding me down, feeling the full weight of his body press against me and his breath against the back of my neck. In fact I loved it, far more than I ever thought I would, and it would inevitably send my mind racing off on dangerous tangents, with Liam's disapproving stare the only thing keeping my imagination from totally running wild.

It seemed that he had kept his promise to not tell the other boys, and Harry and I hadn't discussed whether or not to tell them again. I was still prepared to do it if Harry wanted to, but he hadn't brought it up so I thought it was best to avoid the subject for now. I'd assumed that he hadn't insisted upon it yet because maybe, like me, he found that keeping our secret was a bit exciting. I could have done without the nerves that accompanied every stolen kiss, but our sneaky shags and frantic fucks whenever we had some time alone were undeniably hot.

But eventually I began to suspect that maybe Harry hadn't mentioned telling them again because he already had. Niall still seemed oblivious, but I noticed that Louis was sending me more and more dirty looks, along with dropping little snide remarks that seemed to hint at mine and Harry's relationship. I swear he made a fucking Zarry comment every day, but I wasn't sure how much he knew until one day shortly before Harry's 20th birthday.

Louis, Harry and I were all working out, me doing my best not to stare too obviously at Harry's frame, though the fact that he was shirtless and I could see little love bites I'd left on his back was making it damn near impossible to look away. That is until Louis turned off the hip hop we had been listening to and started playing Let's Get It On.

"Ummm, this isn't really a good song to workout to Lou..." Harry said as he quickly walked over to the iPod deck.

"Yeah, but I heard it's Zayn's new favorite. Isn't that right Zayn?"

I just stared at him, frozen in place and unsure of what to say, while Harry put his head in his hands. "Louis, just because I tell you things doesn't mean you're allowed to know them," he groaned.

"I just can't do it anymore Haz. I can't just stand here and watch you fall for him when he doesn't give a fuck about you."

His words made me see red, and before I knew it I was standing right in front of him. "Don't you dare fucking talk like you know what's going on between Harry and me. You know nothing," I spit, clenching my fists to keep from slamming him against the wall.

"Fuck you Zayn, I know more than you think. Harry told me what he thinks has been going on, but I know the real you. You cheated on Perrie and now you're using her to improve your image, no matter how badly it hurts Harry. I know you don't really love him; it's all a big fucking game to you. Let's see how many people I can can make fall in love with the great and powerful Zayn Malik," he said in a shitty imitation of my accent. "You're going to dump him as soon as it suits you cause you don't really love him at all. You don't love anyone but yourself."

I was on top of him before he even finished speaking, pinning him to the ground and connecting my fist to his face. My hand stung with the impact, but too much adrenaline was coursing through me for it to really register. I grabbed his collar and slammed his back onto the ground and punched him again before I felt security pulling me off of him. I tried to struggle away from them but they held onto me, dragging me from the room. The last thing I saw before they pushed me through the door was Harry's face, bright red and covered in tears.


	28. Chapter 28

                                                                              

Security let go of me as soon as we got outside. I could hear one of them on the phone as they led me to one of the tour buses for the crew. When we got to it Paul was waiting outside, not looking too pleased.

He led me inside the bus and once we were alone he took a seat across from me and let out a deep breath. "Zayn, this is the second fight you've been in with one of your band mates in just a matter of weeks. We let the fight with Harry slide because you seemed to patch things up pretty quickly, but this can't keep happening. We have a show tonight and from the sound of it Louis is pretty banged up. What's going on with you? Is this about whatever is happening between you and Harry?"

"He started it Paul! He said horrible things, about me and Harry both," I insisted, hating how childish I sounded.

"Listen, I know you're...going through some stuff right now, but this type of behavior is unacceptable. All five of you boys are under contract for a minimum of 18 more months. That means that everyone's number one priority has to be the group. You know I don't want to dictate what you do in your personal life, but if this keeps up I'm not going to have a choice. Modest is all ready to step in and do whatever it takes to keep you and Harry apart, and this kind of shit just adds fuel to the fire."

"I'm sorry, I really am. I promise I didn't set out to hit him. He just started running his mouth about things that are very important to me and I lost it. He was the one provoking me. I swear the bastard wants management to have to step in."

"I'll be talking to him too, but it really doesn't matter who started it. This needs to end, now."

"What do you mean by 'this'?" I asked, hoping that he wasn't ordering me to break things off with Harry.

"I mean all the fighting and drama. I'm guessing that a lot of it is stemming from whatever has changed with you and Harry, so if you don't want to have to choose between him and your career I strongly suggest that you find a way to keep everyone happy."

"I'll figure it out Paul, I promise. And I'm sorry about the extra stress this is causing you," I said sincerely. Paul really was a good guy, and I didn't want to make his job any harder than it already was.

"I know son. I'm on your side, I really am. But no more fighting. No matter what."

I nodded and headed to my bus, wondering just how pissed Harry was with me. The atmosphere when I entered was tense, to say the least. Liam has his arm around Harry on one sofa, and Niall was sitting directly across from them. Thankfully Louis was no where to be seen. Niall jumped up as soon as he saw me and headed my way.

"What the hell is going on Zayn? First Harry hits you and now you attack Louis...why?"

"I'm sorry Ni, but I really need to talk to Harry alone. Harry, will you please talk to me?"

All three of us looked at Harry and I saw him nod at my request without looking up.

"Niall and I will just go get something to eat," Liam said. "Make this right Zayn. Please," he whispered to me as he walked by.

I took Niall's place on the sofa, not sure if Harry would want me near him. He was still staring down at his hands, so I couldn't see his face well enough to know how angry he was.

"Harry, I'm so sorry that I upset you. Will you please look at me?" I pleaded.

He shook his head. "You shouldn't have hit him," he said quietly.

His voice sounded so sad and I wanted nothing more than to hold him close to me. I stood up and dropped down on my knees in front of him, needing to touch him. I put my hands on his knees and he finally lifted his head. His eyes were red and I could tell that he'd only recently stopped crying. "You shouldn't have hit him Zayn," he repeated.

"I know Haz, I'm sorry, but I couldn't just stand there while he was basically calling you stupid and making me out to seem like a monster. I was trying to stand up for you, and for us too, but I'm sorry that I upset you..." I stopped speaking as Harry brought his hand to my face.

"Babe, I'm not mad at you. I'm glad that you defended us against those awful things he was saying. I'm just pissed that I didn't hit him first. I should have stood up for you."

I breathed a huge sigh of relief and pushed his hand out of the way so that I could climb up on his lap. Once I was straddling him I wrapped my arms around and held him as tight as I could, grateful that he wasn't mad at me and grateful that he had wanted to defend me. Grateful that he was mine.

"You know all that stuff Louis said is bollocks, right? I hate all this bullshit with Perrie, you have to know that. And you have to know that I only want to be with you," I said as I pulled back to look him in the eye, keeping my hands on his neck so that I could play with his curls.

"Promise?"

"I promise. In fact I'm pretty sure I love you way more than you love me. I can't get enough of you Harry."

"Well, I'm pretty sure that that couldn't possibly be true, but I'd love to see you try to prove it," he replied, eyes sparkling and one of his dimples making an appearance.

"Oh yeah? And just how do you propose that I do that?" I asked as I leaned closer and gave his hips a squeeze with my thighs. I licked my lips as I stared at his, wanting to kiss him almost as much as I wanted to tease him. The teasing won out, and I veered for his jawline just before my lips touched his.

"I'm sure you'll come up with something," he moaned as I kissed my way over to the spot under his ear that I knew drove him crazy. He responded just as I'd hoped he would, gripping my hips and pressing up against me.

"How about this?" I murmured as I sucked his earlobe and pulled on his hair. "Can you tell how much I love you now?"

He gasped as my other hand slid down his chest to his nipple. "No...this seems like something you might do with any close friend..."

"Is that so?" I chuckled before biting his lip. He opened his mouth and I released his lip so that I could kiss him, my body immediately responding to the feel of his plump lips and the soft slide of his tongue against mine. "How about now?" I asked after a moment.

"I'm guessing you've kissed most of your relatives like that, so nope, still not convinced."

"If you need more convincing, I'm happy to give it to you," I told him as I moved back down to the floor between his knees and kissed my way from one hip to the other, slipping my fingers underneath the waistband of his shorts.

"I'm still getting a strong 'like' vibe from you. I have heard that deep throating is a sign of affection in some cultures...you could give that a try," he said as he smirked down at me.

"I think we both know I've got no problem with that," I grinned as I started to pull his pants down.

"Hey Niall, you think Zayn and Harry will be surprised that we're back from lunch so early?" Liam's very loud, very obvious voice just outside the bus made me freeze. I looked up at Harry's wide eyes and I jumped up onto the sofa next to him. Liam stomped his way onto the bus and I smiled at him, hoping he knew how grateful I was to him for looking out for us.

Niall stepped into the area just as Harry pulled a pillow over his lap, and I quickly crossed my legs to try to hide my hard on.

Niall sat across from us and leaned forward so that his elbows were on his knees. "Is someone  _finally_  going to tell me what's going on?"

I looked over at Harry. I thought that his swollen lips and flushed skin, combined with how close we were sitting and how hard we were breathing, were fairly obvious clues as to what was going on, but if Niall hadn't noticed then I certainly wasn't going to bring it to his attention.

Harry apparently had other plans. I had just turned back to face Niall when his face appeared in front of mine. One of his hands gripped the back of my neck as he pulled me towards him until our lips met. I gasped in surprise and he immediately deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue in and pulling me closer. My whole body stiffened and my eyes remained open, looking around wildly to see what Niall's reaction would be.

He had leaned back against the couch and his mouth was hanging open. Harry pulled away after a minute, but he kept his arm around me as he turned to our stunned Irish friend. Niall looked back and forth between Harry and Ime, his mouth still open. He turned to Liam with a questioning look in his eyes.

"I guess the cat's out of the bag now," Liam said, causing Harry to start laughing. I wasn't sure how to feel, and mainly I just felt bad that we'd managed to shock Niall into silence. I had made peace with the fact that the boys were going to find out about Harry and me, and Niall was the most easy going of all of us, so I didn't think he would be too put out.

"Are you two like, a couple now?" he asked before bursting out laughing. "Oh my god, Zarry is real!" he yelled, clutching his stomach.

"I'm glad our love amuses you so much," I said in an indignant tone, biting back a smile.  

"Oh, it does, it really does," he said, wiping tears from his eyes. "Sooo, who's the bottom? It's you Zayn, isn't it?"

I stopped trying to hide my happiness after that. It just felt so damn good to have someone respond to the news with no judgement or accusations.

"Actually -" Harry began before I cut him off, covering his mouth with my hand.

"Actually, it's none of your business. We're not here to fuel your sick fantasies perv."

This set Niall off again, and soon all four of us were laughing like idiots. I leaned my head against Harry's shoulder, loving that I didn't have to censor myself completely in front of Niall and Liam anymore.

"This is weird as shit," Niall said, but there was no judgement in his tone, only surprise.

"I know, right? It took me some getting used to, but hey, whatever floats their boat," Liam replied, causing us all to laugh again.  

"Good, cause I know exactly what floats my boat," Harry piped up, pulling me onto his lap and wrapping his arms around me. God, I loved it when he manhandled me like that.

"Well, isn't this a cozy picture."

We all turned towards the door to see Louis standing there, the disgusted look on his face still evident behind his bruises. I knew it was wrong, but I felt a bloom of pride at how banged up he looked, his left eye swollen and his jaw a dark purple. That's what he deserved for messing with me and my man. I didn't want to rub it in though, so I started to climb off of Harry. He didn't let me move, tightening his arms around me and holding me even closer.

"Hello Lou. I was just telling the boys how much I love Zayn. What are you up to on this fine day?"

Louis didn't say anything, just turned and stormed off of the bus. I wasn't even close to forgiving him, but if he felt even a fraction of what I felt towards Harry then I felt a bit bad for him. Plus, Paul's words were still fresh in my mind.

"Haz, I know you're still pissed, and I am too, but we have to think of the group," I said gently. "Let's just ignore him and focus on work, yeah?"

Harry sighed. "You're right babe. I knew I fell in love with a genius," he added, just to work Niall and Liam up again I suspected. It worked, both of them grinning at us as Harry gave me a peck on the lips.

"Oh Liam, our baby boys are all grown up," Niall said with a mock sob. I just shook my head and kissed Harry back, kind of loving how new having an audience to witness our kisses felt. I swear my anti-PDA stance had changed after being forced to be so private with Harry, and I didn't mind one bit. It felt great to be able to kiss him and hold him and love him, right there in front of our closest friends. I knew that this was just a taste of what it would be like to be out in the open, and I wanted more.


	29. Chapter 29

                                                                                     

The concert that night was beyond awkward. Louis had explained his injuries away, saying that he'd had a football mishap. He'd also avoided dealing with Harry and me whenever possible, which was how I preferred it anyways. Luckily most of his onstage interactions tended to be with Niall, and him and Liam picked up our slack like the champs they were. All in all, we managed to not speak to each other for the the entire show, which gave me hope that I could keep my promise to Paul and ensure that everything remained civil and professional.

The meet and greet after our performance dashed my hopes a bit though. Everything was going as it usually did, with the fans declaring their love to Harry and fawning over Perrie and me, when I realized that Louis had been staying closer to the Little Mix girls than he usually did. I brushed it off, persuading myself that he was talking to them so that he could stay away from Harry and me, until I noticed that he and Perrie were huddled together whenever they had a break from the fans. I felt a whisper of worry forming in my stomach, knowing that no good could come from them conspiring together.

Harry didn't seem to be aware of any new friendships forming, and I didn't bring my suspicions to his attention, not wanting to add to his stress level. The bus was leaving right after we wrapped up, headed to Tennessee, where we would have a night off to celebrate Harry's birthday before taking care of business with three shows in Nashville. I was more concerned with other business I needed to take care of, specifically making sure that his birthday was perfect.

I knew exactly what I wanted to give him, but I wasn't sure if it would be enough. He'd given me more joy than I could ever have imagined, and I wanted nothing more than to repay the favor by making him as happy as I could. I wasn't even doing it for unselfish reasons. Yes, I wanted to bring a smile to his face more than anything, but seeing that smile would bring me just as much joy as it did him. His contentment filled me with to the brim with happiness, and so I craved it more than he probably did.

I knew I could get him some fancy present, but I didn't want to go that route, considering that he had the means to buy himself anything he wanted. Besides, I wanted to give him something more personal. Something that would show him what he meant to me and how grateful I was that he put up with all my shit.

I swear that ever since I'd first told Harry that I love him I found that I couldn't stop saying it. The floodgates had been opened and an endless stream of sap and romance and all that other crap I never used to believe in had been flowing out of me nonstop. It was truly pathetic how much I enjoyed seeing his face light up whenever I said those three little words, and how much I craved hearing them from him.

There seemed to be no end to the variety of ways in which he said it, and each one elicited a different response from me. I got chills whenever he whispered it in my ear, my stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies when I saw him mouth it to me onstage, fucking him was taken to a whole new level when he moaned it into my mouth, and my whole soul felt lighter when it was the first thing he said to me in the morning, knowing that it was the perfect way for me to start my day.

So I wanted to give him something that would show him that I loved him in yet another way. I'd bought a journal a few cities back, and I'd been filling the bright white pages whenever I had a little time to myself. I'd written some song lyrics and poems that reminded me of Harry in it, but most of the entries were made up of drawings I'd done. Just little cartoon pictures of Harry and me and some of the memories we'd made that were most special to me.

The first one was of us in line for the X Factor auditions, everyone else blurred out, just like they had been that day for me, Harry the only person I could see. The next one was of me holding his hand as he got his first tattoo. He'd been so scared but I'd known that he'd fall in love with getting ink just as I had, and I'd felt so honored that he'd wanted me there with him for that first one.

We'd all been so young when we were put into the group and our lives had changed overnight, and between the traveling and the money and the drugs and the girls there were few firsts that we hadn't experienced together. I'd included pictures of some of these memories, but to be honest I wasn't that worried about the firsts anymore. All I cared about were the forevers, and I wanted them all to be with Harry.

The last few drawings were my favorites. There was one of Harry in the bathtub with a crown of bubbles on his head, one of him lying in bed surrounded by red rose petals, one of AmaZayn and Naked Boy flying through the sky, my cape the only thing covering his naughty bits, and one of us on the roof of that hotel, making out in the moonlight. I just hoped he liked them as much as I did.

***

It was just after midnight when I put Operation Best Birthday Ever into motion with a text to Harry.

_**ZAYN:**  It's 12:05 am, and I love you. And in a minute, when you're a year older and a little bit wiser and even dorkier but still just as cute, I think I'll love you even more than I did the minute before_

Harry was sitting right next to me as his phone beeped and he read the message, and he looked up at me and smiled.

"You know what time I was born?"

I nodded and pointed at my watch, which now read 12:06. "Happy birthday babe," I said as I leaned forward and gave him a kiss, earning a groan from the rest of the boys.

"None of that on the bus," Niall grumbled, his words not holding much weight since he seemed genuinely happy for Harry and me.

"What do you want to do for your birthday?"

"I just want to relax honestly. Paul said he planned something at a restaurant in Tennessee, but I made him promise to keep it low key. I'm exhausted."

"We better get you to bed then," I told him, raising my eyebrow and pulling him up.

"Definitely none of that on the bus!" Niall yelled as we headed back to the bunks.

"But it's my birthday, stop being a cockblocker," Harry shouted back. The sound of Niall's cackles followed us as we stripped down to our briefs and climbed into Harry's bunk, me smiling at how cool Niall was being with the situation.

I cuddled up against him when we lied down, my head on his chest. His arm wrapped around my back and I soon felt it slide down to my ass.

I smacked it away. "Don't get any ideas."

"Too late," he responded, moving his hand right back to my butt.

"Nuh-uh, Louis' in bed just a few feet away and Ni and Li are still awake. Besides, I'm planning some really mind-blowing birthday sex for you, and I don't want anyone but me to hear your moans."

"Mind-blowing eh? We may have to sneak out of the party early." He sighed before continuing. "I'm just glad we get to stay in a hotel for a few days."

"Yeah, I can't wait to have my way with you on a big bed in a room that has a door that locks," I agreed.

"I guess I'll just have to settle for a snuggle tonight then," Harry said, placing a kiss on the top of my head.  

I leaned back so that I could look at him. "I guess could help you out a bit. It is your birthday after all," I whispered as I slid my hand down his chest and stomach. I kissed him as I reached his happy trail and and slowly ran my hand over the waistband of his boxers, but Harry, impatient as always, ripped them off before I could go any farther.

I smiled as I wrapped a hand around him, loving how eager he was. He was already half-hard, his length rapidly thickening in my hand, and I couldn't wait to make him come. It was so rewarding to be with him, always able to see and feel whether or not I was turning him on. There was never any concern over whether he was faking it or exaggerating what he was feeling. He was unable to hide the effect I had on him, and seeing him hard and knowing that I was the cause was a massive turn on.

I rubbed him up and down slowly for several minutes, flicking my wrist just so, stopping only to grab some lube. He felt so good, and I was hard as a rock. The sound of his gasps and moans made me move my hand more quickly, wanting to see him come undone. His legs tensed and I knew he was close, so I scooted down and leaned over him, replacing my hand with my mouth.

His breathing got heavier as I started to suck him, his shoulders jerking off of the bed. I couldn't stop myself from rutting against his leg and I moaned around him at how good the contact felt. I rubbed his balls with my free hand and began to suck him harder and move my hips faster as I felt them tighten. Harry gripped my hair as he raised his hips off of the bed and came, my name spilling from his lips as he spilled in my mouth, and fuck if it wasn't the sexiest thing in the whole world.  

"Shit Zee, that felt amazing."

I was out of breath as I pulled away. "Happy birthday Harry. I love you."

He smiled at me. "I love you too baby. Now get up here so I can take care of you."

I let out a nervous laugh and looked away, shifting uncomfortably. "It's okay, don't worry about me."

"Nonsense," he said as he grapsed my wrist and started to yank me towards him. I pulled away, and he looked at me with a confused expression on his face. "Are you...are you not turned on?" he asked, his voice giving away how hurt he was over this possibility.

"No Harry! That's not it at all," I said, quick to reassure him. "It's the opposite actually. I was too turned on and I...I kinda already finished."

Harry's eyes widened and he barked out a laugh before slapping his hand over his mouth to stifle it.

"Go ahead, make fun. It's not like I'm not embarrassed enough as it is," I groaned, putting my head in my hands.

"I'm sorry babe, I'm not making fun. That's actually really fucking hot, knowing I turned you on that much. Now lie back and let me clean you up," he said as he gripped both of my shoulders with his big hands and pushed me so that I was lying flat on my back.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he pulled my boxers off. "Harry, don't-" I started. But then his tongue was on me and I lost all desire to fight him. If this was what he wanted then who was I to deny him? It was his birthday after all...


	30. Chapter 30

                                                                                    

I woke up in Harry's arms and immediately gave him a big birthday kiss. After grabbing some breakfast we spent most of the day on the road, relaxing and watching movies. I was sat slouched on the sofa with Harry lying sideways, halfway on top of me so that his curls were in my face and one of my arms was wrapped around his chest.

Niall and Liam were sitting across from us, and it felt amazing to not have to hide in front of them. They didn't seem to mind our cuddling too much, though at one point Liam had pulled Niall onto his lap.

"Come on Ni, I feel left out," he said as he grabbed his face and pretended to make out with him.

"Watch out boys, that's how it all starts," I warned, just as Louis walked into the room. He took a seat in the armchair and looked at Harry nervously.

"Happy birthday Harry."

Harry glanced up at me before turning back to Louis. "Thanks man," he answered quietly. I gave him a squeeze, hopeful that there wouldn't be any drama today. Maybe Louis had accepted the new relationship dynamics and wasn't out to cause trouble for Harry and me anymore. Or maybe he hated me as much as ever. I honestly didn't know with that guy.

We checked into the hotel a couple of hours before we were due at the restaurant, and for the first time in a long time I went to my own room instead of Harry's. After a long hot shower to try to soothe my nerves I got dressed in a white shirt with a wide collar that I knew Harry liked and headed out of the hotel to run a quick errand. Thirty minutes and a quick stop back at my room later I was knocking on Harry's door.

He opened it wearing a charcoal Henley with tight black pants and a black beanie, and he looked incredible.

"You are really wearing those jeans...hot damn Styles, you look sick," I complimented him as I looked him up and down. He ignored my words completely, too focused on what was in my hands.

"Are those for me?" he asked.

"All for you baby," I smiled as I handed him the giant bouquet of purple daisies that I had just bought him. I'd intended to go with classic red roses, but as soon as I'd seen how bright and beautiful these flowers were I'd known that they'd be perfect for Harry.

"Thank you. No one's ever bought me flowers before. Did you have them delivered?"

"No, I just walked downtown and bought them. Some girls took my picture, so it might be online soon, but they'll probably just figure..."

"That they're for Perrie," Harry finished. "It doesn't matter. They're for me and I love them. Thank you," he said, placing a kiss on my lips. "Oooh, what's that?" he asked, pointing at the wrapped present in my hand.

"That's for later," I answered, earning a pout from him. "Come on, I made sure that we could ride to the party alone. I hope that's okay?"

"Wouldn't want it any other way."

I took the flowers from him and set them and his present down on the table before taking his face in my hands and giving him a long kiss. We headed out of the hotel and into the van and a short drive later we were walking into a country western bar that smelled of beer and barbecue sauce.

I laughed at the decor, from the neon beer signs and deer heads on the walls to the checkered tablecloths and peanut shells littering the floor, but Harry grinned. "This is perfect," he breathed.

He was quickly engulfed by our friends, all wishing him a happy birthday. We were soon seated and dinner was actually really fun, full of delicious food and flowing conversation. The only negative was that Perrie had snagged the seat on my other side, but I ignored her as best I could and focused all of my attention on Harry. I had pretty much given up all pretense of acting like we were engaged unless management or fans were watching, but I still was not in the mood to deal with her conniving and manipulative ways. Luckily they served us pitchers of beer, and though American ale tastes horrible I drank more than my fair share, feeling wound up and tense despite the relaxed atmosphere.

Eventually I gave up and headed off to the loo for a smoke, squeezing Harry's hand under the table as I stood up. I lit up as soon as I was in the stall, not wanting to wait a second longer. I felt a bit better when the weed hit my lungs, and I leaned my head back against the cold metal door, trying to focus on the burn in my throat and the haze in my head and not on what might happen that night.

I didn't know how much time had passed when I felt more than heard a tapping on the door I was resting against. I froze, debating whether to try to quickly smoke the rest of my joint or to toss it in the toilet, when a piece of paper was slipped under the door.

_STOP POOPING. I MISS YOU._

I laughed as I read the note, a full belly laugh that had little to do with being high and everything to do with Harry. I swung the door open and pulled him into the stall with me, needing to be alone with him for a few minutes before I had to share him with everyone again. I pushed him up against the wall and buried my head in his neck, breathing him in and giggling at how good it felt to hold him.

"You okay babe?" he asked, patting my back.

"I am now," I laughed as I pulled away to take another hit.

"Oh god, how high are you?" I shrugged, another giggle escaping my lips. "Well now I  _really_  can't wait for tonight. You're always so horny when you're high."

I started coughing and stopped laughing. Tossing the joint in the toilet, I grabbed Harry's hand and headed out of the loo. He pulled his hand away and ran it through his hair as we walked into the back area of the restaurant, where everyone was gathered.

He whistled as he looked around the dark area, which managed to contain twice as much tacky in half as much space as the restaurant had. "If this is Nashville's idea of a club, then I don't ever want to leave," he said with his eyes full of wonder. "I feel like a cowboy."

"We just need to find you a hat. And some chaps."

"Assless ones," he agreed.

We ended up at a small table by the bar, and after a few more drinks I was finally starting to relax. Everyone from the crew and the groups were there, but since the restaurant had been closed to the public I wasn't that worried about staying too close to Harry. I trusted most of the people there, and I figured this was a good step on the way to going public.

I leaned closer to him and slid my hand across the table until my fingers were touching his. He quickly moved his hand away and looked around the room, but my hand followed his and caressed his fingers again. He didn't move away this time, and his fingers intertwined with mine was one of the most sensual things I had ever felt. I swear I could feel it all over my body and for the first time I started to get excited about my plans for the night, deciding that I didn't want to put them off anymore.

I held Harry's hand and pulled him away from the table and into a darker corner of the bar. He laughed as I pushed him towards the the wall, but once his back was up against it and my arms were planted on either side of his head I saw him gulp.

"I want you Haz," I murmured as I ran my nose along his jawline.

"I want you too Zee. We'll leave soon," he promised, resting his hands on my waist.

"No, let's leave now. I want you, now," I begged, pressing the length of my body against his. "I want you to fuck me," I added as a whisper. I felt his body tense as he moved his head so that he could look at me. I bit my lip as I looked back at him, trying to tell him with my eyes how much I meant what I had said.  "Fuck me Hazza."

Harry took a deep breath and beamed at me. "You're right, let's leave now," he agreed, his voice even deeper than normal. I smiled back at him and gave him a quick kiss, unable to hold off until we were alone.

We left without saying goodbye to anyone, too eager for the next portion of the night to begin to bother being polite. We made our way through the crowd of fans and paparazzi that had gathered outside walking next to each other but not touching, and Harry was all smiles as soon as we were secured inside the car.

The crowd had immediately surrounded the van, but that wasn't going to stop me from what I wanted to do. What I needed to do. I grabbed Harry by the collar and pulled him towards me so that I could kiss him.

He wasn't having it, pushing me off of him immediately. "They'll see..."

"They won't. The windows are tinted," I insisted as I slid my hand up his thigh. He relented and let me kiss him, and soon we were all over each other. I could see the fans pressing against the windows out of the corner of my eye, and knowing that they had no idea what we were doing made it feel forbidden and dirty and amazing. It look several minutes for the driver to maneuver his way out of the parking lot, the sounds of the fans shouting for us and banging against the van driving Harry and I to kiss each other harder and deeper.

By the time we made it to the hotel I was on Harry's lap and we were both sweaty and out of breath. We broke apart only when we heard the driver clear his throat. Harry gave me a huge smile as he started to climb out, and I was so hard and he looked so hot that I was tempted to let him fuck me right there in the van.

The walk to his room seemed impossibly long, and I felt some of my nerves start to return. By the time he was unlocking his door my heart was racing more from anxiety than from horniness. Harry glanced back at me as he stepped inside, and I smiled at him as best I could, not wanting my trepidation to put a damper on the night.

I think he could sense how nervous I was though, because he pulled me to the end of the bed and kissed me. It was a gentle kiss, full of love and understanding, and it was just what I needed to remind me of why I was doing this. I wanted Harry to experience everything life had to offer, and I wanted to be the one to give it to him. I wanted him to have all of me.

I deepened the kiss and pushed him back until he was lying flat on the bed. I climbed on top of him, straddling his waist without breaking the kiss and holding his hands over his head. As I bit my way down his neck I heard Harry clear his throat, but I ignored him, too focused on how good he felt under my tongue and between my thighs.

I suddenly found myself on my back looking up at Harry, who was hovering above me.

"I think you're forgetting who's in charge tonight," he said, causing my stomach to clench and my dick to get harder. I bucked up against him to show him that I was game, but inside I was a mess. I clenched the bedspread to hide my shaking hands, but Harry must have seen (he saw everything, he saw  _me_ ) and he knew that it was my tell, that I was scared, and so he kissed me again. And that kiss told me everything that I needed to know. It told me that Harry was in charge but that I was safe and wanted and loved. So I gave myself over to it. Over to him.

I focused on the weight of his body on mine and not the quaking in my belly. On the smell of his hair and not on the sweat forming on my brow. I focused on him and not me, willing to do whatever he wanted. And then it wasn't just my hands that were shaking but my whole body, not from fear but lust and want and need.

Soon we were both naked and knowing what was about to happen made me feel new and bright and terrified and ready. He grabbed some lube out of his jeans on the floor and spread it on his fingers, pausing when he reached between my legs, wanting to make sure that I was okay. I wasn't, but that didn't mean that I didn't want it, torn as I was between desire and fear. Desire won out, and I opened my legs further, allowing him to slide one finger in.

I gasped, more from the shock of how full it made me feel than from anything else. He moved it in and out slowly, so slowly that it made me crazy, before sliding another finger in. This time the gasp I let out was from pain, but I nodded for him to continue. After one more finger I was holding back tears and just wanted to get it over with, so I told him I was ready.

He flipped us over so that he was on his back and I was above him. I sat up on my knees as he put on a condom and lined himself up, and I sank down on him one inch at a time, feeling like I was being split in half. Harry looked like he was in pain too, but from experience I knew that it was just from the tight feeling surrounding his cock.

"Shit," I couldn't help groaning. "This will get better, right?"

"It will babe, I promise," he grunted. I could tell that trying to hold still was taking it's toll on him, so I cautiously began to move, sliding him in and out of me as fast as I could manage. Riding him like this was harder than I had imagined it would be, not just from the pain but from the way it made the muscles in my thighs shake as they tried to find leverage. Harry must have seen me struggling because he sat up so that his chest was against mine, and having his arms around me to help me rock against him made all the difference in the world.

He could thrust into me deeper from this angle and he did so, again and again, and soon the pain was all but gone and the pleasure was there. The feeling was different than anything else I had ever felt, and once again I found myself feeling new and bright, as if a light had been turned on in a room I'd never even known existed. Soon it was so good that my eyes blurred and all I could see of Harry was brown curls and green eyes and deep dimples, all hazing together as he moved inside of me. The pain was still there, the good combining with the bad to make something that was fucking fantastic, and I didn't know whether to scream Harry's name as a blessing or a curse.

And then he wrapped a hand around me and started pumping it in time to his thrusts and I said his name again and again, not caring whether it sounded like a blessing or a curse as long as he didn't stop. He didn't, stroking me until I bit his shoulder and came, begging him for more the whole time. I clenched around him and felt him release a few seconds later, bucking against me and moaning my name.

I winced as I climbed off of him and lied on my side on the bed, the throbbing in my backside making me too scared to lay on my back. Harry's eyes were closed but a smile was plastered on his face, and he blindly reached out to hold my hand. We stayed still for a few minutes as our heart rates slowed, before Harry opened his eyes and leaned off of the bed to grab his phone from the floor.

"Are you really texting someone right now? That's pretty bloody rude after what we just did," I said, hurt flooding my body and competing with the physical pain I was feeling. He ignored me and I felt myself getting angry before my phone beeped from inside of my jeans.

**_HARRY:_ ** _What are you doing for the rest of your life? Cause I've got some BIG plans for you babe...thanks for making this the best birthday ever love_

I put my phone down and smiled over at Harry, a blush spreading over my cheeks. "I'm not sure what I'm doing for the rest of my life, but I'll make you a deal. As long as you can find that spot again you can shove your fingers up my ass anytime you want, but we're gonna have to save your dick for special occasions."

Harry laughed and leaned over to kiss me, but not before rolling his eyes. "I had no idea you were such a romantic Zayn. I think I can live with that."

"Good, cause I can't live without you."

He held me tighter after that and I fell asleep, wrapped up in his arms and his love.


	31. Chapter 31

                                                                                    

Harry woke up before me the morning after his birthday, but he obviously didn't want to be the only one awake for long, because he was practically bouncing up and down despite his prone position. I kept my eyes shut, but he wasn't having it. I heard him get out of bed with a huff, and the next thing I knew he was pacing back and forth, humming much too loudly for such an early hour in my opinion.

I peeked a glance at him and saw that he wasn't so much pacing the room as the three foot area in front if the side table where I'd placed his present the night before. I closed my eyes before he turned back, intent on feigning sleep until he got adorably frustrated, as I knew he would.

He didn't disappoint me.

"Zayn?" I heard him whisper. "Zayn, are you awake?" he asked, a little louder this time. "Zaaaaaayn..."

I ignored him for as long as I could, which was until he was on top of me on the bed, straddling my stomach and waving the gift above his head. "I know you're awake, stop faking. We've got things to do."

"What could possibly be important this early in the morning?" I grumbled.

"This," he said, pointing at the present. "You were so sexy and demanding last night that you made me totally forget to open it."

I gave him a small smile and pushed him off of me so that I could get up to brush my teeth. I winced as I pulled on my boxers, but the pain subsided a bit as I walked to the bathroom. I leaned against the wall as I started to brush my teeth and looked over at him.

"Go ahead and open it," I said with a mouth full of paste.

Harry grinned and immediately ripped the wrapping off of it, not by carefully undoing the edges as I would have done, but by basically shredding it into far more pieces than necessary in his haste. I smiled at my overeager boyfriend as I watched him to see what his reaction to the journal would be.

He looked it over carefully, taking in the black on gray plaid print on the front and back covers, for a full minute before he opened it. He looked up at me with bright eyes as he saw that I hadn't just given him a blank notebook, but something that I had written in. He turned back to it and I forgot to continue brushing as I found myself holding my breath as I watched him flip slowly through the pages, running his fingers over the words and drawings. I took in every detail of him as he looked over the details of the book, from the way he bit his lip when he saw the first drawing to how his fingertips lingered over my face in each of the drawings.

When he looked back up at me his eyes were even brighter, and I thought he might cry. He stood and walked over to me, pulled the toothbrush out of my mouth and kissed me full on the lips, ignoring the fact that I hadn't yet rinsed. His mouth was as white and foamy as my own when he pulled away and I laughed, dragging him into the loo.

Once we were cleaned up I brought him back to the bed, still wanting to know whether he liked the gift.

"What do you think?"

"Babe, it's perfect. You have no idea how much I appreciate the time and effort you put into spoiling me. I'm a lucky boy," he grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

"It has a lock," I said as I reached into my jeans on the floor, "so I had these made. One for each of us."

I handed him one of the silver chains with the little keys hanging from it and pulled the other one over my head. It fell right above the lips on my chest, and it felt right to have it so close to my heart.

Harry looked at it for a moment before sliding it on. "You know, I'm really starting to wonder about you Zee. First you want to bottom, then you get all lovey dovey with your gifts. I'm pretty sure I've turned the Bradford Bad Boi into a total sap. You've gone soft."

I put a look of mock fury on my face before rolling him over so that he was facing away from me. I sidled up behind him until my front was flush against his back.

"I've done no such thing. Allow me to show you just how hard I still am," I growled, taking the arm closest to me and pulling it behind his back, not too far but far enough that it made his muscles strain. I slid one leg in between his and nudged him forward until I was almost lying on top of him.

I could feel the heat radiating off of his body and I swear I felt his skin humming, as if the energy inside of him was looking for a way out. "Still think I've gone soft?" I whispered hotly into his ear.

"Yeah, totally soft-" he stopped speaking as I reached into his boxers and began rubbing his entrance with my middle finger, wanting to make him squirm. He did, so I put more of my weight of top of him to hold him still as I slowly slid my finger in. I got harder the further I pushed it into him, and soon the sound of Harry's whimpers took me from merely hard to gotta fuck or die.

I pulled my finger out and sat up, pushing my boxers down to my knees and sliding on the condom as quickly as I could. I was aching to be inside of him, and I could tell by the way he was rutting against the sheets that he was eager too. Once I was lubed up I pulled him up on his knees and yanked his boxers down until they were just below his ass, not bothering to take them all the way off.

I pushed his upper back so that his head was flat on the bed, his face turned to the side so that he could see me out of the corner of his eye. I grabbed the hand that was behind his back as I lined up against him, running my length up and down his ass to tease him.

"Can you feel how hard I am now?"

"Yes," he moaned, pushing his ass back against me as much as he could.

"Say it. I wanna hear you say it."

"You're so fucking hard Zayn. You're so hard and I love it."

"That's better. Now be a good boy and spread your legs for me." He did as he was told, scooting his knees apart and opening himself up for me. He looked pink and perfect and I wasted no time in slamming into him.

We both groaned in pleasure as I bottomed out. I pulled all the way out to the tip and stayed there, waiting for him to beg for it."

"Please Zee, don't tease me."

"Oh, I'm gonna fucking tease you. I'm gonna tease you until you're shaking and screaming my name," I warned as I slowly pushed in and out of his heat.

His pleas and moans continued but I didn't stop, fucking him hard but slow, making sure to hit his spot each time but never increasing my pace. Soon we were both sweating, my knees were aching and I had to close my eyes and hold my breath to keep from coming, but still I kept going.

"Please Zee, I'm so close, please touch my cock," he begged.

"No," I groaned in between thrusts. "And don't you dare fucking touch it either."

I felt my balls tightening and though I told myself to slow down I couldn't, the effort of not pounding him harder making my head swim. Luckily Harry had started to shake and babble by that point, so I gave up any hope of edging and fucked him as fast and hard as I could. The increased tempo of my thrusts was enough to have Harry coming in less that a minute, and he shouted my name again and again as he came undone.

As soon as he was finished I pulled out and flipped him over. The condom was quickly discarded and I jerked off as I knelt above him, wanting him to watch. He sat up so that he could get a better look, his pupils still blown black, stroking himself lazily as I fisted my cock. He opened his mouth as I started coming, and I gave him what he wanted, shooting into his mouth again and again. By the time I was finished half of his face was covered and he looked so fucking obscene that I almost felt bad.  _Almost._

He didn't seem to mind at all though, licking around his lips to get as much of me as he could in his mouth.

"That's my good little cumslut," I complimented him as I patted his head and fell back onto the bed. He just laughed.

"If you'd asked me last year how I'd be spending my 20th birthday I never in a million years would have imagined this," he said, pulling my body closer to his.

"Oh yeah? Waking up to a jizz shower from yours truly wasn't what you wished for when you blew out your candles?"

"I just never knew to dream so big. We'll have to make this a birthday tradition," he said, his body shaking against mine in laughter, making me unable to respond as I began to imagine where I wanted to come on him next.

***

The tour continued and I was falling deeper and deeper in love. I had given myself over completely to the hurricane that was Harry, because I'd accepted the fact that even though being together might be hard, or bad for our careers, being without him wasn't an option.

Every day Harry managed to do something new to make me love him more. I loved the way he threw his head back with laughter when he found something truly funny, as if he was unable to contain the joy exploding out of his body. I loved how tightly he'd hold my hand, even if we were in front of the boys, and how he'd climb right into my bunk every night, even if the other guys were still awake. Touching him in front of our closest friends that way made me want more. I wanted to change my Facebook status to  _In A Relationship With Harry Styles_  and to introduce him to my mum all over again, this time not as Harry my friend and colleague, but as Harry my everything.

I knew that I was totally done for when I found myself fantasizing not about bending Harry over or tying him up but about getting a puppy together, carpooling to work every morning, and tattooing his name on my chest. Of a little girl with brown curls and green eyes who was just as goofy as her daddy, and of a little boy with black hair and tan skin who liked to draw. Of the children we could have. I loved seeing him wear the key necklace that matched my own, and it made me think of other jewelry that I could give him. Jewelry that would make him mine.

I knew that these dreams were crazy. I was only 21 for Christ's sake. But I didn't want to imagine a Christmas or a birthday or any day, really, without Harry by my side. So I came up with elaborate plans in my head, like where I would want to propose, trying to think of the perfect place to revisit from all of our travels, or if maybe it would be better to do it in one of our hometowns, tying our past to our present. Or if it would be too weird if we asked our sisters to be our surrogates, so that our children could have both of our genes, Malik good looks mixing with Styles charm.

I was fucking mad about the boy, and I could only hope that he was just as crazy about me.


	32. Chapter 32

                                                                                    

"Babe, come on, don't be like that."

Silence.

"Babe, seriously, what do you want me to do?  Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

"I want you to go have fun on your date Zayn. A fancy dinner on Valentine's Day, doesn't that sound romantic. Maybe you should propose, oh wait,  _you_   _already did_ ," Harry said sarcastically, crossing his arms and looking anywhere but at me.

I tossed my hands up and continued pacing in front of him. He'd been like this all day, ever since I'd gotten back from the meeting and told him the news. He'd pout and pout but whenever I told him that I'd tell management to go fuck themselves, that there was no way that I was going out, alone, with Perrie, on Valentine's Day, he'd say that I had to do it. Then the pouting would begin again.

Which isn't to say that I hadn't pouted when Nancy's robotic voice on speaker phone had told me that I had to take Perrie out for a romantic dinner date tonight. But it was pretty hard to make the fact that you were pouting evident during a conference call, so I'd settled for letting out a string of expletives instead.

All of my complaints were immediately shut down, words like  _contracts_  and  _responsibility_  and  _scandal_ being thrown around. In truth I was surprised that it'd taken this long for someone to insist that I take Perrie out. Don't get me wrong, we had been seen in public on dates far too many times for my liking since she'd joined the tour, but up until this point I had made sure that they were always group outings, so that once we were past most of the cameras I could drop her hand and ignore her completely, as long as we were sitting close enough to not arouse suspicion.

But apparently tonight, being Valentine's Day, was the perfect opportunity for us to go out on a romantic date, just the two of us. So here I was, trying to get my boyfriend to give me a kiss before I went out with my fiancée.How fucked up was that?

"I'm sorry Harry," I said, dropping to my knees in front of him. "I promise I'll be thinking of you the entire time. And I'll make it up to you as soon as I get back, yeah?"

Harry shrugged, still not looking at me. "I've gotta go, but please, give me a kiss. Come on babe..." I pleaded, lifting his chin so that I could see his face.

He let out a deep breath. "Fine. You look very nice by the way...too nice," he grumbled, fingering the collar of my suit. I leaned forward to give him a peck but his grip on my jacket tightened and he pulled me forward until I was lying on top of him on the bed. He slid his one of his hands into my quiff and the other down to my ass. I grabbed his biceps as he slipped his tongue in my mouth, kissing me hard and deep until I was a panting, needy mess. By the time he pushed me off of him I could barely remember my own name, let alone that I was about to be late for my date.

"Just something to remember me by. Have fun with Perrie," he sneered as he stood and walked out of the room. I groaned, more frustrated by the situation that ever. Thinking about the evening ahead immediately killed my boner, so I grabbed my room key and headed out, pausing only to yell out a quick I love you to Harry, which wasn't returned.

I was knocking on Perrie's door a few minutes later. She did not look impressed when she opened it. In fact she looked downright pissed.

"Jesus Zayn, you look like you just got fucked. Have you not looked in a mirror?" she asked, pulling me into her room. I looked at the mirror above her wet bar and saw that she was right; I did look like I had just been fucked. My hair was a mess, my suit was wrinkled and my lips were red and swollen. I straightened myself up as best I could, not wanting anyone to see me like this and assume that I had just had sex with Perrie.

"Better?"

"It'll have to do, since we're already late. Come on," she ordered, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me out of the room. I didn't even flinch at the contact, a fact that I found truly upsetting. Things were more twisted than ever if I was getting used to pretending to be with her. But the truth was, as long as I kept telling myself that I was doing it for the band and the fans, it really wasn't so different than the acting I had to do on nights when I would have given my left nut to have a quiet night at home alone but instead found myself onstage, performing for thousands of screaming girls. Hell, if I was myself all the time I probably wouldn't have any fans.

We got to the restaurant and through the appetizers with little incident. We'd been speaking as little as possible, which was fine by me. When we did have to talk we were sticking to neutral - boring - topics, but when it came to Perrie I'd take boring over psycho any day. But apparently Jesus hated me, because the respite from animosity was short lived.

"So Zayn, don't you think I deserve to know what's really going on with you and Harry?" I stiffened at her words, not liking the spiteful way she said Harry's name.

"Actually, I think you don't deserve a goddamn thing from me, but I'll tell you anyway. He's my best friend, and I sure as shit would rather be with him right now than you."

"So, you're just friends huh?" I didn't respond, torn between wanting to tell her exactly how much more than friends Harry and I were and not wanting to piss her off enough that she'd cause a scene, be it in this restaurant or in the papers. So I ignored her and focused on finishing my drink, glad that I had ordered a double. "So I guess you're totally fine with the fact that he's on a date with Jade right now, and my oh my, don't they look cozy."

My head shot up to see her smirking so much that I was sure she had to be bullshitting me, but then she inclined her head and I looked over to see Harry and Jade standing near the bar. The shock of seeing him where I wasn't expecting him, and of seeing him with Jade, kept me in my seat for a minute, but when Jade raised her glass to me and hooked one of her fingers through his belt loop ( _his fucking belt loop that no one, and I mean no one, should ever touch but me_ ) I jumped out of my chair so fast that I knocked it over.

The noise caused Harry to look my way and I could tell by the lack of surprise on his face that he'd known that I'd be here, that he'd somehow found out which restaurant I was going to be at and intentionally followed me here, but not before stopping to pick up a date. I was sure that he could tell how pissed I was even from across the room, and he gave me a nervous smile. I finally remembered where I was and picked my chair up, sitting back down at the table with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn't very much considering the fucked up situation that I found myself in. Who had I pissed off in a former life that I now found myself on a date with my fake fiancée while my secret boyfriend sat across the room on a date with Perrie's best friend?

It was more than a little disturbing how delighted Perrie seemed to be at the turn the night had taken. She didn't shut up about it for the rest of the evening, describing in great detail everything that she could see Harry and Jade doing. I ignored her, fuck I ignored them all, focused just on getting through dinner. I only let her get through half of her meal before declaring the "date" over. I stood up and started to leave without waiting for her, knowing that she would follow. She did, and I'd almost made it out of the restaurant without looking at Harry, when the urge to see him became so strong that I couldn't help but glance at him as I walked out the door.

He was staring right at me, as I suspected he'd been doing all night, and the look of longing he gave me was so sweet that I knew I couldn't stay mad at him. After all, he'd obviously put a lot of effort into following me here, and I couldn't really blame him for being out on a fake date with Jade when I was out on one with Perrie.  

I gave him a small smile, and when I saw how happy he looked to receive it I would have given anything to be able to beckon to him and to take him home with me right that moment, where we could be alone for a few hours and try to forget about all this bullshit. But instead I let Perrie wrap her arm around my waist and plastered on a smile, a smile that was much bigger but much less sincere than the one I'd just given Harry.

We parted ways when we reached the hotel lobby, her strolling to the lift with a spring in her step, obviously convinced that she'd somehow gotten even more of an upper hand in this stupid game she insisted we keep playing. I headed for the hotel bar, not wanting to go sit in my empty room while Harry was out. I hated that we were apart on Valentine's Day, and I prayed that he would be back soon, before my anger could get the best of me again.

He must have been thinking about me too, because he texted me before I'd finished my first drink.

_**HARRY:** Where are you?_

**_ZAYN:_ ** _At the hotel bar.  Where are you?_

He didn't respond, but I saw him walk in a few minutes later. I immediately felt a weight lift off of my chest and I grinned brightly at him, though my smile faded when I saw Jade walk in after him. What the actual fuck?

She slid into the circular booth before Harry could and since I was on the other end he had no choice but to slide in after her. She scooted right up to me, wrapping an arm around my waist and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Happy Valentine's Day Zayn," she purred. "Where's Perrie?"

"She went to bed. Did you two have a good time on your date?" I asked, my eyes locked with Harry's.

"It was fun," she said, at the exact time that he answered, "It wasn't a date."

I chuckled and waved the waiter over. I was obviously going to need more alcohol to get through the rest of the night.

We chatted a bit about the tour after I ordered a round of shots, though Harry seemed distracted. It wasn't until I noticed his burning gaze that I realized that Jade had never removed her hand from my waist. Once I noticed her hand I realized how often she was touching Harry and me both. She'd always been a bit of a flirt, but this was ridiculous, especially if she thought that she'd just been on a real date with Harry.

Harry ordered two more rounds of shots as soon as the first one arrived, and I gave him a look, trying to figure out if he was pissed or just looking to get drunk. It soon became apparent that I was the one he wanted to get drunk, since he kept sliding his drinks my way. I happily drank them, hoping that he was planning to take advantage of me when we were finally alone.

Several shots later and I was drunk and half hard from pretending that it was Harry's hands on me and not Jade's. She excused herself to go to the loo and I pulled him over, wanting him to touch me. He slid closer until he was right next to me, and his eyes were brighter than they deserved to be considering how much he'd had to drink.

He cocked his head at Jade's retreating figure. "She really wants to fuck you."

I laughed, not giving much of a fuck about her when I had everything I wanted right in front of me. "I think she wants to fuck both of us."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

I shrugged, not seeing where he was going with this.

"Threesome," he said loudly, making me feel about a million years old as I shushed him and looked around to see if anyone had heard him. When I looked back at him he was grinning, a smile that managed to be innocent and dirty at the same time, and I knew that he wasn't kidding.

"You're mad. She's best friends with Perrie, who, let me remind you, she thinks I'm about to marry."

"Don't you see, that's why it's so perfect. She's friends with Perrie  _and_ she's in Little Mix  _and_ she's famous, so she'd be just as fucked as us if this got out. She'd never be able to go public."

As much as I hated to admit it, the idea intrigued me, and I had to shift in my seat as I imagined fucking her while Harry watched, or touching him as he made her moan.

"But what if we got jealous?" I asked, knowing how crazy it made me to imagine Harry hooking up with someone else.

"What could you possibly be jealous about babe? She's a nice enough girl, but she means nothing to me. You mean everything, and I want to share this experience with you. I wanna get off watching you fuck her."

I groaned at the thought of it, and I knew that there was no way I was going to tell him no. I gave him a small nod and he beamed at me in response. "For real? Are we really going through with this?" he asked, sounding as excited as a kid on the last day of school.

My mind was torn between images of all we could do with Jade and all of the ways that this could backfire on us, but to my alcohol infused brain the benefits of a threesome were definitely standing out to me more than any potential consequences. I found myself nodding again, a bit more firmly this time, as I looked up at Jade, who was making her way back to the table.

Holy shit, were we really going through with this?


	33. Chapter 33

                                                                                    

It was surprisingly easy to convince Jade. Actually it didn't take any convincing at all. Harry got up so that Jade could slide back in next to me and soon she was sandwiched in between us and obviously loving it. A few more shots and some caresses on the leg from me and a little neck nuzzle from Harry and it was Jade suggesting that we take the party back to her room.

We were all feeling the alcohol, so we laughed our way out of the bar, Jade hitching a ride on Harry's back. We'd just gotten onto the lift when a huge group of people from the tour entered the lobby, and I hurriedly hit the Close button, knowing that it would be a disaster for them to see us together heading to Jade's room. Luckily the door closed before they could hop on and soon we were inside her hotel room.

I immediately asked if I could use the loo and dragged Harry in with me, needing to set some ground rules before this began.

"So, how's this going to work?" I asked once the door was closed.

Harry smirked. "Well you see Zayn, when a guy and a girl and another guy really like each other..." he began, and I smacked his arm to get him to focus.

"No, you git, I mean, are we just going to touch her or are we going to touch each other too? Is anything off limits?"

Harry was quiet for a moment. "I wouldn't say anything is off limits, per se, but I'm not sure how she'll react if we start blowing each other or something, you know? Maybe we just play it by ear?"

I nodded, though it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that there was no way that he would be able to resist touching me and that he didn't give a damn what she thought, but I tried to brush off the sting of rejection and just enjoy whatever the night brought.

When we went back into the bedroom Jade was sitting on the bed and the tension in the air was thick. Harry sat down on one side of her and I sat down on the other side after removing my jacket. We were silent for a minute, and I think we were all trying to figure out how to begin. Luckily Harry knew just how to break the ice.

"So Jade, this must be really exciting for you, getting both Zayn and me at once, you lucky girl," he teased. "Should we start off with a sword fight in your mouth?"

We all cracked up at this, and just like that the atmosphere was much more relaxed and not nearly as scary. Jade took me by surprise when she interrupted my chuckling by kissing me. I kept my eyes open for a minute to glance at Harry, but he didn't look mad so I let myself relax into it. A minute later she turned to kiss Harry. He immediately reached behind her back to hold my hand, and knowing he was thinking of me even as he kissed her made my momentary jealousy disappear.

Jade continued to go back and forth between the two of us, and I found myself getting more and more into it. Soon we were all pressed up against one another and Harry and I were able to keep our hands that were behind her back on each other. Our other hands were roaming her front, but his hand would often graze mine, sending a jolt of electricity through me.

I thought that everything was going well, but when Jade removed my tie and unbuttoned my shirt and started kissing down my neck I heard Harry start to grumble.

"Fuck this."

My eyes shot open, worried that he was upset. I saw him stand up and the next thing I knew he was sitting on my other side, biting my ear.

"I can't sit here and let her have you all to herself," he whispered. "Don't forget you're still mine."

"I'm only yours," I murmured, turning my head so that I could kiss him full on the lips. Kissing him felt incredible, and I was reminded that I'd rather be kissing him than anyone else.

I felt Jade remove her lips from my neck momentarily as I kissed Harry, but after a mumbled, "That's so hot," I felt her hand in my hair and her lips on my collarbone. I relaxed even more, sensing that she didn't mind Harry touching me one bit.

They both kissed me and touched me all over until I was dizzy. Feeling Harry's big, rough hands and Jade's tiny, soft ones rubbing me made me lightheaded. We were all practically on top of one another, and I closed my eyes, loving how difficult it was to tell where one of us began and the other one ended.

Jade was the first one to go for my zipper and I moaned in relief when my dick was finally freed from the confines of my pants. I turned my attention to getting Harry's jeans off and as soon as we were both naked Harry dropped to his knees in front of me. I slid my hand up Jade's dress as he took me into his mouth and pushed her panties to the side. She was just as ready as I was so I pushed Harry off of me and gave him a deep kiss before I pulled Jade up so that she she was standing in front of us. She pushed down her dress straps and shimmied out of it until she was standing in front of us in just her black heels.

She stepped forward and Harry and I each took one of her breasts into our mouths. She moaned in pleasure and tossed her head back, running her hands through our hair. It was amazing to know that Harry was feeling the exact same thing as I was, and I loved sharing this experience with him, both of us able to give and receive at the same time.

Jade started to straddle me as I sat on the edge of the bed and after I put a condom on I felt her sink down onto me. She was warm and wet and felt so fucking good that I groaned. It had been so long since I'd been with a girl that the sensation felt almost new, but I kept a hand on Harry the entire time, never for one second forgetting who was most important to me here. I leaned over to kiss him as she began to ride me and kiss down my neck. I slid one hand down to his cock, wanting him to feel good too.

Feeling both of their lips on me drove me crazy in the best possible way, and I knew I wasn't going to last long. I flipped us over so that her back was on the bed and I was standing on the edge, pounding into her. Harry bent over so that he could lick her as I fucked her, and the feeling of his tongue on both of us was unlike anything I had ever felt. He reached a hand around to my ass just as Jade began to clench around me and that was all it took for me to come, hard and fast.

Harry slid a condom on as I removed mine and he flipped Jade over so that she was on all fours. I sat back against the headboard to watch Harry with hooded eyes. He kept his locked on me the whole time, and there was so much love pouring out of them that I didn't worry for one second about how much he might be enjoying fucking Jade. I was enjoying watching them, and I was hard again in minutes.

I got up on my knees so that Jade could take me in her mouth. She sucked me off like I had diamonds buried in my ballsack, causing my body to jerk forward with the force of it. I took advantage of the motion and leaned even more towards Harry so that I could kiss him. We made out as he pumped in and out of her and she blew me, and we didn't stop kissing until we'd both spilled into her.

We all fell back on the bed in a sweaty heap, truly spent. No one said anything for a few minutes, and Harry and I looked over at each other and began to giggle at the same time.

"Well, this is awkward. Like, usually the porno ends at this point, so I'm not sure what we're supposed to do now," he deadpanned, once again breaking the tension.

I loved him so much in that moment, how he could make me laugh just as much as he could make me come, that it took everything I had to not reach over and snog him. I resisted, not sure if Jade would still be into it when we weren't in the heat of the moment. But I was eager to hold him close, so I knew I had to get him alone.

I stood up and started to get dressed, and Harry followed my lead.

"Fuck Jade, that was fun," I said as I buttoned my shirt partway and gave her a quick peck on the lips. "Harry and I are flying to Heathrow first thing in the morning, so I better turn in."

"You good sweetheart?" Harry asked as he gave her a kiss on each cheek.

"I'm good, don't worry about me," she said with a lazy smile as she climbed under her covers, still nude.

"Well, goodnight," I said as I grabbed my shoes from the floor and headed towards the door.

"And Jade, this is just between us, right?" Harry asked as I stepped into the hallway.

"Of course," she answered, and I breathed a sigh of relief. This whole thing had gone way better than I could have hoped.

Harry and I were quiet on the walk to his room, though we kept stealing glances at each other. As soon as were were in his room we cracked up, amused by the whole situation and amazed that we had gone through with it.

"I feel like we should give each other a high five or something," I admitted with a laugh.

"Put 'ere there buddy," Harry said, raising a hand to me. I slapped his hand and rolled my eyes as we headed to the loo and hopped into the shower together. I chuckled as I looked at both of our torsos and found them covered in love bites.

Harry smiled at me. "Thank god that that didn't backfire on us. I'm so glad we both find this funny," he admitted as he grabbed my hips and pulled me against him.

"Me too babe, me too," I agreed in between kisses.

"To be honest, kissing her just made me realize that you're the only one I want to be kissing," Harry said quietly, looking straight into my eyes.

I grinned widely as I felt my chest constrict. "I was thinking the exact same thing love. You're the only one I want to be with, like, ever."

He wrapped his arms around me and held me in a tight hug, a hug that reminded me of our first hug during our X Factor days and our last hug this afternoon and all the hugs we'd shared in between. I felt closer to him than ever before as I realized how differently this scenario could have played out if it had happened with someone other than Harry, who deep down I knew was so perfect for me that no one would ever be able to get between us.


	34. Chapter 34

                                                                                    

Despite only having a few days off, we'd caught a flight to Heathrow early the next morning, Harry intent on not missing his sister Gemma's engagement party. I was thrilled, over the moon really, when Harry didn't even bother asking me to go with him, already assuming that I was. When he mentioned the flight time and I asked if he wanted me to come with him he responded with an "Obviously," that made my heart beat a little faster. I couldn't wait to be on Harry's arm, to have all his closest friends and family know that I was his and he was mine.

Besides the pilots and air hostess, we were the only ones on board. I savored the time alone with Harry, hanging on his every word when he was speaking and studying his face on the rare occasions he was silent. I wanted to hear about every detail of his life, thirsty for any bits of information he'd be willing to feed me about how he spent his time when he was out of my sight.

It used to annoy me a bit, how slowly he spoke, but now I loved it. I loved the time he took to pick and choose each word, and how he was so enthusiastically relentless about the little, commonplace events that made up his day that he couldn't even contemplate a universe where everyone else wasn't just as interested in hearing about them. You could even tell him to shut up, but he would ignore you completely, intent on making you see how fascinating the world according to Harry truly was.

So I listened to him prattle on about this and that, all of my nerves concentrated where his thumb was rubbing the back of my hand. He still held my hand on every flight, he had whenever we were sitting together and could get away with it, ever since that flight when we'd watched Die Hard together, which seemed like a lifetime ago. A feeling of nostalgia washed over me as I thought back to that day. I wanted to watch Die Hard with him again and grope him under the blanket again, only this time I would know the secret: that he loved me as I loved him, and that these moments were to be cherished, in case one day they disappeared. I had him sat next to me, vibrant and alive, and yet inside I was already weeping for the time when he might be gone from my side.

Harry brought me back to the present with a quick kiss on the tip of my nose. "Whatchoo thinking about?" he asked.

"I kinda wish we were staying at the house you grew up in," I admitted shyly.

"Why?"

"That way we could christen your childhood bedroom," I said as I hitched one of my legs over his knee and stretched out, uncomfortable from being in one position for so long.

Harry looked horrified.  "We are  _not_  having sex in my mum's house!"

"Are you forgetting what we did in my little sister's bedroom?" I asked increduously, and Harry at least had the good graces to look a little sheepish.

"Don't try to guilt trip me; it's not happening," he insisted anyway.

"We'll see," I responded, confident that I could find a way to seduce him.

I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew we were landing. It was almost embarassing how sprawled out I was over Harry, but he didn't seem to mind, smiling down at me. I smiled back at his handsome face, my heart warming when I noticed that he hadn't let go of my hand, even when I'd been asleep. I sat up and gave him a kiss before standing and stretching.

"I'm so excited to see your family."

"I'm sure they'll be excited to see you too. My mum loves you."

"You didn't tell them I was coming?" I asked, surprised.

"No, but they won't mind. There's plenty of room," he tried to reassure me. It didn't work. I really had expected Harry to give his mother some kind of warning about my coming and, well, about  _us_.

Harry pointed out the window at anything and everything as we drove towards the house that he had bought his mother. I'd seen a lot of Holmes Chapel when I'd been here before, but it hadn't meant as much to me then. Now I hung on his every word, soaking up any information I could that would help me know him better, like knowing everything about him would prove that I loved him best.

It took a couple of hours to arrive at Anne and Robin's, and it was dark and freezing by the time we got there. The main party wasn't until the following evening, but Harry had warned me that there was sure to be some type of celebration tonight as well.

I couldn't even remember the last time I'd felt as nervous as I did when I stepped out of the car. I knew that his family liked me well enough as Harry's friend and band mate, but it was a whole different ball game now, and I wanted to make a good first impression as his boyfriend.

"Do I look okay?" I asked him as I smoothed down the dress shirt that I had just put on over my t-shirt, knowing that it would have gotten wrinkled if I'd worn it to travel.

He gave me an odd look, probably noticing that my voice was a bit shaky. "You're pretty as a princess," he said, rolling his eyes. "Come on, I'm sure they're all missing me desperately."

He ran up the steps to the beautiful two-story home ahead of me and opened the door without knocking. I quickly followed but he was already hugging his mum by the time I was inside. There were just a handful of people there, and they all cheered for Harry and me both, everyone obviously a bit tipsy. Anne released her son after a moment and opened her arms to me, automatically making me feel more relaxed.

"Harry! I see you brought one of my other sons home to visit as well. Come give me a hug Zayn, it's so good to see you love. Oh, will you just look at that gorgeous face," she said as she pulled back to get a better look at me. "He gets his looks from me," she told the group.

"Umm mum, you two aren't actually related," Harry interjected.

"Beauty like ours can't be contained by biology," Anne insisted with a laugh. "Still breaking hearts Zayn?"

I didn't say anything, just looked over at Harry, hoping that he'd say something, but he was already hugging Gemma. I went to join him on congratulating her on her engagement. Harry introduced me to everyone in the room as his friend Zayn, which stung, but I tried to brush it off, figuring that he might want to tell his mum in private first.

We caught up with everyone and before I knew it the guests were leaving and Anne was leading Harry and I upstairs to our room. Only it turned out that we weren't going to be sharing a room, Anne pointing me to one guest bedroom and Harry to another. He didn't say anything so I stayed silent as well, not wanting to step over any lines.

I half expected to find Harry sprawled on my bed when I got out of the shower, but the room was empty. I peeked out into the hallway and saw that all the lights were off, so I tiptoed over to Harry's room and knocked lightly on his door. He opened it a minute later in just trackies and leaned against the doorframe when he saw that it was me.

"And just what do you think you're doing here?"

"I'm going to bed, obviously," I said as I tried to brush past him

He stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. "Nuh-uh. I told you, no sex in my mum's house."

I smiled, sensing a challenge. "Who said anything about sex? I just wanted to watch some telly and hang out. I'm not tired yet."

Harry relented with a sigh and let me pass. I pulled off my shirt as I walked to his bed, leaving me in just sweat shorts. "Sure is hot in here," I said as I plopped down on his bed.

"I know what you're doing and it's not going to work," he warned as he closed his door and lied down next to me.

I flipped on the telly, stretching out and getting comfortable. "Don't know what you're talking about." He opened his mouth to speak again but I held up a hand to stop him. "Will you please be quiet? I'm trying to find something good to watch."

I settled on a movie on Cinemax, figuring from the cheap lighting and cheesy music that it was sure to have some sex scenes sooner or later.

"Come on, put something good on," Harry complained.

"No way, I've wanted to see this movie for like, the longest time."

"Oh yeah, what's it about?"

"You'd know if you'd pay attention and stop staring at my chest," I scolded as I scooted over a bit, not stopping until we were touching. Harry crossed his arms but didn't move away, so I rested my head on his shoulder. As soon as the couple onscreen started making out I made my move, turning my head so that I could kiss his neck.

"Zayn," he moaned. "This isn't a good idea."

"I know, it's a great idea. Come on, it's been  _forever_."

"Surely you haven't forgotten the threesome we had just last night?"

"Yeah, but I didn't get to be inside of you, and I miss it. I need it," I said as I moved my hand to his stomach.

He groaned, but I could see him getting harder so I went all in, climbing on top of him and straddling his hips so that I could kiss him properly. I knew that I had him when he sat up so that he could wrap his arms around my back. It felt so good to hold him close and to kiss him, his tongue hot and soft and moving against mine in the most perfect way possible.

I moaned into his mouth as he rolled his hips up against mine and slid my hands up into his hair, still damp from his shower. He kissed down my neck and I buried my face in his curls, loving how all of my senses were consumed by him. The smell of his apricot shampoo as I pushed him back on the bed and the taste of his sweat as I kissed my way across his chest and the feel of his heartbeat under my lips and the sound of his moans as I slowly slid his pants off and the sight of him, my god the sight of him, hard and ready and  _mine_ , made my heart beat faster and my dick get harder. 

Harry bent over the side of the bed as I pulled my shorts off and got ready, and after a few minutes of prep I was finally inside of him. We both moaned as I slid in, and I leaned forward so that my chest covered his back, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

I put my lips against his ear. "I've missed this so much. I've missed you," I whispered.

"I'm right here babe; I'll always be right here," he told me as he turned his head to kiss me. I had to bite my lip to keep from being too loud as I pumped in and out of him, relishing every second. I grasped his hand against the sheets as he began to push back against me, allowing me to go even deeper.

"Fuck Haz, you feel so good. Last night was fun, but this," I said as I increased the pace of my thrusts, "this is what I need. Only you."

"Always?" he asked as I wrapped a hand around him and rubbed over his tip, stroking him up and down again and again, the feeling of him pulsing against my palm as he released driving me closer to the edge.

"Always," I promised breathlessly as I felt him clench around me and came so hard that my knees buckled. I barely made it onto the bed before collapsing next to Harry, who looked as spent and satisfied as I felt. I reached over to brush his damp curls off of his forehead and placed a kiss on his lips before pulling back to look him in the eyes.

"Always and forever."


	35. Chapter 35

                                                                   

Despite my many protests, Harry made me sleep in my own room that night. I wasn't really mad, but I still made sure to call him every name I could think of as I got dressed and headed across the hall. When it came to Harry I could never stay mad for long though, so one sweet text from him and all was forgiven.

_**HARRY:**  I miss you already, but I'll be sure to see you in my dreams. Love you babe_

***

I slept late the next morning, and I dressed quickly once I realized the time, not wanting to seem lazy to his parents. I felt a bit of nervous excitement as I wondered if Harry'd had a chance to tell his mother about us, but one look from her when I entered the kitchen told me that he hadn't said anything.

"Morning Zayn," she said. "Sleep well darling?"

"Very, thank you."  As soon as Anne's back was turned I gave Harry a look that told him that I wanted to speak with him alone, needing answers.

"Mum, we're going to go grab some breakfast. I might show him the bakery."

"Sounds good. Have fun boys."

Once we were in the Range Rover I turned to Harry. "Why haven't you told her about us? I thought that was why you brought me here."

He sighed. "No, I brought you here because I didn't want to be away from you, and I hoped you wouldn't want to be away from me either."

"Okay, but..."

"But I haven't told her because this is Gemma's weekend. I already get more than my fair share of the spotlight. It wouldn't be fair to take more attention away from her."

I breathed a sigh of relief, glad that it wasn't because he didn't want his parents to know about us. "I didn't think of it like that. You're a good brother Haz. I just wish you'd told me. I've been freaking out this whole time that Robin's gonna sit me down and ask me what my intentions are for you."

"Ohhh, this I've got to hear. Do tell, what would your answer have been?" he asked with a grin.

I ignored his cheeky tone and answered honestly. "Just that I'm gonna take care of you, forever."

"So basically that you promise to get me off whenever and wherever I want?"

"You're impossible," I groaned, throwing my hands in the air.

"And you're adorable."

Harry took me to the Cheshire Bakery that he used to work at, and it was hysterical to see him flirting with the old ladies that worked there. I loved being able to see him around people who knew him before he was famous and weren't afraid to tease him. They all obviously loved him, not because he was Harry Styles, Rock God, but because he was impossible not to love.

Once we got back to the house we helped set up for the party, got showered and suited up and soon the festivities were beginning. He introduced me to everyone whom I hadn't met the night before, and though I could tell that he was willing to stay by my side all night it wasn't necessary. His family was wonderful, all friendly and welcoming. It wasn't hard to imagine that Harry must have had a wonderful childhood filled with fun parties just like this one, and I let myself daydream about what it would be like to truly be a part of this family. I had to admit that I liked the idea.

Seeing him around people whom he loved so much and felt so comfortable around was eye opening. He almost always seemed happy, but it was taken to a whole new level here. He was so sweet to his grandmother and so doting on his little cousins that I couldn't tear my eyes off of him. He was across the room from me, and I let myself look at him for a long time. Every curve of his face familiar to me, but also, I had never seen him before. Harry the family man was another side of him that I couldn't wait to get to know better.

We both were able to meet Gemma's fiancé, who was called Jimmy, a fact that Harry found hysterical. They made a good looking couple, Gemma with her peaches and cream skin and Jimmy with his light ebony skin tone, freckles and bright green eyes.

We chatted with them for over an hour, learning all about where they'd met and how he'd proposed. Jimmy seemed like a great guy, somehow managing to seem both incredibly ambitious and super chill, and I could tell that Harry approved of his sister's choice. He'd been drinking a good bit, but I hadn't realized how drunk Harry was until Jimmy asked him to be one of his groomsmen, along with his brother Jay.

"I'd be honored Jimmy, thanks. Is Jay like a sibling brother or just a black guy brother?"

Luckily everyone just laughed, but I quickly steered him outside for some fresh air.

We walked around to the side of the house, where the air was freezing but the sky was bright. Out here in the country the sky was clearer than I ever would have been able to imagine back in Bradford. There were so many stars that it was as if the galaxy was throwing a grand, illicit party, just for Harry and me. 

"Look at the stars, see how they shine for you," I sang softly into his ear as we huddled together against the cold.

"They're not shining for me, they're shining for us," he said, moving behind me to wrap his arms around my waist. He rested his chin on my shoulder and I relaxed into his embrace, feeling the love rush from me to Harry and from Harry to me. 

I turned around to face him, and he looked so beautiful in the moonlight that it took my breath away. I wanted to touch him like he was a kitten or a bunny, something so soft and so perfect that your fingertips couldn't stay away. So I did. I pulled him closer and ran my hands through his curls and kissed his dimples and loved on him like my life depended on it. In a way it did. The universe, or my universe at least, was good because Harry was in it. I loved things about him that would have driven me crazy if it was anyone else, like how he kicked me in his sleep and laughed at his own jokes and started a new book every week but never finished any of them. He was Harry, my Harry.

"I love kissing you," I said as I moved my lips to his neck.

"Mmmm, I love you kissing me too," he said, holding me tighter. "You're making my boy parts get bigger."

I pulled back to look at him. "You're really bad at flirting, you know that?"

"Shut up and kiss me," he ordered as he brought his mouth to mine. He deepened the kiss immediately, and one touch of his tongue against mine and I could no longer feel the cold. All I could feel was him, his breath in my mouth and his eyelashes against my cheeks and his hands under my jacket.  

At times like this - times when it seemed like he couldn't bear to take his hands off of me - it felt like we were in a universe of two, the rest of the world seeming like nothing more than a dream. America might not even exist, the band couldn't possibly be real, and I couldn't even remember Perrie's name.

The feeling of his hands sliding up the back of my thighs, fingers curling around my ass to lift me as he turned to push my back against the side of the house, was so fucking sensual that it had me panting into his mouth. He stopped kissing me as well, too focused on pressing his hips against my own again and again. I knew we needed to be more cautious but it felt so good that I no longer cared that we were standing only a few feet under a window, his family just inside.

I tossed my head back and moaned, but Harry quickly shushed me. He pulled me away from the wall and carried me to a door around the back of the house.

"Where are we going?" I asked into his neck, my legs still wrapped around his waist.

"Garage," he grunted as he opened the door. As soon as he shut it we were in complete darkness, and we only made it a few feet before he tripped and we both fell to the floor.

"You are way too uncoordinated to be trying a dangerous maneuver like that," I teased as I reached for his face in the dark.

"Hmph. I'll have you know that I'm as graceful as a panther, or a...an acrobat, or...something else graceful," he insisted, his words slurring as he launched himself on top of me. His forehead hit mine and I couldn't stop laughing, even as he tried to kiss me. "Stop laughing. This is a serious matter."

This only made me laugh harder. "I love drunk and horny Harry."

"You better love all Harrys. Where's your lube?" he asked, digging his hand into my pocket.

"I didn't bring any."

"What? You should always have lube on you."

"Says the guy who told me I couldn't have sex with him in his mum's house."

"Technically we're not in the house," he pointed out, unbuttoning my pants. As soon as they were off his mouth was on me, and my back arched off of the ground at the force of it. He was so drunk that it was sloppy and uncoordinated, but what he lacked in finesse he made up for in eagerness, and I was coming in minutes. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face as I climbed over him.

"How do you want it?" I asked as I unbuckled his belt.

"I don't give a fuck, just make me come."

"As you wish," I said, holding out two fingers for him to suck on. He took them into his mouth greedily, and I pushed them inside of him as soon as they were wet enough. He didn't even wait for me to stretch him, just began sliding his back up and down as much as he could on the concrete floor. He was basically fucking himself on my fingers, and it was one of the hottest things I had ever seen.

I leaned down to kiss him as I curled my fingers, and after a few deep pumps he was a writhing, panting mess, coming with a string of expletives falling from his lips.

"How did I survive nearly 20 years without  _that_  in my life?" he asked as we got dressed. "Or you," he added as an afterthought, making me laugh once again. As soon as we were in the light of the backyard I realized how dirty and wrinkled our clothes were from the garage floor, so I had to sneak Harry past his family and upstairs to his room, a task I would wish upon no man. We made it though, and all too soon our alarms were going off and we were headed to the airport.

The flight went smoothly, most of it spent cuddling and sleeping, though Harry did insist that we fit in a Bruce Willis movie. I wasn't that excited to be going back to work, though I was pleased with how well the weekend had gone, even though we hadn't accomplished what I thought we were going to.

Unfortunately these happy feelings were short-lived, tension flooding my body as soon as we stepped inside the bus and I heard the last voice I ever expected to hear in America.

"Just how stupid are you two?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The picture at the top is of Jimmy, AKA Jesse Williams, though I do fear that if he and Zayn were in the same room that it might implode from beauty overload. TOO MUCH HANDSOME.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading this story - I really appreciate it and would love to know what you think!


	36. Chapter 36

                                                                                    

It all started the moment we walked onto the bus. Or maybe it started before that. Maybe it started when I nodded to Harry in that bar and moments later found myself hitching Jade up so that she could ride on his back. Or maybe it was during that goddamn game of Truth or Dare, or the first time I asked Perrie to get a cuppa with me, or when Simon cut me and then reeled me back in by putting me in this group. No matter where it began now. It's done. I'm done. The Zayn who loved Harry and who thought Harry loved him is dead and gone, a corpse, a zombie, a shell residing in his place.

"Just how stupid are you two?" Nancy asked, looking totally out of place sitting on the messy bus in her fancy suit.

"What? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to try to clean up another one of your messes, only this time I think I'm too late."

I adopted an indignant tone as Harry and I sat down on the couch opposite her. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but whatever it is, I'm sure you didn't have to fly all the way over-"

"I came because Simon insisted that I do so," she interrupted, making my stomach drop. If Simon was involved then the situation had to be bad. He never got angry at us himself, just sent other people to do his dirty work.

"Why don't you just tell us what's going on," Harry said calmly, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees.

"What's going on is that you two geniuses apparently decided that it was a good idea to have a threesome with Perrie's best friend, in the same hotel that she and 25 other people you know were staying in."

"Fuck," Harry said, leaning back against the couch. "Perrie found out?"

"That she did."

"Well? How did she find out? And what's she threatening to do now?" Harry asked, exasperation flooding his features.

"Someone saw the three of you getting on the lift together, and Jade was on your back Harry. They said something to Perrie and she confronted Jade. Jade didn't deny it. She couldn't really, since Perrie saw your suit jacket in Jade's room Zayn."

I put my head in my hands and groaned. I hadn't even realized that I'd left it there. "So what now?" I asked without looking up.

"Perrie's furious. She has a picture that she's planning on releasing to the press."

"What picture? What concrete proof of any of this could she possibly have?"

Nancy didn't say anything, just handed us her phone, the picture in question already on the screen. My heart sank further as I realized that it was of Harry and me at his birthday party. He had his arms around my waist and I was pressed against him, and we were kissing. I hadn't even seen anyone around us who could have taken the picture, but I had been so focused on him that it wasn't surprising that I hadn't noticed someone creeping up in the dark to film our intimate moment. The thought made me sick.

"Hasn't this gone far enough? Why does she even care at this point?"

"She cares because she's in love with you Zayn. It's obvious to everyone but you. She's going about it in totally the wrong way, but this is the only way she can think to keep you in her life."

"She's fucking psycho is what she is."

"Be that as it may, we need to be prepared for this photo to come out in the next few days."

"Fine, what does she want? Harry and I to break up? We can handle that, we'll just have to be more careful about who sees us together, right?" I asked.

"We tried that before, and it obviously didn't work. She's really on the warpath this time, so the only choice is to come out or break up, for real this time. We can't risk her finding out about you two dating behind her back and blindsiding us with a scandal. We have to stay in front of the story if you're going to be outed."

"Shit," I cursed. "Okay, it's not ideal, but we'll be alright. We just need a bit of time before the story breaks, to tell our parents-"

"Don't let her do it," Harry interrupted, and I swear my heart stuttered at his words. "We'll do whatever she wants, just don't let her release the picture. This can't happen."

The reality of what he was saying hit me like a physical blow, and I was shocked at how quickly the hurt set in. Harry was still speaking, but he wouldn't look at me. It was that fact, that he wouldn't look at me, that did me in, far more than the words coming out of his mouth.

He looked older than I'd ever seen him look, the planes and angles on his face sharper, meaner somehow. I barely recognized him in that moment, and realizing that ripped my heart from my chest, until it was on the floor, then across the room, then down the road, until I couldn't see it anymore and it no longer belonged to me. I wouldn't have wanted it anyway, broken as it was, just as Harry didn't want me.

A dozen memories flashed through my mind - Harry releasing my hand at his birthday party, being scared to kiss me in the van, double checking with Jade that she wouldn't say anything, refusing to tell his family about us - and I realized that the clues had been there all along. Harry had only ever mentioned telling the boys and Lou, and in all of our conversations about the future he had always said  _if_ and not  _when_ , but I had been too blind too see it. I was so focused on my own worries about going public that I never paused to think that he wouldn't be on board as soon as I was.

I was a fucking idiot.

"Do whatever she wants," he repeated, looking at the floor. "I'm not ready."

He might as well have pulled out a gun and shot me in the chest. Blood poured out of the wound he left me with. Happiness poured out, hope poured out, everything poured out until I was just a shell. A shell of the boy I was before I met Harry and a shell of the man I was with Harry. I was empty and angry. Where love once resided I now only felt pain, and I would have given anything to go back to who I was before. To go back to the boy who had never been on a plane and who liked to sing but never thought he would amount to anything and who didn't know what it felt like to have his heart broken.

I didn't say anything, unable to speak. I just stared at him, willing him to look at me. Needing him to explain how I had been so wrong about him. About us. He finally looked at me, and he didn't look sad like I expected, but angry. Angry at me.

"It's not fair that you're asking me to do this Zayn. It's too soon. Do you know how much hate I get every day over what I wear? Over my hair? What do you think it would be like if this got out? They would crucify me. I'd love to be all laid back and mature about this, but the truth is I was a teenager a couple of weeks ago and now you're asking me to make a decision that will affect me for the rest of my life. It's not fair. I need more time."

He stood to walk off the bus and I followed, jumping in front of him and pushing my body against his.

"Don't do this Harry," I begged, gripping his shirt. "I know you. I know what you sound like when you come and what your tears taste like and what keeps you up at night and what makes you laugh harder than anything else. I know you, and the you that I know wouldn't give a fuck about this threat. Wouldn't do this to me."

He wrapped his hands around my wrists and pulled me off of his shirt, and for a moment I thought that he was going to pull me closer. But instead he took a step back, turned his back to me and walked away.

And just like that, I was back to the Zayn who was too afraid to make a move on Harry and who was too afraid to tell Harry that I loved him. Because why would he ever love someone like me? I hadn't realized the confidence I'd gained since I'd been with him, the confidence that came from being loved by someone like Harry, until it was snatched away from me. I felt small, forgotten and unloved.

"Please, don't do this to me," I yelled after him. "Anything would be better than you loving me and then leaving me like this. Please, Haz. Please come back to me and I promise that I'll make you happy."

He didn't turn around. I watched him leave until I was alone.


	37. Chapter 37

                                                                                    

_**HARRY:**  I'm sorry Zayn, but this is how it has to be for now. As soon as the tour is over we can put all this behind us and everything can go back to the way it was. I love you_

That was it. No drunken phone calls begging my forgiveness. No one crawling into my bunk in the middle of the night to tell me how wrong they'd been. Just that one text. That was all I got from Harry over the next few weeks, which were some of the worst of my life.

I didn't even know how he could expect me to go back to the way things were before. How could I, now that I knew that he didn't love me enough to tell anyone? I'd never been more confused, and the one person that I wanted to talk to wasn't around.

Harry must have hated the sight of me, because he had done everything he could to erase me from his life. He started riding on the crew's bus, and stopped coming to group meals. He left rehearsals as soon as they were over and exited rooms the minute I entered. The only time he was ever around me was when he had no choice, like during concerts and interviews.

I didn't understand how he could be moving on so fast when I was still living in the past, remembering every kiss we'd shared and all of the plans that we'd made. I could barely summon the energy to get out of bed, but Harry was always out partying, the tabloids documenting his every move. I read the gossip online every morning, torturing myself with thoughts of who he had been with and what they had done. Of whether he was having more fun with them than he used to have with me. Of whether he was thinking of me or missing me at all.

Concerts, which had been my favorite part of the job, were now torture. I started getting high before every show, unable to face Harry without some sort of shield. Not that it stopped the hurt that flooded through me every time I was near him. I could barely stand to look at him, and seeing that he was just as happy and vibrant as he always had been felt like a slap in the face. I wanted what we had been through to show on him like a bruise or a scar, but it didn't. He should have looked tired or sad or broken, just like I did. But he looked beautiful, which only made me feel more tired and sad and broken in comparison.

I walked through the shows like a zombie. I made sure that I sang all my parts and hit all my high notes and walked where the choreographer wanted me, but that was the extent of my effort. There was no way that I could joke or play around with the boys like I used to. I knew that if I let even one emotion out then they would all come pouring out of me. Better to keep everything locked inside.

The worst moments were when he would look over at me, cheeks indented by dimples and eyes shining, the same look he'd given me so many times before. A look that told me that he loved me. He'd look at me like that and for one glorious minute I'd forget all that had happened and smile back at him. Then reality would hit me and I'd be left reeling once again, pain creeping in past my armor.

Interviews were even worse. Flirt had always been Harry's default setting, and even though I told myself that he didn't mean anything by it, that it was just the way he was, it still hurt to see him smiling at each of the generically pretty hosts as if their face was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He gazed at them like he'd be able to figure out the meaning of life if he just made sure that they each fell in love with him by the time the interview was over. And they all did, one by one, giggling at his jokes and tossing their hair over their shoulders and sitting way too fucking close and focusing all of their questions on Harry as if the rest of us weren't even there. Harry lapped up the attention, he always had, only now he wasn't shooting me sweet glances or sending me funny texts to prove that while he may have them eating out of his hand, I was the only one who actually mattered to him.

Fortunately the other boys had all been great. No one mentioned Harry's absence on the bus, and they went out of their way to avoid the subject of him in general. I knew that they would've been there for me if I wanted to talk about everything, but the truth was that I didn't want to burden them or put them in the middle. This was exactly what Liam had been worried about, so I did my best to put on a brave face around them.

I'd expected Liam to comfort me with reason and for Niall to cheer me up by making me laugh, and they didn't let me down. But the biggest surprise by far had been Louis. After the first few days, days when no one dared come near me, days which are painful to think of and were excruciating to experience, he showed up at my hotel room. I almost shut the door in his face, knowing that he'd been the one to tell Perrie about seeing Harry, Jade and me together. But in the end I'm glad that I didn't turn him away.

"I owe you an apology Zayn."

"Fuck yeah ya do. Why would you tell Perrie about Jade? I know you don't give a shit about me, but why would you do that to Harry?"

"I'm sorry, I just...I just thought that she deserved to know. And I thought that Harry deserved better than you. I didn't realize that you really cared about him, but I can see now that you do. You're a fucking mess mate, and it's all my fault. I never should have interfered."

He looked like he was in pain over what he had done, and I didn't have the energy to stay mad at him anymore. Besides, hooking up with Jade hadn't been a smart idea in the first place, and if Louis hadn't told Perrie about it someone else probably would have. "Yeah, well the whole situation's all kinds of fucked up. And in the end it all comes down to the fact that Harry doesn't want me," I said, my voice breaking as I said his name.

Louis didn't say anything, probably realizing that there really was nothing to say that would make Harry's rejection hurt less. But he started showing up to my room more often after that, dragging me to dinner or just watching telly and smoking up with me. We never spoke about Harry, but it was nice having someone around who understood what it was like to love Harry more than he loved you.

One night I opened my door to find all three lads standing there, big grins on their faces.

I groaned at the sight of them. "What is this, an intervention?"

"Yep, we're all here to cheer you up and remind you how great it is to be single," Louis said as they pushed their way inside my room.

"Yeah, there's loads of good stuff about being single. Just look at me, I'm a legend," Niall interjected.

I rolled my eyes. "Nice try boys. You two," I said, pointing at Liam and Louis, "certainly don't seem to mind being in a relationship."

"It's all an act. Seriously. In the pie chart of my life, Eleanor is the main reason I drink."

I leaned against the wall and gave them all a skeptical look. "Yeah, and what's so great about being single?"

"You can run faster when yer not holding someone's hand. That's a proven fact," Niall said, and the absurdity of his statement and the matter of fact manner in which he delivered it made me laugh out loud. My laugh sounded unfamiliar to me, like it was tinged with rust from disuse. I tried to remember back to the last time I had found something funny and couldn't come up with anything.

I looked to Liam, wondering what he would have to say about the situation. "And you can...ummm....there's...Harry's just a dick," he finally spit out, and the fact that Liam of all people was at a loss for words and that he actually called Harry a dick and the way that they were all trying so hard to cheer me up combined to make something inside of me snap and before I knew it I was crying. I was horrified to feel the hot tears spilling from my eyes, falling so fast and so heavy that they were getting stuck in my eyelashes. I wiped at them frantically, more embarrassed than I could ever remember to be sobbing like this in front of them.

"S-sorry," I mumbled, taking in deep, desperate breaths through my mouth to try to get myself under control.  

Liam pulled me down so that I was sitting next to him on the bed. "It's alright mate. Hey," he said, putting his arm around me, "if you really want to cry, just imagine Louis naked. Children run away screaming from the sight of him."

I heard Louis scoff as Niall sat down on the other side of me. "Liam, shut yer mouth," he whispered over my head. "He's probably into that now, and we don't want him sitting in between us with a boner, now do we?"

And just like that, tears of pity were replaced by tears of laughter. They all joined in, and soon I found myself feeling lighter than I had in weeks. Still not good, but it was a start. A start that the guys weren't willing to see come to an end, insisting that I come out with them. I reluctantly agreed, partly because I was sick of feeling sorry for myself and partly because I guessed Harry would be there and I was a glutton for punishment. 

And I was right. Harry was there, so close to the entrance of the bar that he was the first person I saw when we walked in. And it did feel like I was being punished, forced to see him looking fit as fuck in a tight green t-shirt that showed off his biceps and made his eyes look even brighter than normal and knowing that he wasn't mine anymore. But that wasn't what had me unable to tear my eyes away from him. No, it was who he was with that had me staring. He was deep in conversation with none other than Perrie, and judging by how close they were standing and how angry they both looked, it wasn't a friendly one.


	38. Chapter 38

                                                                                    

Liam's firm voice cut through my confusion. "Zayn, go with Niall. I'll take care of them," he said before walking towards Harry and Perrie with a purposeful stride. I tried to keep an eye on them from over my shoulder as Niall pulled me towards the back of the bar, but I lost sight of them just as Liam stepped in between them.

"What the fuck was that about?" I asked no one in particular. Louis and Niall both just shrugged, obviously as clueless as I was.

"Don't worry about it Zayn, I'm sure Liam will have it all straightened out right away," Niall reassured me as Louis ordered us a round of drinks. I nodded, though I couldn't imagine what had possessed them to speak now, after months of ignoring each other.

Perrie and I had had exactly one conversation since Harry and I broke up, and I think we both came away from it with a better understanding of where the other person was coming from. I, for one, now understood for sure that Perrie was a lunatic, though our talk had made me see that she probably was a lot less malicious than I had given her credit for.

I'd headed straight for her tour bus on that horrible night when Harry had left me standing all alone. The shock of the break up hadn't fully hit me yet, but I had one question that I needed to ask her.

"Why?" I asked as soon as she met me outside the bus. "Why would you do this to me?" My voice was thick with emotion, but I was barely holding onto my sanity at that point, and I had no strength left to pretend to be strong.

"I'm sorry Zayn, I really am. But when it comes to Harry you've never seen reason. You've always wanted so badly to impress him and be like him, ever since the moment I met you. You can't see it, but you're not yourself when you're with him."

"Don't you see, I'm  _more_  myself when I'm with him. I'm the person I always wanted to be with him; the person I'm supposed to be."

"Zayn, you can't ever really be with him, you know that right? Management would never allow it, and how do you think the fans would react? How do you think your dad would react? Things would be so much easier, so much better, if you're with me."

I hated how true some of her words rang to me. I was all too aware of how much my father would hate me being with Harry, and I knew that things would be easier, much easier, if I was with her or someone like her. But easier didn't mean better, and I was still livid that she'd taken the decision out of my hands.

"It's not up to you Perrie, you can't just make us happen. I love Harry..."

"I know you love him Zayn, and that's why I had to step in, before you fell even harder for him. I knew that he wouldn't want to go public, and think how much worse this would feel further down the line. Now that you know the truth, that he doesn't love you, you can go back to the way things used to be. I know you're mad, but you cared for me before and I hope you will again. We were good together Zayn, and we can be again."

I just shook my head and backed away from her, her words playing on repeat in my head.  _He doesn't love you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you_.

I was snapped back to the present when Liam joined us at the bar, but he wouldn't tell me much, and I soon realized that I had more pressing concerns. Harry had taken a seat on the other side of the bar, directly across from us, and a steady stream of girls joined him for a drink.

The boys knew that this situation could easily become a disaster, and they did their best to distract me. I kept one eye on Harry's face though, watching to see if he was smiling too brightly or leaning in too much or flipping his curls with too much conviction. Watching to see if he was looking at someone else the way that he used to look at me.

In the end, it was Jade who finally tore my attention away from him. "Hey there stranger, how're you holding up?"

"Just barely," I admitted.

"I'm really sorry how everything went down. I never meant for Perrie to find out."

"I'm sorry too. I hope she wasn't too hard on you."

"No, I think you and Harry got the brunt of her anger."

We chatted for a bit longer. She was surprisingly easy to talk to, and I felt like we could have been friends if circumstances had been different. About halfway through our conversation I noticed that Harry had abandoned his groupies and joined our group. He started off standing near Louis, but seemed to inch closer with each passing moment.

I hadn't been this close to him in weeks, and I swear that I could feel my body responding to him more and more the closer he got. It was like there was a gravitational pull between us, and it grew stronger with each step he took towards me. So I couldn't really be blamed for wanting him to come even closer. And if I happened to notice that he seemed to be very focused on my conversation with Jade, then I certainly couldn't be blamed for touching her a bit more than may have been necessary.

Harry grimaced every time her hand brushed mine, and it looked like he was going to crush the glass he was holding when she put her hand on my shoulder. He was now near enough to us that I could hear him scoff and huff at every comment Jade made, but it wasn't until she wrapped her arms around me to give me a hug goodbye that Harry fully made his presence known.

"Well hello there Jade, how are you? You look different...did you do something with your hair?" he asked.

She released me and ran a hand over her hair. "Hi Harry. Yeah, I dyed it. You like?"

Harry nodded. "It looks...interesting. Makes you look older," he responded with an innocent look on his face, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

"Umm, thanks, I guess. Anyway, goodnight Zayn. We'll talk more soon," she promised as she kissed my cheek and headed out of the bar.

"She's put on a bit of weight, hasn't she? Can't believe how far downhill she's gone since we were with her." I could hear Harry speaking behind me, but I kept my eyes on Jade's retreating figure, needing a moment to gather my wits to face him for the first time since he'd broken my heart. But I guess I took too long, because when I turned around, Harry was gone.

I immediately jumped up, my eyes scanning the bar to see where he could've gone. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again as I realized that he hadn't actually wanted to talk to me, he just hadn't wanted me to talk to Jade. I sat back down, fighting against the fresh hurt coursing through me, when my phone vibrated against my thigh. 

_**HARRY:** Go to your room. I'll meet you there in 15 minutes_

I wanted so badly to tell him to go fuck himself, that he didn't deserve any of my time in private if he was so ashamed to be with me in public, but I couldn't make myself type the words. The truth was that I was desperate to see what he wanted to say and to just be close to him, even if only for a few minutes. I left the bar immediately and went straight to my room. After brushing my teeth and fixing my hair I paced back and forth, feeling more alive than I had in weeks.

I opened the door as soon as I heard his soft knock, and he rushed right in, a whirlwind of emotions hitting me as he stood only a few inches away from me and reached out to touch my arm. "I need you. Tonight, I need you," he said, his lips just barely grazing my own.

His hand grasping my elbow made me feel whole for the first time in ages, and if I hadn't known before I knew now that when it came to Harry, I'd take whatever scraps I could get. I needed him, like I needed air or music or my family, and I'd never not be there for him, whether as a friend or a fuck. Every fleeting glance, every stolen kiss, I'd take it and hold it and nurture it until it was something bigger than the both of us. I'd build up the smallest gesture from him, because they all meant something more to me than anything from anyone else ever could.

He ran his nose along my jaw, breathing me in. One of his hands slid to the back of my neck, just underneath the collar of my shirt, and the feel of his fingertips on my bare skin made me weak in the knees. I grasped one of his hips to keep myself steady, but my hand rubbing the hot skin above the waistband of his boxer briefs only made me feel weaker, like I was drunk and dizzy. Harry was stronger than any drug I'd ever tried, and one touch from him was enough to send me spinning.

"Tell me to stop if you want me to stop," he whispered. But I wouldn't. I couldn't.  _Stop_  and  _Harry_  couldn't exist in the same sentence for me. I wanted him to  _go go go_. I wanted him to want me as I wanted him. So there was no way I would ever tell him to stop.  _Go, Harry, go_. Go back to the boy who loved me and who wanted to share that love with the world, to shout it from the mountaintops.

"Don't stop. I need you too," I told him before closing the space between us. I pulled him forward until our bodies were flush against one another, and still it wasn't enough. I wanted to melt into him, to crawl inside his brain to find out why I wasn't enough and to dig into his chest cavity and wriggle my way into his heart until he loved me as much as I loved him. But I settled for kissing him, curling my tongue around his and memorizing everything about this moment.

I focused on all the little details, knowing that I would need to be able to recall them later, when I was alone and missing him once again. His hair seemed longer, and his muscles didn't feel as defined as they once had. I pulled back so that I could look at him, really look at him, and I saw that he didn't look as good as I'd thought he did from afar. Deep shadows were present under his eyes, and his cheeks looked more hollow than I was used to. He still looked beautiful, but there was a touch of the tragic to his beauty now that hadn't been there before, and I let myself imagine for a moment that he was hurting as much as I was.

It broke my fucking heart, that this gorgeous man was no longer mine, and for a horrible moment my vision blurred and I knew that tears were imminent. I took a deep breath and pushed them back, not willing to spoil this night, the one night he was allowing me, with crying. I'd save that for the next time he left me. 

He leaned in to kiss me again, before stepping back to undress me. He pulled my clothes off piece by piece, one by one, like he was unwrapping me, until I stood naked before him. Even after I was nude he still took his time, and it was so unlike how he usually was, so opposite of how I would have expected him to be after being apart from me for so long, that it made my heart feel like it was too big for my chest. Harry seemed to be savoring every inch of me just like I wanted to savor every inch of him.

He dropped to his knees and kissed his way down my chest and my stomach, and I once again had to hold back tears when I saw that he was paying special attention to the 11.4.2010 tattoo, the tattoo that I'd gotten for us. He kissed it gently as he looked up at me, and he had so much love in his eyes that for a minute it was easy to forget that he didn't want to be with me. I knew that I couldn't let my thoughts travel down that path, not now, so I dropped down to my knees so that we were on the same level.

I pulled his shirt off and took a second to drink him in. His skin was pale but flawless, and I loved the way our tattoos seemed to melt together as I wrapped him up in my arms. Soon he was naked as well, and he pressed me back on the bed carefully and gently, like he thought I was something precious and breakable.

He took me into his mouth, not with the purposeful motions of someone trying to make me come, but instead just licking me up and down slowly, until I was clutching the sheets and panting. He crawled back up my body and placed a kiss on my lips as he slid down onto my length. I was too weak with want to protest the lack of prep or protection, and I don't know that I would have anyway. The truth was it felt heavenly to be inside of him with no barrier, and as he grasped both of my hands for leverage and started to move, I had never felt physically closer to him.

He said my name over and over again as he rode me, but I bit my lip to keep myself quiet. I knew that if I allowed myself to say anything that  _everything_  could come spilling out, and I didn't want to risk scaring him away.  _Keep it together Zayn, keep quiet_  became my mantra, but as Harry shifted his hips and I thrusted up into him more deeply it became harder and harder to keep everything inside. As he started bouncing impossibly fast and I felt him clench around me and felt the familiar tingle in my spine and the coiling in my belly it all spilled out of me. Spurt after hot spurt of come and declaration after declaration of love came pouring out of me, until I was so spent that I could barely keep my eyes open.

Harry collapsed beside me, and I wrapped my arms around him, not willing to let him go yet. "I love you Harry. Stay with me," I murmured as sleep overtook me.

When I awoke, minutes or hours later, I wasn't sure, Harry was gone and I felt more alone than ever.


	39. Chapter 39

                                                                                    

Waking up to feel that the space next to me was empty, to realize that the sheets were cold, was the worst feeling in the world. I reached for Harry before I even opened my eyes, needing to confirm that our encounter hadn't been a dream, and when I discovered that he wasn't there I felt like my bones were dissolving, one by one, until I was a puddle of nothingness.

I looked around the dark room and I had never felt more empty or alone in my life. It was as if I could feel the walls closing in on me, and I had a premonition of my future: a future spent waiting for Harry, taking any scraps he would give me no matter what it cost me. The vision terrified me, and it caused me to spring into action.

I needed to kiss a stranger, I needed to punch a wall, I needed to make myself feel anything other than what I was feeling right now. I needed to get the fuck out of this room.

I dressed quickly, not bothering to grab my phone. I knew that I would be in deep shit for leaving the hotel this late at night without a bodyguard, but I couldn't care less. Maybe I wanted to be trampled to death by a mob of fans. That would surely be preferable to knowing that Harry didn't give a shit about me.

As soon as I walked out of the hotel I heard the sounds of the nearby ocean. I'd always been scared of the sea, but maybe that was what I needed. I needed to feel anything other than the hurt that'd been coursing through me since I'd woken up, hell since Harry had dumped me, and I knew that fear could mute all my other emotions.

The moon was non-existent, and after walking down the beach towards the water I was eclipsed in darkness. The hotel was directly behind me, but its lights were hidden by the dunes, and as I looked out over the vast expanse of water it was easy to pretend that I was the only person on earth.

I kicked off my trainers and dipped my toes into the water. I hadn't been in the water since the WMYB shoot, and the Atlantic wasn't nearly as cold as the Pacific had been. The relative warmth lured me into a false sense of security, and for the first time since I was a little boy I ventured out far enough to feel the water against my stomach. 

The tide was far stronger than I'd expected, and that, combined with the pitch blackness that surrounded me, made it hard to judge the timing of the waves. They came at me again and again, varying in size and strength, and I was soon knocked off my feet. I managed to keep my head above water for only a moment, the waves hitting me over and over and not allowing me to stand. As soon as I would get my feet under me another wave would hit and send me rolling, until I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down.

I'd just managed to get to my feet when a huge wave hit me from behind, forcing me down. My wet clothes seemed impossibly heavy and I couldn't catch my breath. The sand and rocks were rough against my skin, and salt water filled my lungs. I struggled to reach the surface, realizing that all my fears about the ocean, about its strength and the unknown creatures that could live in its depths, had been right. But still, in the back of my mind, I rejoiced in the fact that it was Mother Nature and not Harry that was finally killing me.

Just as the pressure in my ears and lungs became too much I felt strong hands pulling me out of the water by my collar. My first thought was the same one that I had every time I awoke from a bad dream:  _Harry. Harry was here to save me from this nightmare._

My hero dragged me, slowly but surely, out of the water, and my lungs felt like they were on fire. My eyes were burning from the salt water, and I swiped at them blindly as I struggled to speak.

"Harry, you came. You saved me."

"Sshhh Zayn, it's me, it's Perrie. You're okay now; I've got you."

I'd been expecting Harry's low rumble, so the sound of Perrie's high pitched voice snapped me out of my oxygen deprived stupor.

"Perrie? I thought you were...what're you doing here?"

"I saw you come out to the beach from my balcony. What are you doing out here? I could barely ever get you to go in the pool and now you decide to go for a midnight swim in the ocean?"

I couldn't hold back the tears that sprang to my eyes, too weak from struggling to stay upright against the tsunami that was Harry and the waves that had just battered my body to fight against the pain.

"I just...it's just too much. I feel too much, and I need it to stop. It hurts too bad," I cried.

Perrie knelt down on the sand and wrapped her arms around me. I clung to her, desperate for comfort.

"Jesus Zayn, you scared the crap out of me. I had no idea it had gotten this bad. Harry said something about it, but I didn't believe him."

I just stared at her, not sure what she was talking about in my confused state.

"I really thought I was doing a good thing Zayn, please believe me. I thought that you would get over your crush and come back to me. But you won't, will you?"

I shook my head, knowing that I never wanted to be with anyone but Harry even if he never wanted to be with me.

"I'm so sorry. I thought that he didn't want to be with you, but after what he said to me tonight and after seeing you like this, I know I don't have a chance with you."

"What're you saying?" I asked, trying to hold down the hope that was threatening to spread through me until I knew all the facts.

"Just...I won't interfere any more. Be with whoever you want to be with. I'll always be here for you,  _always_ , but if you don't choose me I won't do anything to stand in your way."

"You mean you won't release the picture, even if I'm with Harry?"

"I won't, I promise. But please Zayn, don't forget that he didn't choose you. I did. I was willing to do anything it took to be with you, but he wasn't. I really do love you, and as someone that loves you, I think you deserve better than him."

I nodded and held her a bit tighter, not trusting myself to speak. I was torn between overwhelming joy at the fact that Harry and I could be together without fear of exposure and hurt over the truth in her words. The bottom line was that Harry didn't want me enough to go public, so the question was whether he deserved to have me in private. As much as I loved every minute I spent with him the events of this evening had proved to me that I wasn't capable of having a casual relationship with him. He meant too much to me at this point for me to be anything but all in. When it came to Harry I needed all or nothing.

Perrie left before me, as I needed time to gather my thoughts. Looking out at the huge body of water in front of me made me feel incredibly small, and I knew that in the grand scheme of things whatever happened between Harry and me didn't really matter. He was my entire life, but to the rest of the universe our love amounted to less than a drop in the sea. No matter how important the fans and the media made every decision we made seem to be, it still really came down to two boys in love.

I finally headed back to the hotel, my heart feeling just as heavy as my wet clothes. I got plenty of strange looks as I made my way inside, but I ignored them, eager to be in the safety of my room.

I felt like I'd been on a roller coaster of emotions over the course of the evening, and I wanted nothing more than to smoke some weed and to chill out and forget all of my troubles. But no sooner had I undressed than I heard a knock on my door.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door to see Harry standing there, looking handsome and sad and like someone who was bound to break my heart all over again.

"What do you want Harry? Did you already hear?"

"Hear what? Nevermind, it doesn't matter. I'm here because I need you. I thought I could wait until after the tour, but I can't. I need you Zayn, all of you, and even if it means the whole world finds out about us, I want to be with you."

My heart soared at his words but my mind wasn't so willing to give in to him. "Now? Now you want me? What changed? What made you realize now that I matter?" I demanded, stepping closer and closer to him with each word as my anger started to get the best of me.

"Don't do that. You've always mattered to me, you know that. I was just scared, and I needed some time. I'm sorry Zee," he pleaded.

"You're sorry? Now, after a month of ignoring me, you're sorry? You abandoned me Harry. You left me all alone, thinking that you hated me. We hadn't been apart for more than a day since December, but you took that away from us. I was prepared to be by your side forever, to keep that streak going  _forever_ , but you weren't. We could've had so many kisses, and hugs, and sweet texts, and love letters during the past month, but you took that away from us," I said, jabbing him in the chest to punctuate each sentence, wanting him to feel a fraction of the pain that I had.

"I didn't though. Here, look at this," he insisted, thrusting the journal I'd given him into my hands. "I wrote in this every day. I wrote you letters every single day, telling you how stupid I've been and how sorry I am. Please don't think for one second that I ever stopped missing you or loving you."

"But...you went out every night. You couldn't stand to be in the same room as me..."

"I went out every night because I couldn't sit still without you by my side. I was miserable Zayn. I am miserable. Every second without you has felt like an eternity. Lou took away my phone every night, because she knew I would try to call you. Calum and Luke made me pay them every time I said you're name, because I haven't been able to stop talking about you. I'm pretty sure they've earned more money from me than they have from the tour. I've missed you so fucking much Zee."

I shook my head and backed away from him, wanting so much to believe him but not daring to.

"Please Zayn, you have to believe me. Look, look at this. I got this the day we got back from my mum's," he said, unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them down to show me the new tattoo on his hip. "Cause I knew that even though I was being a chickenshit, that we would be together one day. We have to be. I need you Zee."

I looked at the fresh ink in wonder.  _18.12.2013._ The date we played that fateful game of Truth or Dare. The date we first kissed. It was low on his hip, just below one of his ferns, and I knew that it would match up perfectly with mine if we were to embrace.

"You got this for me?"

"Of course it's for you. I know I've been an idiot, but my world was totally rocked on December 18th. That was the date that I realized that you were the most important thing to me, and I'll do anything to prove it to you. I'm sorry that I've been such a dick, but I was scared to tell the world about us. Honestly, I'm still scared, but not nearly as scared as I am of losing you. These past weeks have been awful, the absolute worst, and I know now that I can't live without you."

Seeing the tattoo, the one he got for me and about me, overwhelmed me. I hadn't realized how much I'd wanted him to get one for me until right then, but Harry had tattoos for  _everything_ , everything but me, so seeing this made me feel more than I ever would have imagined. I knew that logically it was ridiculous, but knowing that he was willing to permanently mark his skin with something that would always remind him of me made me feel like maybe I was as important to him as he was to me.

As angry as I still was with him, I knew then that I had to give him another chance. Another opportunity to love me in the way that I needed him to. To love me the way that I loved him.


	40. Chapter 40

                                                                                     

I knew that I was going to take Harry back, there was never really any doubt of that; my love for him a forgone conclusion. But while it was inevitable that I would never want to be without him, I needed some time to wrap my head around what he and Perrie had told me so I dropped my hand from his hip and took a step back. He tried to follow me but I held up a hand to stop him. "I just need to take a shower and think for a minute, okay?"

"Sure, whatever you want, that's fine. I'll take a shower with you," he said as he kicked off his boots and started to undress. I rolled my eyes in frustration. Only Harry could go from ignoring me completely to not being willing to let me out of his sight in just a few hours.

"No Harry, I can't...I can't be with you that way right now," I insisted, knowing that reason and logic would fly out the window if he so much as kissed me. I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened over the course of the evening, and I needed a moment to process it before I put myself in a situation that could lead to me being hurt again.

"We just had sex, like, an hour ago, I think I can resist you," he teased, and being reminded about how he'd left me alone was like a punch in the gut. I felt all too familiar tears pooling in my eyes, and I quickly turned towards the bathroom, not wanting him to see me like this.

He was at my side in an instant, pulling me into his arms and hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that like it sounded. Of course I always want to be with you that way. I just meant that I want to be close to you. I never want to be apart from you again, even if it's only while you're in the shower," he said, his breath tickling my neck and sending shivers down my spine.

His sweet words were exactly what I needed to hear, what I had been wanting to hear for the past month, but they only made me cry harder. Being in his arms was what I'd been wishing for the entire time we'd been apart, but having him this close terrified me at the same time. Being without him had been the worst experience of my life, and I didn't know if I could survive it again if he changed his mind and decided to leave me for a second time.

Harry placed gentle kisses along my shoulder and held me close until the sobs stopped racking my body. Once I finally recovered my Y chromosome I pulled away from him and rubbed my eyes, embarrassed that I'd broken down so completely in front of him. I didn't want him to know how much I had fallen apart in his absence. He didn't let go of me, sliding his hands down to my hips.

As I looked at him I noticed that his eyes were red as well and that he had a guilty look on his face. My heart immediately dropped to my stomach and I felt my blood run cold. I pushed him off of me as my mind started racing with thoughts of why he was making that goddamn face.

"Oh my god, you didn't...did you...you hooked up with someone else, didn't you?" I finally managed to spit out, feeling like I was about to be sick as I imagined how he might have been spending his nights while we were apart.

"What? God no! How could you possibly think that? I would never- you're the only one that I want to be with. I could never do that to you!" he yelled, running his fingers through his hair.

"Then why do you look so guilty?"

"I look guilty because I feel guilty. Guilty that I've upset you so badly. I thought you knew that I was just staying away from you because there was no way I could be near you and not touch you and be with you. It breaks my heart to realize that this whole time you've been thinking that I didn't want you. Nothing could be further from the truth. And fuck Zayn, you should know that I would never cheat on you!" he shouted before taking a deep breath. "I mean, I know we were technically on a break, but I've watched enough Friends to know that it would still count as cheating," he said as he stepped closer to me, obviously wanting to lighten the mood.

I smiled a little, but it didn't reach my eyes. "I'm sorry that I jumped to conclusions, but you have no idea how hard it's been having to watch you go on with your life while all I could think about was you. You were able to laugh and smile while I felt like I could barely breathe without you. When you walked away from me that night I felt like I was paralyzed. Like all I could do was stand there while my heart broke into a million pieces. And then the next morning I woke up and for a minute I forgot what'd happened. And then I realized that your arms weren't wrapped around me and my heart broke all over again. That's what it's been like every single day, and I can't go through that again.

"You're the only person I see when I walk into a room Harry. You're the only person that I want to tell my secrets to, or to laugh with...you're the only person that I know I can't live without. I could never have walked away from you like that.  _Never_. So I need to know: when did you decide? When did you decide that I was important enough to be with even if it meant that people would find out? Cause you've always been that important to me."

I felt like it was the longest speech I'd ever made, and as much as I was ashamed for him to learn how broken I'd been without him, I had to be honest. If knowing how I truly felt would keep him from leaving me again, then I couldn't hold back the truth anymore.

"You've always been important enough Zayn. I just thought that if we could wait until the tour was over that then everything could go back to the way it was. I kept trying to hold out for one more day, and then another, but the need to be with you has been getting stronger and stronger every second we've been apart. You've been all I could think about. And as soon as we kissed tonight I knew that I'd do whatever it took to never have to go another day without kissing you, ever."

I brought my hands to his face, wanting so badly to kiss him right that instant but still needing answers. "Then why'd you leave me tonight? When I woke up and you were gone, fuck Harry, you have no idea how fucking bad that hurt."

"But I didn't leave, not really. I mean I did, but only so that I could run to my room to get the journal. I wanted to show it to you so you would see that I meant it, that I'm okay with everyone knowing about us. But I forgot to take your room key with me and you've looked so tired lately that I didn't want to wake you up. I went to the front desk to get a key but they wouldn't give me one, and when I got back up here you were gone. I tried to call you but you didn't answer, so I went to search for you. I went to the bar, to all the guys' rooms, I even woke Jade up - I think I frightened her tearing through her room looking for you, and I would have murdered you both if you'd been there - but I couldn't find you anywhere. I was scared to death about where you could be. I had half a mind to call the authorities when you finally answered your door."

I smiled for real as he rambled on. "I thought you'd left me again," I admitted as I wrapped my arms around him.

"Never," he breathed against my neck. "I'll never leave you again. I never should have walked away from you in the first place. It was a dick move, and I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm madly in love with you, including telling the world about us," he said as he pulled back to look me in the eyes. "I want to tell my mum first. It's after seven there; if we Skype her now we can catch her before she goes to work."

My heart started beating faster as I took in what he was saying. "We can't tell your mother right now!"

"Why not? You're my boyfriend again, right?"

"Yeah, but..."

"No buts. I want to introduce my boyfriend to my mum. I should've done it last month, and I don't want to wait another minute to correct that mistake."

As much as I wanted him to tell his parents about us, and as much comfort as having them know about us would give me, I couldn't let him do this without telling him everything else that had happened since he'd left my bed.

"You don't have to tell her Harry. You don't have to tell anyone," I started as he shot me a questioning look. "I spoke with Perrie tonight, and she's not going to release the picture of us, even if I'm with you. She promised me she wouldn't."

A huge grin spread across Harry's face as he jumped up from where he'd been setting up the laptop. "That's fantastic! Why didn't you tell me straight away?"

I shrugged, not wanting to admit that I hadn't been sure of when I would've told him. I didn't want Harry to only be with me because the threat of exposure had been removed, and I knew that I never would have been able to get over my insecurities if we'd only gotten back together after he'd found out about Perrie's change of heart.

He must have sensed the direction my thoughts were going in, because he managed to say the one thing that I really wanted to hear. "You know what, it doesn't matter. I'm glad that Perrie no longer has any control over us, but I'm still telling my mum. I want her to know how much I love you."

"You can't Skype her now, with me in the room!"

"Why not?"

"Cause I'm naked, and my hair's a mess," I pouted, causing Harry to burst out laughing. "It's not funny. Anyways, you should tell her when I'm not around, in case she gets upset."

"Babe, she may be surprised, but she won't be upset. She loves you too," he said gently. "Would you prefer I tell her by myself?" he asked and I nodded. "Alright, but please stay in the room, okay? I meant it when I said I didn't want to be apart from you."

My heart warmed at his words, and I rushed to give him a kiss before retreating to where the camera couldn't see me. Harry looked fairly calm, but I was incredibly nervous, and part of me hoped that she didn't answer. She did though, and my palms started to sweat at the sound of her cheerful voice.

I couldn't believe that just a few hours before I'd been worried that I'd never be with him again and now he was about to tell his mother that we were in love. Harry was a force to be reckoned with, a tornado that had barreled its way into my heart and turned my world upside down, and I didn't think he'd ever stop knocking me off my feet. I just hoped that I could hang on and enjoy the ride. 


	41. Chapter 41

                                                                          

Hearing Anne's voice through the speakers did nothing to calm my nerves. In fact they seemed to increase tenfold as I realized that this was actually going to happen.

"Harry! I've missed you my sweet boy."

"Hi mum, how're you? I've missed you too."

"I'm good love. You're looking well. You've looked so down the last few times we've spoken, are you feeling better?"

"I'm much better mum. And I've got something to tell you," Harry began, and I suddenly felt so sick to my stomach that I had to sit down. I had no idea how Harry could be sitting there with a smile on his face as if he wasn't about to drop a bomb, and I wondered if that confidence came from knowing that you were unconditionally loved. I hoped that one day I would know what that felt like.

"I'm actually seeing someone, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love. Actually, I know I'm in love."

"Oh hon, finally! I knew you'd settle down sometime. Who is she? Is it that girl from Little Mix I saw you in the papers with?"

"No, it's actually someone you know, and you probably never expected me to be with them, but I hope you'll be okay with it because I've never been happier," he told her, and at this point I was so nervous that I almost slammed the laptop shut before he could say anything else. Harry could probably sense me falling apart, because he shot me a wink to let me know that while I might have been scared of her reaction, he wasn't. His calm demeanor settled me down a bit, and was the only thing that kept me in my seat.

"I'm sure I'll be okay with it. Don't keep me in suspense you naughty boy, out with it!"

"Ummm, don't freak out, okay? It's Zayn. Zayn's the person I'm in love with."

There was a moment of silence from Anne, and Harry's confidence seemed to falter a bit. But after the longest sixty seconds of my life she began to speak, and her gentle tone immediately seemed to put him at ease.

"Harry, that's wonderful, it really is. I'm...I'm a bit surprised, but I've been waiting years for you to fall in love, and you know how much I care about Zayn. As your mother of course I want everything to be easy for you, and I'm worried that some people may be unkind to you about this, but I will always be on your side, no matter what. If this is what you want and he makes you happy then I'm happy too."

Harry's responding smile was radiant, and he was practically bouncing with excitement. "I'm so glad to hear you say that mum. I love you so much, and you have no idea how much he means to me. I could gush about him all day but he's right over there and I don't want him to get too cocky."

My heart literally stopped at his words and I hopped up, looking for the quickest escape route. But Harry, little fucker that he was, grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the sofa he was on before I could leave the room. He yanked me down, practically on top of him, and I quickly scooted off his lap before putting my head in my hands. I could not believe that I was sat in front of his mother - my boyfriend's mother - wearing only a towel and still looking a total mess from my mishap in the ocean.

"Well hello there, Zayn."

"Hi Anne," I said, still not daring to look at the screen. Harry pulled my hands off of my face and I swear I had never blushed so hard. "I'm so sorry about my outfit-"

"Or lack of outfit really," Harry interjected. I elbowed him in the ribs, but he just smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulders to bring me closer.

"I'm really sorry, if I had known we'd be chatting I would have dressed up or something."

"Or at least dressed," Harry laughed. "He likes to be naked almost as much as me mum!" he said, and I wanted nothing more than to melt into the couch and disappear forever. I settled for burying my face in his neck, because as much as I wanted to throttle him, I loved that he really did seem intent on not just telling but also showing his mother that we were a couple.

Cuddling with him in front of his mum led to another vision of what our future could be like, one so different and so much better than the one that had haunted me earlier that it made my insides flutter. I pictured Harry and me, together as boyfriends in every sense of the word, boyfriends who were out in the open and weren't afraid to hold hands or kiss no matter who was watching. I could see us relaxing in a park on a sunny day, me with my head in his lap as he read me poetry. I could see us throwing dinner parties for all of our friends, Harry cooking while I manned the stereo. We would post pictures of us on Instagram, all those cuddly photos we'd taken at his house, or any of the many pictures that I hoped we'd take together in the future. I wanted to document every stage of our relationship, and I wanted to show it off to the world.

"Oh my goodness, you two are too cute...I'm really happy for you boys. I need to head to work, but we'll talk more later. Zayn, I expect you to take good care of my baby, you hear me?"

"I will Anne, I promise," I said, and I meant it. I did plan on taking care of him, hopefully forever, just as soon as I got through punishing him for this little stunt.

"Bye mum, love you lots!" Harry said as he signed off. He turned to me with a grin, that shit-eating grin of his that I loved so much.

"You are in so much trouble Styles," I said, my voice low as we both stood up and I glared at him. "I cannot believe you did that, and you're gonna pay for it."

"Well, I'm not sorry at all. Though I am fully prepared to be punished like the bad boy I am. Where do you want me Daddy?" he asked as he stretched out on the bed.

I tried to keep a straight face but failed miserably. "I cannot believe that I'm dating a pervert," I said, shaking my head as he continued to strike a pose on the bed.

Harry pouted. "Yeah, but I'm your pervert...and your dork..."

"And my everything," I finished for him, earning a smile that lit up his face.

"Snuggle?" he asked, spreading his arms.

I shook my head and crossed my arms. "You don't deserve my snuggles."

"Come on babe, just a little cuddle and then you can punish me any way you want..."

I liked to think that I was a person of strength and character, but there was no way I could refuse an offer that enticing. "As long as you know this doesn't mean you're off the hook," I warned as I lied down on the bed and scooted back into his embrace.

Harry wrapped an arm around my chest and kissed the back of my neck. "Mmmm, you have no idea how much I've missed holding you."

"What else did you miss about me?" I asked, still needing reassurance that he'd been thinking about me while we were apart.

"I missed everything about you. I hated seeing you moping around and not being able to kiss your pout away. It's my job to cheer you up and make you feel good, and it killed me to know that I'd hurt you. But then sometimes I'd see you laughing with Niall or hugging Liam, and that hurt too, because I wanted it to be me that was hugging you and making you laugh. I missed kissing you and sleeping with you, but most of all I missed talking to you. You're the only person I can really be myself around, and every time something funny or weird happened I would think 'I can't wait to tell Zayn about this' and when I remembered that I couldn't tell you I ended up not telling anyone. You're the only one I want to tell my stories too."

I had rolled onto my back as he spoke so that I could look at him, and he looked so sweet and sincere that I just had to kiss him. His lips felt so good against mine, and I could feel all the tension leave my body as he licked his way into my mouth.

He pulled away all too soon and looked down at me with a little smirk. "What'd you miss about me?"

I huffed, feigning annoyance at his question. "Not much. I certainly didn't miss you putting your cold feet on me every night, and I quite liked being able to stretch out in my bunk."

Harry laughed gleefully and rolled on top of me. "More, tell me more!"

"I definitely didn't miss playing with your hair and watching you fall asleep, and it was quite nice to not have to read any of those shit texts you used to send me," I told him, smiling as he dipped his head to kiss my neck. His weight felt so good on top of me, and I slid my arms around his back to bring him closer. "But seriously, there's not one thing about you that I didn't miss Hazza."

"You'll never have to miss me again, cause I'm not going anywhere," he promised as he pulled back to look at me.

"Kiss me," I breathed. Harry listened immediately, bringing his lips to mine in a gentle kiss. I tilted my head as I opened my mouth, needing more. I rolled us over and sat up so that I was straddling his hips, and Harry wasted no time in ripping my towel off.

"That's better," he said as he looked me up and down. I didn't say anything, too eager to undress him. He pulled off his shirt as I scooted back to unbuckle his pants. As soon as they were off I crawled back on top of him, running my hands along his firm chest and loving the feeling of him beneath me.

I leaned down to taste his neck. "Tomorrow I'm gonna punish you, but tonight I just need to love you," I said in between kisses.

"As long as I get to love you right back," he whispered as he pulled me closer until I was lying completely on top of him. I rolled my hips against his and he moaned into my mouth, so I did it again, and again, and again, until his hands were gripping my ass and he was begging for me to be inside him. I wanted him just as badly, so I lubed up as quickly as I could before kneeling in between his spread legs and sinking into him.

"Fuck, you feel so good," I groaned as I leaned forward until my face was hovering over his. I grasped both of his hands where they lay by his head, and I didn't let go of them as I rotated my hips in a figure eight motion, pulling out all the way before sliding back in as deeply as I could.

Harry's back arched off the bed with every thrust, and I could feel his hard dick rubbing against my stomach. He was so tight and so hot and I didn't know how I had survived a whole month without him.

"You're so beautiful Zayn. I love you so much, you know that right?" he asked, and I could only nod in response, too overwhelmed by the pleasure consuming my body and the love consuming my heart.

I wanted this to last forever, but he was getting tighter and tighter around me, so I pumped into him as fast as I could, wanting, no needing to come with him. I squeezed his hands as I felt the pressure building and I leaned down further to kiss him as my thrusts became sloppier. It felt so fucking good, and when he wrapped his legs around me and I felt him coming against my chest, I let go, moaning his name over and over as he moaned mine.

I stayed inside of him for a moment as we recovered, wanting to hold on to this feeling. Harry kissed my damp forehead as I pulled out of him, and nuzzled into my neck as I lied beside him. I fell asleep with his hand in mine and a smile on my face as he whispered how much he loved me into my ear.


	42. Chapter 42

                                                                                    

It felt like I had only just shut my eyes, but I could feel the sunlight on my face through the window so I knew I must've been asleep for longer than I thought.

Harry was obviously awake, or at least having a very naughty dream, because I could feel him rutting against me. I smiled at the idea that he could be humping me in his sleep, but then I felt his hot breath in my ear and I knew that he was awake.

"Wake up baby..."

I elbowed him to get him to back up off me. "No. Sleep now, sex later," I groaned, and I could feel him laughing against my back.

"But I'm booored. And I need to ask you something."

"Later," I mumbled, pulling the pillow over my head, but Harry quickly removed it and threw it across the room. "You just keep adding to your list of offenses, don't you? What could you possibly want to ask me this early in the morning?"

He raised himself up on one elbow to look down at me. His hair was a wild mess and he had the cutest smile on his face, making it damn near impossible for me to stay mad at him. Bedhead Harry was one of my favorite Harrys, and I loved waking up next to him.

"A) it's noon, you lazy bum. And B) when do you want to call your mum and dad? To tell them about us?"

My stomach immediately started hurting at the thought of breaking the news to my dad. "I really think I should tell them in person Haz."

"But when's the next time you're going to see them? It could be forever," he grumbled.

"How 'bout I fly them in the next time we have a day off? A free trip is probably the only way I'll convince them to be in the same room as each other anyways."

He smiled. "Can I be there when you tell them?"

I grimaced. "I dunno if that's a good idea love. My dad..."

"Please babe? I know this will be hard, and I want to be there for you," he said, looking at me with big eyes.

"Okay okay, damn," I relented. "You know I can't say no to that face."

"I do know that, and I fully plan to take advantage of that fact over the next, I don't know, sixty or seventy years."

I rolled on top of him, holding him down. "Oh you do, huh? What am I gonna do with you Styles?"

"Love me?" he asked hopefully.

"I was actually thinking more along the lines of punishing you..."

Harry's eyes lit up at that, so I knew that I needed to step up my game.

"What exactly do you have in mind Malik?" he asked as he ran his hands up and down my sides.

I nipped at the spot just under his ear that drove him crazy. "How about," I bent down to swirl my tongue around his nipple "you make me come," I moved to his other nipple "again and again," I kissed down his chest to his hip bones "and you," I licked my way from one hip to the other "don't get to come at all," I finished, raising my head to look at him with a smirk.

His head was raised up off of pillow, a horrified expression on his face. "That's not funny Zayn."

"Hey, you're the one who said I could punish you any way I wanted," I reminded him.

"Yeah, but I thought you were gonna tie me up or spank me or something, not ask me to do the impossible!"

I laughed. "You do know what the definition of punishment is, don't you? Besides, think how much fun you'll have satisfying me."

"You are truly evil," he whined, bucking his hips up against me to emphasize just how against this plan he was.

I chuckled. "Maybe if you do a really good job I'll reconsider my stance. How's that for motivation?"

One side of his mouth quirked up in a smile. "You better prepare yourself then, cause I'm about to put on a show." With that he flipped me over so that I was flat on the bed on my stomach, and he was on top of my legs. He didn't waste any time, tonguing me with no preamble.

"Fuck Haz, you're really going for the gold aren't you?" I groaned. He responded by moving his tongue faster, and I lost the ability to say anything else. I buried my face in the pillow as he buried his tongue in me, his hands gripping my ass and forcing me to rub my cock against the bed.

The sensation was still new and unfamiliar, but between his mouth and his hands he had my toes curling in minutes. I spread my legs further and gripped the sheets, ready to let go completely, when Harry suddenly pulled away from me.

"Why do you taste so salty? I meant to ask you last night, but-"

"What?! I- I went in the ocean-"

"You did? That's awesome! Can we go in together?"

"Haz! Focus," I ordered, reaching back to move him where I wanted him.

"Oops, sorry babe. Lemme make it up to you." And make it up to me he did, diving in with even more vigor than before. He added a finger after a moment and as soon as he found my spot I was done for.

I felt delirious, only able to focus on how good this all felt. I bit the pillow and squeezed my eyes shut, coming against the sheets with what felt like the longest orgasm of my life.

I was too weak to move, but I felt the bed dip when Harry climbed up to lay next to me, and I managed to turn my head to face him.

"How'd I do?" he asked with a cocky grin.

"Oh, you earned a gold star. A-plus babe," I murmured.

Harry's smile got bigger. "You know what that means," he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Sorry love, but you're gonna have to wait. You wore me out with that wicked tongue of yours. It's got talent."

He managed to pout and groan and huff all at the same time, and I rolled onto my back as he kicked his legs in frustration. Once glance down his naked body told me that he most certainly, absolutely, was not in the mood to wait, and I started to feel bad. But not bad enough to move from my comfortable position, since I was so relaxed I felt like I was about to melt into the bed at any moment. So I decided to throw him a bone.

"You could always take matters into your own hands," I suggested. He brightened immediately, and his hand was on his dick in record time. I scooted closer so that I could kiss his shoulder and whisper all the dirty things I wanted to do to him. He looked so sinful stroking himself that it took my breath away. I had missed him so fucking much, and now I couldn't get enough of him, like I needed to make up for lost time. I kissed him as he came, loving the way he moaned my name into my mouth.

Our phones both buzzed as soon as we'd finished, Paul having texted to let us know that the bus was leaving in thirty minutes. I texted him back to ask him to arrange for my parents to come in for a quick visit later this week, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. I wasn't that worried about telling my mum, but my father was another story. I did my best to push these negative thoughts away, knowing that Harry was worth a little family drama.

"You know you're riding on our bus again, right? It's your obligation as my boyfriend," I told him.

"Of course. Though I'm not that excited to see the rest of the guys."

"Why not?"

"They're all pretty mad at me, especially Niall."

This was news to me. "What're you talking about?"

"Niall told me off right after...everything happened. And he hasn't spoken to me at all since."

My eyes widened in surprise. "I didn't know that. I thought you were just keeping your distance from me and that's why you weren't around any of us much."

"Oh no, Niall had some pretty choice words for me. I thought he was going to hit me for a minute."

I smiled. It felt good to know that Niall had my back, and I made a mental note to give my little leprechaun an extra big hug the next time I saw him.

"Don't worry Harry, I'm sure everything can go back to normal now that we're doing good," I reassured him.

"I hope so. I have a lot of making up to do, with you and the boys. I've been such a dick, and I'm so glad we're back together. You have no idea how much I missed you. I even missed having my clothes smell like cigarettes, and how you always burp when you drink soda. Nobody burps like you babe."

I rolled my eyes. "You always say the sweetest things after sex. But I know what you mean. I missed how pretty you are. My pretty little princess," I teased as I ran my hand along his cheek. "And I missed your corny jokes. I think I went into withdrawal."

Harry nodded. "Hazza withdrawal. It's a common affliction," he said as he pulled me up so that we could get ready for the rest of the day. I couldn't take my eyes off of him as we did so, laughing as he managed to bump into every piece of furniture in the room while getting dressed and smiling as he fussed with his hair, refusing to use a brush. I was grateful beyond belief that he was mine again.

When Harry and I had been apart I'd ached in places that I hadn't known existed before he left me. It didn't matter how much weed I smoked or how many beers I drank, I still couldn't fall asleep without first going over all the clues that I had missed and all of the things that I could have done to make him love me more.

I was still mad at him for not believing in me - for not believing in us - enough to stand up to Perrie's threats, but I did understand where he was coming from. I'd already decided that I loved him more than I hated what he did, and I felt myself forgive him more and more with every hug and kiss and kind word he'd given me since he came back to me.

We still had a lot of obstacles in front of us, but I was in this for the long haul, no matter what. So I made a conscious decision to trust that he wouldn't leave me again, and I pushed all my worries about the future out of my mind. Instead I chose to focus on all of the good things that were hopefully ahead of us - traveling the world, moving in together, marriage, maybe even a couple of kids - and I held onto Harry's hand a little tighter as we walked down to the hotel lobby, ready to face our friends and our future as a team.


	43. Chapter 43

                                                                                    

I let go of Harry's hand when we got off the lift, figuring we shouldn't push our luck. But I was happy when he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. This way we could be close enough for our friends to see that we were back together, but fans would just see us as being affectionate like all us boys were.

The other guys were already on the bus when we got there. Liam and Louis both looked a bit surprised to see us together, but Niall actually looked quite angry. He stood up as we approached the group, holding hands once again.

"So what's this then?" Niall asked, motioning between Harry and me. I stayed quiet, preferring that Harry field the tough questions.

"I've apologized to Zayn and asked him to take me back. It took a lot of begging, but eventually he succumbed to my charms," Harry said with a smile before turning more serious. "I really am sorry for everything I put him through, and I'm so glad that you all were there for him. I won't screw up again, I promise."

Niall nodded. "Just don't forget what I said before," he warned Harry, poking him in the chest. I immediately wrapped my arm around him and pulled him into a big hug, or as big a one as I could manage since Harry wouldn't let go of my hand.

"Thanks Ni. I love you," I whispered in his ear. He was blushing a bit and didn't look as angry when I pulled away.

"I'm just glad to see you smiling again Zayn. I haven't seen you this happy since before you two went away for that weekend of gay love."

"We went to Harry's mum's. I told you that."

"So you're telling me that no cocks were sucked that weekend?" he asked, making me blush and Harry laugh.

"Come here and give me a hug sunshine," Harry demanded, trying to wrap his arm around him.

Niall pushed him away. "Oh my god, you're hitting on me, aren't you? I know how you gays are," he teased.

"You're such a dick," I said, rolling my eyes and trying not to laugh.

"Hey, you like dicks."

"Only Harry's," I responded, sitting on the sofa and pulling him onto my lap. "And mine. I'm quite fond of my dick."

"It  _is_  an exceptional dick," Harry agreed as he wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. The other guys all groaned and pelted us with whatever nearby objects they could find. I smiled brightly, happy that things had gone back to normal.

***

As the days went by, I realized that things were actually way better than normal. Not only were all of us getting along, Harry having been welcomed back into the group and Louis now being more supportive of the new relationship dynamics, but things were better than ever for Harry and me. 

We seemed to have come to an unspoken agreement that while we weren't quite ready to go public, when we were just around the crew we were going to do exactly what we wanted to do. And what we wanted to do was be as close to each other as possible. If we weren't giving each other piggy back rides then we were holding hands, and when we weren't kissing we were hugging. Harry seemed just as eager to be by my side as I was to be by his, and I had never been happier.

The guys all made fun of how attached we were, teasing Harry as he climbed into my bunk every night, but I could tell that they were happy for us. I'd always been able to sleep pretty much anywhere, but Harry had become my favorite pillow. It didn't matter if we were on the bus or in a dressing room, I wasn't truly comfortable unless I could feel his heartbeat under my ear. He didn't seem to mind me resting on him. He never complained about having to have whispered conversations or only being able to use one hand to text, since the other one was where it belonged: wrapped around me. Several times I woke up to find him in pain, his arm or leg having fallen asleep, but he never once woke me up so that he could move, and if that isn't love then I don't know what is.

We still avoided being around Little Mix and especially Perrie whenever possible, but Harry and I started hanging out backstage during parts of the 5 Seconds of Summer shows. We'd stand just offstage, so that we could see them perform but the audience couldn't see us. Harry would stand behind me, arms wrapped around my waist and chin resting on my shoulder, and we'd sway along to the music. He would sing along in my ear, pausing only to pepper my face with kisses. Amnesia in particular resonated with us, reminding me of how I'd felt while we'd been apart, and reminding us to never let go of each other again.

Harry had also kept his promise about never wanting to go another day without kissing me. One morning he'd had to leave before I'd woken up since he had a series of solo interviews to do, and he was gone most of the day. We'd been texting constantly and nothing seemed amiss, so I was surprised to see him fly onto the bus just before midnight, flustered and out of breath. He practically launched himself at me, landing on top of me on the sofa with a thud that knocked the breath out of my lungs. 

He grabbed my cheeks and he looked so desperate that I was scared for a minute. But then he began kissing me, again and again, connecting his lips to any part of me he could reach. "I was so scared that I wasn't going to make it back before midnight. I need to kiss you Zee. Everyday, I need to kiss you," he whispered in between kisses.

The only thing putting a damper on our reclaimed bliss was the impending visit from my parents. All too soon Harry and I were on our way to a restaurant to meet up with them. Paul had reserved a private room for us at my request, figuring that we needed to be a bit secluded for the conversation that was about to take place but not wanting to be somewhere so private that my dad wouldn't feel the need to keep his temper in check.

I was a nervous wreck on the way there, and though I did my best to put on a brave face for Harry, I think he could tell that I was tense. He kept an arm around me for the whole ride, resting his head on my shoulder and holding me tight. He'd dressed up for the occasion, his shirt buttoned all the way to his collar and his pants not even a little tight, which was so unusual for him that it was almost comical. He looked adorable with his hair pulled back into a little bun, and I loved him more than ever for the effort he was making.

My mum rushed out to meet us when we arrived, and though she'd probably suspected what I was about to tell her, she knew for sure when she saw that Harry was with me. She greeted him like he was her long lost son as well, and I picked her up and spun her around in a circle when we hugged, wanting her to feel how much I loved and appreciated her. She looked anxious when we broke apart, and I knew that she had the same fears as I did about telling my dad. She didn't say anything though, just took mine and Harry's hands and led us to the little room at the back of the restaurant. Her courage made me feel a bit braver too.

My dad was sitting at the table when we arrived, the pre-ordered meal having already arrived. He looked surprised to see that I wasn't alone, but he stood and shook Harry's hand before shaking mine and giving me a hard pat on the back. My mum sat down next to him and I took a seat across from her, Harry by my side.

I knew that it would be wise to start with some pleasantries, to work myself up to the big news, but I was so nervous that I wanted, no I  _needed_  to get it over with as soon as possible.

"It's so good to see you both. I've missed you, and I really appreciate you flying out on such short notice. I'm sure you're, uh, wondering why I wanted to talk to you in person, but a lot's been going on in my life lately, and I wanted to share some news with you."

I paused, wishing that I had written out a speech or something. I'd been trying to think of the best way to tell them all week, but now that the moment of truth was here I felt incredibly tongue tied.

"So, you both know that the whole engagement thing with Perrie isn't true, but I am in a relationship with someone. It's really serious, and I am happier than I ever could've imagined, so of course I wanted to tell you about it. The only thing is that, ummm, it's someone that you might not expect me to be with, so I guess I'll just come out and say it. Harry and I are together, and I love him very much."

I looked over at Harry with a small smile, feeling unbelievably relieved that I had gotten the words out. My relief was short lived though. When I looked back to my parents I saw that my mother's hand was on my dad's shoulder, as if she was trying to physically restrain him. He was fuming, mouth open and nostrils flaring. But he wasn't looking at me. He was directing his anger at Harry.

"You," he started, voice shaking with anger as he pointed at Harry. "You little faggot. What the fuck did you do to my son?" he yelled before launching himself across the table towards him. The force with which he flew at him knocked Harry out of his chair, and before I knew what was happening they were sprawled on the floor, my father on top of Harry with his hands wrapped around Harry's neck.

I tackled him as I heard my mum yelling in the background. I landed on top of him and couldn't stop my fist from connecting with his face, furious that he'd had the nerve to attack my boyfriend.

"How dare you touch him! Don't you ever fucking touch him!" I yelled, and I hadn't realized that I'd started crying until I tasted my tears. Harry pulled me off of my father and I stood up and clung to him as I stared down at the man that I was ashamed to call my blood.

He wiped at the cut on his mouth and glared at me. "What happened to you Zayn? How did you become such a disgrace to this family?" he asked, his voice full of hate.

"The apple fell where you dropped it dad, so screw you. If you can't accept the fact that I'm in love with Harry then I'm done with you. Say goodbye to your cash cow," I sneered as I started to walk out of the restaurant. My mother rushed out behind me as Harry went to speak with the manager, probably paying him to keep everything quiet.

Once I got outside I turned to face my mum. I was still pissed but the hurt was starting to creep in, and the sight of her in tears wasn't helping.

"I'm so sorry mum-"

"No, Zayn, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that he reacted that way and said those things. I love you so much and I'm proud of you for following your heart. I love you both and I'm always going to be here for you," she added as Harry joined us.

I kissed her head and held her tight. "Thank you mum, I love you, so much. I'm sorry, but I've got to get out of here. I can't see him right now - I don't know what I'll do if he tries to hurt Harry again," I told her as I wiped her tears away with my thumbs.

"Don't worry love, I'll take care of him. I love you - I love you both - and I'm happy that you've found each other. We'll talk later, okay?"

I nodded and climbed into the car that Harry must have called to pick us up. As soon as the door was shut behind him I broke down completely.

"I'm so sorry babe. I'm so sorry he put his hands on you. I never should have let him touch you or say those things. Are you okay?"

"Zayn, please don't worry about me. I'm sorry he acted that way, but I'm sure he'll come around. Please don't be sad love," he said as he pulled me onto his lap. I cried against his shoulder, unable to stop my tears. I was embarrassed and angry and unbelievably hurt that my father had responded like that, but the way that I'd felt when I heard him saying those terrible things to Harry and my response when he attacked him only confirmed my feelings for him.

"You're my baby Haz, and I'll do whatever it takes to protect you. I never want to see anyone hurting you like that again."

Harry pulled back and looked at me as he brushed my hair out of my eyes. "We'll protect each other babe. Always."


	44. Chapter 44

                                                                                    

We were staying in a hotel that night, and as soon as we got to my room I started unbuttoning Harry's shirt.

"What are you doing babe?"

"Just please get these clothes off. They aren't you, and I don't want you to be anyone but yourself, especially not for that prick," I said as I pushed his shirt off his shoulders.

My eyes landed on his neck, which was still red from where my father had grabbed it. I immediately started tearing up, disgusted with my dad for acting that way and disgusted with myself for letting him hurt Harry.

I placed gentle kisses all around the marks, not knowing how else to make up for what had happened. "I'm so sorry Harry. Please forgive me," I pleaded with him as I finally pulled away.

I saw that his eyes were red as well, and my heart wanted to break all over again. "Zayn, please listen to me," he said, cupping my face with his hands. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You're a wonderful man and a perfect boyfriend, and despite how he raised you, you have nothing but love in your heart. You reacted in just the way I would have wanted you to - you stood up for me and you protected me. I'm just sorry that I put you in that situation. I should have listened to you when you said that you wanted to tell him alone. But it's over now, and I love you so much. Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you, more than anything," I answered.

"Then we can be each other's family. That way, no matter who let's us down, we'll still have each other."

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands and tried to stop sniffling, wanting to be strong for him. He pulled my hands away from my face and kissed each of my eyelids before placing a sweet, soft kiss on my lips. I slid my arms around his waist and rested my head against his shoulder, holding him tight. I had never loved him more than I did in that moment. My heart was damn near bursting with it.

He walked us over to the bed and sat me down. "What do you say we relax here for a bit and then we go out and have some fun? I think we've earned a night of drunken debauchery, how about you?" he asked as he untied my trainers.

I nodded and smiled at him, reaching forward to get him out of his trousers. They were so loose that I was able to pull them down without unbuttoning them. "Well that's a first," I joked. "Where'd you even get these?"

"I borrowed them from Liam," he answered and I laughed. I couldn't think of two people who dressed more differently than Harry and Liam.

"Well, I like them. Easy access and all."

"Maybe I'll wear them tonight," he replied with an impish grin as he climbed onto the bed next to me. I took my own shirt off and lied down beside him, pulling him down so that he was resting on my chest. "It is St. Patrick's Day after all. You know what that means..."

"That Niall's gonna get wasted?"

"No. Well yeah, that's a given, but it means that it's a  _special occasion_."

I shrugged, feigning ignorance. I knew exactly what he was referring to, especially since he'd hinted at the same thing a few days ago, on what he claimed was If Pets Had Thumbs Day.

"You know what happens on  _special occasions_ , don't you Zayn?"

"Wow, you are just desperate to get back in this booty, aren't you? Go on, admit it!" Harry just laughed as I began to tickle him, so I scooted down until my mouth was next to his ear. "If you want it that bad you know you can have it. I want my baby to have everything he wants."

He scrunched his face up, and he looked so adorable that I couldn't resist kissing him, right on the tip of his cute little nose. "I know babe, I just like teasing you. The truth is that you're a top and I'm a bottom, and that's how I like it, most of the time at least. Just another reason we're perfect for each other."

I smiled and leaned back against the headboard as I began to flick through the channels, searching for something to take my mind off of the disastrous afternoon. I paused after a moment, noticing that it was now Harry who was sniffling.

"What's the matter love?" I asked, stroking his hair.

He looked up at me with damp eyes. "We're okay, right? No matter what your dad says or does, you won't leave me, right? I don't want to make you choose between us, but I can't lose you again."

I slid down so that my head was right next to his. I wanted him to be able to look into my eyes so that he would see how much I meant what I was about to say. My father had always been a hateful man, and I had never felt as loved growing up as I now did with Harry. And as his boyfriend, it was my duty to make sure that he felt just as loved.

"There'd be no choice Harry. There hasn't been one for me since our first kiss, or maybe even before that. It's already been decided: you're the only one for me. I don't care if my dad and my religion say that what we feel is wrong, because nothing's ever felt so right.

"Being with you isn't going to be as easy as being with someone else might be and my family and our fans might not like it, but that's just too fucking bad cause we're meant to be together. Maybe we were meant to show up on that same rainy day of the auditions, and maybe we were meant to be put into this group, not to become famous but so that we could have time to realize that we belong together. Maybe the dream that we've been working towards hasn't been the band, but us, together. You and me, maybe we were written in the stars. Not even the gods above and all that shit..."

I paused as I saw a tear run down Harry's cheek. "I love you so fucking much," I told him as I wiped it away with my thumb.

He let out a small laugh. "I love you too. You and your potty mouth."

"Good, cause my mouth loves you."

"It better. I have a lot of treasured memories that involve those lips."

"Oh yeah? Maybe we should make some more," I said as I leaned forward. I kissed him, softly and slowly, until we fell asleep, the afternoon sun warming my back where it streamed through the window and Harry warming my heart as he held me. We were both exhausted by the events of the day, and sleeping in his arms was just what I needed.

***

This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. We'd been at the club for a couple of hours, and we were definitely having fun, but coming here had still been a bad fucking idea. The drinks had gone down easy, and we'd spent the night in our own little bubble, buffered by the bodyguards, getting buzzed and enjoying each other's company.

But now I was watching Harry move to the music and I needed to get out of here. I needed to get him alone. It was hard enough for me to keep my hands off of him when he was wearing fuzzy onesie pajamas and had his nose buried in his phone, so how on earth was I supposed to be able to stay away from him when he was dancing in a see through shirt and skin tight jeans that left little to the imagination and covered in a light sheen of sweat? And the way he was moving, fuck, it was so goddamn sexy that it should be illegal.

I wanted nothing more than to be able to slide up behind him, place my hands on his hips, those hips that were so sinful that they'd been making me hard all night, and to grind up against him. We would sway to the music together, sweaty body pressed against sweaty body, and let the beat carry us away until we couldn't take it anymore.

That'd be when I'd wrap one hand around his throat while the other one snaked to the front of his jeans. I'd bite at his neck before telling him how much I needed him, right that second.

I groaned, perfectly able to picture that scenario playing out. Fuck, I wanted him, and I couldn't imagine making it out of this club before I had him, much less all the way to the hotel.

I curled my finger to beckon him over to me. He came quickly and leaned down, far closer to me than necessary, balancing an arm on either side of me against the back of the sofa.

"If we don't leave right this minute I'm gonna bend you over this couch and fuck you in front of all these people," I whispered, making sure that my lips grazed his ear with every word.

I heard him moan at my threat, and my dick got even harder at the sound of it. I knew exactly how that moan would taste in my mouth, or how it would feel around my cock, and I needed it, right then and there.

He stood up so that he could look at me, and I hooked a finger through one of his belt loops, wanting to keep him close. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up, intentionally pressing his crotch against mine as I stood. "Let's get out of here," he shouted to the guards. We left the club as quickly as possible, one guard in front of us and one behind. I stayed as close to Harry as I could, probably closer than I should have, but I was drunk and hard and in love and I wanted to touch my boyfriend.

We somehow managed to make it to the hotel without fucking, but not for lack of trying on my part. I had his pants undone and my hand down them as soon as the car started, loving the way he throbbed against my palm and panted into my mouth as I rubbed him.

He pushed me off of him as soon as we made it to our destination, and I climbed onto his back as we made our way to my room, not wanting to wait until we got there to feel him between my thighs. He barely managed to open the door, distracted by the dirty things I was whispering in his ear, and he dumped me on the floor as soon as he shut the door behind him.

He was on top of me a second later, and we couldn't get our clothes off fast enough. I swear I heard fabric tearing as we undressed, but all I cared about was being closer to him. Once we were naked I grabbed the lube and picked him up, carrying him over the wet bar and setting him down. I kissed him as I lubed up and fingered him, stroking him with my other hand. He pushed me off of him, moaning that he was too close.

I took that as a sign that he was ready to begin and slid into him, shouting out at how fucking good it felt. He wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my back, making out with me as I pumped in and out of him. I had no self-control after being so worked up all night, and my thrusts quickly became more forceful. Harry didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to love it, begging me to fuck him harder.

I did, and soon he let go of me and leaned back against the bar, coming against our chests as he yelled my name and how much he loved me. He looked too good and he felt too perfect and his words meant too much to me. It was all too much, and I came inside of him, so hard that I swear I saw stars.

I leaned forward and panted against his shoulder for a moment before I found the strength to pull out. He smiled against my lips as I kissed him, again and again, all over his face. I'd just handed him a towel when we heard a loud knock at the door.

I froze at the sound, a sinking feeling in my stomach. Harry looked at me questioningly, wondering who would be at my door this late and why I looked so nervous. I had a bad feeling about who it could be, seeing as I had been avoiding their phone calls all night, not wanting to cause any drama with Harry. But then I heard their voice and I knew I couldn't avoid them any longer.

"Zayn! Please open up, it's important!"


	45. Chapter 45

                                                                                     

"Zayn, please. I've been trying to call you all night."

One look at Harry told me that he recognized the voice too, and he was not happy that she was banging on my door in the middle of the night.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked as we scrambled to put our clothes back on.

"I have no idea what she wants, I swear. It's probably nothing. I'm gonna let her in, alright?"

Harry nodded and I opened the door, revealing a very distraught Jade, mascara streaming down her face.

"Jade, what's wrong? Are you okay?" I had seen my sisters upset enough times to know when a girl needed a hug, so I ushered her in and put an arm around her shoulder, trying to comfort her without pissing Harry off more.

He was still tipsy, and he glared at us with his hands on his hips. "What's going on with you two?" he demanded to know.

"Nothing! You know that Haz."

Jade looked back and forth between us. "So it's true then? You guys really are a couple?"

I took a step towards Harry and put my arm around his waist. "Yes, it's true. We're together."

"And we're very much in love so I'm afraid we won't be having any repeats of Valentine's Day, no matter how much you beg. Sorry," he added, making me roll my eyes.

"No, that's not why I'm here. I'm happy for you. You make a great couple."

"So why are you here Jade?" I asked, as gently as I could.

"Well, it does kind of have to do with that night. I don't really know how to say this, and I only just found out myself, but...I'm pregnant."

My stomach dropped as her words and the meaning behind them hit me, and I tightened my arm around Harry.

"Are you...are you saying that you got pregnant that night? But we used protection, both of us!"

"I know, but condoms aren't foolproof. And I haven't had sex with anyone else since I've been on tour. I've been feeling weird lately, and I took a test today and...it was positive."

I let go of Harry and started pacing the room, running a hand through my hair. A million thoughts were racing through my head. How could this have happened? Should we trust her? What would this mean for Harry and me? How would we tell out parents? Or management? Or the press?

"So, you're saying that you're pregnant, and one of us is the father?" I asked, my voice breaking on the last word. "I don't suppose you know which one of us it is?"

She shook her head no and looked like she wanted to cry again. I glanced over at Harry. He hadn't moved or said anything since Jade had dropped this bomb, and he was staring at the floor, looking contemplative.

"Have you decided what you're going to do?" he asked without looking up, his voice gentle.

"I'm going to have the baby. I don't really have many other options, since I'm Catholic."

"Yeah, but you're the kind of Catholic who has threesomes, sooo..." Harry said in a teasing tone. I looked at him and was surprised to find him smiling.

"Haz? How can you joke around at a time like this?" I asked as he walked towards me and wrapped me up in a big hug, squeezing me as he bounced up and down.

He pulled back to look at me. "What? It's not like any of us are in this situation because we took a wrong turn on the way to church," he reminded me with a laugh. I just stared at him, totally baffled by his reaction.

"Come on Zee, this isn't the worst news in the world, is it? I mean, think about it. You and me being together means that having kids might be off the table. You've thought about that, right?" he asked me. I nodded, feeling a little flutter of excitement in my belly.

"Well, this way we could have a baby. It's not ideal, far from it really, and I have no idea how we'd explain it to anyone, but still. We're going to have a baby. A baby that's actually related to one of us, that we can raise together," he finished, placing his hands on my cheeks. His eyes were shining, and I leaned forward to kiss him, excited and overwhelmed and terrified at this new possibility.

"The best of both worlds," I whispered against his lips, realizing that what I'd originally thought of as a disaster could end up being more like a miracle. This was all happening so fast, and much sooner than I'd expected, but everything about our courtship, ever since that first kiss, had been in overdrive. I'd fallen fast and hard for him. I knew that I wanted to be with him forever, and I knew that I wanted kids with him, so how could I look at this situation as a negative when I was getting everything that I'd dreamed of, even if the timing was off?

Jade cleared her throat and Harry and I broke apart. I'd forgotten that she was in the room for a moment, too focused on the future I was imagining with Harry.

"Well I'm glad to see you two are on board," she said with a small smile, looking happier than she had since she'd arrived.

"Oh my god, we're being so rude. Come, sit down. Do you need to put your feet up? How about some water? Zayn, get her some water," Harry ordered as he led Jade to the bed and fussed over her.

"I'm fine, really. I'm just so glad that you guys aren't pressuring me to have an abortion or anything."

"Of course not. But what are you going to do? About the tour and the press and everything?" I asked as I handed her a bottle of water and took a seat next to her on the bed while Harry sat down on the other side of her.

"I think I'm going to keep a low profile after we wrap up the U.S. portion of the tour next week. We aren't joining you on the European leg, so I guess I'm just going to take care of myself and the baby. As for the press, I'll probably just ignore any questions about who the father is for now. Maybe we can figure out what to say when the baby's born and we..."

"And we know which one of us is the father," I finished for her.

She blushed. "Believe me, I never thought I'd be in this position. But maybe it's meant to be or something. Like maybe this is the way you two are meant to become fathers."

I smiled over at Harry, thinking of my words from earlier about how we were written in the stars. He was smiling back at me, just as brightly.

"I think maybe you're right. Maybe this iss how it was meant to be. Destiny," he said as he looked into my eyes.

A feeling of deja vu washed over me. Once again Harry and I found ourselves sat on a bed with Jade in between us, and just like before, we were holding hands behind her. Only this time she wasn't just a conquest or a good time to us. She was a mother to be. The mother to be of a child that would belong to one of us. A child that would be ours.


	46. Chapter 46

                                                                                    

Harry and I stayed up most of the night, trying to wrap our heads around how drastically our situation had changed with just one conversation. My stomach was full of butterflies, though I wasn't sure if they were due more to nerves or excitement. But when Harry looked up some sort of due date calculator online and figured out that the baby would be born just a few months after our tour ended my anxiety overpowered any enthusiasm.

My head started to spin when I realized that one of us would be a father this year. This was all happening so fast, and we were both so young. I think Harry saw me starting to lose it, because he quickly wrapped his arms around me and reminded me that if anyone was equipped to handle an unplanned pregnancy, it was us.

"Think about it babe. We're already scheduled to have a break after the tour, so the timing works out perfectly. We're financially able to provide for the child, we can afford to hire a nanny to join us when we go back on the road, and tutors when the baby's older. And I know we're young, but I don't feel like I'm only twenty. Do you feel your age?"

I shook my head. I really did feel older than my twenty-one years. We'd worked so hard and lived so much since we'd joined the band that I felt like we'd jammed a decade into just a few years. Plus, knowing that the group was responsible for the jobs and livelihoods of several dozen people had forced me to act more maturely. I was no longer scared of responsibility, and realizing that calmed me down a bit.

"Plus, we have the most important thing of all going for us," Harry continued. "We're in love, and we're going to love this baby. I don't care if it's mine or yours, cause it's going to be ours."

I smiled at him as my heart expanded. I thought that I had given him my whole heart months before, but each time that he knew exactly what to say like this I loved him even more. Every time he showed me what an insightful, loving man he was I gave him another little piece of me, a piece that I hadn't even realized that I'd been holding back. Or maybe my heart was just growing, like it was unable to handle how much I loved Harry in its original form.

"You mean everything to me Haz. I hope you know that," I told him before turning around so that he was spooning me. "And you're right, we can do this. We'll do it together."

"Together," he murmured as we both drifted to sleep.

We woke up just a few hours later, Harry still wrapped around me, and I squeezed his hand as I rolled over to look at him. There was nothing better than waking up with him. I loved how wild his hair looked, and how he always smiled at me before he even opened his eyes. Plus having his strong arms around me made me want to stay in bed all day, enjoying how tightly he held me and how rough his hands felt against my skin.

"Morning love," I whispered. "Sleep good?"

He nodded, his mouth quirking up in a half smile as his eyes began to flutter open. "Good," I said. "I was thinking that maybe we should send some room service to Jade's room. Just to let her know that we're thinking of her."

He opened his eyes all the way and beamed at me as he stretched. "That's a great idea. Plus we want to make sure she's eating right, for the baby," he said, his voice extra rough and raspy. He rolled over, picked up the room phone, and proceeded to order what sounded like most of the menu, asking for half of it to come to our room and half to go to her room. "Would you look at that...we're already great dads," he said after he hung up.

We ate breakfast in bed, arguing over baby names (I vetoed Harold Jr. despite a hard fought argument on Harry's part) and whether the baby would be an ace footballer or an artistic prodigy. We also had an in depth conversation about whose singing voice we'd want the baby to inherit. I told him that his was my favorite voice in the world, so of course I wanted our baby to sound like him, but he said the exact same thing about mine, so we eventually agreed to disagree. It wasn't until our meal was over that we moved on to more serious topics.

"So what are we going to tell people? Like, do we tell the boys? What about our parents? What about Modest?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I guess we need to give management a heads up...maybe we should tell them something when we meet with them next week? And we should probably wait to tell the boys until after we get back from break."

"Good idea. I'm so glad we're going to have a whole week off. You'll stay with me, right?" he asked, a little shyly.

"There's no where else I wanna be."

"Good answer," he said, pulling me in for a kiss.

"It's the truth," I answered honestly, because it was the truth. There was literally no place that I would rather be than by Harry's side.

He rolled us over so that he was on top of me, pinning my arms above my head. "So now that we've established that we're about to be mature, responsible fathers, does that mean we have to start having vanilla sex?"

I smirked. "I think it means the opposite. We're obligated to have as much hot sex as possible while we can. I fully intend to wear you out over the next seven or eight months."

Harry grinned down at me. "I was hoping you'd say that. Lemme get the handcuffs," he said as he hopped off of the bed.

I raised my head up to look at him. "You have handcuffs? Why am I just finding out about this now?"

"I'm just full of surprises. Now strip," he ordered as he came back to the bed, pink furry handcuffs in hand.

"No. Take 'em off for me."

"Gladly," he said as he pulled off my t-shirt. My boxers quickly followed, and soon the only thing I was wearing was a smile. But then Harry put the cuffs on me and attached them to a tie that he hooked around the headboard, making my upper body immobile, and my smile faltered a bit.

"My hands, your hands, tied up like two ships," he sang.

"Seriously?"

"Mmmhmm. I'm about to make a mess upon your innocence."

"Oh no, don't start that shit again," I groaned, knowing that he was about to begin one of his favorite games. Harry liked to slip our lyrics into conversation whenever he could, and he'd once answered over fifteen texts in a row using only the titles of our songs.

"Come on, it's like our songs were written especially for this purpose."

"For the purpose of you taunting me during sex?"

"Exactly. And I'm about to prove it to you. Get ready to be impressed," he insisted as he pulled something I couldn't see out of his suitcase.

"It's official. I'm dating the biggest dork in the whole world," I teased, but Harry ignored my sarcasm as his eyes scanned my body slowly.

"Oh, baby, baby, don't you know you got what I need, looking so good from your head to your feet," he crooned, earning an eye roll from me even as I smiled inwardly at his compliment.

"I'm standing close to the edge, there's a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed," he said as he got undressed and climbed on top of me. His words barely registered with me, as I was too busy looking him up and down. We'd been working out together every day since we'd made up, not wanting to spend any time apart, and his muscles were looking more defined than ever. He had a light tan from hanging out at hotel pools whenever we were somewhere warm, and fuck if he didn't look like some sort of sex god sitting on me.

"I hear the beat of my heart getting louder whenever I'm near you," he continued.

I wanted so badly to run my hands up and down his chest, and my arms flexed involuntarily against their restraints. I could barely move my upper body, so I planted my heels on the bed and bucked my hips up against him as he leaned forward to try to kiss me.

"Let me kiss you," he ordered when I moved my head as he tried to connect our lips.

"Not until you stop singing our songs," I grumbled, trying not to smile. I actually loved it when he played games like this, but putting up a fight was half the fun, and I knew he enjoyed my resistance.

"Tell me you don't want my kiss," he pouted, and he looked so fucking cute that I relented and gave him a small peck. It seemed good enough for him, and he eagerly moved his attention to the rest of my body. He started to kiss down my chest but then popped his head back up, as if he had forgotten something. He leaned behind him and picked up a black blindfold. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that he was planning on putting it on me, but I stayed silent, excited to see where this was going.

I couldn't see a thing once he slid it over my eyes, and I tried to focus on the movement of the bed to figure out what he was going to do next. I felt it dip down towards the middle as he started biting at one of my nipples while his fingers teased the other. He began to kiss all over my neck and chest, sucking the skin harshly.

It was like I could feel him everywhere, all at once, from his breath against my skin to his necklaces - including the key that I'd given him, the one that I made me smile every time I saw how close it rested to his heart - brushing my chest to his hard on pressing against my thigh. He was everywhere, everywhere but the one place I most needed him to be. 

I was hard as a rock, I had been since he'd first mentioned handcuffs, but he hadn't touched my cock at all, not once, and not knowing when he would made me shake with anticipation. By the time he shifted farther down on the bed and I felt his breath against my dick I was throbbing for him.

"I need that one thing," Harry sang as he licked a stripe up my length. It felt heavenly, but I needed more, so I shifted my hips up at the contact, willing him to take me into his mouth. "And you've got that one thing," he murmured before I felt his tongue swirl around my tip. He moved away all too quickly, and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from begging for him to suck me off.

"I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth," he sang softly, right before gently sucking on my balls.

" _Little?_  More like massive-" I started, but then he shifted his focus to my ass and began to eat me out and the rest of my sentence turned into a string of expletives. I spread my legs so that he would have better access, and he took full advantage, spearing me with his tongue until I was a whimpering mess.

He stopped right when I was on the verge of coming, and I struggled against the cuffs, needing to touch my d!ck. I felt Harry move off of the bed for a moment and when he came back I heard a low buzzing sound. The next thing I knew something cold and metal was pressing against my nipples, its vibrations igniting each of my nerves.

He trailed the vibrator down my body before sliding it up and down my cock. It felt incredible, like nothing I'd ever experienced before, and I couldn't wait to find out what he was going to do next. But what he did next was remove it from my body, and I groaned in protest. He started to kiss at the spot right below my ear, the spot that I liked him to kiss best, and the sound of the buzzing became a bit muffled.

"Holy fucking shit," I moaned as I realized that he was using the toy on himself, getting ready to ride me. I had never wanted to see anything so badly, though what I was picturing in my head was already hot enough to send me over the edge. "Please Hazza, let me watch," I begged.

"Baby I'll take you there, take you there," he panted in my ear as he fucked himself. The next thing I knew the buzzing stopped and I felt Harry's hand on me again, spreading lube over me. "And it's just so hard, so hard," he whispered.

I felt his legs settle on each side of me as he slowly sunk down onto my ready cock. He moved up and down again and again, all the way to my tip and back down again each time while I remained still, letting him set the pace. His tempo soon increased and I moaned his name over and over. I couldn't see him, but I swear that my other senses were heightened, making the feel of him almost overpowering. Plus I could imagine what he looked like riding me, and picturing him bouncing on my dick, his eyes bright and his lips wet and parted, made me start to pump up into him more firmly.

"Best I ever had, hips don't lie..." he grunted as I heard the buzzing start up again and felt our new toy pressing against my entrance. "I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me, yeah," he sang as he began to slide it in and out of me. It was much smaller than Harry's dick, and it seemed to be angled to hit my spot perfectly. He pushed it inside of me firmly, letting the vibrations work their magic.

It felt so fucking good that I couldn't hold back anymore, coming inside of him as my toes curled and my legs shook. He quickly followed, and I felt his hot come land on my chest and abs. I winced as he got off of me, sensitive from coming so hard. I felt him settle down beside me as he began to sing softly in my ear, stroking my jaw as he did so.

"Truly, madly, deeply, I am foolishly, completely falling...and somehow you caved all my walls in...so baby, say you'll always keep me...truly, madly, crazy, deeply in love with you..." he finished as he pulled off my blindfold. I blinked repeatedly, my eyes adjusting to the light. Harry looked so sexy, all shagged out and obviously thoroughly pleased with himself.

"New plan," I panted as he undid the handcuffs. "We're never gonna stop having hot sex."

"Never," he agreed. "Let's shake on it," he said, holding out his hand to me. He had such a serious look on his face that I couldn't help but laugh as I clasped his hand with my own. But I shook it firmly, knowing that I'd agree to anything he asked. He was my man, my love, and planning a future with him, a future that now included a child, was a dream come true.


	47. Chapter 47

                                                                                    

"Baaaabe, come on, cheer up. I hate it when you're in a bad mood. I feel morally obligated as your boyfriend to be in a bad mood too, and I'm sure you don't want me to sit here pouting all day. You know you won't be able to resist my adorableness in the long run, so you might as well turn that frown upside down now."

Harry was right; I was in a bad fucking mood. I'd been in a bad mood all day, ever since I'd been woken up from my nap by a phone call from Nancy, reminding me about our upcoming meeting in London. She'd made sure to warn me that it wouldn't be over until we came up with a plan to handle what she referred to as "the Zarry situation," and I could only imagine how pissed off she was going to be when she found out about the pregnancy.

"I'm sorry, but this is all so fucking annoying," I complained as I pushed my dinner plate away from me. "The the idea of sitting on a sofa while Barbara Walters or Oprah or somebody asks us about personal shit makes me sick. I'm fine with the world knowing about us, I really am, but I just wish it could happen naturally, without interviews and press releases, you know? Or better yet, I wish everyone would mind their own fucking business."

"I know what will cheer you up. Come on," Harry said as he pulled me out of our room and onto the lift. We got off on the floor below ours and headed towards Lou's room, Harry practically vibrating with excitement over whatever he was planning. She answered the door with an exasperated sigh after he banged on it repeatedly.

"Lou! We're here to borrow Lux. For practice."

"You are not borrowing my baby for some sort of experiment Harry."

"We just want to take her to the pool. We'll even keep her for the night, so you can go out. Come on Lou, you know she loves us."

"You'll really take her for the night? Are you sure you can handle it?" she asked.

"I'm sure. Let's ask Lux what she thinks. Lux, where are you?" Harry called. I heard the little pitter patter of her footsteps before she poked her head out from behind Lou.

"Hally!" she yelled, launching herself into his arms.

"Hey boo, how are you?" he asked as he picked her up and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I don't know Lou, she seems pretty happy to see me. Come on, let us have her."

Lou sighed. "Fine. You can have her for the night. Just promise you'll call me if there's any problem."

"We promise," I chimed in, making Lux notice me for the first time.

"Zee!"

"Hey Luxie! You wanna go to the pool with me and Harry?"

She nodded as she squirmed in Harry's arms until he put her down. "Lux go to pool," she ordered as she grabbed both our hands and tried to pull us into the hallway.

"Wait Lux, let's go get your swimsuit on first. Don't you want to show the boys your new suit?" Lou asked as she steered her daughter towards the bathroom. They were back a few minutes later, and Lux spun in a circle as Lou packed a bag for her.

"Lux soooo cute," she said as she posed with her hands on her hips, leading to a chorus of agreement from Harry and me. She pouted, our praise apparently not up to her standards, so we ooohed and ahhhed and clapped some more.

"She's a proper show off, isn't she? Reminds me of you Haz," I teased.

"I packed two changes of clothes, and a snack and a bottle are in there as well. Make sure you put it in the fridge when you get to your room, because she won't take the bottle until bedtime. And be sure to-"

"Relax Lou, we've got this. Go out and have some fun. She'll be in good hands," Harry assured her as we led Lux out of the room. We went to our room to change and we met Paddy at the pool a few minutes later, knowing that it would be best to have someone there to keep people away from us so that we could focus on Lux.

I had to admit that I was glad that Harry had suggested this. He looked so cute as he blew up her floaties and carried her into the pool, and I was looking forward to seeing more of this side of him. We'd both hung out with Lux plenty, but we'd never done it for an extended period of time, and I was pretty sure neither of us had ever cared for a toddler overnight. But even though I was slightly nervous, I knew that what Harry had told Lou was true: Lux really was in good hands; the best really. She was in Harry's hands.

"Zeeeee!" Lux shouted from across the pool. I looked up at her to see her making grabby hands at me. I waved at her from where I was sitting on a chaise lounge, and I saw her turn to Harry with a confused look on her face. "Zee no pool?"

"No love, Zee doesn't get in the water," he answered, and the next thing I knew Lux was glaring at me as if I'd broken her favorite toy. Well, I couldn't have that.

"Okay Lux, don't be mad, I'll get in," I said as I stood up and slowly descended the steps into the pool. The water was ice cold against my skin, almost as cold as the ocean had been, and I made sure that I kept one hand on the railing as I adjusted to the temperature.

Lux smiled and began bouncing on Harry's hip as she reached towards me, so he waded through the water until he was close enough to toss her to me. She squealed as she sailed the short distance and I easily caught her and dunked her, keeping only her head out of the water.

"'Gain, 'gain! Lux fly!" she demanded. We tossed her back and forth several more times, her laughter filling the air.

We played in the water for over an hour, never leaving the shallow end but making sure that Lux had a good time. We helped her glide through the water as Harry sang the motorboat song, and I loved seeing her smile and knowing that she was happier just because I was in the water with her.

"Maybe you can teach me to swim this summer," I mentioned to Harry as we were toweling off, as casually as I could manage.

"Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.

I shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, I want to be able to play in the water with the baby, you know?"

He nodded happily. "I think that's a great idea babe."

"Babe?" Lux asked, looking at me and then back to Harry. "Zee babe?"

Harry laughed. "Yes Lux, Zee is my babe."

"No,  _my_  babe. Babe go inside?" she asked as she held her hand out to me. I let her grasp my fingers as Harry took her other hand, and we grinned at each other over her head.

I started a bath for her when we got back to our room, and she soon toddled into the bathroom, her nose scrunched up in disgust.

"Stinky bum bum," she said, pointing at her nappy.

I blanched, not excited about the idea of changing her. "Uhhh, go tell Harry. He'll fix your stinky bum bum right up." She nodded and ran out, and I swear I could hear Harry groan from the other room a minute later. He did not look pleased when he brought her back in, but I did my best to keep my face blank as I took her from him and placed her in the tub, her swimsuit still on. As soon as I stood up Harry put his arms around my waist and held me close.

"You better not try to pull that crap when we have our baby," he whispered in my ear. At that moment I couldn't have cared less about having to change a thousand dirty nappies. I was too overjoyed at the way he'd said 'our baby' to care about anything else, so I just squeezed his hands where they rested on my stomach.

Harry joined her in the bathtub a minute later, and they both looked so cute that I took at least a dozen pictures of them splashing around and blowing bubbles at each other.

"Hally look like Zee," Lux proclaimed after giving Harry a bubble beard, making us crack up. I swear she got more and more adorable the older she got, and it was great to see her developing her own little personality.

After they got out and dressed Lux dug around in the bag her mum had packed her and found some toys, including a makeup set that immediately caused me to groan and Harry to grin mischievously.

"Ooooh Lux, you know who needs some makeup?" he asked her with a raised eyebrow. "Zee. Can you make him look pretty?"

She seemed to love this idea, turning and running towards me as fast as her little legs would carry her. She only made it a few feet before she tripped and tumbled to the ground, and I jumped forward, trying to catch her.

"Whoopsie daisy! Gosh, are you okay Lux?" I asked as I helped her up. She seemed fine, but I could see Harry cracking up behind her. "Something funny Styles?"

He held his stomach as he continued to laugh. "Gosh? Whoopsie daisy? Please tell me this is what I have to look forward to from Dad Zayn, cause let me tell you, it is  _hot_."

"You're such an ass," I hissed at him under my breath. I thought that I'd said it quietly, but Lux must have heard me, because she immediately turned to Harry with a frown.

"Ask. You ask Hally," she said sternly, pointing at him. We tried not to laugh but it proved impossible, the curse word sounding too ridiculous coming from her sweet little face.

I was exhausted by the time Lux finished making me look like a two bit hooker might look after a long night of turning tricks. I looked truly horrific, but that didn't stop Harry from hopping around the room with his camera, ordering me to pose like he was some kind of high fashion photographer, barking out commands like 'smize' and 'make love to the camera' in a terrible French accent.

Lux soon shifted her focus to beautifying him, putting what seemed like a few hundred bows in his hair, and after what seemed like hours of chasing her around the room she finally seemed to get sleepy.

I was the first one to get into bed, but Lux soon joined me with a big yawn. I was surprised when she cuddled up next to me and not Harry, since he had come to bed at the same time as her. But no, she crawled right up to me and gave me a big hug.

"Zee sing?" she asked in her cute little squeaky voice, her hands on my cheeks. There was no way I could refuse her anything, so I nodded as she got under the covers next to me and began to drink her bottle.

I looked over at Harry, unsure of what to sing, but he just rested his head against his pillow and smiled at me encouragingly. I couldn't think of any lullabies off the top of my head, so I started to sing Little Things, and it seemed good enough for Lux as she settled her head against my chest. She even hummed along as I ran my fingers through her hair.

Harry joined me for the second half of the song, and I smiled at him as I watched his perfect mouth form the words that were so familiar to me, loving the way the our voices sounded together. My smile grew bigger as I imagined us singing like this for our own child, and from the fond look in his eyes, I think Harry must have been thinking the same thing. He laid his arm on the pillow above Lux, and we held hands as we all fell asleep.


	48. Chapter 48

                                                                                    

The next morning I woke up to the sound of Lux chanting my name. Harry must have moved her at some point during the night, because he was now pressed against me and she was on the other side of him.

"Zee. Zee. Zeeee!" she called. I looked over to see her perched on her knees, leaning over Harry's prone body.

"Morning, Lux. You okay?"

"Lux want mama."

"Alright hon, let's go see your mum," I agreed as I stretched. It was way earlier than I wanted to get up, especially on a day when we didn't have anything scheduled until the afternoon, but I was quickly learning that when it came to Harry or Lux, I couldn't say no. I could only imagine how quickly my own kid would have me wrapped around their little finger. And I couldn't wait.

Harry was still knocked out, so I got Lux ready quietly and we left without waking him. Lou was happy to see Lux, and extremely grateful that she was still in one piece. I gave Lux a big hug goodbye and told Lou that she could feel free to consider us available for babysitting anytime. Harry was still asleep when I got back to the room, so I quickly stripped and climbed back in bed, snuggling up to his warm body.

"Where'd you go? Missed you," he murmured as he pulled me closer, encasing me in his strong arms. I relaxed back into them, loving how easily they fit around me and how safe they made me feel. 

"Took Lux back to Lou. Man, watching her wore me out," I admitted with a yawn. "I think we managed pretty well though, don't you?"

"Yep, we're going to be the best dads ever, of that I have no doubt," he remarked.

"So glad to see you're just as humble as you've always been," I responded dryly.

I felt him shrug from behind me. "Hey, when you got it you got it."

"I think I'm gonna have to do something to take your confidence down a notch. Don't want your head to get any bigger, now do we?"

"Hey! I'll have you know my head is perfectly proportional to my body."

"Yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that, Styles. My beanie's still stretched out from when you wore it."

"Hush up and turn around, Malik. I want a kiss."

I shook my head. "Sorry babe, not happening."

"What? Why not?" he asked in disbelief.

"Cause if I kiss you it will lead to more kisses and that will lead to sexin' which will mean that I won't get any rest. And if I don't get any rest I'm gonna look terrible at the concert later," I explained, already feeling desperately needed sleep overtaking my body.

I felt him climb out of bed with a huff. "Well, if your beauty rest is so important to you then I better leave you to it."

"Thanks love," I mumbled. The sound of the door slamming was the last thing I heard as I drifted off.

The room was empty when my alarm woke me, so I got ready and headed down to meet everyone in the lobby alone. I was late as usual, so we all headed to a room on the first floor that had been set up as a mini studio as soon as I arrived. I made sure to stick by Harry's side until the interview began, soaking him up while I could, since I was guessing that our handlers had been instructed not to let us sit next to each other. My hunch proved correct, and Harry and I were separated by a sofa and all three of the other boys.

The interviewer got right to the hard hitting questions, asking us about what hair products we used and what super powers we wished we had. I was struggling to stay awake, so I pulled my phone out so that I could text Harry whenever the focus wasn't on me.

"Do any of you have any secret talents we don't know about?"

_**ZAYN:** You should tell her about your mad skillz as a power bottom :)_

**_HARRY:_ ** _As long as you tell her how good you are at deep throating_

I ignored his advice, instead telling the interviewer how much I loved graffiti art, and that I had a whole room that I'd spray painted in my flat in London. I risked a glance at Harry as I answered, and he looked a bit disappointed. I tried to imagine what he would have done if I had actually used his answer, but I was snapped out of my reverie by the interviewer's next question.

"Zayn, which one of the guys, besides yourself, do you think will make the best husband?"

As soon as she said the word 'husband' my mind of course flashed to Harry. 'Harry' and 'husband' just belonged together as far as I was concerned. But the lecture from Nancy was still fresh in my mind, and I knew that there would be hell to pay if I were to do anything that might draw attention to my relationship with him, so I ignored my instincts and didn't say the one name that I wanted to.

"I think that Liam would be a really good husband, because he's very sweet and quite romantic," I answered, causing Liam to giggle and wrap an arm around my shoulders.

I knew for a fact that Harry had gotten the exact same instructions I had, so I braced myself to hear him name someone else, trying to stave off the jealousy that was sure to flow through me, but his answer surprised me. "I think Zayn will be a great husband. He's  _usually_  very thoughtful."

_Shit_. It probably wouldn't be obvious to anyone else, but I could hear the slight edge to his voice, and I knew he probably wasn't happy about my response. This suspicion was confirmed after the interview, when he sequestered himself off in a corner of the room with Louis, his back to me. As soon as the cameraman and interviewer were out of sight I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"You up for some fun before the show?" I whispered in his ear.

He shrugged me off of him. "Go ask Liam. He'd probably love to have some fun with you," he said petulantly. Louis took that as his cue to leave, shooting me a sympathetic look as he began to walk off. "Hold up, Lou," Harry called after him.

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked him. "I wanted to hang out."

"Well, I need to talk to Louis. You should probably get some more rest before the concert anyway," he said before stalking off. I rolled my eyes as I watched him leave the room. I knew there was no point in arguing with him when he got in one of his moods, so I went to hang out with Niall and Liam, whom I felt like I hardly ever spent any time with outside of work anymore.

I didn't see Harry again until sound check, and it was too rushed for us to have any time to chat, so I had no idea if he was still grumpy. The next time we were together was during the concert, which went off without a hitch. Unless you counted the way my heart hitched when I saw Harry pull that little boy out of the audience to wish him a happy birthday.

He was so sweet with him and looked so damn cute holding him that I had to hang back a bit, too afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from snogging him if I got any closer. So I stayed where I was, my eyes on Harry the whole time. I was amazed at how much seeing him with the kid was affecting me, especially since I'd seen him play with Lux so recently. But I even missed my cue during the next song, still too preoccupied with catching a glimpse of what Harry might be like as a dad.

I rushed up to him as soon as the show was over. "That was really sweet, what you did for that kid. I loved seeing that side of you," I told him as I tried to pull him into a hug. But for the second time that day, he pushed me away.

"Don't be like that babe. Come on, let's go find a dark corner somewhere. I want you."

"Not as much as you want Liam. You two probably want to go off somewhere private so you can compliment each others beards, or you can let him bench press you or something," Harry scoffed.

"Is that what you're upset about? You know I didn't mean it. Come on Hazza..."

"Don't Hazza me," he grumbled, putting his hands on his hips. "First I wasn't good enough for you in bed this morning and then I find out you don't think I'll be a good husband. Or at least not as good a one as  _Liam_. What's he got that I haven't got? You think just because he has facial hair and is super strong that he'd be a better spouse than me? Oh yeah, I forgot, you think he's  _sweet_   _and romantic,_ " he said, his voice twisting the words I'd used to describe Liam until they sounded like something dirty.

"You're kidding, right? You know I think you'd be a better husband than Liam. You'll be the best husband ever. You're the only one for me."

"Yeah right. We both know I'm not good enough for you," he pouted. "All the critics talk about how you're the strongest singer, and it's true. And everyone knows that you're the best looking one in the group; hell you're pretty much the best looking guy in the entire world. You have chiseled cheekbones and great hair and no love handles. You're gorgeous and smart and sweet and perfect. Why would you want me?"

I laughed out loud at the absurdity of his statements - at the idea that he could possibly be worried that he wasn't good enough for me - but I clamped my hand over my mouth once I saw the hurt look on his face. I just really couldn't believe that he was plagued by the same doubts that sometimes kept me up at night.

"That's bollocks and you know it. You're  _everyone's_  favorite Harry. There are literally millions of girls who are in love with you. It doesn't matter if they're five or ninety, no one, and I mean no one, can resist you. You're like a god among men. And despite that, for some reason you're crazy enough or dumb enough to want to be with a mere mortal like me. I have no idea why but I'm too busy counting my blessings to question it," I told him before pausing so that he could take in the importance of what I was about to say. 

"I'm the lucky one here, cause I get to be with you. You are absolutely perfect, and I don't want anyone else. I love you Harry, and I'm gonna love you forever. You and only you."

He gave me a small smile as I leaned in to rest my forehead against his, but I could tell he still needed some convincing.

"You know how sometimes you'll see two colors that should look terrible together but somehow it just works? Like in a sunset, or when you're mixing two colors of paint together, and they don't match at all but somehow they combine to look even better than they ever did on their own? I think that's us. People may think it's strange that we're a couple, but together we're so much better than we ever were on our own.  _I'm_  so much better and so much happier with you than I ever could be without you. You know that, right?"

Harry's whole face lit up as he nodded. "I do know. I feel the exact same way about you. We are better together, and I'm so lucky to have you. I love you Zee," he said, his grin getting bigger and bigger with each word.

When Harry smiled like this, like he was really and truly happy, his whole face got involved in the grin. His eyebrows raised up, his eyes sparkled while the skin surrounding them crinkled, and his dimples seemed to take up his whole cheeks. He looked fucking adorable, and I was thrilled that I was the one who made him this happy. I hoped that I would still be able to make him smile like this in fifty years, when his eyes might not shine quite as brightly and his skin might be crinkled even when he wasn't smiling but when he would still be just as breathtaking to me.

And while I may not always have shown it on my face like Harry did, broadcasting my feelings to the world with a smile, inside I was just as happy as he was. And I would do whatever it took to prove it to him, and to the world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an FYI that I wrote a lot of these chapters a few months ago and posted them on another site, so some of the events I mention seem old and arbitrary now, but they had just happened at the time.


	49. Chapter 49

                                                                                     

I couldn't believe that we were finally done with the U.S. leg of our tour. Even more exciting than that was the fact that we had a whole week off before we had our first European show. An entire week with no work. Seven days before we had to answer an interviewer's prying questions. 168 hours without an audience watching our every move. 10,080 minutes with no screaming fans. Just me and Harry and a whole house to ourselves. No cramming into a bunk on the bus or stifling our moans in hotels. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve as we pulled up his drive, and from the look on Harry's face, he must have felt the same way.

We dropped our bags on the floor as soon as we got inside and looked at each other, grins spreading across both our faces. Harry let out a squeal that I echoed, stopping only when we realized that we weren't alone in the room.

"Mr. Harry! You're home earlier than I expected. Don't worry, I did everything you asked, and I'll be out of your hair in a jiff," an older woman with a kind face and beautiful red hair said.

"Nonsense, it's lovely to see you," he reassured her as he gave her a quick kiss on each cheek. "Beth, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Zayn."

I blushed at his introduction, and it took me a moment to find my voice. This marked the first time that he'd introduced me as his boyfriend, and it felt fucking incredible. I held my hand out to her as soon as I regained my composure, wanting to make a good impression on the housekeeper whom Harry had mentioned so many times before.

"It's nice to meet you Mr. Zayn; I've heard so much about you," she said, looking as happy as I felt. After some pleasantries Harry excused us, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the kitchen.

"This isn't the first place I thought you'd drag me once we were finally alone, but I can get down with it," I teased.

He ignored me and opened the pantry and then the fridge. They were both fully stocked, and my mouth started to water at the sight of all the delicious food.

"I had Beth stock your favorites," he said as he pointed out all of the snacks that had been bought just for me. "I even got some recipes from your mom, so now you can eat home cooked meals while you're here. I don't want you to be missing out on anything while you're staying with me."

I felt my cheeks warm as his words registered, not with embarrassment but with overwhelming love. Here I had been racking my brain all week, trying to come up with the perfect way to show Harry how much I cared about him, and he'd managed to prove his love to me once again, in the simplest yet most meaningful of ways. It might not have been some grand gesture, but it captured Harry's personality perfectly. This act was simple, sweet, and straightforward, just like him. He'd done this just because he wanted me to be comfortable in his home.

"You really need to stop being such a thoughtful fucker. You're making me look bad. I wanna be the better boyfriend."

"I smell a bet brewing," he said, his eyes twinkling. "What does the winner get?"

I sighed as I leaned forward to kiss him. "We don't need a competition to tell me what I already know. You won a long time ago. You're the best boyfriend in the world."

He started to argue but suddenly I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I still had no idea how I was going make him feel as loved as he always made me feel, but I knew how I could make him feel wanted, cause goddamn did I want him. I wanted his body and his heart and his soul, and I wanted them forever.

"Zayn, you know-" he started, before I distracted him by unbuckling my belt where I stood. I didn't give a fuck that we had just gotten off of a transatlantic flight or that we were in the middle of his kitchen with the fridge still open. I'd told him a million times how how fucking hot he made me, and now it was time to show him. But, some things did bear repeating, and I wasn't about to be quiet about my feelings as I did so.

"I want you so fucking bad. Right here, right now," I said as I pulled my jumper off and dropped it in the floor. I began to walk towards him, not stopping until his back was against the island and I was pressed against him. I saw him gulp as I placed an arm on each side of him, leaning my weight against him and the counter. I kissed him briefly, just long enough for me to feel the tension start to leave his body, to have him melt into it, before I turned my attention to his pants, palming him roughly as I slid his zipper down.

As soon as his jeans were open I pushed my hand down the front of them, rubbing him up and down until he was as hard as I was. I removed my hand and ripped his shirt open. Buttons flew everywhere but all that mattered to me was that I could now see and feel more of him. I pushed my own pants off and kicked them away, so that I was standing in front of him in just my black boxer briefs.

He let out a nervous laugh as he looked towards the open doorway, probably wondering if Beth was still here. All thoughts of making a good first impression had already flown out of my head, and at that moment a room full of people wouldn't have stopped me from having my way with him. I was his and he was mine, and I couldn't think of a better way to start our break than this.

"Do you see what you do to me? How much I want you?" I asked as I stroked myself. Harry didn't seem able to take his eyes off of my hand, so I slid my boxers off, wanting him to see the effect he had on me. He gasped at the sight of me, so hard and ready for him, and I increased my pace as I ran my thumb over my tip, wanting to put on a show for him.

"Stop," he ordered out of nowhere, making me pause for a second. "Let me do it."

I took another step closer to him and he tried to close the space between us, but I pushed him back against the counter once again. "Not yet. First I need to taste you," I told him as I dropped to my knees, pulling his pants down with me.

As soon as they were off my mouth was on him, encompassing him in its wet warmth. I took him all the way in, loving the way he stretched my lips apart and how I could feel him at the back of my throat. I looked up at him, sucking him harder when I saw his hands gripping the edge of the counter.

"Zayn," he murmured, sounding breathless and needy. "Oh god, you need to stop," he moaned as I began to pump him, flicking my tongue over his slit. I felt his hands on my shoulders, hauling me up, but I kept my hand on him. He kissed me as soon as I was standing, moaning into it as I flicked my wrist faster.

I removed my hand so that I could put it on his waist, boosting him up until he was sitting on top of the counter. He broke our kiss to point at his jeans on the floor, and I bent down to grab the lube from them, chuckling over the fact that he must have brought it on the plane with him. He insisted on putting it on me, reaching down and massaging it over my length until I couldn't take it anymore.

He leaned back on his arms with a satisfied smile as I pushed him away from me; a smile that only got bigger as I rubbed my dick against his entrance. A smile that turned into a full on grin as I finally slid into him. 

"Fuck, you feel so good Hazza," I told him, keeping one hand on his hip but moving the other to his face, wanting to look him in the eye. He looked so beautiful, eyes hooded and mouth parted. I kissed him, sliding my tongue into his mouth until I could feel his moving against mine. I had to pull away after a moment, before I got too wrapped up in how perfectly his lips fit against my own, and I moved down to his neck. I sucked at the skin there harshly, wanting to mark him somewhere that I would be able to see for the next week, even when he was dressed. 

As soon as I was satisfied with the love bite I ran my hand through his hair, angling my neck so that he could kiss it. He got the idea right away, sitting up and wrapping his arms around me as he bit and kissed me all over. I didn't know when we'd next have a whole week to ourselves, and I loved the idea that we didn't have to stress about these little things for a bit. It made me feel like we were a real, normal couple, even if only for these few days.

I reluctantly pulled my neck away from his lips, needing to pump into him more deeply. He leaned back once again, allowing him more leverage to push back against me. I saw his eyes roll back in his head and I knew that he could feel every inch of me as I pulled out almost to the tip before slamming back into him. I pulled one of his legs higher on my hip, knowing that I would have a better angle that way, and I was rewarded with a series of loud moans and the heavenly feeling of Harry clenching even tighter around my dick.

"Oh my god, so good," he panted.

I made sure to keep hitting him in his sweet spot as I leaned in to kiss him. "I love you Harry. More than anything. No one has ever made me feel this way," I told him in between kisses. He didn't answer me, probably as overwhelmed with how good this felt as I was, but I was pretty sure that he felt the same way. The way he gripped my neck and the look in his eyes told me that much.

I fucked him faster as I felt the familiar coiling in my belly. I moved my hand to his cock, caressing his hard length as quickly as I could, knowing that I didn't have long. I kept my eyes open as much as I could as I came, watching him as he spilled against his chest, loving that I was the one making him feel this good. "I love you so fucking much," I grunted as I rode out my high.

"I love you too. Always," he said, finally finding his words as he dropped back to lie against the counter.

"Always and forever," I agreed, trying to catch my breath.

We eventually made it out of the kitchen and up the stairs, holding hands and laughing the whole way. We were both acting like idiots, but I was just so deliriously happy; happy to be on break, happy to have some time to rest. Happy to be with Harry. 

Our bags were no longer in the foyer, and we found them waiting for us in Harry's bedroom. He let go of my hand as he carried his suitcase to his wardrobe, pausing for a moment after he opened its door. "Come here," he said, beckoning me to him.

I picked up my bag and made my way over to him, my mouth opening in surprise when I looked inside the huge walk-in closet. It looked completely different than it had the last time I'd been here, when it had been crammed full of Harry's stuff and so messy that I had only wanted to look into it once. Now I saw that all of his clothes had been neatly hung to one side, leaving the other side completely empty. I looked over at him questioningly, wondering why he'd gone to all this trouble just so I could have somewhere to hang my stuff for the week.

"There's something else I want to show you," he said, grabbing my hand and leading me into the hallway. He opened the last door on the left and moved aside so that I could go in.

I stepped into the room and looked around. There was hardly any furniture in it, just a drafting table and a large cabinet. The cabinet was open wide, revealing a treasure trove worth of supplies that I itched to get my hands as soon as I realized what they were. Row after row of spray paint, in every color imaginable, were stocked next to pads of paper and paints and pencils and everything else that an artist could ever need. There were several easels set up around the room as well, and beyond them were blank white walls, which I could now see were meant to act as canvases. I looked at Harry in wonder.

"I made this room into an art studio for you," he told me, a bit shyly. "I chose it because it gets the best light, but if there's another room you'd prefer that's fine."

"You didn't have to go to all this trouble Harry. My flat is right across town."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to go to your flat. I want you to stay here with me, all the time. Will you move in with me Zayn?" he asked as he reached down to hold my hand once again. "Please say that you will."

I was so excited to hear those words coming from him that I had to make a conscious effort to not start jumping up and down in joy. The idea of living with Harry inspired that much happiness in me. I couldn't think of anything better, but I'd never expected him to feel the same way, especially not so soon, and I didn't want him to be doing this just to make me happy. I was also worried that he might get sick of me if he was around me all the time.

"Are you sure? I'll probably be a shit roommate. I like to sleep all day and I get grumpy whenever someone messes with my stuff and I play my music really loud..."

He rolled his eyes at my protests. "You think I don't already know all that stuff? We've practically been living together for four years now."

"I know, but it might be different if we're full time roommates, with no breaks at all."

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not asking you to move in as a roommate. I want you here as my boyfriend. As the person that I'll share everything with. I want to wake up to your pretty face every morning and fall asleep with you every evening. I want to cook you breakfast and watch you shave and fight over the remote with you. I want your shoes next to mine in my closet and your toothbrush next to mine on the sink...forever. No breaks necessary."

I closed my eyes as he spoke, focusing on each word as it came out of his mouth. This was everything that I'd wanted to hear from him, even if I hadn't realized it before. I practically jumped on top of him as he finished his little speech, wrapping my arms around him and holding him tight.

"Yes. Yes, I'll move in with you. I want all of those things too, so much," I breathed against his neck before pulling back to look at him. He looked a little blurry to me, and I knew that I was on the verge of tears. I blinked them away, wanting to see his handsome face more clearly. "I love you so much Harry."

"I love you too Zee. Now let's go relax in  _our_ living room. And tonight we're going to go to sleep in  _our_  bed. You know,  _our_  bed that's in _our_  bedroom. _Our_  bedroom in  _our_  house."

My heart fluttered as I took his hand, loving the fact that he seemed to be in this for the long haul, just like I was. At that moment I loved my life more than I ever had. I loved  _our_ life, the one that we were creating together.


	50. Chapter 50

                                                                                    

I'd been awake for most of the night, too many emotions flowing through me for sleep to be possible. I was so excited about moving in with Harry, yet terrified at the same time. He'd quickly become the most important person in my life, and I was scared of how much I needed him. I felt like I couldn't live without his kisses and his hugs and most of all his love, and I knew that us living together, for real, all the time, would mean that he would literally be essential to every part of my life, from my work to my home to my heart.

I looked over at him, fast asleep on his pillow. His hair was pulled back into the little bun he'd been wearing lately, and he looked so relaxed and peaceful that I envied him. I knew that he worried more than he let on, but he seemed to be able to push his cares out of his mind at will, and I hoped that this trait might rub off on me over time. Just being able to look at his handsome face seemed to quiet some of the thoughts racing through my head, and the way he was holding my hand tight against his chest made me want to focus on the here and now, and what was most important.

I knew that our appointment with Modest was going to be tough, and I wanted to make sure that he and I were on the same page before we went in. They'd tried to arrange separate meetings with each of us, but we'd refused. We were a team, a couple in every sense of the word, and they needed to realize that. They'd been bullying us since the start of our careers, but we were no longer naive teenagers. We'd had time to reflect on what really mattered to us, and I was prepared to fight for it. And I wanted Harry to fight for it too.

The devastating consequences of our last time we'd seen Nancy were still fresh in my mind, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to rest until I told Harry how I was feeling. I scooted closer to him and ran my hand over his cheek, enjoying how warm it felt under my fingertips. He stirred but didn't wake up, so I gave him a soft kiss on his lips. Like always, he smiled before he even opened his eyes.

"What time is it?" he murmured.

"It's still the middle of the night. I just need you to wake up for a minute."

"Fine," he sighed, eyes still closed. "But you're gonna have to do all the work cause I'm not moving."

"Not for that," I chuckled. "I just know I won't be able to sleep until I talk to you."

"What's wrong babe?" he asked, seeming to truly wake up for the first time.

"Nothing. I've just been thinking a lot...tomorrow's a really big day for us. We've got the doctor's appointment with Jade and then the meeting with Nancy, and it's going to be a lot to take in. But no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'll do whatever it takes not to lose you. You have to know that if it came down to choosing between you and my career, I'd pick you."

Harry was silent, and I started to worry that I'd said too much, or that maybe he didn't feel the same way. I knew that he loved me, but deep down I still worried that I wasn't good enough for him, or that he'd get sick of being with a guy, or just sick of being with me. But then he smiled, big enough to light up the entire room. When he smiled at me like this I could feel his happiness radiating outwards, seeping into me and filling me with joy.

"I love you so much," he declared as he rolled on top of me and started showering kisses all over my face. "And I completely agree. We've been rich and famous for four years now, and it's been great, but after finding out what it's like to be in love and to be loved I would never want to go back to how it was before. Being with you has made me see what's really important," he said, his words echoing my thoughts.

"Sometimes I feel like this has been like a whirlwind relationship, you know? But then I think back on how long we've known each other, and how I've, like, cared about you that entire time, and it feels like the longest courtship ever," I admitted.

"Well, I don't care if some people think this is all happening too fast, or that others might think it took us too long to realize our feelings. I think it all happened exactly the way it was meant to."

"Me too," I agreed, putting my hands on his cheeks so that I could pull him down for a kiss. "You really are my everything, you know that? You make me feel like the luckiest man in the world."

"Hmpf. Obviously I'm the lucky one," he insisted. "I get to look at you all day."

"Nope. I'm the one who gets to kiss the one and only Harry Styles, brightest star in the sky. That makes me the lucky one," I said with a smile, before growing more serious. "And I just want to make sure that you know that I'm always gonna feel that way. And I'm gonna choose you no matter how much Nancy threatens us or tries to belittle what we have. I'm prepared to stand up to her no matter what. And I hope you are too."

"I am love, I promise. But I honestly don't think it's going to come to that. Once she sees how serious we are and hears about the baby she's going to see that this isn't just some fling. And she'll have to realize that it's in her best interests to keep us happy. I'm sure that we'll be able to come up with a way for everyone to get what they want."

I wasn't so sure that I agreed with him on that last part, in fact I was sure that I didn't, but I stayed quiet, figuring that we'd cross that bridge when we had to. For right now I just wanted to focus on how good it felt to have Harry sound as sure about me as I was about him. He rolled off of me but stayed close to my side, and I snuggled up to him, pushing all my worries out of my mind for the time being.

***

Jade was spending a few weeks in London before she went back to her hometown of Tyne and Wear, so Harry and I took advantage of being in the same city and arranged for a doctor to make a house call. Jade and Dr. Morgan arrived at Harry's house - at  _our_  house - at the same time, and I gave her a quick hug before I introduced myself to the doctor, a middle aged gentleman with blonde hair and tan skin.

I led them both to the room that we'd chosen for the examination. Dr. Morgan's staff had dropped off a massive machine earlier, and we'd been assured that he would have everything he needed, and that everything would be kept in the strictest of confidence. We chit-chatted over how much Jade was enjoying her stay in London as we waited for Harry. He soon joined us, pulling on his shirt as he walked in, his hair still damp from our shower, the shower that had ended perilously close to the arrival of our baby mama, as Harry had taken to calling her. He gave Jade a brief kiss on the cheek and introduced himself to the doctor before moving to my side, looking me up and down as he did so.

"Don't look at me like that," I whispered.

"Like what?"

"Like you just came in my mouth," I hissed, causing Harry to chuckle.

"Are you afraid of the big bad doctor?" he whispered back, leaning in closer. "Does that mean I shouldn't kiss you in front of him?" he asked, trying to do just that.

I pushed him away but he came right back, nibbling on my ear and making me giggle as I pretended to fend off his advances. I was blushing like mad but made no real move to push him away, loving that he was willing to let the doctor see that we were together. Being this affectionate in front of a stranger was new to us, and I liked it.

Dr. Morgan interrupted our little moment, alerting us to the fact that we were about to see the baby for the first time.

"Is one of you the father?" he asked, looking from Harry to me.

"We both are," Harry answered, placing an arm around my waist as I tucked my head into his neck. I couldn't imagine ever getting used to being called a father, but I already loved the stake that Harry and I both had in this pregnancy.

The doctor took Harry's proclamation in stride, turning his attention back to Jade, who had her shirt pushed up to expose a nonexistent baby bump. Dr. Morgan slathered some gooey looking stuff on her belly before he began the examination. I was immediately riveted by the movement on the little screen, looking for any sign of the baby.

"This is the gestational sac," he said, pointing out what looked like a little blob. "And this is the fetus. From its size it looks like the baby was conceived sometime around the middle of February."

Harry and I exchanged a small smile at the confirmation of what we already knew; that this baby was ours. It may have been conceived during a drunken threesome, but that didn't mean that it was any less loved or wanted. Our attention was called back to the screen by a noise coming from the monitor.

"What you're hearing is your baby's heartbeat," Dr. Morgan explained, holding the instrument in his hand more firmly against Jade's stomach so that we could hear it more clearly. It sounded like a bunch of horses galloping, and I felt my own heart rate pick up at the sound of it. At the sound of our baby's heart. 

"That's fucking amazing," I said, too wrapped up in the moment to watch my language. And it was fucking amazing. There was an actual, living baby, growing in Jade's belly, and fuck if that wasn't incredible. Sure, it had been happening every day since the beginning of time, but that didn't make it seem like any less of a miracle in my eyes.

I squeezed Harry a little tighter as I reached out to hold Jade's hand. I could see a million emotions flitting across his face, but the dominant one was definitely joy, and despite the tears that I spotted as he leaned in to kiss me, I could tell that he was practically bursting with happiness.

Jade looked a bit overwhelmed by everything, so I gave her a kiss on her forehead as the doctor printed out an ultrasound picture for us. 

"Are you okay?" I asked her after we had said our goodbyes to Dr. Morgan, who Harry was showing out. 

She nodded as she wiped a stray tear away. "Yeah, it's all just a lot to take in, you know? I still haven't told anyone else, but hearing the heartbeat just makes it all so real. I have no idea how I'm going to explain it to my family."

"It is a lot to take in," I agreed. "But please know that Harry and I are here for you, and for the baby. We're not going to let you go through this alone."

"I know, and I really appreciate it. I'm nowhere near ready to raise a baby on my own."

I left her alone so that she could get cleaned up, and I found Harry in the kitchen, putting the sonogram picture on the fridge. He had placed it right next to a picture of us, one of the photos that we'd taken the last time we'd been in town. The sight of Harry sitting on my lap, surrounded by candles and roses and both of us sporting huge smiles, made me lose my train of thought for a moment, and I had to shake my head to clear it.

"Harry, I've been thinking..."

"Alert the media!"

I rolled my eyes at him before continuing. "Maybe we could see if Jade wants to stay at my flat. That way she would stay local, and we could see her whenever we're in town."

Harry looked thoughtful for a minute before nodding. "I think that's a good idea. I definitely want to be able to go to more doctor's appointments, all of them if possible. Plus if she has a chance to put down roots now there's a better chance that she might stay here when she has the baby. I don't want our child to live so far away."

I didn't want the baby to live anywhere but with us, but I figured now wasn't the time to bring that up. "So we'll ask her, yeah?"

He nodded just as Jade entered the room. 

"Harry and I had an idea that we wanted to run by you. Harry's asked me to move in with him," I said with a smile, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity to brag a little. "But I still have my flat across town, and we were wondering if you'd like to stay there for a while."

"Really? That would be fantastic! I love the city so much, and I have a lot of friends and business contacts here. Plus it would give me some more time to figure out what to tell my family."

"I think we all need to figure that out," Harry chimed in. "So, you'll do it? You'll stay in London?"

"Yes! I'll stay," she said, looking happier than she had all day. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders at her confirmation. Everything seemed to be falling into place in my personal life, and I could only hope that I would be able to say the same of my professional life after the meeting with Modest.


	51. Chapter 51

                                                                              

We left for the meeting with management as soon as Jade left, and my feelings of happiness were all replaced with ones of dread on the ride over. Harry's good mood seemed to diminish as well, and by the time we reached our destination he was downright grumpy. Matters weren't improved when we met Nancy's new assistant, a very pretty girl named Olivia, who Harry felt was a bit too friendly to me.

"Come sit next to me,  _babe_ ," he said pointedly while she was introducing herself to me. I rolled my eyes but went to join him on the sofa anyway, not wanting to make a tense situation worse. I smiled when I noticed that he'd worn a shirt that didn't hide the love bite I'd given him, and I leaned into his neck so that I could nudge the mark with my nose. He grinned at me as I pulled away, reaching his hand up to pull my collar down a bit so that he could see the one he'd given me.

A minute later we were walking into Nancy's office, and she did not look happy to see us. Her eyes immediately darted to our hands, which were intertwined, exactly as they should be. My hand fit perfectly in his, which I took as another sign that we were meant to be together. From the look on Nancy's face, she didn't feel the same way.

"Do you boys enjoy making my job difficult? Do you sit around and think up ways to ruin your careers, or does it just come naturally to you?" she asked. Harry and I both just looked at her, waiting for her to get to the point. "Did you really think that word about you two being all over each other wouldn't get back to me? I know that everyone in the crew has signed confidentiality agreements, but you could still easily be spotted by someone else, and that cannot happen."

"Hard as it may be to believe, we're not thinking about you at all when we're together. We're thinking about each other," Harry began, sounding incredibly pissed off. I could see this conversation becoming contentious quickly, so I spoke up before things got out of hand.

"We're not trying to make your life difficult Nancy, but we're together and it would be impossible for us to hide that all the time. But we do take precautions, and we've made sure that we aren't too obvious about our feelings when we're out in public."

"Be that as it may, we all need to be overly cautious over the next few months. This needs to stay under wraps until the end of the tour, and if you two are still together then-"

"We will be," Harry and I said simultaneously, making my stomach flutter as I took a second to look over at his handsome face and smile. He smiled back at me, making the flutter turn into full on butterflies. I didn't care if it was inappropriate behavior for a business meeting, I couldn't help but pull his hand up to my lips, placing a gentle kiss on the back of it.

"Well, at that point we can discuss the best way for you to come out. We already have people working on a statement, and we'll line up a series of interviews, during which we can make sure that the story is presented in the best possible light."

"This isn't some 'story' we're talking about; it's our lives. You've been controlling us for four years now and we've put up with it, but you're taking it too far," Harry said.

Nancy ignored him completely, and I squeezed his hand, seeing that he was getting angrier by the minute.

"The focus right now needs to be on keeping everything quiet. I've been told that Perrie's going to be announcing your breakup later this week. If you're asked about it you need to say that distance and not enough time together was the culprit. And make sure that you only say nice things about her. We don't need you looking like the bad guy, and we certainly don't want her to change her mind about staying quiet. Got it?"

I nodded as I tried to think of the best way to bring up the baby, but Nancy interrupted my thought process when she handed Harry and I packets of paper. "What's this?"

"This is a contract. It details what we consider innappropriate behaviors and activities that you'll need to avoid for the duration of the tour."

I looked down at the document, and a cursory glance told me that they wanted to prohibit Harry and I from interacting as much as possible.

"No hugging...no kissing...no holding hands...no suggestive comments...stay in separate hotel rooms," Harry read. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I don't enjoy setting rules for you boys, but this is what's best for the band," she insisted.

"Well, why don't we ask the other guys what they think? Because they know that we're in love, and I guaran-fucking-tee that they wouldn't want us to hide who we truly are."

"You need to calm down Harry. This isn't personal, it's business. We need to stay in front of the story, and we can't be blindsided by a scandal because you two do something careless. And when the tour ends, if you're still together-"

"We already fucking told you that we'll still be together. I plan on us being together forever," Harry yelled, standing up and slamming his fist on her desk. "And I'm not signing anything. You can control what we sing and where we go and when we work, but you cannot control this. What Zayn and I have is more important to me than anything else, so unless you want to make One Direction work without us, I suggest you rethink how you want to handle this."

I was still sat in my seat, stunned to see Harry stand up to her like this. It was moments like these, moments when Harry still managed to surprise me, that made me thank whatever higher power had willed this wonderful human being into existence. I still had no idea why he had chosen me, but I was impossibly grateful to Simon for putting the group together, to Louis for daring Harry to kiss me,  and to everything that had led to me being able to claim a piece of his heart. He had claimed mine, completely and totally.

He pulled me up and led me out of the office, ignoring Nancy's protests about how we were still under contract. I could practically see his blood boiling as we rode the lift down to the car park, that's how furious he still was.

I was surprised to find that seeing him get angry like this, and witnessing him stand up for me - for us - was a huge fucking turn on. His face was flushed, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were wild, and I had never wanted him more.

As soon as we were in his SUV I pulled him towards me and slid my hand up his leg. I didn't give a fuck that we were in a parking garage; I needed him. I needed to show him that I was his, completely. I needed him to possess me. I needed him to fuck me, right there in his car.

I grabbed a fistful of his hair as I began to kiss my way from his neck to his mouth, palming him until I felt him start to get hard. "I need you. I need you in me now," I told him, my hand gripping his shirt to bring him closer. "You really put that bitch in her place, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did. I did it for you. I'd do anything for you," he panted against my open mouth. As much as I loved his words I needed his kisses more, so I shut him up by slipping my tongue between his lips. His tongue moving against my own felt incredible, igniting every nerve in my body until I couldn't take it anymore. 

I released him from my grip as I climbed into the back seat. He turned so that he could watch me from the driver's seat, as I leaned back and unbuttoned my jeans, reaching into them and pulling my cock out as soon as I had the room to do so. Harry bit his lip as I began to jerk off, and he struggled to undo his belt and get his jeans pushed down without taking his eyes off of the motion of my hand.

"Get back here," I demanded as I used my free hand to pull off my shirt. He obliged, climbing back beside me and replacing my hand with his own. I leaned towards him so that I could bite at any bare skin that I could find. He moved his hand faster when my teeth made contact with his neck, so I bit into him harder, swiping my tongue over the marks as I pulled away.

He reached into my jeans where they were wrapped around my knees to grab the lube and squirted some into his hand. I stopped him as he reached over to spread it on my cock, shaking my head and moving his hand to his dick. 

His eyes widened in surprise, but I could see lust in them as well. "You sure babe?" he asked, already stroking himself, getting himself ready for me.

Seeing him so worked up made me hotter as well. "I'm sure. However you want me, I'm yours," I told him as I pulled my pants all the way off.

"Fuck," he said, pulling me on top of him so that I was straddling his thighs. I rested my knees against the seat, sitting up so that he could reach beneath me. His slicked up finger slid into me, not stopping until he hit my prostate, making my legs start to quiver. He kissed me as he slipped another finger into me, and I moaned as I felt him scissor his fingers. The pain was still there, but Harry was gentle, and the soft probing of my sweet spot had me begging for more.

I turned around so that I was facing away from him, and he lined his cock up so that I could sink down on him. I did so slowly, my dick getting harder as the pain, the glorious pain, ripped through me. Once he bottomed out I leaned back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, grabbing my neck with one and my cock with the other as he pumped up into me.

I put one foot onto the console in front of me, and the new angle allowed Harry to fuck me even deeper. It felt incredible, and I found my self bouncing up and down on his length, loving the way every inch of him felt sliding in and out of me despite the pain that was still present. Harry began to suck on my neck as he used the lube on his hand and my precome to stroke me faster, sliding his hand all the way from my base to my tip again and again, and before I knew it I was coming with a groan. Hot, white stripes of come landed on my stomach, and Harry moved his other hand to wipe them up as he pumped me dry. He had just brought his fingers, coated with my come, to his mouth as I felt him spill into me, and I clenched around him tighter, wanting him to feel as good as I did.

I winced as I pulled off of him, but the discomfort was worth the look at his face. He didn't look angry anymore; instead he looked unbelievably happy. He looked like I felt. Depsite the drama at Modest, today had been an incredible day. We'd seen our baby for the first time, we'd stood up to Nancy, and we'd shown each other how much we cared about each other, in a number of ways. I couldn't think of anything better.


	52. Chapter 52

                                                                           

I was interrupted from my workout in Harry's home gym with a text from him. I rolled my eyes as I opened it, knowing that he was right upstairs. I may have teased him about how often he texted me, but secretly I loved the fact that he couldn't wait the time it took him to walk down two flights of stairs to communicate with me. I bit back a whimper when I saw that it was a picture of him lying in bed, sheet tented from his dick.

_**ZAYN:** What are you doing Styles?_

_**HARRY:** Thinkin bout u_

Harry never used text speak, so I knew something was up. I slowed the treadmill to a walk as I texted him back.

_**ZAYN:** Are you seriously having a wank right now?_

_**HARRY:** Tried 2 wait for u but ur taking 4ever. Don't b mad. U know it's urs. However u want it, it's urs. Cum upstairs_

_**ZAYN:** Not now love. I'm still sore._

Harry didn't reply, so I increased the treadmill speed once again. But he was in the room before I even made it to a jog, leaning against the doorframe in just his underwear.

"You can't leave me like this babe," he said, motioning towards his cock, which was hard and pointing right at me. "Come on, I'll be really quick. You'll barely notice me."

"I've created a monster. Are you ever  _not_  horny?" I asked as I gave up on my run and moved to the floor to do push-ups.

"Says the guy who begged me to fuck him in a car park yesterday. Besides, it's your fault, working out with that cute little ass in those shorts and no shirt on. You're purposely teasing me."

I understood exactly how he felt. Half the time the only thing that got me out of bed and into the gym was the promise of seeing Harry shirtless and sweaty, curls pushed back by one of his little headbands. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't working out right then so that I could make sure that I looked good for him. I couldn't think of any better motivation.

"I'm sure you'll have another hard on that we can put to good use later."

"Yeah, but I like this one. I don't want to waste it," he pouted.

"Well, I'm not fucking you until you man up and do the ice bucket challenge," I replied, knowing that bribing him would be the fastest way to get him to actually do it. He'd been challenged by several people days before but had avoided following through, though we had both already donated to the cause. I understood his reluctance, since I had threatened him up and down that he better not nominate me for it.

"Let's go do it now then. I need you!" he said, stomping his foot and making me laugh so hard that I struggled to push myself back up. I loved his eagerness, and I hoped he never stopped being so needy and demanding.

"Just let me finish my reps and I'd be happy to dump water on you."

His bare feet appeared in my peripheral vision a second later, and the next thing I knew his face was beneath mine. I held my arms straight and raised my eyebrow, wondering what he had in mind. "I think you need some motivation to finish up faster, so you'll get a kiss every time you come down."

"I think I like the sound of that," I said as I bent my arms until my lips were pressed against his. 

"One," he mumbled as he gave me a big smooch. He counted each of my reps and kissed me for every one of them, though by the time we reached the forties he was also trailing his hands up and down my sides. I barely made it to fifty, collapsing onto the floor and slipping my tongue between his lips as soon as the number was out of his mouth.

He immediately tried to deepen the kiss, but I shook my head and pulled away. "Nuh-huh. Not until you're soaking wet and freezing cold."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're not very nice Zayn?" he asked as he hopped up and stomped out of the room, my laughter following him the whole way.

He dressed in a t-shirt and shorts quickly, though I told him repeatedly that millions of people, myself included, would rather see him do the challenge in his boxers. He ignored me, and secretly I was happy about this, not wanting anyone to see him that way but me.

He recruited his two gardeners to help us, and they both stood on the balcony off of the master bedroom as he stood below. I warmed a towel in his dryer as he waited outside, not wanting him to have to suffer for too long. I was just off camera while he completed the challenge, shooting him a stern look as he made his nominations so that he wouldn't be tempted to name me, and giving him a reassuring smile as he braced himself for the impact of the water.

I winced as it hit him, the force of it coming from two stories above causing him to hop away from the cold stream as quickly as he could. I longed to rush out to him right away, and it seemed like an eternity before the guys shouted that they were done filming. I raced to him as soon as they did, wrapping him up in the warm towel and ushering him inside. 

I peeled his wet clothes off of him and led him to the living room, where I had a cup of hot tea waiting for him. He was shivering, and I held him close as we sat on the sofa, running my hands up and down his arms to help warm him up. He looked so cute and vulnerable sitting there, curls plastered against his forehead and teeth chattering. I pushed his wet hair off of his face as I leaned in to kiss him, trying to spread some of the warmth of my body to his.

"You did so good Haz. I'm so proud of you baby," I murmured against his lips. He smiled at my compliment and I snuggled into him. His misery over being cold and wet seemed to have taken the wind out of his sails, so we just cuddled on the sofa for the rest of the afternoon. It felt great to hole up under a blanket with him, ignoring the world. Ignoring everything but the man that was sat beside me. I barely paid any attention to the romantic comedy that we'd put on, more entertained watching him laugh and feeling him pressed against my body than I was with the story line of the film.

He had warmed up pretty quickly, but we remained huddled under the blanket, my arm wrapped around his shoulders and my leg thrown over his. He'd discarded all of his wet clothing, and knowing that he was naked was driving me crazy. But I still avoided moving things further, content to just hold him close.

Even after he'd fully recovered, I still felt bad that he'd had to go through anything that had caused him even a moment of discomfort. He was my baby, and seeing him cold and miserable had affected me more than I'd expected it too, though I was glad that I had been the one who was there to warm him up afterwards. I placed a kiss on his head where it rested against my shoulder, knowing that I would do anything to make him happy. 

"Is it too early to start thinking about baby names?" I asked him after the second movie ended.

He looked up at me with a bright smile. "No way," he said as he sat up so that he could look me in the eye. "I'd really like the baby to have both of our last names, no matter whose it ends up being. What do you think?"

I felt my heart beat a little faster as I took in his words. "I love that idea. Little baby Malik-Styles. No wait, Styles-Malik has a better ring to it, yeah?"

"Yeah," he said with a little smile that looked so cute that I couldn't resist tackling him. I landed on top of him on the sofa, showering him with kisses and love before wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. All the fight left his body as he melted into my hug. His body was completely pliant beneath mine, and he looked sweet and innocent and absolutely perfect as I stroked his cheeks with my fingers.

"We're gonna be dads," I said, a huge grin spreading across my face. 

"I know. In just a few months we'll be living here, together, with a baby of our own. I can't wait."

"Me either," I agreed, hugging him even tighter. I couldn't wait, and I couldn't think of anything better than the idea of starting a family with him. This was all happening so much sooner than I'd ever expected it to, but pretty much everything good in my life had happened ahead of schedule, so why should this be any different? As long as we were together, I knew that anything that made us more of a family could be nothing but a blessing.


	53. Chapter 53

                                                                                    

It turns out that Nancy was serious about keeping Harry and me apart as much as possible. The number of interviews we were scheduled for had been drastically decreased, but when we did have to do one they separated us into groups, and needless to say, he and I were never grouped together.

They also changed our choreography so that he and I were hardly ever on the same part of the stage at once. It became almost like a game, trying to come up with excuses to ignore our stage directions and  _accidentally_  bump into each other. And the lingering looks we managed to give each other, even from the other side of the stage, started to feel a lot like foreplay.

And I could understand why management was so insistent on keeping us apart; it felt like a good rule to have in place when I'd look over at Harry, singing his heart out, and I'd have to stop myself from running over to him so that I could lick at the skin peeking out of the vee of his t-shirt, not stopping until I tasted his sweat. It made it painful to look at him sometimes, how beautiful he was and how open and loving he was with the fans. I swear I was just as starstruck with him as they were, amazed by how he seemed able to whip everyone into a frenzy with a strong note or even one of his silly jokes. He was fucking amazing, and I couldn't believe that he was mine.

Seeing him perform and listening to his raspy voice - god was there anything sexier than the soft growl of his voice? - made me forget at times that I was there to put on a show and not just watch him. At those moments I had to look away, instead focusing on the sea of screaming faces, thankful that most of our fans were young girls so that I didn't have to see any couples kissing as they swayed along to our music, since that was all I wanted to be doing with Harry. I wanted to kiss him as we stood in a crowd of strangers, so long and so hard that our lips became swollen and sore. I hated that the idea of being able to kiss him like that seemed like an impossible dream, so I pretended that it wasn't, fantasizing about what it would be like to snog him in public with no shame or repercussions.

By the time the shows ended I was usually so hot for him that I could barely wait to get back to the hotel, and if it was a night that we were going to be on the bus then we made sure we found a place to be alone in the arena, be it a bathroom or a dark hallway, or once the back row of the nosebleed section.

Harry'd told me before, in the breathless moments before he came, how much he enjoyed me dominating him. His whispered confessions about how good my weight felt on top of him, about how the strong grip of my hands made him come harder than he ever could with anyone else, made me want to fuck him harder and grip him tighter. I suspected that the reason he liked it was because those moments, when it was just the two of us, naked and needy, were the only times when he didn't have to worry about making millions of fans happy, because for that short period of time, when he would do anything I wanted, I was the only person he needed to please.

I could tell from the way that he was eyeing me from across the room before the show in Turin, Italy, ignoring all the girls at the meet and greet who were throwing themselves at him, that it was going to be one of those nights. He wanted me to be in charge, to order him not to come until I said he could. He wanted it rough, and I knew that I was the only person who could give it to him hard enough to make his toes curl and his eyes roll back in his head.

And even if I knew that no girl, no one really, could ever fuck him or love him like I did, it still felt like I was competing with the whole world for his attention when a busty girl made a show of slipping him her hotel key. So I was going to remind him of why I was the only one for him, as soon as the show was over.

On that particular night it was pouring, so hard that I was surprised they still expected us to perform. We were absolutely drenched before the end of the opening number, and I was fucking miserable. The other guys seemed to be having fun with the rain, splashing around like this was their idea of a good time, but I was struggling. The only thing that kept me going was the way that Harry was looking at me, his gaze following me wherever I went. He looked at me like he was dying of thirst and I was a tall glass of water, and the idea that he wanted me, even soaking wet, was the only thing that kept me from throwing in the towel. We had been separated for most of the show, but as soon as we were in the same vicinity I felt his hot breath against the back of my neck.

"Whatever you do, don't dry off. I've never seen you look so fucking sexy," he said, causing my cock to twitch.

My hands were shaking as I led him down a series of hallways as soon as the crowds dispersed, pausing to kiss him in the stairwell because I couldn't wait to taste him, his face still wet with rainwater. This all still felt so new to me. Not because he was a guy - I knew his body as well as my own by now, knew how to make him hard, how to make him shake and scream and come - but because of how much I loved him.

Even when it seemed like we were just fucking, like we were racing to finish, like coming was the only thing on our minds, it was still so much more than that because of the love we shared. I might pin him down with my body and cover his mouth with my hand and fuck him as hard as I could, so hard he could barely take it, but underneath all that the love I felt for him was ever present. I'd never had that before him, and it made everything so much better than I ever could have imagined.

I pulled away from him when I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket, knowing that our handlers were already looking for us. They'd probably been trying Harry's mobile as well but he ignored it just as I did. Knowing that we were doing something forbidden, that we could have gotten caught at any moment, made my heart beat a little faster as I led him to the highest row in the stadium. We could see the whole arena from there, but someone would have had to know where to look to spot us. Being out in the open like that made it all even more exciting.

Harry licked his lips as I pushed him down into one of the plastic seats. I had to bite back a chuckle at the absurdity of it all, because it wouldn't do to laugh, not when I could already see him straining against his zipper. Not when I knew exactly how he wanted me to play it.

"You're really desperate for it, aren't you?"

He nodded unabashedly. "If you had asked me before tonight if there was anything better than seeing you naked in the shower I would have said no way, but fuck do you look good right now. I could barely make it through my parts. All I could think about was you bending me over."

"Are you sure you even want me, huh? Sure you're not thinking about that slut from before the show?"

Harry's eyes lit up when he saw how angry I was. "She did have a nice rack, didn't she?" he asked, making me clench my jaw.

"I saw you take her hotel key. Planning on sneaking out later so you can fuck her? So you can act like the little whore that you are?"

"I am a whore. I'm your whore," he moaned, trailing his hands up my leg.

"That's right, and I can do with you whatever I want. No more touching me. Stand up," I ordered as I pulled his scarf off of his head and used it to tie his hands behind his back. "Now get on your knees. I think I've heard enough from you for right now," I said, unbuttoning my jeans and pulling out my cock. "I'm sure we can find a better way for you to put your mouth to good use."

He wasted no time, leaning forward and licking my slit before swirling his tongue around my tip. We were still being pummeled by the rain, but I no longer noticed it. All I could focus on was the man kneeling in front of me, sucking me off like his life depended on it.

"You like that, don't you?" I growled as he took me further into his mouth. He moaned around me, causing my hips to stutter. "Couldn't do this with that skank now could you?"

He sucked me harder in response, hollowing out his cheeks as he moved me in and out of his mouth. I ran both of my hands through his wet curls, gripping it so that I could hold his head in place. He relaxed his jaw immediately, allowing me to fuck his mouth harder. 

"You really are an expert cock sucker, aren't you? You know you can't have this with anybody else. Only me. Whose dick can you suck Harry? Whose?" I asked him, pulling his head back harshly and angling it so that he had to look up at me.

"Yours. Only yours."

"That's fucking right only mine. Now stand up so I can fuck you," I demanded. He struggled to stand with his hands tied behind his back so I yanked him up, getting right in his face and rubbing my hand over his dick as soon as he was upright. He tried to close the distance between us but I pushed him back, squeezing his cock even harder. "You don't get to kiss me. Whores who take girl's hotel room keys don't get kisses. You know what else they don't get? Prepped," I said as I undid his jeans and pushed them down.

I could see him gasp as the cold rain hit his dick, which was already mouth-wateringly wet with precome. "Look at you, you're practically panting for my cock. You can't wait to have me inside you, can you?" 

I didn't wait for an answer, spinning him around and kicking his legs apart as I untied his scarf so that he could brace himself on the back of the seat. "Don't you fucking dare touch your dick. You are here just to please me, got it?" I asked as I pressed my length against his entrance. He only whimpered in response so I pushed into him, loving the desperate moan that escaped his mouth as I did so.

"You. Are. Mine. You. Belong. To. Me," I told him as I thrusted into him, as deep as I could. His legs soon started to shake so I gripped his hips harder, wanting him to feel every inch of me as I pounded him. "Who else can make you feel this good, huh Haz? Tell me who," I demanded as I reached around to stroke him.

"No one but you baby. Fuck Zee, you're the best. You're the only one," he promised. 

I leaned over him as I pumped into him, trying to protect him from the pouring rain as much as I could. Every part of my body was connected to his, from my hair brushing against his neck to my lips pressed against his shoulder to my chest against his back to where I was inside of him, in the most intimate way possible, but still I wanted more.

I could tell that Harry felt the same way. He nudged me further all the time, chants of  _tighter_ ,  _faster_ ,  _harder_  falling from his lips even when I thought that I couldn't hold him any tighter, fuck him any faster or love him any harder. But I always found a way to, for him and for me.

I leaned back and put my foot on one of the seats so that I could fuck him harder, loving the way he panted my name as he came, clenching around me until I spilled into him, so hard that it made my knees weak. I pulled out of him and fell into the seat beside him, pulling him down so that I could kiss him, sliding my tongue into his parted lips gently, so that he would feel how much I loved him. How much I needed him.

"Are you okay love?"

He looked at me with a lazy smirk. "I'm better than okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I couldn't resist adding this. The heavens opened and millions of fans rejoiced. One Direction in the rain was a great day, and it needed to be included.


	54. Chapter 54

                                                                           

Harry and I stumbled into the dressing room a few minutes later, and we were met first by Paul. I could tell that he was trying his best to look angry, but I think deep down he was just relieved that Harry and I were both happy again. "You boys can't just run off like that. It's not safe."

I just smiled at him as he left the room, putting my arm around Harry's shoulder and giving him a big smooch on the cheek. I was still buzzing, from the show and the sex, and I wasn't about to let anyone put a damper on my good mood. Luckily the guys were the only other people in the room, and I figured that they wouldn't give us too much crap. Liam just gave us a fond look like the good big brother her was, while Niall laughed and mumbled something about us taking the term 'butt brothers' too far. Louis, of course, had something more to say.

"Oh, look who's back from their little sex romp. Aren't you two just positively glowing. Where have you been off to then? Didn't feel like asking the rest of us to join you on your little escapade?"

"Maybe next time Lou," I said, blowing him a kiss. He caught it in the air and I smiled brightly, thrilled with how supportive they were all being. I only hoped that they'd feel the same way after they found out about the baby, and I figured that now was as good a time as ever to find out. I looked over at Harry and he shrugged before nudging me forward with his shoulder, obviously thinking the same thing.

"Ummm, so guys, there's something we need to tell you," I started, before leaning back to whisper in Harry's ear. "We probably should've thought of the best way to word this before now."

"Probably," he giggled. Real fucking helpful Haz.

"Uh yeah, so you guys know that Harry and I are pretty serious..."

" _Really_  serious," he interjected, and I rolled my eyes, several of the other boys joining me.

"So, you already know that we're moving in together, but we've got some other news as well. Some really sick news that we're very happy about. And we hope you will be too," I said pointedly, hoping to influence their reactions. "So yeah, we're...ummm, we're having a baby."

My announcement was met by blank stares. Liam was the first to recover, clearing his throat before asking, "You mean you're adopting a baby?"

"A real, live baby?" Louis added.

"No. Jade'spregnantandoneofusisthefather," I blurted out, as quickly as I could.

"Did you just say that Jade's pregnant? And one of you is the father? And you don't know which one?" Liam asked in disbelief, his voice getting higher and higher with each question, as Louis put his head in his hands and Niall let out a loud cackle.

"Only you two arses would be dumb enough to have a threesome, with your fiancée's best mate no less," Niall said, pointing at me, "and knock her up. So now you can have a secret love child to go along with your secret love affair. Classic!"

"Yep, that pretty much sums it up," Harry agreed with a laugh.

Liam cleared his throat. "I'll say it again. You don't know which of you is the father?"

"No. We won't know until the baby's born I guess," I admitted.

"But it really doesn't matter," Harry said, interlocking his hand with my own. "It's going to be  _our_  baby, no matter what."

"And you guys are okay with this? You want her to keep it?" Louis asked.

"We're more than okay with it. This might be our only chance to have a baby, you know?" I said, and Harry nodded in agreement beside me.

"Then I guess we're okay with it too," Liam said, and I let out a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding at his words.

"Well then congrats papas!" Niall said, pulling us over so that we could have a group hug. I squeezed them all tight, thankful beyond belief for their friendship.

"Wait, have you guys told Modest yet?" Liam asked.

I blanched at his question. "Uhhh yeah, we've kinda been avoiding that. Let's just keep it between us for now, yeah boys?"

"You guys are gonna be in such deep shit," Louis said with a sly grin. I nodded my head, because between explaining this to management, and our parents, and then the world, we really were going to be in deep shit.

***

I woke up the next morning feeling absolutely miserable. Every bone in my body seemed to ache, and my sinuses felt like they'd been pounded by a hammer. I immediately knew that staying out in the rain for so long had been a mistake, though I couldn't bring myself to regret it, even when I heard how scratchy my voice sounded when I called Paul to let him know that I wasn't feeling well.

I begged off his threat of making me see a doctor, figuring that a day of rest was all that I would need to make me feel better. But the lads were knocking on our door before breakfast, asking if we wanted to go explore the city with them.

"Sorry guys, but Zayn's sick. We can't go," Harry told them.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that you two were attached at the hip," Niall said. "C'mon, you can still come Harry."

"No, you guys go on ahead. I'm going to stay here and take care of him," Harry insisted. I held in my protests, knowing that his idea of taking care of me was probably going to be smothering me, which under normal circumstances I would be all for, but not when I was feeling like shit.

I saw Liam shoot Harry a skeptical look from across the room.  _Everyone_  knew that it was best to keep their distance from me when I wasn't feeling well. But something about Harry's face must have told them that there was no use in arguing.

"It's your funeral mate," Louis said, slapping Harry on the back and strolling out of the room.

"You should go with them Haz. I'll be horrible company, and I'm sure that some peace and quiet will do me good," I told him, as gently as I could.

"Well, I want to stay. Don't worry, you won't even know I'm here," he reassured before jumping up on the bed so hard that it made my sore bones rattle.

I let out a pointed sigh and moved as far away from him as possible as he began to rearrange the pillows until he was comfortable, humming the entire time. "Yeah, this is just like being by myself."

He didn't stop humming; in fact he ignored me completely as he flipped the telly on, so I started humming too. I decided on I Knew You Were Trouble, knowing that he hated it because everyone thought that Taylor wrote it about him. Their whole relationship was such a sham that I couldn't even bring myself to get jealous over the thought of them together, but I knew that he always changed the station when it came on the radio, and if he wasn't going to leave me alone then he might as well be as miserable as I was.

But Harry was as stubborn as he was annoying, and I ended up giving up on humming long before he did, which only pissed me off more.

"Will you shut the bloody hell up? Can't you see that I'm sick over here?" I grumbled, blowing my nose to emphasize my point.

He was quiet for a whopping thirty seconds before he turned to face me on the bed.

"Hey Zee, guess what?"

I sighed. "What Harry?"

"I love you."

"Well, I don't love you. Not right now. You're obnoxious and I just want to be left alone," I pouted.

"Want to hear a joke?"

"No," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Knock knock." Silence. "Come on Zayn...knock knock," he started once again, but I continued to ignore him, looking anywhere but at him.

"It's not going to work you know. You trying to piss me off. You're too adorable for me to be mad at, even when you're annoyed with me. Your red nose and hacking cough are just too damn sexy."

I didn't say anything, instead making a big show of coughing to show him how sick I was feeling.

"Oh, come on. What can I do to make you feel better? Want me to do a little dance for you?" he asked, hopping off the bed and doing a shuffle, complete with jazz hands. I bit back a laugh before giving into it as he started to shimmy.

"Okay, fine! What do you want?"

"I just want to take care of you. You always take care of me, so let me return the favor. Please?"

"Okay, okay. Just stop bouncing around and tell me a story or something. Like, when did you first start to think of me, like as more than a friend?" I asked him, figuring that if I was a captive audience I might as well ask him something I'd been wondering about for a while.

"Probably when you got rid of that awful blonde streak," he teased.

"Shut up. Come on, when did you really?"

"I don't know, honestly. I think it was a gradual thing," he said as he reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. "I remember being jealous of how good looking you were at boot camp, but then I met you and you were super smart and cool and kind of gangsta, and I was even more jealous. But I knew that we'd be good friends, you know? And then we were put in the group and it just felt kind of different to hug you than it did to hug the other guys."

"I felt it too. When we hugged, I mean. I swear I'd never been hugged like that before. Never felt like that before," I admitted, scooting closer to him and resting my head against his broad shoulder.

"Yeah. And then my feelings for you just kind of grew, without me even knowing what was happening," he continued, his lips grazing my forehead with every word. "You seemed to open up and get goofier the closer we all got, and I just loved it. It was like seeing you blossom, and I couldn't get enough. Hearing you giggle made me feel all fluttery inside, and I didn't know why, but I wanted to feel more of it. I was always trying to make you laugh. I didn't even care if you were laughing at me, as long as it meant that I could hear you giggle and see you smile with your tongue peeking out from your teeth."

He paused, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. "I think it was after the Live While We're Young video that things really changed for me. You looked so adorable for the whole shoot and you didn't complain once about getting into the water even though you were scared, and I was just so proud of you. And that night I had a dream about you in that wet t-shirt, and I woke up hard and that was kind of it for me," he told me, making my heart beat so hard that it felt like I was in one of those cartoons; like I was so in love with him that my heart was beating outside of my chest.

"I started thinking about you all the time after that, until it was like I couldn't get off unless I was imagining you. I thought for sure you'd notice me staring at you all the time," he chuckled. "I couldn't take my eyes off your lips, or your eyes, or your anything, and I used any excuse to touch you that I could. You really didn't notice?"

I shook my head. "I was just so happy whenever you paid attention to me that I never thought to wonder why you were bothering."

"Well, when did you fall for me?" he asked quietly, almost like he was scared to hear the answer.

"Honestly, I think I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you, way back on audition day. I'd just never felt so strongly about someone that I'd never met before, or anyone really, but I told myself that I just wanted to be your friend. And yeah, I dreamed about you too, and sometimes when I saw you changing or when you'd smile at me in a certain way I'd get turned on, but I'd always try to rationalize it like it wasn't really you that was making me feel that way. But it was you. It was always you, right from the beginning."

"And now it will be us," he said, holding me closer, so close that I could feel his breath whisper against my cheek. "It'll always be us, until the end."


	55. Chapter 55

                                                                                    

I must have dozed off in Harry's arms, because the next time I opened my eyes I was still cuddled against him, my head resting against his chest and my arm slung over his stomach, and it was already getting dark outside. I buried my head in his neck, loving how warm he was and how safe he made me feel.

"Babe, you awake?" he asked, and I realized that his voice must have been what woke me up.

"Yeah," I murmured as I rolled off of him and stretched. "What time is it?"

"It's getting late. I think your fever's broken," he said as he pressed the back of his hand to my forehead, taking my temperature just like my mum used to. "But you still sound stuffed up, so I'm going to start a hot shower for you. It should help clear your sinuses and make you feel a bit better. I'll order some room service so you can eat when you get out. What are you hungry for?"

I smiled at him weakly as I got out of bed, thinking that maybe him taking care of me wasn't so bad after all. "I'm not that hungry so whatever you want is fine."

"Nonsense," he called from the bathroom. "I'll order you some soup. It always makes me feel better when I have a cold. Come get in the shower and it'll be waiting for you when you get out."

"Thanks love," I said, squeezing his hand as I walked by him towards the bathroom. I poked my head out of the door just before I shut it. "You sure you don't want to join me in here?" I asked, thinking of about a dozen ways I could show him how much I appreciated him.

He laughed. "I think we better wait until you're back at a hundred percent. I doubt you can handle all this," he said, gesturing up and down his body, "in your weakened state."

I pouted at him, sticking my lower lip out and shooting him puppy dog eyes, but he just chuckled and picked up the room phone, so I gave up and got in the shower.

Harry had been right; the hot water did make me feel a million times better. Not great, but still a vast improvement. I dried off and wrapped a towel around my waist quickly, eager to apologize for being such a dick earlier and to thank him for coddling me, but the room was empty when I walked into it. I found my phone sitting on the room service table, right next to the chicken noodle soup and crackers that he'd ordered for me, and when I picked it up I saw that I had a text from him.

_**HARRY:** I'm going our with Louis. Don't wait up _

I tried to text him back but he didn't respond, so I gave him a call but he didn't answer. I frowned, wondering what could've been so important that he couldn't be bothered to say goodbye. I knew that I had been complaining about Harry's company all day, but as I sat down to eat my soup, alone, I found myself wishing that he would hurry back.

***

Even from a distance, management had been doing a pretty good job of keeping Harry and me apart, and it was fucking obnoxious. They couldn't really do anything about us being together when we were on the bus, but security had been told that we weren't to room together when we were staying in hotels. Luckily most of them were pretty chill, but their jobs were still on the line, so Harry and I had to be far more discreet than we liked. Which meant that we were spending less of our down time together, only able to sneak into each other's rooms after the majority of the crew had gone to bed.

Which made it extra fucking annoying that it was one a.m. and I was sitting alone in Harry's room while he was off at some club with Louis. Plus, he hadn't even asked me if I wanted to go with him, hell he hadn't even been the one to tell me that he was going to a club; no, I had to find that out from Niall. And sure, he knew how much I hated that scene and that I wasn't feeling well, but he still could have extended the fucking invitation. I'd snuck into his room as soon as I was able, wanting to see him as soon as he got back, but that had been hours ago. Each minute seemed like an eternity, and my imagination had started to get the best of me.

All I could picture were all the beautiful women that were probably at the club, all focused on the one and only Harry Styles. I'd made Niall describe what he'd been wearing when he left the hotel and fuck, it was sounded barely decent. And he was surely drinking, which meant that he was hot and drunk and surrounded by woman who would do anything to have a piece of him. And that wasn't even counting Louis. I'd already found out the hard way how _he_  acted around Harry when he was drunk.

Add in the fact that Harry hadn't been answering any of my increasingly frantic texts, and I was practically crawling the walls, about to flip the fuck out. I'd starting drinking just after he'd ignored my fourth text, hoping that it would calm me down, but it did the opposite. Now all I was able to think of was Harry, drunk, in a club, touching someone who wasn't me.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him, because I really didn't think that he would intentionally hurt me. But he was wild and reckless when he was drunk, something that I usually benefited from when I was out with him. I loved it when he couldn't wait until we got home, sneaking kisses behind dark corners and begging to suck me off in the loo, but I wasn't with him this time, and that was a problem. Plus I knew first hand how hard it could be to resist all the temptation that was thrown our way. Knowing that you could have pretty much anything you wanted the minute you wanted it, that nothing was off limits, from drugs to girls to sex, was as intoxicating as the drugs and girls and sex themselves were.

It was almost two in the morning when I decided that I'd finally had enough; I needed to go and hunt him down. I dressed quickly and was knocking on Paddy's door a moment later. He answered almost immediately, though I could tell that he must have been sleeping.

"Do you know where Harry is?"

"Zayn, it's late. Why don't you go back to bed? I'm sure he'll be back shortly."

"TELL ME WHERE HE IS!" I yelled, before running my hands over my face to try to calm myself down. "I'm sorry Paddy, but he's not responding to my texts or calls. I just...I just need to know that he's okay. I need to see him."

He let out a deep sigh and was quiet for a moment. "Fine. I'll take you to the club, but you two can't do anything that's going to get me in trouble, got it?"

I nodded gratefully and followed him down to the van. The ride to the club only took a few minutes, but they seemed interminable to me, my mind still torturing me with thoughts of what Harry could be doing that was making him unable to answer my texts. Would I find him with a girl? With another guy? With Louis? Was he hurt or passed out? Or was he just not thinking of me at all? I knew that I wouldn't feel better until I saw him with my own eyes and was able to confirm that he and I were okay.

Louis was one of the first people I saw when I got inside the club, whose dim lighting wasn't doing much to hide how run down it was. It didn't seem to be very crowded, and he noticed me right away.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as he rushed up to me.

"I'm looking for Harry," I said, standing on my tip toes to try to look over his head. He shifted his body and put his hands on my shoulders, blocking my view of the entire room, which only made me more suspicious over what he didn't want me to see. "Is there a problem Louis?"

"I really don't think you should be here. He's in rare form tonight. Just let him cool off and you can talk to him tomorrow."

"No fucking way. I need to talk to him now," I said, pushing him aside so that I could scan the room for Harry. I spotted him almost immediately, and I could tell right away that he was wasted. He was standing off to the side with some of the security guys, wearing a beanie with his curls sticking out and a black vest top under a black see-through mesh shirt, allowing everyone in the room a view of his tattoos peeking out. It looked so goddamn sexy on him that I was torn between wanting to rip it off so that I could see more of his skin and wanting to throw a coat over him so that no one else could see any of him. He had a drink in each hand, but as soon as he spotted me he downed both of them and shot me a dirty look as he moved closer to a group of girls that was nearby. He looked away from me so that he could smile at them, and I fucking lost it. No fucking way should he be smiling like that, all drunk and dimply, at them and not me.

I stormed over to him, grabbing the back of his shirt to pull him away from them and towards me. I moved my hands to his hips pushed him backwards, not stopping until we were in a tiny hallway that offered us a bit of privacy. Even then I didn't let go of him, needing to hold on to something, afraid that I would punch the wall if my hands were free. So I squeezed him tighter, so tight that he would probably have finger shaped bruises in the morning. I opened my mouth to let him have it, but he spoke before I could.

"The fuck are you doin' here?" he slurred, his tone and the look in his eyes just as cruel as his words.

The speech I'd been preparing all night, the one that had got longer and longer with each drink I'd taken, froze in my throat, my anger replaced with hurt and worry as I realized that if he was this unhappy to see me, something terrible must have happened.


	56. Chapter 56

                                                                                    

"You don't want me here?" I asked, the hurt clear in my voice.

"Did I ask you to come?" he demanded as he struggled to push me away from him.

"Well, no, but you weren't answering any of my texts and I was worried..."

"And lemme guess, now you wanna bitch about how late it is and blah blah blah," he sneered, standing as far away from me as the small space would allow.

"What the fuck is your problem Harry?"

"Oh, I don't have a problem. I just love getting five billion texts from you.  _Where are you? Are you drunk? I'm lonely._  We're not fucking married Zayn. You can't control everything I do."

I grabbed my stomach as he spoke, his words hurting me just as much as a punch would have.

"Seriously, what is going on right now? Cause I'm lost," I admitted, walking towards him as if that would enable me to force a straight answer out of him. "We were cuddling in bed a few hours ago and now you're being a complete dick."

"Yeah, I'm such a dick, and I bet you just can't wait to run off to talk to Jade about it!" he yelled, getting right up in my face.

I pushed him away from me and ran my hand through my hair in confusion. "What the fuck are talking about?"

"I saw your phone. You've been texting Jade every fucking day, talking about baby names and what color you want to paint the nursery. What the fuck Zayn? You should be talking about that stuff with me."

I groaned in frustration. "I do talk about that stuff with you, you fucking idiot. We talk about the baby all the time. Stop being ridiculous."

"Oh, I'm ridiculous? Well, we'll just add that to the list then. What else am I? Oh, that's right. I'm annoying and I smother you and you wish I would give you some space."

I cringed, realizing that he must have seen the text that I'd sent Jade earlier, when I was sick and grumpy and just wanted to be alone. And Harry was right, I had been texting her, but not for the reasons that he was assuming. I just wanted to check on her, and the baby. Plus, she was a cool girl, someone that I could see myself being friends with. But I certainly didn't feel anything more towards her, and she was no competition for Harry. No one was.

He must have taken my pause for an admission of guilt, because he looked even more pissed off when I looked back up at him. "You like her, don't you? Of course you fucking do," he said, punctuating his words by poking me in the chest, again and again, until I was pressed up against the wall. "How could I have been so stupid? You don't even like boys!"

I felt my anger rising, pissed off beyond belief that he would accuse me of liking someone else while I was with him. "So what are you gonna do then? You gonna leave me again? You ready to walk away?"

"You can't bring that shit up every time you're mad at me for the rest of our lives!" he roared.

"And you can't flirt with girls every time you're pissed at me," I yelled right back, before taking a deep breath. "Hazza," I sighed. "Let's stop this, okay? You know there's nobody for me but you. It's always been you and it always will be you. Always and forever."

He looked at me, eyes shining. "Not when she can give you the one thing I can't."

"There's nothing she can give me that you can't. You're all I need."

"I can't give you a baby."

"She's not giving  _me_  a baby. She's giving  _us_  a baby."

"Well, why do you feel the need to talk to her all the time? Why aren't I enough for you?"

"She's going to be in our lives forever, and I just want us all to be friends. But that doesn't mean that I like her as anything more than a friend and the mother of our child. _You_  are the only person I like as more than that, and I'd want to be with you even if it meant that I'd never get to be a father. You're worth any sacrifice."

"But I don't want you to have to sacrifice anything."

"Don't you see, this way we get it all."

"But I don't want you to be her friend. I wanna be your everything. I wanna be the one you complain to, not the one you complain about. The one who knows all your secrets and scars. I want it all to be me. I wanna be the only one you need."

At that moment I wished that I could show him. That I could open up my heart and my mind and my soul and show him that he was all that I thought about. That he was the one who never failed to make me smile. That he was the only one for me. If he could just see how much I loved him, truly loved him, with every part of me, then he would never have to have these kinds of worries again. He would know that I never wanted to be with anyone but him. That I never could be with anyone but him.

I took a quick look around to see if we were being watched. I only saw Paddy's back at the other end of the hall, blocking anyone from getting by, so I leaned forward to give him a quick kiss. "You are the only one I need. You're my everything," I breathed against his lips.

He ran his hand through my hair, his fingernails scraping my scalp as he slipped his other hand up my shirt and his tongue between my lips. I reached down to grasp his bum so that I could pull him closer, biting his lip as he moaned against my my mouth. He tried to deepen the kiss but I pulled away, knowing that we couldn't go too far in such a public area.

"Hotel?"

He shook his head. "Can't wait that long. Bathroom," he ordered, dragging me towards the loo.

I loved it when he got demanding like this, so I followed him eagerly. As soon as the door was locked he was on me, pushing me up against the sink and kissing me roughly. His hands were everywhere, tearing at my clothes and digging into my skin until I could barely think straight. Just moments before I had been ready to wring his neck, and now all I could think about was how much I wanted him. All of his body was pressed up against all of mine, and it felt so fucking good, just as his lips on my neck and his hands on my ass did.

He moved his hands lower, lifting me up and setting me on the edge of the sink. I spread my legs so that he could stand between them, which allowed him to rub against me in the most perfect way. I could feel how hard he was, even through the fabric of both of our jeans. I longed to take them off of him, to slide them down so that I could really feel him, skin to skin.

He must have had the same idea, because he stepped back and slid my zipper down before shoving his hand into my pants. "You love me," he panted against my neck, skimming his palm over my dick as he coaxed a drop of precome out of it. "Only me."

"Only you," I murmured in agreement, leaning my head back against the mirror so that I could buck my hips up into his hand.

"I'm sorry I doubted you baby. So sorry. Lemme show you how sorry," he said as he dropped to his knees, pulling my jeans down with him. His mouth was on me a second later, joined by his hand cupping my balls. He shifted my legs until they were both on his shoulders, allowing him to lap at my perineum before tickling my entrance with the tip of his tongue. I gripped the edge of the sink with one hand, so hard that I felt like I might dent the porcelain, while I moved my other hand to my mouth, needing to stifle my moans. Because I couldn't hold them back; it all felt too fucking good for me to keep quiet.

I knew that it might be better if I told him to stop, that I could let the anticipation drive me wild if I pushed him away until I was ready to sink into him, but the truth was that I craved all of him. Not just the tight heat of his ass, which belonged only to me, but his body and his hands and his mouth. I wanted it all, and the fact that he could please me in so many ways, that he knew how to make me come with just a flick of his wrist or a swirl of his tongue, made me fucking mad with lust.

He moved his mouth back to my cock as he slid a finger into my ass, crooking it until it was pressed up against my g-spot. He rubbed it again and again, so quickly that I felt like his finger was vibrating inside of me, all while continuing to slide my length in and out of his mouth. He moved his other hand to cup my balls again just as he hollowed his cheeks and it was all too much. I swear I saw stars as I came, my head jerking back into the mirror hard enough to crack it. I couldn't be bothered to care, about the mirror or the pain, too focused on how he was taking it all, drinking me down like a good boy. It felt like my whole body was involved in the orgasm; not just my dick but my ass and my balls and even my heart. It was almost indescribable, how good it all felt.

He looked so dirty, sitting on the bathroom floor and gazing up at me, lips bright red and raw, with a hint of my come on the corner of his mouth. I wiped it up with my thumb before bringing it to my own mouth to suck it off, and I could see him start to palm himself through his jeans as his eyes darkened even further.

"Suck," I ordered, shoving my fingers into his mouth. He lapped them at them fervently, and as soon as they were coated I hauled him up and spun him around. His jeans were soon undone and I pulled them down before pushing him forward slightly so that his hands rested against the sink. I knelt down between his spread legs and wasted no time in slipping my tongue into his hole. I loved doing this more and more each time; loved the way I could feel him clench around my tongue as I prodded him and the way that I could make his knees give out if I flicked his entrance fast enough.

My cock was hard again my the time I pushed two fingers into him, the sound of his pants and moans enough to revive it. As soon as he was prepped I stood back up, using one hand to guide my d!ck into him as I used the other to pull him up straighter, wanting to kiss him as I fucked him. My tongue slid into his mouth as my d!ck slid into his ass, not stopping until I had filled him completely.

I pulled away from his face and pushed him forward once again, gripping his sides and swiveling my hips so that he could feel every inch of me as I pounded him. He moaned each time I bottomed out, so I increased my pace, my eyes rolling back in my head at the sensation of him wrapped around me. I looked at his reflection in the mirror, and even though the broken shards of glass splintered his face, making it look like a kaleidoscope of separate parts, he still looked fucking perfect.

"You're so beautiful Haz. I love you so much."

He looked back at me for a moment before squeezing his eyes shut as the pleasure overtook him. I could feel my own orgasm building, getting ready to rip through me, so I quickly moved my hand to his cock, which was already slick with precome. I wrapped my fingers around him, loving how he managed to feel hard yet soft at the same time. I jacked him off as fast as I could, and I could see him staring at my hand, which was probably just a blur on his cock as I moved it so quickly that my wrist ached with the effort. 

I felt him clench even tighter around me - impossibly tight - as he came, and I followed suit, spilling into him as I moaned his name.

"Harry, I love you so much. Only you," I grunted as I continued to fuck him until my cock became soft and sensitive and I had to pull out. He stayed where he was for a moment before turning around slowly, a cheeky grin already in place.

"It better only be me," he warned, his threat weakened when it was followed immediately by a sweet kiss. I laughed against his lips. Our relationship often felt like a roller coaster, full of twists and turns and more highs and lows than I could count, but it was one ride that I didn't ever want to get off of. So he could threaten me all he wanted, because I had no doubt that, despite how infuriating he could be, he was the only one for me.


	57. Chapter 57

                                                                           

Paddy didn't look too happy when Harry and I finally exited the loo, but he just rolled his eyes as he pulled my shirt up higher on my neck.

"You've got a little something there, Malik."

Harry's eyes lit up. "Ohhh, you do! What could that be?" he asked as he poked the love bite he'd just given me.

"Everything all right now?" Louis asked once we were all settled in the van and headed back to the hotel.

"Right as rain," I said, resting my head against Harry's shoulder. I was exhausted, worn out from being sick and worried and the fighting and the making up.

"You two are absolutely ridiculous, you know that, right?"

"We know Lou, we know," Harry agreed. "But we're never boring, you gotta give us that." His voice sounded even raspier than normal, and I hoped that it was just from yelling at me and not a sign that he was getting sick. Fuck, I must really be in love with him if I'd rather he wear his voice out screaming at me, accusing me of all sorts of traitorous acts, than have him be ill.

Harry was right about one thing; we were never boring. But this whole fight, from beginning to end, had been absurd. It all stemmed from insecurity and jealousy, both his and mine, and I knew that we needed to come up with a way to get over these issues.

Millions of girls the world over fancied Harry. They thought that if they could just meet him, talk to him, touch him, kiss him, that he would fall in love with them, but I knew the truth: I was the one he was in love with. So I had two options; I could be jealous that there were so many people competing with me for his affection, or I could be proud, proud that out of everyone in the world, he had chosen me. I was the one who got to talk to him and touch him and kiss him, every day. The one who got to love him and be loved by him. I figured that the smartest decision was to choose door number two.

Things with Jade were a lot more complicated. She was going to be in our lives forever, and I didn't want to act coldly towards her just because Harry was irrationally jealous. And the truth was that Jade really was lovely, the kind of girl I could've seen myself dating before Harry blew into my life and all of my preconceived notions flew out the window. But as it stood now I only cared about her as the mother of our child, first and foremost, and as a friend.

I decided that the only solution was to keep everything out in the open. I could still text her and talk to her, but I would have to make Harry aware of the conversations. And to complain to her about Harry had been a mistake, one that I wouldn't make again.

As soon as we were back in Harry's room, Paddy thankfully choosing not to comment on the fact that we weren't hiding that we were going to spend the night together, I decided that we needed to talk.

"We can't keep doing this to each other. You can't run off and ignore my calls and flirt with other people whenever you're mad at me. If you'd just asked me about the texts then we could have talked about it and I wouldn't have been sitting here all night worried sick about what you were doing."

"And you should have told me that you two were texting in the first place. I don't like feeling like you're hiding stuff from me."

"I am sorry about that; I won't do it again, I promise. You're not mad anymore, right? I mean, you know that I only want you, and that I'll never be with Jade, right?"

"What if we break up?" he asked, the question causing my chest to constrict. He must have seen something in my face, because he reached forward to pull me down next to him where he was sitting on the bed. "I'm not saying that I ever want to break up, cause I don't, but I need to know. Would you date her if we weren't together? Say I died, would you be with her then?"

"I can't even think of that Harry; it's too horrible. I swear I didn't even realize what I was missing before we got together, but now that I've had a taste of it, a taste of you," I added with a smile as I nudged his shoulder with my own, "I can't even imagine what my life would be like without you in it. But I can promise you that I only ever wanna be with you. Please let me know what I can do to prove it to you, cause I'll do anything to make you happy," I said, silently praying that he wouldn't ask me to choose between him and the mother of our child.

"You do make me happy. I'm sorry I freaked out. It's just all so scary. I've never been in a serious relationship before, so I'm treading unfamiliar waters. Plus I'm terrified that you're going to leave me for a girl. I mean, you're not even really gay."

"I don't know what I am honestly. I mean, yeah, you're the first guy I've felt like this about, but you're also the first  _person_  I've felt like this about and I don't know much, but I do know that what I feel for you doesn't come along every day. I feel pretty goddamn lucky to be experiencing it at all, cause I swear that not everybody gets to know what it feels like to love someone as much as I love you. What we have...I really think it's something special. And it's all because you're so special. You're not like anyone I've ever met before Haz. And you've pretty much ruined me for anyone else, so you're stuck with me."

"I can't think of anyone I'd rather be stuck with," he said, staring at me so intently that I forgot to how to breathe for a second. Only Harry could do that, knock me off my game with just a glance. Something about the way he looked at me made me feel like my blood was humming. When he looked at me like this I felt like I could do anything, like I needed to do  _everything_ , all at once. I wanted to tell him all my secrets, to bare my soul to him when his green eyes gazed at me this intensely.

"I love you Harry. So, so much."

"Have you always been this smart, or did your IQ increase when you fell for me?"

I took a moment to look at him before I answered, gathering my thoughts as I tucked his long hair behind his ears, fingering his curls just for an excuse not to let go of him quite yet. I didn't think I'd ever get used to the fact that I could touch him, pretty much whenever and wherever I wanted, as long as we were alone.

"You think I planned on any of this? You think I thought I'd meet the person that I wanted to be with forever when I was only seventeen? Believe me, I never thought that I'd have my whole future mapped out before my twenty-first birthday, but that's what happened. Cause I do; I do have it mapped out. I've never been much of a planner, but I look into the future and I know you'll be there. I can see kids and anniversaries and birthday parties and gray hair and grandkids. I can see it all, and I see it all with you. I don't know where we're going to live or what the world's going to be like, but I know, deep in my soul, that we'll be together. We have to be."

"You've got it all sorted, haven't you?" he asked, leaning back onto the bed and pulling me with him.

"Just you love. You're the one thing I'm sure of," I told him as we drifted to sleep.

***

By the time we woke up the next morning the raspiness in Harry's voice had graduated to full on scratchiness, and it was obvious that he was getting sick. I made sure that he drank tons of hot tea, loaded up with extra honey just the way he liked, as we rode to the next venue, but his voice sounded even worse by the time the show started.

I stuffed his pockets full of throat lozenges, as many as would fit into his tight pants, and reminded him repeatedly not to exert himself too much during the concert. He, of course, didn't listen, skipping around the stage and talking nonstop to the crowd just like he always did even as his voice deteriorated.

It was hard for me to listen to him, knowing that he was suffering and not being able to help him, and I winced every time his voice cracked. I couldn't even bring myself to laugh when Niall teased him about sounding like Rod Stewart, which he kind of did.

By the time the show was over he was exhausted, leaning on me as I helped him to the van. I'd flat out refused to do the post-concert meet and greet, for both of us, insisting that they take us to the hotel immediately so that he could rest.

I'd tucked him into bed as soon as we arrived, before rushing out to find him something to eat. By the time I got back with his food - chicken noodle soup with just chicken and broth, no vegetables, just the way his mum used to make it for him - he was sitting up against the headboard, looking miserable.

He'd positively destroyed the bed, rearranging the bedding so that he was completely swaddled in it, only his face peeking out, as he looked at me with watery eyes and a red nose. All of the bravado he'd put on during the concert was gone, replaced by the whimpering mess that sat before me.

"I'm dying Zayn. Better come say your final goodbyes," he croaked pathetically.

I found it hard to stop myself from rolling my eyes, but I managed to for him, knowing that he felt awful.

"You're not dying. I had the same thing, remember?"

His eyes widened dramatically. "Why would you give this to me? You must really hate me to want me to die such a horrible death."

"Nonsense. I want you to die a quick and painless death. I've got it all sussed, and as soon as you make me your life insurance beneficiary I'll set my evil plan in motion," I teased, setting the food down so that I could rub my hands together maniacally.

He glared at me as I twirled my fake mustache. "It's not right to make fun of a man on his death bed."

"Alright, alright. Come eat some food love; it'll make you feel better."

"I'm too weak to move," he claimed, his eyelids fluttering closed as he rested his head, still wrapped in a blanket, against the headboard. He was apparently also too weak to remove his arms from where they were swaddled, so I ended up spoon feeding him the soup, making sure that each bite had an equal chicken to cracker to broth ratio, just the way he liked.

"I guess this is good practice for when we'll have to feed the baby. Want me to sing the airplane song? Open the hanger wide for the plane...here it comes," I said in a sing song voice, earning a pout from him. He followed it up by collapsing onto his side on the bed, insisting that he no longer had the strength to sit upright.

He was being utterly ridiculous, and I found it absolutely adorable. He was apparently the complete opposite of me when I was sick. No, he obviously loved the attention, and I loved being the one who was able to take care of him, so I decided to pamper him some more.

"The hot water really helped my when I was sick. You want a shower or a bath babe?"

"Bath," he answered without opening his eyes. I gave him a quick kiss where his forehead was hidden beneath the blanket as I made my way to the loo. I shut the door as I ran his bath, wanting to trap the heat in the space. As soon as the bath was ready I slipped out the door, not wanting any of the steam to escape.

"C'mon love, bath's ready. I even added extra bubbles for you. I got them at the store when I got your crackers. They're medicinal, and the shopkeeper swore that they'd make you feel better," I told him as I helped him out of bed and half carried him to the loo.

He didn't come out of his cocoon of sheets and blankets until he was safely inside the bathroom. When he dropped them onto the floor I was surprised to find that he was completely naked, though I probably shouldn't have been, knowing him.

"Only you would strip down just so you could bundle up," I teased, holding his hands as he stepped into the tub and settled down into the hot water.

"Don't leave me. Want my last few minutes on earth to be spent with you," he told me as he rested his head back against the white tiled wall. I had no intention of leaving his side, ever if I could help it, so I sat down on the floor and leaned over to push his sweaty curls off of his face. We were quiet for a few minutes, so I rested my chin on my hands on the edge of the tub and began to sing softly to him.

_All along it was a fever_  
 _A cold sweat hot-headed believer_  
 _I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"_  
 _He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."_  
  
 _Round and around and around and around we go_  
 _Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know._  
  
 _Not really sure how to feel about it._  
 _Something in the way you move_  
 _Makes me feel like I can't live without you._  
 _It takes me all the way._  
 _I want you to stay_  
  
He reached for my hand as I sang, and smiled weakly at me as I finished. "Thank you for taking such good care of me Zee." 

I smiled back at him as I caressed his cheek, still flushed from his fever, making him more beautiful than ever. Knowing that I was making him feel better, that he was glad that I was here, was worth a million trips to the corner shop. I'd spoon feed him and sing to him forever, if that was what he wanted. He was my baby, and I would take care of him for as long as he'd let me, which would hopefully be for the rest of our lives, and maybe even after that. I had a feeling that a love like ours never truly died.

 


	58. Chapter 58

                                                                                    

I dried Harry off and wrapped him up in one of the hotel's big fluffy white robes and settled him back into bed before heating up the rest of his soup in the microwave. He was feeling a bit better and probably would have been fine feeding himself this time but I didn't give him the option. I was kind of enjoying how helpless he was, how reliant on me he'd become since he'd started feeling sick, so I was going to savor it while it lasted.

Even though Harry was perfect for me - the only one for me really - I often worried that I wasn't perfect for him. That he could easily find someone who was better for him. Someone who was better than me. So maybe this was a chance, albeit it a small one, for me to be exactly what he needed; exactly what he wanted. Maybe for this one night I could be perfect for him.

I fed him the remainder of his soup, blowing on each spoonful before bringing it to his lips to make sure that it wasn't too hot for him. Once he finished it he wanted his ginger ale, which he'd made me open before his bath so that it would have time to go flat. As I turned to pick it up from the side table I saw him smiling out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned around to look at him fully he was doing his best Liam impression, all pouty lips and puppy dog eyes, so I knew that he was playing up his illness. I smirked, thinking that he seemed to like me taking care of him as much as I liked doing it.

I clicked on the telly and stripped down to my boxers, pretending not to notice the way he looked me up and down, pretending that I wasn't standing up a little straighter than I would have been if I was alone, that I definitely wasn't flexing my muscles, not even a little bit. I  straightened the sheets as best I could without making him get up and climbed into bed next to him, so close that we were touching from hip to ankle.

"How are you feeling love?"

"Miserable," he sniffled. "Just plain awful."

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" I asked, running my fingers through his damp hair, which was just starting to shape itself into the curls that I loved so much.

"I don't know...I just ache all over."

"Want me to give you a massage?"

He nodded eagerly, like this was the best idea I'd ever had. "Yeah, I think that might help a bit."

I angled my body so that my chest was pressed against his shoulder. "Anywhere in particular you'd like me to rub first?" I asked, one eyebrow arched.

He sighed, looking pointedly at his lap. "Anywhere that you think deserves the most attention. Is there a part of me you most want to massage? Any part of me you might be  _aching_  to touch?" he asked, biting his lip.

"Is there anywhere my princess is  _aching_  for me to touch?" I asked, slanting towards him and nipping at his neck.

"I ache for you all over daddy," he said quietly, making my cock stir.

I sat up and began to crawl down the bed, making sure that he had a good view of my ass as I did so. "Actually I've been thinking about getting my hands on a certain part of you all night. I can't wait to stroke you and knead you until you can't take it anymore. I bet you're just dying for me to put my hands on your big...juicy...thighs," I said, climbing on top of him and opening his robe so that I could grab his legs. "Oh my god, I can't get enough of them. I just wanna bite them and kiss them and rub them all night long!"

He laughed and tried to push me off of him as I tickled him and sucked harshly at his thighs. "Stop it, stop it, it tickles!"

I smirked up at him from my position between his legs. "I can't help it. They're just so beefy. I just wanna eat you up. I'm gonna start calling you Angus. Angus, my beefy boyfriend, please let me nom on your juicy thighs."

I gripped his thighs tighter, caressing the soft skin with my thumbs. I loved them, loved how they looked in his pants, how pale they were, how blonde the hair on them was, how they felt wrapped around me and how perfectly they fit in my hands when I sucked him off.

I slid my hands from his thighs to his hips, then ghosted them over his abs before resting them on his chest. His skin was warm and flushed as I climbed up his body, from his bath and his fever, and maybe even a little bit from what I was doing to him.

God, I loved touching him. I thought that his body was absolutely perfect, so much better than mine, though I knew he disagreed with me on that subject. Where mine was all sharp angles, hip bones that could bruise you, nothing soft to grab onto, his managed to be both hard and soft at the same time. He was fit as fuck, but he still had a layer of padding over his muscles, and I loved how he felt so fucking soft and pliable when I first put my hands on him, but if I squeezed tighter I could feel just how strong and sturdy he really was.

I straddled his lap, biting back a moan when I felt how fucking hard he was, and leaned in so that I could whisper in his ear. "It's too bad that you're still feeling so sick. There's so much I'd do to you if you weren't."

I saw him gulp as he placed his hands on my hips and squeezed them so hard that I could feel each of his fingers indenting my skin. I hoped that I would still be able to see the marks on me in the morning, as proof of how tight he'd held me, how much he'd needed me in that moment. I rolled my hips against his and was rewarded when he tightened the grip he had on me. "Like what?"

I moved my hands to the back of his neck as I began to kiss along his jaw. "Well...I'd start by holding you down, kissing you all over as I spread your legs so that I could fuck you with my tongue until you couldn't take it anymore. Until you were begging for me to shove my big, hard cock in your ass."

"I'm actually feeling a lot better. Like, a whole lot," was out of his mouth before I'd even stopped speaking. I smiled seductively as I trailed a finger down his chest. Eager beaver Harry was a favorite of mine.

"I don't know; you still seem pretty sick to me," I said, and Harry let out a low whine in response. "Maybe it would be better if we save the rough stuff for when you're well. Tonight I think you should just lie there and let me take care of you." I began to kiss my way back down his body, stopping to swirl my tongue around each of his nipples until he pulled my head up by my hair and pushed me lower. I could feel how hard he was against my stomach so I made sure to press against him firmly as I positioned myself between his legs.

I took my time, tracing his ferns with the tip of my tongue and biting at his hips hard enough to leave indentations that disappeared as soon as I moved on to another part of him. I wanted to kiss and suck every inch of him, but when I looked up at him I could see how much he needed more. He looked out of breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he arched his back when I moved my lips lower.

"What do you want princess?"

"Just you daddy," he said, making my d!ck throb and pulse where it was pressed against my stomach. I could feel wetness pooling there already, my d!ck aching to be inside of him. I rutted against the mattress as I wrapped my hand around him and licked his tip. He was nice and slippery against my palm and he tasted fucking delicious, sweet and musky at the same time. I slid him further into my mouth, eager to make him come so that I could taste more of him. I'd heard girls complain about guys coming in their mouths but I loved it. Loved how it tasted, how it felt sliding down my throat, how powerful it made me feel to know that as much as he wanted to make it last that he couldn't hold back any longer. I couldn't wait to drink him down, to swallow a part of him.

His cock was hard and thick and perfect, so big that it stretched my lips to the hilt. I took him in inch by inch, working him in and out again and again, letting him go deeper each time, not stopping until he filled my mouth completely, forcing me to breathe through my nose as I felt my throat clench around him. He loved it when I deepthroated him, when my nose was pressed against his groin and I was gagging around him. 

"Fuck, yes," he moaned. "God, the things you do to me with your perfect fucking mouth. Faster Zee."

His wish was my command, so I bobbed my head more quickly, and he got even harder as I picked up my speed. I lavished attention on every inch of him, swirling my tongue around his length and nibbling on his tip before diving back in. I wanted his come so badly that I could barely stand it, and I could already feel my own orgasm building. I focused on trying to slow down the motion of my hips against the sheets, torn between a desperate need to come and a desire to prolong this feeling for as long as possible.

Harry's breath hitched as I pressed my thumb to his slit, pumping him with my fist as I took the rest of his length into my mouth, over and over, until he had to press his heels into the bed to stop his legs from shaking uncontrollably. But I wanted him to feel out of control, to lose it completely, so I knocked at his ankles so that his legs went sprawling, needing to feel his each and every shudder.

One of his hands fisted in my hair, pulling it so harshly that I moaned around him, which only made him grip it tighter, while his other hand clung desperately to the mess of sheets beneath him. I sucked him even harder, impossibly hard, so hard that his whole body jerked, holding him against the back of my throat for as long as I could.

He let out a strangled moan, and it was a sound that I wanted to hear every day for the rest of my life, so I took him even deeper. My eyes were watering with effort, but I was rewarded when I felt him start to come, his hips spasming as he shot spurt after spurt down my throat.

"Yes, fuck yes. Fucking take it; take it all. It's all for you," he yelled as he pushed my head further down on his dick. I obeyed, not wanting to miss a drop. As soon as he was finished I pulled my lips away from him with a pop and sat back on my heels, gasping for breath. He looked exhausted, thoroughly fucked out and barely able to move, but he managed to motion for me to come forward. I slid up his body, pushing my boxers down and settling a leg on each side of his chest as I took my length in my hand.

He lifted his neck, opening his lips for me, but I shook my head. "Don't. I'm too close."

And I was too close, so close that I knew I only had a few strokes before I came. He was so fucking sexy that I'd been holding myself back the whole time that I was sucking him off, and I could easily have come when he had. But I'd held back, waiting for this moment. I wanted him to watch me spill, to feel it hit him and to see my expression as I came on him. I wanted him to see everything that I felt for him, from love to lust and back to love again.

My stomach tightened as my grip loosened, so loose that I was barely skimming my surface. But it was enough. My hand was a blur on my cock as I jerked off, snapping my hips as I leaned one arm forward to hold onto the headboard. My dick was only inches away from his face, but Harry wasn't looking at it. No, he was staring at my face as his hands glided up and down my thighs.

"You're so fucking perfect Zee. I could stare at you for the rest of my life. I  _will_  stare at you for the rest of my life. Come for me baby."

Once again, his wish was my command. I moaned his name as I began to come, aiming for his perfect mouth. The first spurt hit its mark, landing right on his plump lower lip, and it looked so fucking sexy and felt so fucking good that I lost my grip on the bed. My aim faltered, and by the time I'd pumped myself dry his chin and chest were both coated.

I kissed him anyway, not caring that we could both taste ourselves. We were already connected in every way possible, so this no longer bothered me at all. All I cared about was his hands on my hips and his lips against my own. All I cared about was him.

"Feel better?" I asked him as I pulled away.

He grinned. " _Much_ better. You always know just how to cure what ails me," he said, so seriously that it made me laugh out loud as I cleaned him up with the sleeve of his robe.

"God I love you," I told him. Because I did. I loved every part of him, from his beautiful face to his dorky attitude to his kind heart. Every single part of me loved every single part of him, more and more every single day.


	59. Chapter 59

                                                                                     

Summer was upon us, and I hated it, already missing the cold weather. Whenever I thought of the winter holidays I was reminded of Harry - I hoped that they'd always remind me of him - since so much had happened for us during that time of year. Hopefully Christmas carols would always make me think of watching Love Actually with him; hopefully wrapping paper would always make me remember the gift he'd given me, the gift that had shown me that he no longer thought of me as just a friend; and hopefully Christmas lights would always remind me of how bright Harry's eyes had been the first time we'd kissed.

I missed the clothes that he wore in winter too, how bundled up he always was. He looked fantastic in his shorts and tanks, his skin tan and perfect, and I swear he looked better all hot and sweaty than anyone else ever could, but I still preferred it when I was the only one who got to see his bare skin and tattoos. I liked it when I could peel layer after layer of clothing off of him, scarf and coat and jumper and t-shirt, one after another, like I was unwrapping a present. And when it was all off I'd be rewarded with the sight of his pale winter skin; the skin no one got to see but me.

Summer also meant hot weather, which I loathed, especially now that my hair was longer. Everyone was surprised that I was growing it out, but I suspected that Harry liked it this way, even though he'd never said so outright. But I noticed how often he ran his fingers through it, and how tightly he gripped it whenever my lips and hands were on him, like it was the only thing anchoring him to reality. So I'd refused every time Lou had asked me if I wanted her to cut it, willing to look a little messier than I preferred if it made Harry happy. I'd do anything to make him happy.

I'd also been shaving less often, because he'd never been shy about telling me how much he loved my scruff; how manly and sexy he thought it made me look. I personally loved the way my beard made his skin so red wherever it rubbed against him. I'd tease him with it whenever I could, sliding my chin along his thighs again and again, under the pretense that I was kissing him, until the proof that I'd been there was visible. Lou complained on the daily about the state of the skin around his mouth, but it just made me want to kiss him even more, even more roughly, so that everyone would be able to take one look at him in the morning and guess what we'd been up to all night.

Summer had brought Ramadan with it as well. It was almost over, and Harry had been very supportive, never eating in front of me while I was fasting even though I told him repeatedly that I didn't mind. He'd even wake me up early each morning so that I could eat something before sunrise, and he never complained even though I cussed him out each and every time, in the groggy moments before I was fully roused and realized that he was just taking care of me in the only way he knew how.

We'd made a habit of staying up to watch the sunrise together, and he'd cuddle me and tell me how proud he was of me as we watched the sky turn from black to gray to purple to pink as the sun made its appearance. It was a wonderful way to welcome the day, safe in Harry's arms and feeling all loved up, and I hoped that we'd continue the tradition, as long as Harry didn't mind. I suspected that he wouldn't mind at all, and I wasn't surprised with how wonderful he was being. He'd always been supportive of my beliefs, even before we'd started dating.

_Dating_. It seemed like too insignificant a word for what we were doing, not big enough to encompass what we meant to each other. The term  _boyfriend_  felt inadequate to me as well, though it did still send a thrill through me every time he used it to refer to me. I couldn't wait until I could introduce him to the world as my boyfriend, but I truly longed for the day that I might be able to call him even more.

I thought about it all the time, making Harry mine, permanently; probably far more than someone my age ever should. But I knew what I wanted, and I knew what it was like to live without him, so I had no doubt that I would do whatever it took to make us work, even though I sometimes still feared that he was too good for me.

Not that he ever did anything to put me down. He never insinuated that I wasn't enough for him, in fact he reassured me of the opposite constantly, since he knew my insecurities as well as his own. But Harry was too good for  _everyone_ , the best of the best. Whatever  _it_  was, that magical, elusive quality that made him shine brighter than anyone else, he had it. He had it in spades, heaps of it, enough that it should make me jealous but it didn't. Because he also had one of the kindest, most caring hearts I'd ever seen.

I sometimes wondered if Harry was too beautiful to last, like a sunset. Something that was so spectacular that you were only meant to be able to experience it in brief increments, lest you start taking its brilliance and beauty as commonplace. So I made sure to remind myself, every day, to never take Harry for granted. To never forget how amazing he was, and to always appreciate him, cause I was so goddamn lucky to have him in my life.

***

It was the end of a long day of interviews to promote our new fragrance, and I was almost lightheaded with hunger and fatigue. All of us were exhausted, and our answers had gotten increasingly ridiculous as the questions got increasingly boring.

"Who's your favorite actress Zayn?"

"Probably Emma Thompson," I responded, shooting a glance at Harry. I felt my cheeks heat when I saw that he was already watching me, smile firmly in place.

"And your favorite actor?"

"That's an easy one. It's definitely Bruce Willis; his movies have a special place in my heart," I said, and Harry's smile became a full on grin before the interviewer turned her attention to him.

"How about you Harry? What's your favorite movie?"

"Ummm, what's it called? Something Armageddon"

Liam cleared his throat and gave Harry a questioning look. "I think it's just Armageddon mate."

"You sure about that?" Harry asked, and I couldn't hold in my chuckle. I loved sharing secrets with him; that we were able to let each other know what was on our minds without the rest of the world realizing. But when we were surrounded by the boys on the bus after the interview I realized that they might not have been as oblivious as I'd thought.

"Why do I feel like these interviews are like foreplay to you two now?" Louis asked, trying to squeeze in between Harry and I on the sofa. We didn't let him, pushing him off of our laps until he fell onto the floor at our feet with a loud thump.

I tried not to laugh as I answered, not wanting to admit how close to the truth he was. "It's too bad we agreed to never have sex on the bus."

Harry put an arm around me and leaned in to kiss along my jaw, just a sweet and fleeting whisper against my skin. "Well, hardly ever at least," he murmured.

"Well, what the hell are you both doing in one bunk for all that time then?" Louis asked.

Harry sighed as if the limits placed on us in our bunks were the worst thing in the world. "Just some hardcore cuddling."

"Extreme nuzzling," I piped in, turning my head to give him a quick kiss.

"Ultimate snuggling," he added.

Niall rolled his eyes. "And here they go again. I can practically see you both getting boners."

We both shrugged and held each other even tighter. "You're just jealous. Zayn tastes even better than he looks."

"Oi! You just had to go there, didn't you? Dirty bastard."

"Hey, I'm a perfect gentleman! I waited, like, three years to even kiss him."

"Oh yeah, you're a real class act. I betcha take the dishes out the sink before you pee in it." Niall scoffed. Harry's booming laugh filled the room, and he looked so cute that I couldn't resist leaning in closer.

"I love you so much babe," I whispered in his ear.

"I really wish I could tweet about how sickeningly sweet you two are," Liam said, pulling out his phone.

"What if you could?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Just that one day you'll be able to," Harry replied with a twinkle in his eye.

"What I meant was that at some point, we'd like to not have to hide anymore. But we know it would effect the whole band, so we wouldn't want to do anything that you guys weren't okay with."

The three of them looked at each other, and I tightened my grip on Harry as I waited for their response. It was Liam who finally spoke up, and what he had to say was so well thought out that I wondered if they'd discussed the issue before.

"Right from the beginning, we've promised to always be ourselves, because we knew that success wouldn't mean anything if we had to hide who we were. And our popularity has only grown the more we've shown our personalities, cause I think that the fans truly want to know who we really are. But even if it means that we lose some fans I wouldn't want you two to have to hide such a big part of yourselves. And honestly, I don't want to call anyone that has a problem with you two being together a fan anyway, cause I've never seen two people who are more in love than you guys. I hope that one day I can find the person I'm meant to be with, because I can see how good you two are together and I want that too."

Liam opened his mouth to continue but Niall let out a huge sigh before he could. "Geez Li, wrap it up already. What he's trying to say, with way too many words, is that of course we'll support you guys. Whatever you want to do is fine by us. Might be different if this was just a hookup, but a blind man could see how obsessed you idiots are with each other. I'm pretty sure you're in it for the long haul-"

"Who's making speeches now Niall?" Liam interrupted.

"Shut up, both of you. Just shut up before you make me cry," I ordered as I stood up, blinking back tears and pulling them both into a big hug. I saw Harry do the same to Louis, so I pulled the guys over so that we could all have a big group hug. And then they were all hugging me back and I could feel how much they loved me and a few tears did escape. This was my family, right here, and it felt so fucking good to know that we had their support.


	60. Chapter 60

                                                                                    

At times like this I absolutely loved my life. Hanging out with the boys, who felt more like family to me than friends, when everyone was getting along was always a good time. The lines between work and play had always been a bit blurred for us, and things had only gotten fuzzier when Harry and I got together. But right now I was sat next to the love of my life and surrounded by my best mates, on our way to a show where a stadium full of people had paid good money to see us. My life was fucking amazing, and the only problem I was facing today was how to resist snogging Harry in front of everyone. Cause let's face it, his lips were made for kissing. I couldn't tear my eyes away from them, all pink and pouty and perfect, and knowing what they felt like, what they could do for me and to me, only made resisting them more difficult. And then he decided to make it even harder on me when he looked over and smirked. Fucking smirked, like he knew exactly what was going through my mind.

I didn't know how he still managed to do that, make my stomach swoop with just a glance even after a million minutes and countless kisses, but he did. One look from him, one sniff of his shampoo, one gentle touch, and I wanted him just as much as I ever had. I finally understood why so many of our fans were desperate to kiss him or even marry him, because I was too. I fucking pined over him when we were apart, obsessing over what he was doing and when I would see him next. I was totally and completely lovesick for him; it made me feel out of control and was probably unhealthy, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

I knew that the guys wouldn't appreciate it if I dragged him off to my bunk, and we were all getting along really well, so I needed to be strong. One kiss would inevitably lead to two, then three, until we were full on making out, so I had to abstain completely. And being a man of little self control, I decided that sleep was the only way to overcome my impulses. Being unconscious also had the added benefit of helping me protect what little reputation I still had. I couldn't seem to control the way I looked at him, and I was sure that the other guys were already picturing me as a cartoon character with heart eyes, that's how over the moon I was for him. Plus, I found myself giggling uncontrollably at all of his dumb jokes, and though he'd always had this effect on me, now that everyone knew that we were together I was sure that the boys all saw it as yet another sign of how whipped I was. And even though it was an indisputable fact, the degree to which I was whipped, that didn't mean that I wanted to be made fun of for it.

I started to doze off with my head in Harry's lap, lulled into a peaceful state by the motion of the bus and the feeling of his fingers running through my hair. I could hear the soft murmurs of everyone's voices around me, but the sound, along with the familiar warmth of Harry's other hand held tightly in my own and pressed against my chest, comforted me. It was nice knowing that I was surrounded by so many of the people that I cared so much about.

I was about to fall completely asleep when Liam's panicked tone startled me. In my dazed state I wasn't sure what he was saying, but I knew that it wasn't good from the way that Harry's body tensed beneath me and how his hand froze in my hair. I sat up as quickly as I could manage and Harry immediately pulled me closer. I was sure that he meant it to be comforting but it only increased my anxiety, and a quick look around the group told me that I had a reason to be worried.

"What's going on? What's happened?" I asked Harry. He looked at me but seemed unable to speak. I turned towards Liam when I heard him clear his throat.

"It appears that Jade was in a car accident in London late last night. I've just seen on Twitter that she was rushed to The Royal London Hospital. There aren't a lot of details, but it says that she's in surgery."

I put my head in my hands, wishing desperately that I hadn't really woken up and that this was just some kind of nightmare. Everyone was quiet for a moment, before Louis asked the question they were probably all thinking.

"How, ummm, how far along is she?"

"Six months," I answered immediately, my heart clenching at the thought of what might have happened to the baby. Could a pregnant woman have surgery? Could a baby survive if it was born this early? I felt fucking clueless, and I didn't know where I could go for answers.

"Has she told anyone about the pregnancy yet?" Niall asked. Harry squeezed me a bit tighter as I shook my head.

"I know she's been avoiding her parents, which is one of the reasons she stayed in London. I'm not sure what she's told the label, but I know for a fact that she hasn't brought our names into it yet. Fuck! Do you think the hospital will tell us anything if we call?"

Liam grimaced. "Sorry mate, but I'm sure they won't talk to anyone who isn't family. Do you have her parents' numbers?"

"No. And what would I say if I did? Hi, my gay lover and I had a threesome with your daughter and now she's having our baby. Nice to meet you," I groaned, before turning my attention to Harry. "We have to go to the hospital. It's the only way we can get some answers."

"I know love, and we will. We just have to get through tonight's show. We'll leave right afterwards and we'll be able to get there by morning, okay?"

I didn't say anything. I wanted to protest, but I knew there was no point. We had an obligation, to the boys, to the label, and to the fans. But knowing that didn't make waiting any easier. The hours until we got to the stadium seemed interminable, and I'd never felt so fucking useless in my life. Everyone was quiet, knowing that it was pointless to try to distract us or to say that things were going to be fine. I wanted so badly to climb into my bunk alone and shut out the world, but I figured that Harry needed me just as much as I needed him.

I was always fairly unapproachable when I was upset about something, so it was all I could do to stay in the main area, holding Harry close even though I couldn't bring myself to offer him any platitudes. I could tell that he was trying to be what I needed as well, since he was doing his best to sit still and was unusually quiet. Truth be told, just having him close was helping to keep my panic at bay, though I still felt incredibly uneasy. But the sick feeling in my stomach was nothing that I didn't deserve. We'd gotten ourselves in this situation, first by hooking up with Jade - which I would never, ever regret, but that didn't mean that it'd been a wise decision - and then by not telling anyone about the pregnancy.

If Paul or the management team had known about the baby then it would have been a lot easier to explain why we needed to leave right after the show. As it stood now we just told Paul that there was a family emergency and that we had to head for London as soon as possible. He was concerned but didn't press us for too many details, knowing that we wouldn't ask for something like this if it wasn't important. He arranged for one of our guards to drive us, and made us promise that we'd be back in time for the next show in two days. I had no idea what we'd be facing in London, but I agreed readily. I would have agreed to anything to get to the hospital, and I figured that we'd deal with everything else once we knew how the baby and Jade were.

The show was a struggle to get through, and though I did little more than manage to sing all my parts and hit all my notes, it did provide a bit of a distraction. I found myself impressed and a bit jealous of Harry, who acted like his normal, happy self as he performed. I was reminded of how upbeat he'd seemed during shows while we'd been broken up, and it would have pissed me off if I hadn't known how much he was hurting underneath it all, both then and now.

We left as soon as we finished the last number, not bothering to shower or even say goodbye to anyone. We had a long ride ahead of us, and I didn't let go of Harry the whole time, not even once. I had always liked to think of myself as an independent person, but I was incredibly relieved that I was going through this with him by my side. I figured that I should just accept how big a part of my life he had become, and I made a vow to stay strong for him, no matter what happened, since I knew that he would always be there for me. So I kept my arm around him all night, not letting go even as I left multiple messages for both Jade and Dr. Morgan.

There were two or three photographers waiting outside the main hospital entrance when we pulled up, and I knew that it would be smarter to find another entrance but I didn't want to waste any more time. Harry and I hopped out of the car and rushed past them, doing our best to ignore the surprised looks on their faces and the questions they threw at us. As soon as we arrived on the floor that the front desk attendant had directed us towards I saw an attractive older woman that I immediately realized must be Jade's mother, as they shared the same beautiful Egyptian skin tone.

I took a deep breath as I approached them, unsure of exactly what to say. "Ms. Badwi, Mr. Thirlwall, my name is Zayn and this is Harry. We're friends of your daughter's. Have you heard anything? How is she?"

They both stood and shook our hands before Jade's mum answered us. "She suffered some trauma during the accident and they ended up having to remove her gallbladder. The surgery went well and she's in recovery."

"And...is everything else okay? Is she going to make a complete recovery?" I asked, not knowing how to bring up the baby, though I was depserate to find out if it was okay. Harry nudged me, obviously wanting me to speak up. "Do you know anything about..."

"About the pregnancy?" Jade's father asked in a clipped British tone. "We've just found out. Her obstetrician is in with her now."

I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that Dr. Morgan had gotten my messages and was able to get to Jade so quickly.

I saw her mother giving me an appraising look out of the corner of her eye. "Are you the one responsible for this? Are you and Jade together?"

I blanched, wanting desperately to grasp Harry's hand as something to anchor me in this uncomfortable situation but knowing that it would only confuse Jade's parents more. "I'm sorry Ms. Badwi, but I think that you should speak to Jade about that. But please know that I care very much about your daughter."

I was saved from having to say anything more when Dr. Morgan popped his head out of the door to Jade's room.

"Mr. Styles? Mr. Malik? Jade's asking to see you."

Harry and I rushed into the room without another word to Jade's parents, needing to see her for ourselves and to know if the baby was okay. I saw her as soon as I entered the room, looking incredibly tiny sitting in the hospital bed. One side of her face was swollen and bruised, and she had cuts covering most of her right arm, as well as a brace on her right wrist. But she managed to smile at me, and I felt some of the tension that I'd been holding since I'd first heard about the accident dissipate, hopeful that she wouldn't be able to smile at all if something had happened to the baby.

"The baby's okay," she assured us as soon as the door shut behind Harry. I practically jumped on top of him, a few tears escaping as I let myself take a full breath for the first time in what felt like forever.  _The baby's okay_. I was sure that there could be no words more beautiful than those in all of the English language. Harry hugged me back just as tightly before I pulled away and went to Jade's side, giving her as gentle a hug as I could manage in my excited state. Harry gave her a kiss on her cheek before turning to Dr. Morgan.

"Everything's really okay Doc? You've checked and the baby's all good?"

Dr. Morgan gave us a kind smile. "I've given Jade a thorough workup and both she and the baby seem to be doing well, all things considered. The baby's vitals are good and the heartbeat is as strong as ever."

I beamed down at Jade as he spoke, feeling the relief hit me like a tidal wave. But I still needed more. I needed to hear the baby for myself, more than I could remember ever needing anything. "Can we hear it? The heartbeat?"

"I can do you one better. Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" 


	61. Chapter 61

                                                                          

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?" Dr. Morgan asked.

I looked over at Harry, and I could tell from his expression that he was as eager to find out as I was. I glanced at Jade and she seemed excited as well, and all three of us nodded at the doctor in unison. I held my breath as he maneuvered the little wand over Jade's belly, my eyes searching the screen for any indication of the baby. I felt Harry fidgeting next to me, and I wrapped an arm around his waist, knowing that he was ready to jump out of his skin. We'd talked about whether we wanted a boy or a girl before, and we'd both agreed that we would be happy with either outcome. I knew that all parents had to say that, but I truly meant it. Boy or girl, our baby was already perfect to me.

As soon as I heard the sound of the baby's heartbeat, the sound that was now so precious to me, I began to feel overwhelmed. But it wasn't the normal anxiety that I dealt with all the time or even the fear of responsibility that I'd always thought went hand in hand with children, but instead an overwhelming love. I already loved this baby so much, more than I loved myself even, and I loved that they were going to be a part of us that Harry and I wouldn't have to share with the world. Sure, the press would write about our child and their picture would be in the papers, but he or she was created not for the masses but just for us.

"Well, I think you better prepare yourselves for ballet recitals and Barbie dolls, because you've got a little girl on the way," Dr. Morgan said. I ignored his sexist comment completely, too focused on the words  _little girl_. Of course it was a little girl. I could picture her perfectly, a little princess with big green eyes and bouncy curls. I hoped that she'd have Harry's dimples, and I couldn't wait to meet her.

"I hope she looks just like you," Harry whispered into my ear. I turned to face him, dumbfounded by my love for him in that moment. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he truly meant what he'd said, and I thanked my lucky stars that I was having this baby with him.

"No way," I murmured, tucking his hair behind his ears. "I want her to be every bit as beautiful as you," I told him sincerely. He smiled and gave me a quick kiss before we turned our attention to Jade.

"A little girl. That's good right?" she asked, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"It's great. It's perfect," I assured her as I kissed her tear away. I looked at Harry, hoping that he was okay with me giving her a kiss on the cheek, but he wasn't paying any attention to me at all. No, his focus was on Jade's stomach, and the baby that was inside of it.

"How's daddy's little princess doing? We can't wait to meet you angel. But we want you to be nice and healthy when you come out, so you just stay in there and, ummm...marinate until you're a bit bigger, okay?"

I laughed at his choice of words before putting on an indignant face. "Hey, what if I want her to call me daddy?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Too bad. I already called dibbs," he said, standing up and walking over to my side. "Besides, I'm the only one who gets to call you daddy," he whispered. I blushed, sneaking a glance at Jade and Dr. Morgan to see if they'd heard him. They were both pointedly looking away and I cringed, knowing that they'd heard every word. I elbowed Harry in the ribs and shot him a look. He smiled back at me, knowing that I was going to punish him for that comment and obviously looking forward to it. Kinky bastard.

We left the hospital shortly thereafter, and were met by a barrage of paparazzi just outside of the exit. Word must have spread that we were there, and they crowded around us as they shouted question after question, wanting to know why we were there. We ignored them as best we could as we pushed past them, climbing into the waiting car amid a sea a flashbulbs. I rested my head against the back of the seat, grateful that we so close to home. I was eager to climb into bed after the exhausting events of the last 24 hours.

We arrived at Harry's house a short time later, and I was happy to see that Beth had unpacked some of my stuff while we'd been away. I quite liked the sight of my clothes hanging next to his in the closet, his button downs blending into my t-shirts, my trainers lined up in front of his boots, his fedoras stacked next to my snapbacks. My smile grew when I saw that she'd placed framed pictures of us all around the house.

"Did you tell her which pictures to use?" I asked Harry, pointing at one of us kissing backstage before a show.

He nodded as he looked at it fondly. "It took me ages to pick out which ones to send her. I love them all, and it doesn't help that you look like a model in every single one. I'd hang them all up if I could."

I moved to stand next to him so that I could wrap my arms around his waist. "I like seeing my stuff mixed in with yours. Makes me feel like this is our house, not just yours," I said into his neck, like it was a secret.

He turned around to face me, putting his hands on my cheeks and making me me look him in the eyes. "It  _is_ our house. Now let's get in  _our_ bed. I can't remember the last time I was this sleepy."

I didn't need any convincing, and a few minutes later we were in bed, curled up around each other as we drifted off. I held his hand as I fell asleep, a smile on my lips as I imagined what the house -  _our_ house - would look like when it was filled with everything that we would need for the baby.

***

I woke up the next morning to see reports of a rumored romance between Harry and Jade all over the internet. They'd dragged out the old pictures of them together from Valentine's Day, and were now speculating that Jade's recently growing figure meant that she and Harry were in love and about to have a baby. Each headline made my heart hurt, which was ridiculous since I knew that they were all bollocks. But me knowing that didn't change the fact that the rest of the world didn't, and it only strengthened my resolve to go public with my feelings for Harry. I knew that the timing wasn't ideal right now, but I hoped that it would be one day soon. And in the meantime I needed to do something that would show him how much he meant to me, so I called in a favor.

Harry looked up in surprise when we heard a knock at the door an hour later. I gave him a quick kiss as I got up to answer it, and a moment later I was leading my guest into the living room.

"Harry, this is Shane, the best tattoo artist in all of London. Shane, this is Harry."

"Good to meet you Harry," Shane said with a smile.

Harry looked a bit tentative, but he held his hand out for Shane to shake. "Nice to meet you too."

"I asked Shane to come here so I could get a tattoo," I told Harry.

His eyebrows shot up. "A tattoo? Zayn, could I talk to you in the other room?" he asked, inclining his head towards the kitchen before grabbing my shirt and pulling me towards the door without waiting for an answer. "Excuse us Shane; we'll just be a moment."

As soon as we were in the kitchen he turned to face me. "What're you doing? Your shit's all over the house, not to mention all the pictures of us. If he realizes we're living together he could go to the press."

"First of all, I've known him for years and I trust him, so I don't think he'd do that. And second of all, would that really be the worst thing in the world? At least we'd be coming out on our own terms, instead of waiting for Modest to schedule a fucking press conference and use our relationship to sell records."

"You'd really be okay with that? If we came out without any warning? Without letting management know?"

"Yeah, I would. I'm not saying that it needs to happen right now, but when it does happen I'd like it to be spontaneous, not because some suit decided that it's time."

He paused for a moment before responding. "Fair enough. But what made you decide to get a tattoo today?"

"The last two days just made me realize what's really important. You and the baby are what matter most to me, and I want a tattoo that represents how I feel about you. Don't worry," I told him as I bumped his hip with my own, "I'm gonna get it somewhere that I can cover up until we're public."

"You're getting a tattoo for me?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.

I softened my voice as I answered, hoping that he liked my idea. "Yeah. I was thinking of getting  _Always_  right here," I said, pointing to the blank space on my inner wrist, "Cause that's how long I'm gonna love you." I had no doubts about how long I was going to love Harry, or about getting this tattoo. I wanted my skin to tell the story of my life and most importantly, the story of our love. I wouldn't be surprised if  _Harry_  was already imprinted on my heart and my brain and my soul, sure that if I was autopsied his name would be spelled out with my veins and valves and synapses.  _Harry Harry Harry_. Harry everywhere. _  
_

He traced over the skin on my wrist for a moment before bringing it to his lips as he looked up at me with bright eyes. "I guess we better get back out there then," he said, interlocking his fingers with mine.

I went to let go of his hand before we entered the living room, but he held on tight. I smiled at him as I gave him a squeeze, thankful that we were on the same page. Shane's eyes immediately fell to our hands where they were clasped between us, but he quickly averted his gaze and smiled politely.

"You ready to get started?"

"Yeah," Harry answered. "We'll both be getting one if that's okay." I looked over at him in surprise, but he just shrugged. "In for a penny, in for a pound, yeah?" he said with a wink.

Shane didn't have a problem with it, so we made a whole day of it. In addition to the tattoo that I'd already decided on Harry insisted on adding a heart to the date on my hip. I knew that he didn't have the steadiest hand (a kind way of saying that he was the clumsiest motherfucker that I'd ever met), but I was still happy that he was tattooing me, wanting him to have as big of an impact on my skin as he'd already had on my life. So even though the heart ended up a bit crooked, I was thrilled to get it, and more than a little turned on at the feeling of him pulling my jeans down - a bit farther than necessary if you asked me - before sprawling his hand out on my abs as he pressed the needle to my hip. I could tell that he was trying to be as gentle as possible, his tongue peeking out of his teeth in concentration. Fuck, he made everything look sexy.

In the end, I got  _Always_  inked on my inner left wrist while Harry got  _Forever_  in the same spot on his right wrist. I loved knowing that we'd have these symbols of our love for the rest of our lives, and I looked forward to seeing the words that meant so much to us rest against each other whenever we held hands for years to come.


	62. Chapter 62

                                                                                     

We really should have left that evening to head back to the tour, but the allure of staying home for one more night was too enticing. We vowed to leave first thing in the morning so that we could get back in time for sound check before settling in for a relaxing night. I loved being here, and I couldn't wait until we were able to stay there long enough for it to feel like our permanent home. I longed for the days when I would come home to the sound of a baby giggling and the smell of Harry cooking dinner.

I would have liked to visit Jade in hospital again while we were in town, but the paparazzi were making it too difficult. I'd already gotten lucky that they were assuming that I was just tagging along with Harry as he visited her, and I didn't want to press my luck. If a reporter started suspecting that I had cheated on Perrie with Jade it would open a whole can of worms that I wasn't ready to deal with. We'd cross that bridge when we had to.

Harry was in the shower, so I let myself out on the balcony outside of the master bedroom for a smoke. I'd already hit the bowl a few times and was feeling pretty fucking good when I heard him rummaging around in the bedroom. He opened the french doors a minute later and I turned my head to see him standing completely naked.

"Jesus Harry, get your arse back inside. Someone could see you."

"Nonsense. The backyard is completely secluded. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with this house," he said as he took a seat next to me on the swing. "That and the view," he added, ignoring said view in favor of looking me up in down. I was just wearing some low slung joggers, and I could tell that he approved of my choice of clothing.

I didn't bother arguing any further as I looked out over the vast expanse of his yard. It really was beautiful, all lush and green up close with the city in the background. The sun was just setting, and the sky was awash in a sea of pinks and reds and oranges. I pulled him closer to me, throwing the blanket I'd brought out with me over his lap. I was weak, and him totally nude was more temptation than I could handle.

We watched the sun fade away, cuddling quietly as the sky became dark. You couldn't see the stars, but the lights of London were visible and that was almost as good. Harry felt so good next to me, the warm skin of his side pressing against my bare chest. His profile looked beautiful silhouetted in the moonlight, and I pushed him back against the side of the seat so that I could climb onto his lap, wanting to feel his strong arms wrapped around me.

I settled back against him, his chest flush with my back and his chin nestled against my shoulder, loving how perfectly we fit together. He wasn't known for being quiet, and it felt so amazing to know that we were able to share the silence and not feel compelled to fill it with inane chatter. Our lives were so busy and often overwhelming, and I craved peace and quiet, but I also craved Harry, so this was the best of both worlds.

I could feel his chest vibrate against me as he began to hum. The low rumble of his voice seemed to ignite every one of my senses as he started to sing softly, before pausing to kiss a trail from my shoulder up my neck. I angled my body to face him better as he turned my hand over in his so that he could trace over my fresh ink. His touch was gentle, and it made my skin tingle.

"Thank you again for getting this," he murmured. "I know I seem all confident and totally amazing all the time, but you have no idea what it means to me that I'll be able to see this...this symbol of our love every day," he told me as he brought my arm up to his lips and kissed the new tattoo.

I felt tears well up in my eyes. This was exactly what I had wanted when I'd decided to get it. It  _was_  a symbol of our love, and of how long I planned on being with him. But we'd been through too much drama over the last few days, so I decided to try to lighten the mood before I started sobbing like a little sissy.

"Don't act like you weren't trying to seduce me earlier," I said, earning an affronted look from him. "Please. Like you really needed to take your shirt off to get a tat on your wrist. And there was a headband right on the coffee table yet you went all the way to the closet to get a beanie to hold your curls back. You know what the sight of you in a beanie does to me. Yeah, you knew exactly what you were doing. Plus when I got that date inked Shane didn't caress my stomach the way you did."

"How anyone can resist your happy trail I'll never understand. And don't think I didn't feel you getting hard. That heart wouldn't be so crooked if your dick hadn't been pressing against my forearm. Speaking of, I better check it out to make sure that you're healing okay," he said, pushing me off of his lap and dropping to his knees in front of me.

He looked up at me expectantly, wondering how I was going to react. But if he thought that there was any possibility of me resisting him, sitting naked in front of me with his damp hair pulled back in a headband and one of his little buns, he was fucking crazy.

I stood up as quickly as I could, pulling my trackies down so that he could see the heart he'd tattooed me with earlier. If I pulled them down a bit farther than necessary so that he could see that I wasn't wearing any underwear, so be it. If he wanted to play I was all for it.

He traced his fingers over the heart before placing a gentle kiss on the raised skin, staring up into my eyes as he did so. His tongue slipped out to lick at the fresh ink, and I lost it, all of my blood rushing to my dick. I could see it start to rise as he kissed a line across my abs, and I knew that he saw it too. He kissed me lower and lower, pulling my pants down bit by bit, making me shake with anticipation as his lips got closer to my hard on.

He surprised me by yanking my sweats all the way down and wrapping his lips around my cock with no warning. The sudden wet warmth of his mouth felt heavenly, and I shouted out as he started to deepthroat me.

"Fuck Haz," I groaned. "I'm not saying that I want you to blow anyone else, but you have a gift that should be shared with the world."

He responded by sucking me even harder, making me feel like I was about to come already. But I wanted this feeling to last, so I held my breath until I calmed down a bit. I enjoyed the way the back of his throat clenched around the tip of my dick as I ran my hands along his strong shoulders, bringing one of them up to his face as the other grabbed his bun. I pushed even farther into his mouth as I tightened my grip on his hair, and I felt his mouth open further for me.

He knew just what I wanted, and he seemed as excited about it as I was, so I began to fuck into his mouth, gripping his bun as leverage as I snapped my hips back and forth as quickly as I could. He started to gag around me, and I glanced down, happy to see that he was stroking his length in time to my thrusts. The sight of him, so hard and ready, turned me on even more, so I pushed him away from me and pulled him to his feet.

I captured his lips in a kiss before moving on to his neck, biting into his collarbone. "Do you need to be prepped?"

"No, I'm good." I pulled back to look at him, and he blushed sheepishly. "I'm sorry...I just couldn't stop thinking about you in the shower."

"Fuck," I moaned as I began to feel almost dizzy with lust. "Tell me. Tell me exactly what you did," I demanded, spinning him around and bending him over the balcony's railing. He gripped it with both hands, pressing his ass back into me. "Tell me now," I ordered again.

He let out a whimper as I teased his entrance with the tip of my cock, already wet from precome and him sucking me off. I ached to be inside of him, but I also wanted to hear what he had done in the shower.

"I...I was thinking about how good you looked when I was giving you that tattoo, and I got so fucking hard that I just couldn't help it."

"Yeah? What'd you do when you got hard?"

"I called for you, wanting you to join me, but you must have already been out here, so I started jerking off. But it wasn't enough - it's never enough without you - so I started-"

He stopped to suck in a breath as I pushed into him, stretching him as I went in deep enough to feel my balls slap against him. "You what? What'd you do next?" I grunted as I put my hands on his hips and slowly pulled out to the tip and pumped back in, wanting him to feel every inch of me.

"I - fuck, that feels good - I started fingering myself, imagining your dick filling me up."

I moved one of my hands to grip his bun again, yanking his head back so that I could kiss his neck. "How'd it feel? Did you come nice and hard as you opened yourself up for me?"

"Yeah, but it didn't compare to this. Nothing ever feels as good as this," he moaned, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the railing harder and began to fuck back against me.

I turned his head so that I could kiss him, already feeling the familiar tingling in my belly as I began to thrust into him faster. I couldn't believe that we were actually fucking outside, under the moonlight, just a few short months after we'd been too afraid to even kiss each other outdoors. I kept one hand in his hair as I wrapped the other one around him, loving how wet with precome his cock was. Loving that I was the one who made him this hard and horny.

I pulled my lips away from his as I stroked him more quickly, looking over his shoulder so that I could see him come. I only had to slide my hand up and down his length a few more times before he started to spill, coating my hand and moaning my name.

It was so fucking hot that I started to come as well, my hips beating out an erratic path as he clenched around me and pumped me dry.

"Fuck Haz, I love you so fucking much," I yelled, probably far louder than I should have considering that we were outdoors. He didn't seem to mind, shooting me a sexy grin as I fell back against the swing. He curled up next to me, and I ran a hand through his hair, pulling off his headband in the process. I pushed my own hair back with it before sitting up and pulling my phone out of my pocket.

I snapped a quick picture, just showing me leaning against the white pillows on the back of the swing, and tagged it  _#longhair_  before uploading it to Instagram. I smiled as I showed the post the Harry, loving that no one would know that the reason I was glowing and looked so happy was because I had just fucked the hell out of Harry. We both laughed as we saw all the replies come in. Part of me wanted to tell the world exactly what we meant to each other, but the other part of me liked that our love still belonged only to us.

We ended up staying on the balcony all night, from sunset to sunrise, just loving on each other and talking about whatever popped into our heads. I loved these times, when it felt like we were the only two people in the world, and I looked forward to a lifetime more of nights like this, perfect in their simplicity.


	63. Chapter 63

                                                                                     

We watched the sunrise from the balcony, the breathtaking array of colors brightening the sky and making it look  _almost_  as beautiful as the man sat next to me, staying cuddled up next to each other as we tried to get motivated to face the day. We took a sleepy shower together, taking turns washing each other's hair and doing our best to kiss away our yawns. We knew that our ride would be arriving soon, so we headed downstairs for a quick breakfast.

Harry manned the stove, cooking for us while I observed. Observation in this case mainly involved standing behind him with my arms wrapped around his waist, pulling his hair to the side so that I could kiss at his neck. After burning our scrambled eggs he deemed me too distracting and forced me to the other side of the room, where I wouldn't be "as much of a temptation." I pouted as I made our tea and set the table, but in truth I loved that I was still able to fluster him this much with just a few simple kisses. Lord knew he affected me the same way.

I'd curled up against Harry, my favorite pillow, as soon as we'd gotten into the car, and the sound of his heartbeat quickly lulled me into a deep sleep. We had a long drive ahead of us, and I planned to take full advantage of it. I was exhausted from all of the drama of the past few days and from staying up all night, and I knew that I would be useless during the concert if I didn't get some rest now.

I felt a million times better when I woke up, but as I sat up to stretch I noticed that Harry still looked weary. He was staring at his phone with a concerned look on his face, and I ran my finger under his chin to get him to look up at me.

"Everything okay babe?" I asked, my voice still thick with sleep.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Just all the shit we knew we'd be getting. Apparently we have a meeting scheduled with Paul and Nancy before soundcheck. Woohoo," he added, rolling his eyes.

We'd turned off our phones after we'd left the hospital, knowing that as soon as management got wind of the gossip that they'd be on our asses.

"Any word from your family?"

He shook his head. "No, but they're pretty used to ignoring the papers by now. My mum will probably be shocked that the press actually got something right this time. Well, partly right anyway. I guess we need to tell everyone what's going on now, yeah?" he asked, turning to look at me.

"Yeah. I don't really see any way to get out of it this time," I agreed.

I ran my hands through my hair, still unsure of the best way to tell everyone about the baby. I felt some of the stress that I'd been ignoring start to return, so I pulled out a spliff that I'd rolled the night before. I'd just gotten my lighter out when I noticed Harry pouting out of the corner of my eye. I ignored him as I took a big hit, holding it in until my lungs couldn't take it anymore.

I did a little dance as I blew it out, hoping that it would make Harry smile. It didn't.

"Is there a problem?"

He shrugged. "Nope. I guess you better smoke it while you still can."

"Dude, I've gotten high before plenty of our shows. I'll be fine, so don't you worry you're pretty little head," I teased him, ruffling his curls with my free hand before taking another hit.

"No, I was talking about when the baby's here, since you won't be smoking then."

I barked out a laugh as I exhaled. "Uhh, okay mum, sure thing."

"I'm serious Zayn. You're not actually planning on smoking after the baby's born are you?" he questioned, crossing his arms over his chest and shooting me an affronted look that immediately made me go into defensive mode.

"Ummm, yeah, actually I am," I told him point blank. He had the nerve to open his mouth in shock, looking at me like I was some type of criminal. "Jesus Christ Haz, chill. It's not like I'm gonna light up in front of her, so stop acting like I'm talking about snorting coke off her belly while I change her nappy or something."

"I can't believe that you're acting like this is no big deal."

"Fuck Harry, I am not in the mood to deal with this right now. I know you're upset about the meeting and everything, but you're blowing this way out of proportion. You know me. Do you really think I'd ever do something that would put our daughter in harm's way?"

I felt my heart clench as I said  _our daughter_ , loving the way the the words felt falling from my lips. Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and when he opened them again he looked a bit calmer. I knew that he didn't love it when I smoked, and honestly I had cut back a lot just to make him happy, but I really didn't see any reason why I should give it up completely.

I could also tell that he was just pissed off about all the flack we were about to face and was taking it out on me. Part of me wanted to lash out at him in return, but we'd been through enough over the last few days, and I was trying to learn from our past mistakes. I felt like most of our fights could have been avoided if we'd just taken a moment to communicate better, so I put my arm around him to pull him closer as I waited for him to gather his thoughts.

He looked at me from under his eyelashes and I could tell that he was still grumpy so I leaned in and nudged at his cheek with my nose. He didn't budge, his arms still folded across his chest, so I rubbed my nose against his, placing kisses from the side of his mouth up to his ear and back again.

"C'mon, let me see those dimples love," I murmured. "You know you wanna smile...you want me to shotgun you? Cause I'll totally donate my weed to the good cause of cheering you up."

He finally caved, unable to hold back his smile anymore. His dimples indented his cheeks and I pounced, kissing the one closest to me before lapping at it with my tongue until he let out a loud laugh. I climbed on top of him, my legs straddling his as I wrapped my arms around him and kissed up and down the side of his neck.

"No more fighting, kay? We're in this together, no matter what, right?" I pulled back to ask, resting my hands on his cheeks.

"I dunno, I think maybe we should fight more often if it makes you this lovey dovey..."

I bit at his neck, not stopping until the skin beneath my teeth was a pretty purple. "That, my love, is why I'm gonna keep getting high. So I can put up with your temper tantrums."

He started to pout again but I cut him off by pressing my lips against his, slipping my tongue in as soon as I could. I could feel him relax into the kiss and I knew I had him. I tried to hold back my smirk as he attempted to deepen the kiss, but he must have felt it because he pulled away, and suddenly it was my turn to pout.

"I know what you're doing Zee," he said, placing his hands against my chest to hold me back as I tried to kiss him again. "I can practically see the wheels turning in your brain. Don't think you'll be able to get away with whatever you want by distracting me with kisses in the future."

"Don't worry babe, I'll break out the big guns and blow you when you're  _really_  pissed."

He raised an eyebrow at me as his mouth quirked up in a grin. "Hmmmm, I'm actually pretty angry right now. Maybe we should talk about weed again...I don't think we're quite done with that argument."

"Can we table it for now if I promise to let you have your way with me later?" I asked, batting my eyelashes at him in what I hoped was a seductive manner.

He groaned as he rolled his eyes. "How could I resist that face? Just know that tonight, you're mine, and I'll do with you what I please," he warned, his voice even lower than usual.

I kissed him to let him know just how down I was with that plan. He moaned as I parted his lips with my tongue, sliding his hands under my vest top to rub them up and down my sides. I shifted closer to him, rolling my hips against his before I heard a cough coming from the front seat. 

I leaned back with a laugh, realizing how crazy the driver must think we were to go from cuddling to fighting to kissing in a matter of minutes. I couldn't disagree with that assessment, but it was still with some reluctance that I moved back into my own seat, keeping one hand on Harry's thigh.

"Everything okay Joe?" I asked.

"Yeah, just wanted to let you know that the arena is just ahead. I texted Paul to let him know that we're almost there. "

I looked around quickly to take in my surroundings, surprised that we'd already arrived. I started to feel a bit overwhelmed, so I focused on Harry instead, squeezing his leg as I leaned in to kiss along his jaw. "You sure you wanna do this? It's not too late to turn around," I whispered.

He placed his hand over mine as he turned his face to give me a kiss. "I'm sure. This baby is a blessing, and anyone who thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves."

I beamed at him and held his hand tightly as we climbed out of the van and headed into the arena. I loved it when he got protective like this, and I knew that we could get through this meeting together. We were shepherded into a green room backstage, where we found Nancy and Paul waiting for us, looking tense.

Paul got up to give us a quick hug as we took our seats on a couch across from them. "Did everything go okay in London?"

"Yeah, it did. Thank you so much for letting us do what we needed to do."

"And I take it what you had to do had to do with Jade? I'm sure you've seen what the papers had to say about you visiting her. Is there something you need to tell us?" Nancy asked.

I glanced at Harry and he nodded and squeezed my hand as I turned back to answer them. "Well yeah, the rumors are true. Jade's pregnant, about six months along, and we're having a daughter," I said, unable to hold back my smile at the thought of the little girl that would soon be entering the world.

"So you're the father Zayn? The press is going to have a field day when they find out that you cheated on Perrie and got her friend pregnant," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers.

"First of all, I didn't cheat on anyone and you know it, since you're the ones who forced me to pretend to be in a relationship and to hide who I was really seeing. And secondly, as far as I'm concerned Harry and I are  _both_  about to be fathers. She's going to be  _our_ daughter."

"Which sounds like a roundabout way to say that you don't know who the father is, correct?" I saw Paul grimace at her choice of words, but I couldn't exactly deny what she was saying so I kept quiet. Nancy took a moment to think before speaking again. "We need to get a paternity test done, this week if possible, so that we can start planning how to present this to the press."

"No fucking way," Harry said from my side, his grip on my hand tightening as his anger rose. "You are not poking and prodding our baby before she's even born, especially when we don't care which one of us is the father."

"And how exactly do you expect me to come up with an acceptable story without knowing which of you the baby belongs to?"

"As we already said, we're both gonna be the baby's dads, no matter what. And how about you don't tell them anything. Honestly it's none of their business," I told her.

"You can't be that naive Zayn. I'll take this back to the team and we'll figure out the best way to proceed. In the meantime, I really think that you two are going to have to pospone coming out. We need to get a grip on this problem before we tackle anything else."

"This is bullshit. We've already talked to the boys and they're fine with the world finding out about Zayn and me, so we're going to tell people about our relationship whenever we feel like it," Harry insisted, standing up and pulling me towards the door with him. He paused in the doorway to look back at her. "And if you ever refer to our daughter as a problem again I will quit the band. I don't care how much it costs to get out of my contract, I will not work with people who disrespect my family."

With that we swept out of the room, not stopping until we reached the dressing room, which was thankfully empty. He kicked a chair over, still fuming over everything Nancy had said. I felt like crying, both in frustration at always having to defend our relationship and our choices, and out of the overwhelming love I felt for Harry.

I moved to stand behind him, placing my arms around his chest and resting my forehead against his shoulder. "Thank you Harry. Thank you for standing up for us and our daughter."

"Of course love," he whispered, turning around and wrapping his arms around me. "I'll always stand up for you. For both of you."

I squeezed him tighter, knowing that he meant what he said. We were touching from our feet all the way to our foreheads, but I still wished that I could hold him closer, wanting to comfort him as much as he comforted me. "Me too," I breathed against his lips. "Always and forever."


	64. Chapter 64

                                                                                     

I decided that it might be a good idea to get all of the difficult conversations out of the way as quickly as possible, so as soon as soundcheck was over I found an empty corridor in the arena so that I could FaceTime with my mum. My hands were shaking a bit as I dialed, my nerves over how she might react to my news hitting me hard as the phone rang.

"Darling! It's been too long since I've seen that handsome face," she said as soon as we were connected. The sight of her, looking so happy to see me, calmed me down a bit, and I knew that I could tell her anything.

"I know mum, I'm sorry. Things have been a little crazy lately. How are you? How are the girls?"

"We're all doing well love. How have you been? How's Harry?"

"I'm good, and he's good too. LIke I said, everything's been, like, totally crazy, but it's also been wicked, you know?" I told her, taking a deep breath before I continued. "Like, I just never knew that it would feel this way..." I admitted honestly.

"That what would feel this way?"

"Just like, being in love. I love him so much mum. I can't even explain how amazing he is. Like, everything about him. He's so sweet and he always knows how to make me laugh and how to cheer me up. I mean, I know that everyone knows how handsome and talented he is, but he's so much more than that. He's smart and giving and he has the biggest heart of anyone I know and I have no idea why he loves me but I thank my lucky stars every day that he does. I've never wanted to spend all my time with someone before. Even when he's being annoying I still want him around. I don't know, I just miss him every time we're apart, even if he's just in the loo or at the shops. He makes me feel more like, alive and comfortable than I ever was without him. I'm happier than I've ever been, but I'm scared too, cause I don't ever want to lose him," I blurted out, practically in one breath, blushing as I realized that I sounded like a lovesick teenager.

"I'm so happy for you dear. I know that loving someone that much comes with risks, because there's always the possibility that they could hurt you, but I've seen the way that Harry looks at you, and I know he loves you just as much as you love him."

"I dunno mum. I don't think he could possibly love me as much as I love him, but I really don't think that he'd ever hurt me either. I just feel so lucky to have him, you know?" I stopped speaking when I noticed that she was dabbing at her eyes. "Are you alright mum?"

"I'm just so glad to see you opening up and letting someone in. You deserve someone who loves you for you. Not because you're in One Direction and everything that goes along with that. I think you've found that with Harry. And I can't tell you how proud I am that you're following your heart. Things are getting pretty serious with you guys, aren't they?"

"Yeah mum, they are; more so than I ever could have imagined. I know you probably think that we're moving too fast, but-"

"I actually don't think that Zayn. You've always been mature for your age, and you've grown up even more in the last few years. I know that you didn't get together with Harry on a whim. You've always thought things through, so I'm sure that if you've chosen him to love then it's something that you're serious about."

Her words warmed my heart, even if I didn't completely agree with them. "I honestly don't feel like I had a choice in falling in love with him; it kinda just happened. Like it was meant to be or something. But yeah, I've thought a lot about what being with him would mean, for my career and my life, and I just know that he's worth all the risks. I know that I maybe could live without him, but I hope I never have to. I want everything with him mum. That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Is everything okay love?"

"Yeah. It's better than okay really. You know how I've always wanted kids right? And Harry's gonna be like, the most amazing dad ever. Like, just thinking about how good of a dad he's gonna be gets me all..." I started, before shaking my head to try to clear the images of Harry holding our daughter before I lost it completely. "Anyways yeah, we're...we're having a baby mum. You're gonna be a grandma."

She was quiet for a moment, looking at the screen with a dazed expression on her face. "You mean you're adopting a baby?"

I took a deep breath before answering her. This was the part of the conversation that I was dreading, but Harry and I had discussed it after the meeting with Nancy, wanting to be on the same page and for our families to know up front how we were approaching the situation.

"No, we're having a baby. Our friend Jade is pregnant. You might have seen something in the press about her and yeah, she's having our baby."

Her brow furrowed as she brought a hand to her mouth. "Did Harry cheat on you love? Is that what you're telling me?"

"What?! No mum,  _of course not_. Nobody cheated on anybody. It's a bit difficult to explain, but all that really matters is that we're having a baby. We're both gonna me the dads, and we're all so happy. And mum, it's a little girl," I added, knowing that this information would help take her attention away from all of the details I wasn't giving her.

"A little girl? You're having a daughter? And you're really okay with this? You and Harry are both okay with this?"

"We are mum. We're so like, unbelievably happy. I didn't know if being with him would mean that I wouldn't get to be a father, and honestly I would have accepted that if I had to, but now I can have him  _and_  a baby. And I know we're young, but you were my age when you had Doniya. I really can't wait, and Harry can't either. We both just feel like it's all meant to be, you know?"

"Well, I'm a little confused but if you're excited about it then I am too. And oh my godness, I'm going to be a grandma!" she yelled, tears dampening her cheeks. I beamed in response to her blinding smile. She looked genuinely happy, just as I'd hoped she would. As she started to prattle on about baby names and due dates I began to feel almost guilty at how kind the fates had been to me. How did I get lucky enough to be blessed not only with the best job in the world  _and_  Harry  _and_  a daughter, but also with such a wonderful family?

"Ummm, have you heard anything from Dad?" I interrupted her, the hole I'd felt since cutting my father out of my life compelling me to ask even though I was half afraid to hear her answer.

"I have. We've talked a bit, and I really think he's going to come around love. You just caught him by surprise, and you know it takes him a while to warm up to things. Your grandparents weren't crazy about me when he first brought me home, and he knows as well as I do that you can't choose who you love. Though I think that if you could choose, you couldn't make a better choice than Harry, and he certainly couldn't choose anyone better than you. Just please remember that, no matter what people say about you two being together, I'm proud of you for staying true to yourself. And I really think that your father will eventually feel the same way too."

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to will my tears away. My chest felt tight and my throat thick as I let the hope that she was right wash over me. "We've just never gone this long without speaking, and I miss him. And I know that it shouldn't matter to me, but I want him to be happy for me, you know?"

"I know sweetheart. He'll come around, I promise. He loves you so much Zayn. We both do. You know that, right?"

I nodded, too overwhelmed to speak for a minute. "Thanks mum. I better go get ready for the show. Give the girls a hug for me, okay? I love you."

"I will, and I love you too. Bye sweetheart."

"Bye mum, love you!" I told her, blowing her a kiss as we signed off.

I headed into the show that night with a much lighter heart. Yeah, Nancy had been a total twat, and I knew that Harry and I were going to get a lot of flack from management and the press about the baby and our relationship, but at that moment I didn't give a damn. All I cared about was the fact that I had Harry, and the boys, and my mum on my side. And that was more than enough for me.

Harry and I shared a kiss before we went on stage, and I couldn't hold in my glee as I smooched him all over his face. He didn't seem to mind, grabbing a hold of my cheeks to keep me still as he kissed the tip of my nose.

"I love it when you giggle. Your nose gets all scrunched up and it should be illegal how cute you look," he whispered as the lights were lowered and we went to take our places. "Just don't forget that your mine later!" he shouted, just as the music started playing.

The concert went really well, and I felt almost giddy as we all gathered backstage. Liam was on his phone while Niall and Louis played FIFA, but I couldn't sit still. Harry seemed restless as well, standing close to me and continually trying to push me towards the door.

"Come on Zee, I need you," he murmured, nibbling on my ear lobe before pulling away to give me a pained look.

"We're on the bus tonight baby," I told him as he slid his hand into my back pocket. "I think we might have to wait."

"I can't wait," he insisted, stomping his foot and making me laugh before turning his attention to the boys. "Hey guys? Are you going to be here a while?"

They all groaned as Niall tossed his hands in the air. "You guys really can't keep in your pants for five minutes, can ya?"

I didn't respond, turning to bury my head in Harry's shoulder to hide my embarrassment Harry, however, wasn't nearly as shy about his intentions as I was. 

"Are you going to finish your game up or not?" he asked pointedly.

"Yes! Just go already, you horny bastards," Niall shouted before turning his attention back to the screen.

Harry didn't need to be told twice, picking me up and tossing me over his shoulder as he headed for the door. "Don't worry, I just need like ten minutes," he called out as we entered the hallway.

"Ten minutes? More like two," I scoffed, earning a swift smack on the ass from him. He barreled down the corrider, refusing to put me down until we were outside. Once we reached the bus he finally set me on my feet, and I ran inside ahead of him, turning around to face him when I heard him climb in. I backed away as he moved towards me, anticipation flooding through me.

"Just what are you planning to do with me?" I asked, my voice cracking and betraying just how needy I already was for him. So much for playing it cool.

He looked me up and down as he stalked towards me, making me feel like he was some sort of predator and I was his prey. "First, I'm going to make you beg for it. And if you really show me how much you want it, then I'm gonna ride you until you can't even remember your name," he said as he pressed my body up against the wall.

I didn't have a chance to respond before his mouth was on mine, kissing me hard and deep. My dick started to swell as he kissed his way down my jaw to my neck. He slid his hands under my shirt, and a wave of pleasure hit me as his fingertips brushed over my nipples. That wave turned into a tsunami as he pinched both of them between his fingers, causing a loud moan to escape my lips. And then he started to grind his hips against mine and all I could think about was how much I wanted him.

He pulled away from me to unbutton his shirt. I followed suit, whipping mine off and tossing it to the ground before moving to undo my jeans. He was one step ahead of me, his jeans and boxers already discarded as he pushed me down on the couch. He sat down right beside me and wrapped a hand around my length.

"Do you want to open me up or do you want to watch me do it?" he asked between breathless kisses.

My head started to swim as I realized what he was saying. "You do it. I wanna see," I told him as I reached forward to grab the lube from my jeans and handed it to him. He put some into my hand before coating his fingers, and I quickly spread it over my cock, growing even harder as I watched him lean back and spread his legs.

And then he was sliding one finger in, then two, and my want quickly turned to need. I had never needed anything so badly as I needed to be inside of him right then. He looked so fucking sexy, cheeks flushed and chest rising rapidly as he pumped into himself. He bit his lip as his hand moved faster, but he still wasn't able to hold back his moans as he started to scissor his fingers.

"Fuck Haz, you look so fucking good. How's it feel? Tell me," I demanded, moving my own hand in time to his.

"So good. But not as good as you will. Do you want it? Do you want me?"

"Fuck yeah, I want you. I need you. So fucking bad."

"Yeah? Then come and get me."

I pounced on top on him, literally aching to be inside him. I pushed his fingers out of the way, holding his arm above his head as I slid into him. He was so tight, and I knew that I wasn't going to last long. I kissed his lips as I pumped into him, wanting to taste his moans. The next thing I knew he was pushing me back until I was sitting up against the back of the sofa and he was straddling me. I grabbed his hips and started to fuck into him as quickly I could, my orgasm already building.

I was fucking him hard and fast, racing to the end, when it all changed. I don't know if it was how beautiful he looked riding me, or if it was the gentle way he pushed my hair back where it had fallen into my eyes, but suddenly I didn't just want to fuck him. I wanted to cherish him; to show him how much I loved him.

I slowed the motion of my hips and moved my hands to hold both of his as I sat up straighter, so that our chests were touching. I let him set the pace, kissing him until I was dizzy. It felt like we were the only two people in the world as he clenched around me, coming against my chest as I spilled into him, our lips never breaking apart even as we moaned out each other's names.

As soon as my heart rate had returned to normal I picked him up and carried him to the bathroom so that we could take turns cleaning up in the tiny shower, not wanting to press our luck and have the boys catch us with our pants down. I needn't have worried, since Liam, Niall and Louis all texted us both repeatedly to warn us that they were heading to the bus. Harry pretended to be offended that they were taking so many precautions to ensure that they didn't walk in on us, but I just laughed as I pulled him into my bunk with me.

I curled up around him, one leg slung over his and my arm wrapped around his chest. He felt so good in my arms, his neck warm under my lips as I kissed it. I could hear our friends' laughter as they got ready for bed, but I was more focused on the beating of Harry's heart beneath my palm. I fell asleep with a full heart and a smile on my face, feeling like the luckiest man in the world.


	65. Chapter 65

                                                                                     

I woke up the next morning with my arms still wrapped around Harry. He was already awake, and I could tell that he was trying to keep still so that he didn't disturb me, so I gave him a squeeze to let him know that he could move.

"Morning love. How'd you sleep?" I asked him as I kissed along his shoulder.

"Good, good. I always sleep good when I'm with you."

I raked my free hand through his mess of curls as a thought occurred to me. "I meant to tell you last night, but I totally forgot when you seduced me," I began, pushing my hips into him. "Me mum is super psyched for the baby. You should have heard her babe...she actually cried she was so happy. How did Anne react?"

"She's excited too. A little confused about the details maybe, but happy all the same."

"My mum too. I think in this case the less we tell them the better. And I know they'll love the baby no matter what. Did you get to talk to Gemma too?"

"Yeah, we talked," he answered quietly, but I could feel his body tense up so I knew that he was hiding something.

"What happened? What's wrong?" I asked, sitting up on my elbow so that I could see him better.

"Nothing. Everything's fine, I promise," he told me, still facing the wall.

"Harry...Harry turn around and tell me what's wrong."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I have morning breath."

"So what, I do too."

"Well, that certainly doesn't make me more inclined to face you!"

"Harry...," I said, using my firm voice but getting no response from him. "Come on, look at me," I insisted, pulling on his shoulder until he was lying flat on his back.

"Everything's okay, honestly. She's super excited about us being together - she's always liked you - and I told her the truth about the baby and she took it really well," he blurted out before pausing.

"But..."

"But she doesn't think we should come out yet," he told me, finally looking me in the eye. Now it was my turn to tense, as all of my old fears of Harry wanting to hide our relationship came rushing back.  _This could not be happening again. I couldn't lose him again. I couldn't._  He must have seen how worried he was making me, because he quickly brought a hand up to caress my cheek. "She's just afraid about what the reaction might be. She doesn't want me to have to deal with any crap. Typical big sister protectiveness," he said with a shrug, obviously trying to act nonchalantly about the whole thing.

"What'd you tell her?" I asked, holding my breath as I waited for his answer. An answer that could change everything.

He slid the hand on my cheek around to the back of my neck and pulled me down for a kiss before responding. The soft touch of his lips against mine comforted me enough that I was able to draw in a shaky breath. It didn't  _feel_  like a goodbye kiss or an I'm-about-to-break-your-heart kiss, but I still needed to hear his answer.

"I told her the truth: that I'm worried about how the fans and everybody might react too, but in the end any hate I get will be worth it, cause I'll be able to walk down the street and hold my boyfriend's hand."

I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful beyond belief that we were both on the same page. Grateful that he didn't seem like he was going to be scared away again.

"That's how I feel about it too. I wish everyone would just mind their own fucking business, and I'm honestly scared shitless of the response we might get, and that us doing this might hurt the band, or our families, but I'm more scared of the idea that if we don't tell the truth soon, then we could be stuck hiding forever. Plus I can't deny that I'm pretty excited to show my handsome boyfriend off, and I kinda like the idea of the whole world knowing that you're mine."

Harry smiled brightly, and I couldn't resist kissing the dimple closest to me. "As long as they all know that you're mine too. I'll cut a bitch who touches my man," he warned, making us both laugh loudly before I remembered where we were and quickly clamped a hand over his mouth as I climbed on top of him.

"Shhh, you'll wake the guys," I reminded him. "Anyways, I think I'd like to see that...jealous Harry is pretty fucking hot," I told him as I leaned down to kiss along his jaw.

"I was thinking...maybe we should wait to have sex again until we're out in the open," he murmured as he angled his neck so that I could move my lips to it.

My head shot up as I quickly moved to climb off of him.

"Wait! Where do you think you're going?" he asked, grabbing my thighs to hold me in place.

"I'm gonna go tweet how much I love your cock, or find a megaphone and shout it out or something. The people need to know we're together right away," I teased.

"Ha ha, it was just an idea."

"I bet you'd last about five minutes before you'd be begging for me to give it to you," I said with a smirk.

"Hmpf. And just how do you think you'd be able to convince me to break this vow of chastity?" he asked, the glint in his eyes telling me that he was in the mood to play.

"I can think of a few ways...first I'd kiss you here," I began, pausing to kiss my way from his jaw to the spot right beneath his ear that always made him moan. "Then I'd work my way down your body, kissing you everywhere I could, not stopping until you were hard as a rock," I whispered into his ear, stretching out on top of him and pressing my hips into his. I could feel him getting harder underneath me, so I rocked my hips again and again, rubbing my length against his until he couldn't help but buck up into me. I knew that he could feel how hard I was, how hard thinking about everything I wanted to do with him made me, and I knew he loved it, just as much as I did.

I rolled off of him then, earning a groan of protest. I ignored it, keeping my lips near his ear so that I could tell him what I wanted to do to him without the boys hearing me. "I guess your vow of chastity would mean that I couldn't touch your cock, but I'd really want to. I'd wanna touch it and taste it, but you wouldn't want me to. No, you wouldn't want me to lick you up and down, or to take you as deep as I could. But just thinking about doing those things would get me so hard. Do you see how hard you make me Harry?" I whispered, grabbing his hand and pushing it against my dick.

He moaned and began to palm me through my boxers, touching as much of my length as he could before I pushed him off of me. "Don't forget, that vow means that you can't make me come either. So you'll just have to sit there quietly and watch me," I told him, pushing my briefs down and wrapping a hand around my hard on. His eyes were hooded as he watched me stroke myself, and as soon as I swept my thumb over my tip to spread the bead of precome there down my cock I saw him break.

"Enough, enough. Lemme do it," he ordered as he slid further down the bunk, pushing my hand out of the way and replacing it with his mouth. 

I smiled in victory as the pleasure overtook me. It felt so fucking good, but I hadn't forgotten where we were and who we were surrounded by, so I knew that I needed to stop him. "Haz...oh god, yeah right there...fuck Haz, we can't. The guys..." I said as quietly as I could manage with so little blood left in my brain for coherent thought.

He pulled his mouth off of me, continuing to jerk me off as he looked up at me with a mischievous smile. "We're alone. They left before you woke up."

"What? Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged as he placed an open mouthed kiss on me, swirling his tongue around my tip. "I just like how sexy your voice sounds when you whisper," he admitted with a smirk. "Do you see how hard you make me Harreh," he whispered in his best Bradford accent.

"You are such a little shit. You're gonna pay for that...right after you suck me off," I told him, pushing his head back where I wanted it. And suck me off he did, using his mouth and his tongue and his hands to make me come so hard that I saw stars. I gladly returned the favor, loving the weight of him in my mouth and the taste of him on my tongue and the way he whimpered for me to stop when he couldn't take it anymore.

"That's one bet I enjoyed losing," he panted with a laugh before turning to face me with a more serious expression on his face. "Not to get all deep right after that magnificent performance, but you'd really be okay with what we were talking about before? With everybody finding out about us sometime soon?"

I took a deep breath as I tried to think of the best way to explain my thoughts on the matter. "Yeah, I would. I mean, just like thinking about it and figuring out how it should happen stresses me the fuck out, but I still want it to happen. I'm sick of hiding and pretending to be something I'm not, and I hate how everyone thinks that you're this ladies man who's banging every girl he meets. I just feel like what we have is real and that it's forever, and I don't want to be ashamed to let people know about it. But I wish it could just happen on its own, without a press release or official announcement or any of that shit, you know?"

"Yeah, I think I get it. Don't stress about it now, okay? We'll think of something, and if word gets out in the meantime we'll be okay with that too, right?"

"Right," I agreed. Because I really did agree with him. Part of me wanted everything to happen on a schedule, but the other, bigger part of me wished that it could just happen naturally, like it would for a normal couple, without me having to put any forethought or planning into it. But nothing about our lives was normal, so I pushed those thoughts aside as I gave him one last kiss before we got up to get ready for the day.

***

The next few weeks passed quickly, our days spent in a blur of putting the finishing touches on our new album and our nights spent performing for our fans in city after city after city. I couldn't believe that it was finally time for our final concert. The tour had seemed to last forever, but I knew that a part of me would miss it all. I was looking forward to a few weeks off before we had to start promoting Four, but the time spent on the bus with the lads, the camaraderie and friendships we'd built, and the rush that came from performing in front of a stadium full of people...there was really nothing else like it in the world. 

Everything felt a little bittersweet as I stepped out onto the stage for the final show. I was overwhelmed as I looked around at all of the screaming fans, knowing how much effort each and every one of them had put into coming to see us, and how much they cared for us. It gave me hope that they would still be there when they knew the truth about Harry and me.

Harry looked so fucking sexy as he sang in heart out. He was made to be onstage; born to be a rock god, and I knew that he never felt more in his element than he did when he was performing. I had hardly seen him over the last few days, as he always seemed to be running here or there, wanting to soak up life on the road while he still could. I did my best to let him have his freedom, though I couldn't wait to have him all to myself for a bit. 

The show went off without a hitch. The rest of the guys seemed just as hyped as I was, and we were all even more sentimental and affectionate than normal. It wasn't until the last song of our encore that I noticed that the other guys were ignoring our usual choreography, instead all gathering around me. I quickly racked my brain, trying to think if any last minute changes had been made. I couldn't think of anything, and I shot Liam a panicked look, hoping for guidance. He gave me a reassuring smile, so I decided to just go along with whatever mischief they were planning.

I felt a pair of strong hands on my waist as we neared the end of Best Song Ever, and I tried to ignore the chills that they sent through me as I focused on hitting my high note. Harry's handsome face appeared in front of mine before I could finish singing, and the next thing I knew my mic was being pushed out of the way. I looked at him in confusion, and I could just make out him saying  _I love you_  over the deafening roar of the crowd before his lips were on mine. I stood frozen in shock as he deepened the kiss, unable to believe that in the final seconds of our final song during our final show, Harry was kissing me - actually fucking kissing me - in front of the whole stadium. Hell, in front of the whole fucking world.


	66. Chapter 66

                                                                                              

Time seemed to stretch out as I tried to process what was happening. Harry was actually kissing me - more like full on making out really - in front of everyone, right out in the open. It was like the first time he'd kissed me in front of Niall, but times a thousand - times a million, times infinity. The crowd fell silent as they realized what was happening, and then they  _roared_. Screams so piercing that I could hear them over the impossibly loud rushing in my ears. Instinct led me to close my eyes and grasp his face, though I was barely able to focus enough to kiss him back. Barely able to stand when he finally pulled away, the ground feeling unsteady under my feet. My heart was pounding and my legs were wobbling and my hands were shaking, and I wasn't sure if it was out of fear or relief or  _what_.

The other boys swarmed around Harry and me as we left the stage, practically holding me up while we rushed backstage. They stopped at our dressing room, but Harry pulled me farther down the hallway, his arm wrapped firmly around me as we hurried along, jogging more than walking. I turned back to see the lads waving goodbye with big smiles on their faces, seemingly unfazed by the spectacle that we'd just put on. Harry and I didn't slow down until we were outside. Paddy was waiting there by the open door of an SUV that Harry pushed me into before climbing in himself. The next thing I knew Paddy was driving us out of the arena and into the night. 

Less than five minutes had passed since Harry had kissed me onstage, yet I felt like everything had changed. He hadn't said a word to me, and as I looked over at him, biting his lip and fidgeting nervously in his seat, his cheeks flushed an obscene shade of pink and his eyes more alive than ever, I didn't know whether to snog him or throttle him. I went for a combination of the two, wrapping my hands around his neck as I brought him in for a kiss.

"Are you alright? I've never seen you look this pale," he told me after a brief kiss, looking concerned as he ran his thumbs along my cheeks. I wasn't surprised to hear that I looked bad. I was freezing, and it felt like my blood had been replaced by ice water. And not in the stone cold killer with nerves of steel kind of way. No, I felt more like I was about to melt into a puddle and disappear. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this overwhelmed, the events of the last few minutes seeming too surreal to possibly have happened.

"What the fuck were you thinking Harry?" I asked in bewilderment, a desperate laugh bubbling out of me and making it sound like I was choking. 

"Don't be mad," he leaned in to breathe against my lips, holding onto me just as tightly as I was him. "I just wanted us to be out in the open, on our own terms. That's what you wanted too, right?"

"Yeah, but...you mean Modest didn't know you were gonna do that? What about Simon?"

"No," he admitted, unable to hold back his glee over this fact. "I've been planning this for weeks, but hardly anybody knew."

I couldn't help but stare at him in awe. "But...what did you plan? And where are we going?"

"I've got it all sorted. I booked us a private plane; that's where we're headed now. I packed our bags earlier - they're in the back - and I told Paul right before the show that I needed a car ready and waiting for us. He had a lot of questions but I told him it was best that he didn't know anything for now. Plausible deniability and all that."

"But where are we flying to? And why are we leaving?"

"We're going to a private island in Ibiza. I just figured now might be a good time to get away from it all. Somewhere we can turn our phones off and pretend that we're the only two people in the world. My mum was the only person I told the whole plan to. I gave her the landline there and I asked her to give it to your mum as soon as everything went down, but we'll be unreachable to everyone else. No paparazzi, no internet, no handlers. Just you and me."

I had to admit that it seemed like he had everything sussed. I was terrified to see what was being said online, so some time away from it all was like a dream come true. And on a motherfucking private island to boot. "You really are a genius, aren't you? I swear sometimes your brillance terrifies me," I told him, shaking my head and shooting him a tentative smile.

"I have that effect on a lot of people," he smirked.

The trip to the airport and the plane ride went by in a blur. I was too nervous to be able to hold a decent conversation but too wired to sleep, my fingers itching to scour the internet. But I figured that would be a bad idea, since even if some people were supporting us I knew that it was the negative comments that would haunt me. It was a trait that I hated about myself, so I tried to focus on the positive.

There was a lot to be happy about, honestly. I had gotten my wish: the world had found out about me and Harry not because management or our record label decided that it was time, or because our secret had been revealed by someone close to us, but because Harry had no longer been able to hold in his feelings for me. Sure, he'd planned it all out, to such a degree that I was truly impressed, but the reason he'd kissed me on that stage was because he'd wanted to. He wanted the world to know about us, and to be able to kiss me any time that he wanted to. I wanted those same things, and as reckless as outing us like that had been, his heart had been in the right place, and I could never be mad at him for wanting everyone to know that we were together.

And knowing that we were going to have a whole week to ourselves, on a private island no less, well, that was just the icing on the cake. But it wasn't until we landed and were taken by boat to Tagomago Island in Ibiza, Spain that I realized just how much Harry had truly outdone himself when he came up with this scheme.

A fucking butler met us at the gate and introduced himself as Niko, and I knew then that this was going to be unlike any other vacation I'd been on. He led us towards our accommodations, telling us about all of the amenities on the way in heavily accented English. Harry had booked us the Matalau private villa, which sat on the oceanfront overlooking the Somosomo Straits. It was dark out, but I could just make out a sandy beach with a towering cliff in the distance, and I was confident that the view would be amazing come daylight.

The villa itself was huge, so big that we would probably be able to sleep in a different bedroom each night if we chose to. Floor to ceiling windows on all sides highlighted the open floor plan, making it feel like we were outdoors. There was a private pool with an actual waterfall out back, and I found myself looking around at everything in wonder, not realizing that my mouth was hanging open until Harry started mocking me. I went to give him a small shove, the same as I would have done to any of the boys for making fun of me, before I realized that I no longer had to treat him like he was just a friend, even while we were in public. So instead of pushing him away I pulled him in, kissing him square on the mouth and laughing as we collapsed onto the huge bed behind us. 

Niko, wise man that he was, took that as his cue to exit. "If you do not need anything else I will leave you alone. Please dial line two if you need anything at all from me or from your chef. We are at your service day and night," he told us, causing Harry to chuckle under his breath, and this time I did shove him. Cheeky fucker.

I looked at Harry with a huge grin on my face as soon as we were alone. "Sometimes being rich is like, the best thing ever." 

"It really is," he agreed with a laugh, grabbing my hands as we hopped around in a circle like little kids. We explored the entire house, exclaiming enthusiastically over everything. Yes, I had a lot of money, but this level of extravagence, on top of the luxury of being able to spend a week alone with my boyfriend, was still new to me. I felt like I had just been transported to a magical world; a world without worries or cares where anything seemed possible.

We finally settled down on a big canopy bed that was outside on a cliff with the beach just below, surrounded by candles. I was too frightened to get close to the edge, but I felt safe in Harry's arms as we curled up together. The moon was bright, illuminating the beach and reflecting off of the water, and Harry looked ridiculously handsome in the candlelight as I traced his tattoos with my finger.

"What are you doing babe?" he asked, looking at me with so much love in his eyes that I felt my own start to tear up.

"I'm just trying to memorize you," I admitted shyly, because I was. I wanted to memorize every inch of him, from his toes to his tattoos to his floppy locks and everything in between. "You're so fucking beautiful Haz. I never want to forget this moment," I whispered, feeling a tear get trapped in my eyelashes before running down my cheek.

"Baby...baby," he said, sitting up and pulling me into a hug. "What's wrong?"

"I just love you so much. I can't believe that you were willing to risk everything for me, and that you planned this whole thing out for us. You're the most amazing man I've ever known, and I don't deserve you."

"Hush now," he ordered gently, wiping my tears away. "You deserve the whole world, and I want to be the one to give it to you. You  _are_  worth me risking everything for. I'd take you over the music and the fame and the money any day. That's how much I love you, and I never want you to forget it."

"I just can't believe that this is my life," I said, gesturing at all of the luxury around us. "I never could have imagined any of this as a little boy. And I can't believe that I get to call you mine on top of everything else. How did I get so fucking lucky?"

"I'm the lucky one," he insisted as he pushed back my fringe and kissed my temple. "I get to be yours."

I smiled as he pulled us back against the pillows, listening to the white canopy flap in the wind. "Maybe we're both lucky," I decided as I fiddled with his fingers, interlocking them with my own as we cuddled the night away.

Besides quick visits from Niko and our chef, Krista, and some of the island's staff, it really did feel like we were the only two people in the world, and it was heavenly. We woke up early most mornings so that we could watch the sun rise over the cliff, snuggling under a duvet that we'd dragged out as we made plans for the future. Our future, since I knew for a fact that our lives would be intertwined forever, both as fathers to our child and as lovers.

Harry had arranged for us to have a couples massage on our first full day there, right in the outdoor living area of the villa, and though I was surprised when the two women showed up I was looking forward to anything that would help me relax. They didn't seem to recognize us, and Harry had assured me that the island took the privacy of its guests seriously, so I felt comfortable giving him a kiss to show my appreciation for all he'd done in front of them.

"You can literally touch me anywhere. I'm not shy," Harry told the masseuse after introducing himself, quirking an eyebrow at me as he smirked.

"Harry...," I warned, my voice low and firm, earning a loud laugh from him. I lied facedown on the table in just my boxer briefs, though he, of course, chose to get completely undressed. I laughed at his antics, glad beyond belief that we were at a stage in our relationship where I didn't feel jealous over him being touched by someone else. In fact, as I looked over at him to see him smiling lazily back at me, little moans escaping his pretty mouth, I found that it was actually a bit of a turn on. I started to get a little excited as I felt the tension I'd been holding onto disappear as the woman worked on my muscles, closing my eyes and imagining that Harry was the one rubbing me all over.

He apparently had the same idea, because about halfway through the massage I heard him whispering to my masseuse. I kept my eyes closed, though I was eager to see what he was planning. The next thing I knew he was sitting on top of me, his strong thighs bracketing my hips. He began to massage my back, his hands slick with oil as they glided over my skin, and I groaned when I felt how hard he was against my ass.

"How does this feel Mr. Malik? You like that?" he asked in a Spanish accent.

"Yeah," I breathed. "Just don't tell my boyfriend how hard you're making me."

He pushed his hips into me more firmly then, so that I could feel all of him rub against me. I knew that he was naked, and imagining what he must look like sitting on my back made me even harder. His hands trailed down my sides as he pressed his chest to my back, and I could feel how quickly his heart was beating as he started to whisper in my ear, his breath against my skin sending chills through me with every word.

"Do you feel how hot you make me? What do you wanna do to me Daddy?"

His words went straight to my d!ck, my hips rutting against the table, desperate for friction. Desperate for him. I could feel the heat radiating off of him as he moved down my body, his oiled up skin sliding easily against mine as he pulled my boxers off. My hands itched to touch him, to caress his chest and squeeze his biceps and grip his hips. My eyes ached to see him, to look him up and down, to drink him in, from head to toe.

As soon as he was all the way off of me I flipped over, and I was rewarded with the sight of him, skin tan and glistening as he strutted towards me, looking like the sexiest motherfucker that ever lived. He climbed back up on the table next to me, kissing me deeply as he moved against me. His kisses felt so good, tasted so good, but I wanted more. I kept my lips against his as I leaned up on my elbow, holding his attention with the way my tongue was moving against his before surprising him by pushing him onto his stomach and climbing on top of him. I put all of my weight on him, pressing his shoulders more firmly into the table as I nipped at the back of his neck.

"Fuck yeah, hold me down. Just like that Daddy," he moaned as I slid one hand into his curls, tugging on the strands harshly. His hair felt so soft gliding through my fingers, in stark contrast to his body, which was rock solid underneath me. His shoulders were broad where I held them down, loving how strong they felt in my hands. I wanted him so fucking badly; wanted to make him shake and moan and scream my name. He was mine, all mine, and the whole fucking world knew it, and I needed to make sure that he did too.

"What do you want me to do to you baby boy? Want me to lick you?" I asked, scooting down and spreading his cheeks so that I could sweep my tongue between them, making his hips stutter. I felt his thighs begin to shake as I flicked my tongue faster, and I smacked him, spurred on my the sting in my hand and mesmerized by the way his ass turned red beneath my palm.

"Stay still," I ordered as I sat up and began to rub the head of my cock against his entrance. His skin was still slick with massage oil, and I spread some of it onto my length before I began to nudge into him, as slowly as I could manage.

"More Daddy, please," he begged. "I need more of you. Fuck me harder." I slid my arms under his shoulders as he spoke, allowing me to pump into him harder. He was tight and hot around me, and I couldn't get enough. The sun on my back and the wind in my hair and the man underneath me all felt so good, and I never wanted it to end. It felt too fucking good to last though, the fire already building in my belly and shooting up my spine.

Harry must have sensed how close I was, and he spread his legs and bent his knees so that he could push back against me, chants of  _moremoremore_  and  _daddydaddydaddy_  falling from his lips and encouraging me to fuck him harder and faster.

"Come on me Zee. I wanna see it," he moaned. I couldn't deny him, not when he sounded so needy and desperate, so I pulled out and sat up on my knees as he flipped over and started stroking himself. His dick looked huge in his hand, as hard as I had ever seen it and wet with precome, and I stared at it as I started to come, aiming at his chest and painting his tattoos as I shouted his name.

"Is this what you wanted baby? Tell me how much you love it."

"So fucking much," he groaned as he started to come as well, coating his stomach as his hand beat out an erratic pace. I looked him up and down as I licked my lips, taking in every inch of him in all his sexed out glory.

"I know the whole world already knows how gorgeous you are, but they have no idea how fucking hot you look like this, all sex-crazed and covered in my come," I said, running my hand through the mess on his torso and bringing my fingers up to his lips.

"Mmmm," he moaned as he sucked on my fingers. "You're the only one that gets to see me like this. You're the only one who gets to make me look like this."

"Damn straight," I murmured, collapsing onto the table next to him and looking up at the sky. I rested my head against his shoulder as I tried to catch my breath, high off of the orgasm that had just shot through me and on the love that I felt for the man lying beside me. 

"This is already the best holiday I've ever had," he murmured from beside me.

"Me too," I agreed, leaning towards him so that I could kiss the person who had filled my heart and rocked my world and changed my life, in the most wonderful ways imaginable.


	67. Chapter 67

                                                                         

Our time on the island had been idyllic, just what we needed after the long tour. I'd been surprised to find that I'd been able to avoid obsessing over what people were saying about us for the most part, though the thoughts would creep their way in on occasion. Despite this, whenever I thought about Harry kissing me onstage the most prominent feeling was one of relief. Relief that it was done, that everything was out in the open, with no possibility of going back. I had always been that way, stressing out over making a decision, endlessly weighing the pros and cons, and the decision of when and how to come out had been no different. But whenever I finally made a choice and committed to it the relief was always instantaneous. I was glad that we were finally being honest with the world, and I couldn't imagine ever regretting that decision, no matter how people reacted to it. 

The weather had been a bit colder than I preferred, but that hadn't stopped us from doing all the coupley things that I'd always dreamed of doing with Harry on holiday, and I probably spent more time on the beach that week than I had in my whole life combined. We built sand castles and played frisbee, and I cheered Harry on from the sidelines as he attempted to wakeboard, looking absolutely adorable in his skintight wetsuit. We went for long walks together, holding hands and kicking water on each other until Harry inevitably tried to get me to go farther in and I had to distract him with kisses until we were making out in the sand like we were in some sort of romantic comedy.

We were finally blessed with warm enough temperatures to be able to take our shirts off and really enjoy all the beach had to offer. We took full advantage, wanting to soak up the sun before our trip ended. We still had a few items to check off of our beach bucket list, so we started with me burying him in the sand.

I patted him up and down to make sure that he was completely covered before resting my head against him so that I could look up at the sky. I shielded my eyes with one hand, watching the clouds float across the clear blue expanse as the sun warmed my face. London and all the drama there seemed worlds away, and I almost wished that I could stay in this moment forever. I couldn't ever remember feeling so content. So calm and complete. Harry was the reason for it all, and I was eternally grateful for whatever fates had brought us together.

"Were you worried about bringing me to an island? Since I don't like the water?" I asked as I turned to look at him.

"I was hoping that maybe you'd gotten over your fear since you went in the ocean that one day, after we..." he began, looking as sheepish as he could manage at the mention of our breakup sex, considering that only his head was visible. He didn't say anything more, probably worried that I'd leave him buried.

"Yeah, I went in, but it wasn't exactly a positive experience. I've never been more scared than I was that night, and not just because of the ocean," I admitted quietly, remembering just how heartbroken and lost I'd felt. But now, sat with Harry on a beautiful beach, I knew that our relationship was so much deeper and more stable than it had been then, and suddenly I didn't want to be scared anymore. "Do you want to get in?"

"With you? You'll really come in with me?"

I nodded tentatively as I stood up. "We gotta get that sand off of you somehow. Just a little bit though, okay? Not too deep."

He agreed readily, so I pulled him up and we began to make our way towards the shoreline. He let me set the pace, never pressuring me to go faster, and he held my hand the entire time, even wrapping an arm around my waist when he saw me start to get anxious. The water was a lot warmer and calmer than it had been off of the coast of Florida, but that didn't stop me from imagining that I was about to be attacked by some vicious sea creature. We only made it out to chest level before I bailed, unable to stop thinking of of all the unknown terrors that could be hidden in the ocean's depths, but I could tell that he was proud of me. I felt like I could do anything with him by my side, so I decided to continue my brave streak.

"Wanna get in the pool? You could teach me to swim..."

"Seriously? Yeah, let's go," he yelled, yanking me back towards the villa before I had a chance to change my mind. I insisted that he let me put sunscreen on him first, seeing that his skin was already turning pink and not wanting him to burn. He begrudgingly let me, though he informed me repeatedly that he shouldn't have to wear any if I wasn't. I kissed along his shoulder in an attempt to distract him, grateful that he was letting me take care of him.

We spent the afternoon in the pool as I attempted to learn the basics. Harry was a surprisingly good teacher, patiently instructing me and praising me every time I got something right, though his hands began to venture lower and lower as the lesson wore on. The feeling of his fingers drifting from my stomach down to the waistband of my bathing suit helped distract me whenever I started to panic, so I wasn't complaining. Not that I ever complained when he was touching me.

I never ventured into the deep end, but by the end of the lesson I was able to make it back and forth in the shallow end without touching the bottom, which I figured would be enough for me to be able to play with the baby in the pool. Maybe she and I could even learn to swim together. Harry seemed pleased with my progress, clapping enthusiastically for me every step of the way.

"You did so good babe," he said, a proud smile lighting up his face. "And I think I've told you before what seeing you all wet like this does to me," he told me, walking towards me through the water until he had me pressed up against the wall. He kissed me, but as soon as I started to get into it he pulled away. "Come on. Come get in the shower with me," he ordered, hopping out of the pool and pulling me towards the outdoor shower.

As soon as our suits were off and we were under the hot stream of water his mouth was on mine again, and I was sure that I would never be able to get over what a good kisser he was. I mean, it was hard to focus on just that when it almost always led to more, but it was like his lips were made for kissing. Full and soft, they fit perfectly against mine. And his tongue, God, the things he could do to me with it were positively sinful. I was helpless against his mouth, and he knew it.

So I couldn't really be blamed for forgetting the outside world as he parted my lips with his tongue, sliding it in and moving it in perfect rhythm with mine. All I could focus on was the heat of his mouth, and the way he was panting and moaning as he pushed me up against the wall of the shower.

I was brought back to reality when I felt his hand wrap around me, coaxing me to full hardness with just a few expert strokes. His hand was slick with soap, and he slid over my length easily. I groaned against his mouth as I placed my hand on him. He was already hard, so hard that it made grip him even tighter.

I moved my mouth to his neck, chasing the drops of water there with my tongue. He tasted like sunscreen and chlorine, a surprisingly alluring combination. His body was pressed up against me completely, his leg nudging its way in between my thighs as we fisted each other. He distracted me by nibbling on my ear and pulling on my hair until I was a moaning mess, and the next thing I knew he was pushing my hand away, taking us both into his own soapy hand.

He started to thrust and I followed suit, making our cocks rub together in the most delicious way. It felt fucking amazing, every inch of him sliding against every inch of me. I reached down to cup his ass, feeling his muscles contract every time his hips moved, and I could only imagine how good he must look from behind. My view was just as incredible though, and I couldn't take my eyes off of his hand as I began to pump against him faster.

"I love you so much Zee," he moaned as he started to come, biting at my neck.

"I love you too Haz," I grunted as I started to fall over the edge, coming onto his hand and stomach as I grabbed his hips to hold him in place. "More than anything," I breathed as I released him and leaned my head back against the shower wall. He shot me a satisfied smirk, one that I was quick to wipe off his face with a kiss, not stopping until we were both ready to go again.

We spent countless hours in the bed on the cliff, buried under a mountain of blankets as we watched the day turn to night and then back to day again. It was the best of both worlds for me, able to spend as much time in bed as I wanted while still being able to feel the breeze in my hair and the sun on my cheeks.

"I love it out here. Think we can put a bed in our backyard?" I asked him one night as I absentmindedly played with his hair.

"Anything you want love, it's yours," he murmured, before reaching up to touch my hand. "Are you braiding my hair?"

I froze my hands immediately. I hadn't even realized it, but that was exactly what I'd been doing. "Sorry," I said, feeling my face start to heat.

"Don't be sorry; I love it. Where'd you learn to braid?" he asked.

I shrugged as I started to work on his hair again. "I have three sisters. Me mum put me to work."

"Well, at least we know our daughter's hair will be in good hands," he said, reaching back to squeeze my knee. He was quiet while I finished up his braids, staring off into space, so I nudged him with my shoulder as I moved to sit next to him. He pulled me even closer to him, his brow furrowed.

"What do you think they're saying about us?" he asked as he gazed at the water below us. I immediately knew what he was referring to, and I was surprised that we'd managed to avoid talking about it for this long.

"I dunno," I admitted, because I really didn't know what people's reactions would be. I'd been thinking about it a bit, during quiet moments when I wasn't being distracted by Harry, and the truth was that I was dreading finding out. I'd been called so many names and put down so many times since I'd joined the band, and though I had learned to deal with it, it wasn't something that I would ever be able to get used to. I hated that the internet made people brave enough to say things that they would never dare say to someone's face, and I was terrified that my relationship with Harry would just give people more fuel to burn me with. But I also knew that he was worth being called a million hurtful things, and I wanted him to know that.

I held his hand with both of mine and made sure that he was looking me in the eye before I continued. "My guess is that a lot of people are happy to hear that we're together, and they're probably busy writing dirty stories about us. Jade mentioned something to me a little while ago that I think might be true. She said that she thinks that a lot of our fans want us to date them, but if that's not going to happen then they want us to be with each other. So I think we're gonna get some support from those people.

"I'm sure there's also gonna be a lot of ignorant assholes who have nothing better to do than hate on us. But I don't care about what they think, cause they're not the kinda fans I want anyways. I'm really trying to not give a shit about any of it, cause this is what matters," I told him, gesturing between the two of us. "It doesn't matter whether they love us or hate us, cause we have each other. Even if everyone else turns their back on us, we'll still love each other. Right?"

Harry agreed with a sweet smile, turning my hand over in his so that it was palm up. "You're right. This is what matters. I love you," he said, tracing over the tattoo on my wrist before pressing his own wrist against it.

"I love you too. More than anything," I told him as a feeling of peace washed over me. It was a beautiful night, quiet except for the sound of the waves breaking and the rustling of the canopy above us, and I felt like there was nothing left unsaid between us. I knew that we were going to face a lot of opposition when we got home, and that worries over people's reactions could consume us if we let them, but Harry and I had grown up a lot over these last few months. We were communicating better and I was hopeful that we could make it through any drama and come out the other end even stronger. I just wanted to focus on him; to make sure that he didn't let negative comments eat away at him, and I knew that he would do the same for me. The key was putting each other's feelings over our own egos.

The truth was that love could be cruel, love could be obsessive, and manipulative, and wicked. Love made people feel out of control and sometimes they chose to counteract that by becoming controlling and harsh. But love could also be kind, and giving, and freeing. I needed my love for Harry to be good. Something that would lift us both up; providing us with some comfort and security in the world. I wanted to be a positive influence in his life, just as he had been in mine. Everything about our lives seemed so impermanent. You could be on top of the world one day and be trashed by critics and fans the next. We never knew how our next song or video or album was going to be received, and it was hard to make friends in the industry when everyone felt like competition. I wanted - no, I  _needed -_  our relationship to rise above all that. Few people could truly understand what our lives had been like over the last few years, and it was because of these shared experiences that I knew that we would be able to stick together no matter what.


	68. Chapter 68

                                                                                   

The trip ended all too soon. We were both quiet as we boarded the flight, anticipating that a shitstorm of epic proportions was going to be waiting for us back home. I could tell that Harry was anxious, and he quickly started downing one drink after another. I didn't know what to say to ease his mind, so I just held his hand, kissing it every now and then to show him that I loved him. His mood seemed to improve with each drink, just as his stories got more and more random and the volume in which he told them got louder and louder. I was thoroughly enjoying his antics, but I finally decided that it was time to cut him off when he started telling jokes. 

"Hey Zayn, where do you find a one-legged dog?" he asked me as the plane was landing, his face flushed and his eyes shining. I ignored him as I finished his drink for him, but he wasn't having it. "Zayn. Zayn. Zee. Zed!" he yelled, poking me in the side repeatedly.

I sighed. "I dunno Harry, where?"

"Wherever you left him!" he shouted, slapping his knee as he guffawed. I couldn't help but laugh along with him, grateful that he was still smiling even though we were officially back in London. By the time we made it onto the tarmac his limbs seemed too long for his body, and he accidentally slapped me repeatedly as he attempted to spin around in a circle, reminding me of a flailing octopus.

"I love Zayn Javadd Malik!" he shouted at the sky. "I love him and he loves me and the whole world needs to know it!"

"Alright Casanova. Come on, buck up," I instructed, bending down so that he could jump on my back. I knew from the way that he was tripping over his own feet that this would be the quickest way to make it to the car that was waiting for us. He jumped up eagerly, wrapping his legs around my waist and nuzzling his face into my neck. "Geez Haz, you weigh a ton," I groaned as I staggered to stay upright.

"It's just baby weight," he insisted indignantly, his breath hitting my neck in puffs. "Little Daisy's the one who weighs a ton."

"Daisy? I'm not sure about that one..."

"Maisie?" he asked hopefully.

I shook my head as we finally made it to the car. "Keep trying."

"Hazy? Lazy? Crazy?"

"Yeah, how 'bout we talk about baby names when you're sober, kay?" He nodded solemnly as I helped him into the SUV, resting his head against the seat and singing what sounded like some sort of show tune as he looked out of the window.

Luckily we were able to get from the airport to our house without any paparazzi sightings. It was late when we arrived, but Beth was waiting for us as we stumbled through the door, my arm wrapped protectively around Harry's waist, and she welcomed us both with big hugs.

"Beth! I missed you so much! Ooohh...guess what? I kissed Zayn onstage and everybody saw. No more hiding for us," he told her, speaking even more slowly than normal.

"I know, I saw, and I'm so proud of you love," she said as she cupped his cheeks, causing his eyes to shine even brighter.

"I had to do it Beth. I just love him so much," he whispered loudly, a serious expression on his face and his eyes as wide as saucers. "He doesn't know it yet, but one day we're gonna get married and my name's gonna be Harry...Edward...Malik. Doesn't that sound good Beth? Harry Malik? I just love him so much," he told her again as she led him into the living room and sat him down on the sofa.

I felt his sweet words wash over me one by one, filling my heart to the brim. I knew that he was totally pissed, but I hoped that this was more than just a drunken declaration. I hoped that he meant everything that he'd just said, because I felt exactly the same way. I wanted us to share a last name as well. Hell, I wanted us to share everything. He wasn't just a part of my life; he was my life. The love I felt for him had inspired me to become a better man, and I never wanted to go back to the scared little boy I'd been before. I only wanted to go forward, and I couldn't imagine a future that didn't involve Harry.

"Oh! I almost forgot! Tell her Zee. Tell Beth about the baby," he demanded, pulling me down next to him and placing my hand over his belly. 

I gave him a kiss on the lips and brushed his hair out of his face before I turned back to Beth. "We're having a little girl. She's due the first week of November," I told her, a proud smile spreading across my face at the mention of our daughter's imminent arrival.

Her whole face lit up as her hands began to flutter. "A baby? That's wonderful news!" she exclaimed, bending down to give us both another big hug.

I didn't respond, just held her tight as I reached behind her to squeeze Harry's arm where it was wrapped around her back. This was exactly how I had wanted people to react to the news of our impending fatherhood; not with questions but with joy, and I loved her for her enthusiasm.

"This is so exciting! There's so much to do," she said as she started to scurry off before pausing in the doorway to the kitchen. "Oh, and Mr. Zayn? A package arrived for you. It's in your bedroom." 

I thanked her and helped Harry upstairs, where he immediately stripped down and climbed onto the bed before holding out a rubber band for me. It had become a bit of a bedtime ritual for us, me pulling his hair back into the little bun he liked to wear, which seemed to be getting bigger and bigger all the time. I gave him a kiss on the temple as I sat behind him and smoothed his hair back, tying the band once I was satisfied with my work.

"Thank you Zayn."

"Anytime love."

"No, I mean thank you for everything. For always being there for me," he said quietly, staring down at his hands.

I turned his body around so that we were facing each other on the big bed, placing my hands on his cheeks so that he was forced to look at me. "I'll always be there for you baby. That's what people who love each other do. They stick by each other and they take care of each other. And I love you Harry. So, so much."

"I love you too, but...we're gonna be in so much trouble," he moaned, his mood becoming more and more somber by the minute. "People are probably saying awful things about us, and Nancy and Simon are probably-"

"You know what I hate?" I interrupted him.

He huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest and stuck out his lower lip in an adorable little pout. "Sunshine? Kittens? Bottoming?"

"Haha, very funny. No, I hate it when drunk Harry becomes sad Harry. Yeah, we're probably gonna get a bunch of shit, but you just let me worry about that, okay? I'll sort it out babe."

"Whatever you say," he grumbled as he clumsily climbed under the covers before holding his arms out to me, his lips twitching as he tried to hold back a smile. "Cuddle?"

I smirked as I pulled my shirt off, lying down on the bed and snuggling up to him. I rested my head over his heart, enjoying the warmth of his skin, and a few minutes later the steady rise and fall of his chest let me know that he was asleep. I got up as stealthily as I could, not wanting to disturb him, and pulled the covers up over his stomach.

Next I grabbed my phone from my bag before heading downstairs. Harry had always been more sensitive to criticism than I had, and though he had grown more confident over the last few months I was worried about the effect that an onslaught of hate about our relationship might have on him. I had been trying to think of what I could do to make things easier for him during this coming out process, and though I hadn't come up with any genius plans that would magically make everyone accept us, I hoped that I could at least prove to him that we were in this together, no matter what.

I'd stayed far away from all social media sites since our kiss onstage, but I knew that I had to see what was being said about us sometime, and I wanted to know what we were dealing with before Harry did. I reluctantly turned my phone on and logged onto Twitter, holding my breath as I began to scroll through what people were posting about us.

The most recent tweets seemed to be divided into three categories: people supporting us and praising us for coming out, people who thought that our relationship was sick and evil, and girls claiming that they could 'turn us straight' through a variety of sexual acts. I had been reviled countless times, condemned by the masses because of everything from my religion to my race to my bad boy image, and though it wasn't something that I would ever be able to get used to, I had accepted that it was a necessary evil that went along with my job. But that didn't stop the words of hate that I was reading now - words like  _faggot_ ,  _homo_ , and  _queer_ ; words that I had never called anyone and had never thought to use to describe myself - from hitting me like a punch in the gut.

I closed the page as the sheer number of negative responses and the depth of some people's hatred of my love for Harry began to overwhelm me, making me feel sick to my stomach. I didn't understand why people were so obsessed with our relationship, which was only between the two of us and had nothing to do with anyone else. I couldn't explain it, but I would do anything I could to limit Harry's exposure to it.

I quickly shot off a text to Siobhan, who had access to all of our social media accounts through Modest, asking her to clean up Harry's accounts, deleting what she could and blocking the worst offenders. Once that was done I looked through the pictures that Harry and I had taken on holiday, searching for the perfect one to use as my new profile picture. There were so many great ones to choose from, and I noticed several that I couldn't wait to print out and frame. I chuckled, realizing that I was well on my way to plastering every inch of our walls with our love-struck faces.

I settled on a picture of the two of us on the beach. In it our heads were tilted together, our hair was wild, Harry's nose was peeling and we were squinting in the bright sunlight, but all I could see was how blindingly happy we looked, our smiles taking up our whole faces. It was one of the last pictures we'd taken on the trip, and I could perfectly remember how loud the waves behind us had sounded, how hot the sun had been on my face and how strong his arms had felt where they were wrapped around my waist. How completely in love with Harry I'd felt in that moment.

I cropped the photo so that it only showed our faces and made it my new profile picture on Twitter and Instagram. We were public figures, but that didn't mean that the world needed to see how tightly he was holding me. Nor did they need to know how quickly the camera was forgotten after the picture was taken, as Harry's hand slipped into my trunks and we began to kiss until our knees were so weak that we'd collapsed onto the ground, getting sand in places that sand really didn't belong. Though there was no denying that we were in the public eye, there were still things about our relationship that I wanted to keep private. But Harry had taken the first step in declaring us a couple to the world, and I wanted to take the next one. Plus I hoped that this might bring some more positive support our way.

My last task of the night was to text Nancy. She had left several messages stating that she needed to meet with us right away, and honestly I just wanted to get it over with. She'd suggested that she come to our house for the meeting, but that felt like it would be hiding, and as much as the idea of facing the paparazzi made my stomach clench, I didn't want to hide anymore. My hands shook as I texted her to let her know that Harry and I would meet her in her office the next day, but I knew that we needed to face our opponents head on.

I climbed back into bed and cuddled up to Harry, sliding my arm around his waist to pull him even closer as I buried my nose in his neck and breathed him in. He smelled like home, like safety and security and everything good in my life. I found myself wishing that there was more that I could do; that there was some way that I could shield Harry from all the hate that was coming our way. I wished that I could protect him from the world, but I knew that that wasn't possible. I just hoped that he'd be okay, and that he'd still think that I was worth it.


	69. Chapter 69

                                                                                     

"Zayn. Wake up baby," Harry whispered, his breath against my neck and his fingers at my side making me squirm.

"No," I mumbled, shrugging away from him and burrowing myself further underneath the covers.

"Come on sleepyhead. It's almost noon, and you know how bored I get without you to entertain me," he said. I didn't need to open my eyes to know that he was pouting. 

I rolled onto my back to face him with a huff, knowing that getting back to sleep would be an impossible task when he was in one of these moods. "You really couldn't survive without me, could you?" I asked with a smile. 

"Duh," he replied as he pulled me closer so that he could rest his head against my chest. "I would have thought you would have figured that out by now. Here I was thinking that you're more than just a pretty face...guess I was wrong," he teased, his fingers dancing along my happy trail.

I tran my hands up and down his back as I tried to figure out how to word what I needed to say. "I know you love me Haz, and you know how much you mean to me. Your happiness matters to me more than anything, including my own. That's why I have to give you one last chance to back out," I told him. I could feel him tense in my arms, so I quickly continued on, needing to get this out. "It's just that a bunch of shit's about to hit the fan, and if you're not sure about all this then we can say we were just kidding or something. That's not what I want, at all, but I also don't want to see you hurt. I'd do it if it would make you happy. I want to see you happy more than I want anything for myself."

"Zayn,  _you_  make me happy. I'm happier with you than I could ever be without you. Why do you do this? Why do you always question what I feel for you?" he asked as he sat up so that he could look at me. I sat up as well, reaching out to take his hands in mine.

"I know you love me baby. I don't always know why, but I know that you do. I feel it, right here," I said, bringing both our hands up and holding them against my heart. "I just don't ever want to be the cause of pain for you, you know?"

"Dammit Zayn. I know you don't want to see me hurt, but the crap we're going to get from a bunch of strangers is nothing compared to the pain I'd feel if we weren't together anymore. Truly Zayn, you need to realize that I'd do anything to be with you. We belong together."

I smiled as I cupped my hand around the back of his neck, pulling him forward so that I could kiss him. He looked contemplative when we pulled apart, his fingers idly playing with his lower lip.

"I never told you this, but I used to have this dream all the time; a recurring nightmare really," he said quietly, looking down at our fingers where they were interlaced on my lap. "In it you'd get hurt, different ways each time, always when we were on tour, and we'd have to call an ambulance for you. I'd be so scared while we waiting for help, holding your hand and fussing over you while you ignored your pain and tried to call me down, but each time the ambulance arrived I wasn't allowed to go with you. Instead I had to stay behind while Perrie climbed in the back with you. It was awful, having to stand there while you were taken away from me, not knowing if I'd see you ever again. I never want to have that happen for real. I couldn't stand it. I want to be the one by your side, through the good  _and_  the bad. So you don't ever need to ask me if I want out again. I love you Zayn, and I want it all with you. Not just the cuddles and the kisses but the arguments and the drama too. You're worth any crap we might get. Plus, I'm not some delicate little flower that's going to crumble at the first sign of criticism."

"I know you're not babe; I just wanna take care of you."

"And I love it when you do, but it doesn't all have to be on your shoulders. We can take care of each other, okay?" He was staring at me intently, and talking even more slowly than usual, taking his time to choose each word. It felt like we were talking about a lot more than facing the fallout from coming out. It felt like we were talking about forever. And I liked the idea of us taking care of each other forever.

"Say it again, but slower," I demanded, a smile spreading across my face.

"Which part?" he asked with a laugh.

"All of it."

"All of it? You're a greedy little bastard, aren't you?" he shouted, pushing me back and jumping on top of me. "I just love you, okay?"

"Okay," I answered shyly.

"Good. Now that that's out of the way, can we talk about something important?" he asked as he picked up his phone and unlocked it. "Did you put this picture online?"

I laughed at the huge grin on his face as he waved his phone in my face. "Guilty. Is that alright?"

"Alright? It's awesome. This is the kind of thing that we've been wanting to be able to do for ages.  _Real couple stuff_. Next thing you know we'll be wearing matching jumpers and moving to the suburbs."

"We'll have to buy a mini van. Maybe get a dog," I added.

"I like this plan," he said with a smile as he leaned down to kiss me, cutting off all conversation for a while.

***

I must have dozed off again, because the next thing I knew I was waking up, roused by the feeling of something tickling my arm. "What are you doing?" I asked, opening my eyes to see him writing on my arm.

"Oh good, you're up. We need to leave soon, but I'm just leaving you a little note. Something I want you to keep in mind during the meeting," he said as he finished up and released my arm. I held it up in front of my face, eager to see what he had written.

_The greatest gift u can give someone is the space 2 b himself w/out the threat of u leaving_

"Don't forget that when we're in there, kay? You're the only person who knows the real me, and I know that you love me just the way I am. And you know that I love you just the way you are. So no matter what they say, or what anyone else thinks about us, we're going to get through it together. They don't know the real us, so what they think shouldn't really matter."

"You're absolutely right babe. I love this," I told him, running my finger along the quote as I hopped out of bed and headed to the closet. I dressed quickly, pulling on some black jeans and boots before opening the package that had arrived for me. I'd emailed Harry's mum asking her to send me it while we were on holiday. It was the one and only time that I had broken our no internet rule, but I'd wanted it to be waiting for me when we got back to London.

I slid the shirt over my head, adding a black leather jacket and taking a deep breath as I walked into the bedroom. I smiled nervously at Harry, doing a little twirl and holding my coat open so that he could get the full effect. I knew that this was a total cheeseball move, but I was willing to do anything to take the media's negative glare off of Harry. Plus, he had taken the bold move of kissing me in public, and I wanted him to know that I was just as willing to tell the world about our love.

"In for a penny, in for a pound, right?" I said as I came to stand before him.

"Are you serious?" he asked, his cheeks turning pink as he ran a hand along the words printed on my shirt.  _We Think Harry Has The X Factor_.

"Well, it's true. I do think you have the X factor. And can you really blame me for wanting to brag about my boyfriend?"

"Wow. You are a much bigger sap than I ever gave you credit for."

"Is it okay?"

"I love it. And I love you too. Even if you are a giant dork."

"I'm your dork," I told him, repeating the words that he had said to me so many times before as I grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards me. "Now give your dorky boyfriend a kiss."

_***_

"Are you okay? You're so quiet," Harry whispered, a concerned expression on his face. We were sitting in Modest's waiting room, our meeting with Nancy only minutes away.

I grimaced in response, as I was dreading what lied ahead. "This shirt seemed like a better idea in the safety of our own home. I get the feeling that Nancy's not very sentimental," I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, you look  _really_  nervous. I think I can help you with that." He stood up with a sexy smile, pulling me along with him as he headed to the loo.

"What are we doing in here?" I asked him as he locked the door to the disabled toilet behind us. "Do you wanna smoke or something?"

"Oh, I'm about to smoke something," he said, dropping to his knees and starting to unbuckle my belt.

"Harry, what the-" my words we cut off as he abruptly took me into his mouth. I didn't even have a semi; my brain not having had time to register what was about to happen. "Oh fuck, that feels good."

He licked a stripe along the vein on the underside of my cock and then began to lap me up and down as he watched me grow, not stopping until I was fully hard. He moved to swirl his tongue around my tip, coaxing a drop of precome out in no time. He wrapped his perfect lips around me to drink it up, before pulling off of me with a pop. 

"Fuck my mouth," he ordered, moving his hands to unbutton his own jeans. I watched him pull out his dick, already hard and shiny, as I moved my hands to his hair. His mouth was open and ready, his hand already at work on his own cock, and I rubbed my tip along his lips, enjoying the way he moved his head, eager to have me inside of him.

My cock throbbed in anticipation of the wet warmth of his mouth, knowing how good it would feel to have him to suck me off. I finally stopped teasing him, needing relief. I pushed inside more gently than I would have liked, not wanting to hurt him. He apparently wanted it rougher too, since he moved his free hand to my ass to pull me closer. I obeyed, and was rewarded with the feeling of his throat pulsing around me as I bottomed out.

I pumped in and out of him as fast as I could, snapping my hips and hitting the back of his throat with each thrust. Fuck, I loved making him gag. Loved making him moan around me as his eyes watered. Loved knowing that wanted all of me; that he was willing to take whatever I wanted to give him to make me happy.

"Fuck, you're such a good boy Haz. You love it when Daddy fucks your mouth, don't you?" I grunted, pulling on his hair as I felt the pressure start to build in my stomach. I looked down to see his pace quicken on his cock as he squeezed my ass again. Nothing turned Harry on more than a little dirty talk, and there was nothing I liked better than turning him on.

"Yeah, you fucking love it; I can tell. Love being Daddy's little slut. Love sucking me off in a loo like a little whore."

My words were enough to push him over the edge. He started to spill, long spurts of hot white come shooting out of him and landing on the floor and my jeans. I held his head in place as I pushed in as far as I could, coming down his throat hard enough to make my whole body jerk. 

"Fuck. That felt so fucking good," I told him as I pushed him away from me, sensitive to the point of pain from coming so hard. "Just what needed."

"Me too," he agreed as he looked up at me, still on his knees. I helped him to his feet, tucking him back in his pants and buttoning them before he did the same to me. "I told you we'd take care of each other."

"Mmmm, I should listen to you more often," I murmured with a smile, interlocking his fingers with my own as we headed back to the lobby.

The door to Nancy's office was open as we approached it, a clear sign that she was waiting for us. A quick glance at my watch told me that we were quite late for the meeting, but I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck about anything other than the man who stood next to me. The man that I knew would be by my side no matter what this bitch or anyone else had to say about it.


	70. Chapter 70

                                                                                     

Harry, cheeky motherfucker that he was, smirked at Nancy as we walked into her office.

"What's up Nancy?" he asked, wiping his mouth off with his thumb. That, combined with the disheveled state if his clothes, his flushed cheeks and messy hair, made it was pretty fucking clear what we'd just been up to.  _Good_.

Harry's voice was wrecked, and while a small part of me felt bad that I was responsible, a bigger part of me was proud that I was the one that had done that to him. He didn't seem bothered by it, or anything else for that matter, as he settled into one of the chairs in front of Nancy's desk and crossed his legs, never letting go of my hand.

She looked us up and down for a moment before speaking. The tension became thicker as the silence stretched on, but I looked back over at Harry, reminding myself that what she had to say wasn't going to change anything, not really.

"Please tell me you didn't get papped in that shirt Zayn," were the first words out of her mouth.

"No, we came in through the car park, so no one saw us. But we'll be leaving through the front door. We can't hide forever," I told her, never taking my eyes off of Harry.

"I really don't think that's a good idea...," she stated, sounding more weary than she normally did.

Harry was the one to answer her this time. "Last I checked you're our  _business_  manager, so we'll do what you say when it comes to promoting the album and whatnot, but you don't get to have a say in our personal lives anymore."

I heard her sigh and I turned to look at her,  _really_  look at her, for the first time...maybe ever. She looked exhausted, deep lines etched around her eyes that I'd never noticed before. I felt a sudden pang of sympathy for her. She'd probably been dreading this meeting as much as we had been, and I doubted she liked having to deal with the love lives of two guys who weren't even half her age. But I was still bothered by the fact that something so personal was being discussed and dissected behind our backs by people whose only concern should be the band. I understood why it was an issue for them, but that didn't make it right.

"Nancy, I'm sure that you don't like dealing with this anymore than we do, so can I suggest something? How 'bout we treat this just like we would if one of us was dating a girl? Maybe if we act like it's no big deal, then everyone else will too. When it comes down to it it's just two people falling in love. You didn't tell make me hold a press conference when I started dating Perrie, and nothing official was ever said about Harry 'dating' Taylor either. People just got their info from the pictures they saw, or what we posted online. Should this really be any different just because we're both blokes?"

"While I agree that it shouldn't be any different, it's incredibly naive to think that it will play out that way. So far there's been a mixed response, and granted a lot of it has been positive, but I think if we handle this in the right way then we could capture a new fan base, to make up for the ones we've lost."

"Listen, of course we don't want to do anything to hurt the band, but I also refuse to use our personal,  _private_  relationship as a marketing tool. We understood the risks of coming out as a couple, and I'm pretty sure the rest of the boys did too, so can we at least try it our way? No special interviews, no press releases, just Harry and I trying to live our lives like we normally would? I know that it will be crazy for a while, but that can't last forever, right?"

"I think I've learned that you boys are going to do what you want to do no matter what I suggest," she said, sounding deeply resigned to this fact. "Let's try it your way for a week or two and we'll regroup before we have to start publicity for the new album. Just please, keep it PG in the papers and online. You still have a lot of young fans, with a lot of conservative parents."

"Well, I guess we'll have to cancel that public orgy we were planning," Harry deadpanned. He sounded annoyed, but I felt like we were walking out with a victory. It wasn't perfect, but at least Modest seemed to be realizing that they couldn't order us around like they'd been able to a few years ago.

"I think we can manage that," I told her as we stood to leave.

"And I guess you haven't changed your mind on solving the question of paternity on Jade's baby?"

"No," Harry said, quite firmly. "We may not ever find out. It doesn't matter to us. We're both her fathers." I squeezed his hand as he spoke. He was so fucking sexy when he got all protective of our family.

Nancy held her hands up in surrender, wisely deciding to save that battle for another day. I walked out of the office with a bounce in my step, though I did feel a weight start to settle in my chest as we approached the front door. I knew that there would be at least a few photographers outside, and the fact that this would be the first time that Harry and I had been photographed together since the kiss made me a little nervous.

We paused before we were in their eye line, and I took a moment to fix my hair and straighten my shirt, while Harry laughed under his breath at me. "Hey, is it so bad that I wanna look good in my first public pictures with my boyfriend?"

He must have agreed, because he quickly pulled his hair back into a bun. I handed him a rubber band that I'd gotten in the habit of keeping on my wrist for him, since he always seemed to be losing his, and he smiled at me as he tied his hair back.

"You ready for this?" he asked me.

I took a deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be. I love you Harry."

"I love you too," he said, holding out his hand for me to hold. We made our way to the exit together, flashbulbs blinding us and questions shouted at us as soon as we stepped out the door. I tried to block it all out as we made our way to the waiting car, focusing instead of how strong and  _right_  Harry's hand felt in my own, but I was overwhelmed by the sheet number of paparazzi. We'd been in much bigger crowds of them before, of course, but I'd never seen even a quarter of this many at Modest.

I helped Harry into the car, my hands on his hips to help boost him up, and once we were safely inside he pulled me into a big hug.

"We did it. No going back now."

"I guess I'm stuck with you then," I said, trying to sound sad but cracking up as he tried tickle me into submission. "Alright, alright. No going back," I agreed, distracting him with a kiss.

***

"Sounds good babe...We'll see you then...Harry sends his love...Bye!" I said, finishing up my phone call with Jade as I walked back into the bedroom to find Harry sprawled out on the duvet. "Good news. Jade's coming over to help us with the nursery next week."

" _Is_  that good news though?" Harry asked with a pout.

I rolled my eyes as I ran my hand through my hair. "You two have got to get over this. We're having a baby, and I'm not going to be able to run interference forever."

"It's just that I swear every single member of Little Mix is in love with you. You are never hanging out with Jesy and Leigh Anne. Ever. I can't handle another one of your groupies."

"You're delusional Haz. Jade isn't in love with me, and even if she was it wouldn't affect the way I feel about you. You have nothing to worry about baby," I told him as I pulled him to his feet, pushing him against the wall and placing my hands on his hips. "You being worried about Jade taking me away from you is just plain crazy. It's like the sun being jealous of a nightlight. Got it?"

"I guess," he said, his pout still firmly in place. I tried to kiss it away, peppering smooches from the side of his mouth down to his jaw. "Alright, I guess I believe you," he conceded as I made my way down his neck. I pulled back to see him smiling at me, one eyebrow raised. I could tell that he knew that I was telling the truth, in fact I was guessing that he hadn't really been worried about Jade in the first place. No, he obviously just wanted to play, and fuck if I wasn't up for a little game.

"Which isn't to say that she's not hot, cause she totally is. And I think we both remember the skills that she brought to the bedroom," I told him, running my hands up and down his sides and keeping my tone light as I tried not to laugh when he began to glower.

Suddenly I wasn't holding him against the wall but was the one being pushed against it, my back smacking into the door frame as he gripped my shoulders. Anger shadowed his features, his mouth set in a firm line, but I could see the glint in his eye that told me that he knew exactly what I was up to.

"Oh yeah? Is that how you really feel?" he asked, earning a shrug from me. "You're gonna pay for that."

"Not if you can't catch me," I smirked, pushing him away from me and bolting into the hallway. I ran into the first room I came to, and found myself standing in the middle of my art room. The space was almost completely empty, save for a cabinet filled with supplies and few easels pushed up against the far wall. Harry walked through the door a few seconds behind me, a wicked smile on his face as he made his way towards me.

"Well, you found me. What are you gonna do with me?" I asked, eager to get to the good stuff, my cock already twitching in my jeans.

"I'm gonna make you forget all about her."

"And how do you think you'll manage that? That night was pretty unforgettable," I taunted, raising my eyebrows at him. Harry's nostrils flared as he grabbed my wrist and spun me around, walking us forward and pushing my front into the wall roughly before pressing his body against mine.

"Well then, I guess I'll just have to fuck you so hard that you can't even remember your own name, let alone hers," he growled, pushing his hips forward so that I could feel how hard he was.

"Promise?"

"Oh, I fucking promise alright," he said as he reached around me to undo my jeans and pull them harshly down my legs. I kicked them off the rest of the way before pulling my shirt off, wanting to feel his hands on my bare skin. Wanting to feel him everywhere. I was hard as a rock just thinking about it.

He stepped back so that I could turn around to face him. He scanned my entire body, licking his lips as his gaze lingered on my black boxer briefs, which were barely containing my hard on.

"Well, now you're just too bare. We should add some color," he said, turning on his heel and walking over to the supply cabinet. He was back in front of me a moment later, two bottles of paint in his hands. He set one of them on the floor and flicked the cap open on the other, a bright red.

"Harry, that's not a good idea. It's not meant to get on skin," I warned him.

"Oh, you mean like this?" he asked, squirting a long stripe across my chest. My mouth dropped open in shock as he reached his other hand up to spread the cold paint down my abs. "So, I guess I really shouldn't be rubbing it in like this, huh?"

"You little fucker," I said, reaching down to pick up the purple paint that he'd carried over. I looked at the label as I opened it and was relieved to see that it was body paint. I chuckled, knowing that my pervy boyfriend must have purchased it for this very purpose. A second later he was sporting a giant purple blob on his chest. I squirted some into my palm next, wanting to get my hands on him. He did the same, and soon we were rolling around on the floor, marking each other wherever we could.

Sex was forgotten for the moment, both of us too busy laughing and too concerned with painting each other for anything else. His body shook with glee as I straddled him and put a purple palm print on his face, making his green eyes sparkle even more than normal. Once again I felt my love for him grow. I was surprised each time I realized how lucky I was to have him. To have someone that could not only make me laugh harder and more freely than I ever had before, but who could make me feel things that I'd never imagined. Someone who I could tease and fuck and love, all at once. Cause goddamn if this wasn't the best feeling in the world.

"I love you Harry."

He flipped us over and pinned me to the ground, holding my arms above my head, and I groaned at the feeling of his full weight on top of me. "Don't try to sweet talk me now. I'm gonna fuck you so hard you're not gonna be able to walk tomorrow."

His lips were on me a second later, and just like that, I was aching for him. I felt myself get hard again as he rolled his hips against mine. I did my best to match his pace, spreading my knees and rutting up against him as much as I could. I whimpered as he pushed away from me and stood up, reaching out to try to pull him back down. I stopped struggling as I saw him take some lube out of his pocket before pushing his jeans down and stepping out of them.

He knelt down in front of me as soon as he was naked, biting his lip as he slid my boxers off. My cock bounced up against my stomach, and I had to stop myself from wrapping a hand around it, desperate to relieve the fire pooling in my belly. But there was nothing else for me to grab a hold of, so I balled my hands into fists as I watched Harry slick his fingers up.

His rough facade faltered for a moment as he kissed the inside of my thigh and gently began to push one finger into me. He moved it in and out slowly, not wanting to hurt me.

"More?" he asked, letting me set the pace.

"More," I agreed, my eyes squeezing shut as I felt myself start to stretch when he began to scissor his fingers. I tried to steady my breathing, knowing that it would upset him to see me in pain, but then he curled his fingers inside of me and the pain was immediately replaced with pleasure.

"More. More now," I gasped, and he quickly complied, pulling his fingers out before sliding three into me, making sure to angle them the same way. "Fuck fuck fuck," I moaned as I began to fuck myself down on his fingers.

"Are you ready for me baby? Don't think I can wait much longer," he said, already stroking his cock with his free hand.

"Yeah...need you too," I told him, and a second later he was crawling up my body, one hand on the floor by my head holding him up as he lined himself up with the other. He pushed in slowly, so fucking slowly, but the pain still took my breath away. Harry was a big fucking boy, and I felt like I was being ripped apart as he tried to make himself fit.

"Fuck, you're almost as tight as my skinny jeans," he moaned, causing me to laugh out. The move relaxed my muscles a bit, and he was able to sink further into me. It felt a bit better once he bottomed out, and as he pulled out and pushed back in it started to feel almost good.

"Wanna try something," he said as he leaned down to give me a sloppy kiss. The next thing I knew he was wrapping my arms around his neck, putting both of his hands under my thighs and lifting me up. He carried me carefully, never pulling out, but once my back was against the wall he began to thrust again. My legs were wrapped around his hips, his hands cupping my ass, and the new angle was just right, making me long for more.

"Harder," I groaned. I knew that I would be hurting tomorrow, but any amount of pain would be worth how fucking good I felt at that moment. I swear I saw stars as he pounded my sweet spot again and again, until my entire body was shaking. I bit my lip to hold in my moans, so hard that I could taste blood, before Harry swiped his thumb over my lower lip, forcing me to release it.

"I wanna hear you. Tell me how good it feels."

I tossed my head back and let the sensations take me over, moans and words of devotion tumbling from my mouth.

"It's perfect. Feels so fucking good Harry."

"Yeah? You like it when I fuck you, don't you? Wanna come on my dick?"

His words made my head spin as I felt a light layer of sweat coat my skin. "Gonna come so fucking hard."

I moved a hand to his hair as I closed my eyes, feeling my toes curl and my spine tingle as I shamelessly used the wall for leverage to bounce up and down harder on his length. He was fucking me so hard and so fast and it was all so fucking perfect as I felt the pressure build and build until it boiled over and I exploded. My eyes rolled back in my head as my brain went fuzzy, not able to feel anything but the pleasure coursing through me as I came, as hard as I ever could remember, coating my abs and chest, the red and purple paint mixing with white.

Harry came too, unable to hold back as I clenched around him, moaning my name into my neck as his hips finally stilled. He pulled out and sat us both down on the ground, my arms and legs still wrapped around him.

"I'm starting to see what all the fuss is about," I panted, resting my head against his shoulder.

"I knew you'd come around. It's a testament to my skills."

I found myself rolling my eyes as I sat up to look at him. "I love you Harry. Only you."

"Another testament to my skills," he teased before giving me a sweet kiss. "I love you too Zee. It's always gonna be only you."


	71. Chapter 71

                                                                                    

I'd been proud of myself for coming up with the idea to throw a Halloween party, already missing the boys and knowing that Harry needed a chance to be sociable without having to deal with the media following us everywhere, but now, with the drinks going down easy and my eyes locked on the love of my life, I realized that it was the best idea I'd ever had.

My head was fuzzy and my body felt heavy, but my heart was light as I stared at Harry, dancing up a storm and looking fucking delectable in his costume. We were surrounded by all our closest friends, and my heart was filled near to bursting with love for every single one of them.

I was just as drunk as I'd been the first time I'd watched him dancing like this, all those months ago, but this time felt incredibly different. Now I didn't just have the dream of what we could be, but the reality of it, which was infinitely more satisfying. Now he didn't just star in my fantasies but also in my heart and my mind and my life. And best of all, now there was nothing to stop me from walking up behind him, sliding my hands around his hips and dancing right along with him.

I wondered briefly what we looked like to an outsider as I ran my hand along the waistband of his pants, squeezing him tighter as the heat of his bare skin made my fingertips tingle. Probably something like the bastard love child of Walt Disney and Neil Patrick Harris, what with Harry's open collar and tattoos making his Prince Charming costume look far sexier than it had a right to and me decked out in full Aladdin gear, because come on, let's be real here - poor boy with great hair falls in love with a princess and sees all his wildest dreams come true - this was the role I was born to play. 

I moved my hand to his stomach so that I could hold him tighter, our hips swaying together perfectly. That is, until Harry began to move against me instead of with me, causing a friction that made my head even fuzzier as all my blood rushed to my dick. Despite the cool temperature he had a light sheen of sweat covering his body, one that made me want to lick every inch of him. I couldn't keep my mouth from connecting with his neck, which was quickly angled so that I could give it the attention it deserved. I couldn't get enough of him, and I didn't think that I ever would.

I placed gentle, chaste kisses along the nape of his neck as we moved to the beat, not trusting myself to do more than that. But then I felt Harry's hands wrap around my back, pulling me even closer, and I couldn't resist opening my mouth. Just one taste, that was all I needed. At least that was what I told myself as I ran my tongue along the side of his neck, not stopping until my teeth were nibbling on his earlobe.

My brain knew that we should be good hosts, that we should mingle with the guests and make sure that they had everything they needed, but I was having trouble convincing my body of that. Harry wasn't helping matters, not with the way he was grinding back against me, the little moans escaping his mouth reverberating against my chest and making me press into him harder.

And then he moved an arm behind my head, pulling lightly on my hair, and the few inhibitions I had left disappeared. "I need you. I need you right fucking now," I whispered, pushing my hips forward to emphasize just how badly I wanted him.

He didn't hesitate, our guests long forgotten as he started for the stairs. I kept my body flush with his as we walked, knowing that my harem pants would leave little to the imagination. My hands trailed up and down his sides as we made our way upstairs as quickly as we could in our inebriated state. I thought he was leading us to our bedroom but he pulled me into the first door we came to instead, a guest room. I didn't give a fuck where we ended up, as long as we had some privacy. Hell, if he kept pushing his ass back against me I wouldn't even care about that for much longer.

My clothes were off in seconds, but his costume was much more intricate, so I sat down in an armchair and wrapped a hand around my cock as I watched him undress. We could still hear the music from downstairs, practically able to feel it vibrating from below us, and he swayed his hips to the beat as he unbuttoned his shirt. I bit my lip as I stroked myself faster, turned on beyond belief by the man in front of me.

He was straining against his pants in the most delicious way, and I couldn't believe that he was mine, that this actual Prince Charming come to life wanted to be with me. My mind flitted back to the past few weeks and how quickly our lives had changed as he removed the last of his clothes and strutted towards me.  

I had been a little...not worried exactly, but more afraid to get my hopes up about how much of our relationship Harry would be willing to share with our fans. I needn't have been concerned. He dove right in, posting pictures of us on his Instagram, tweeting me sweet things for the world to see, and even changing his relationship status on bloody Facebook.

**harrystyles** :  _Babe decided to use me as his canvas. How do you think @niazkilam did?_

**@Harry_Styles** :  _Got a bit sunburned on holiday. I blame @zaynmalik1D - he's just too hot pic.twitter.com/BW1C88xyL4_

The first picture he'd posted of us was one we took right after our little adventure in the art room. We were covered in paint, our hair was destroyed and we were both complete messes, but I loved it anyway, because we looked so loved up. So in love. And honestly, it felt fucking amazing to show that off a bit, after having to hide it for so long. So to see him call me  _babe_  online, and to know that he wasn't afraid to tell everyone that we'd been on holiday together - that we were a real couple - filled me with joy. It made everything seem even more real, now that we could be a couple in every sense of the word.

But it still wasn't enough for me. I guess I was a greedy bastard, because I wanted even more. I'd gotten used to holding a part of myself back over the years, but something about this was different. I wanted to wave our  _Always_  and  _Forever_  tattoos in the paparazzi's faces. I wanted everyone to see the date tattoos that we'd gotten and to know the significance of them. I wanted to flaunt our love to the world; to show them that Harry was mine and only mine, and that no one had ever loved anyone as much as I loved him. I knew it was ridiculous, that it would be better to keep these things between just the two of us, but it was hard for me to contain my feelings when it came to Harry. The seal had been broken and now everything was threatening to pour out of me. Especially since we were doing it in our own way, without a team of advisers dictating our every move.

Harry had taken the criticism we'd received in stride, basically ignoring it all, and I cursed myself for not having had more faith in him. He was stronger than I gave him credit for; no longer the young boy who would search out negative comments so that he could confirm his worst suspicions about himself. We had both grown up a lot over the past year, realizing what mattered and what didn't. And what mattered was our family, our friends, and each other. Everything else could disappear and we'd survive, as long as we had each other.

We'd settled into domestic life as easily as we did everything else together. This was by far the longest break we'd had since we'd started dating, and I loved that we were finally in one place long enough for our house to start to feel like a home; our home. It was comforting to walk into the foyer and smell remnants of Harry's cologne, even when he wasn't there, and I loved waking up to the leftover scent of the vanilla candles we burned every night before bed. Harry was and would always be my true home, but it was still nice to have a place all to ourselves; a place where we truly belonged.

I'd discovered that picking up after Harry; putting his used dishes in the dishwasher and his dirty clothes in the hamper and rinsing his toothpaste out of the sink really bothered me, but not in the way that I'd expected. He'd always been a bit of a slob compared to me, dropping clothes where he stood and not bothering to line his shoes up when he kicked them off, but it'd been easy to ignore on the road, where everything was always a mess on the bus and where maids cleaned every day in hotels. But here, in our home, signs of where he'd been were everywhere. I could tell what room he'd been in when he first got home by where I'd find his jacket, puddled on the floor. I could tell what mood he'd been in by the channel he'd chosen on the telly, which he never turned back off, or by what music he'd been listening to since he never put the record away in the right place. And I loved it. I loved all of it. I loved seeing him in a particular shirt and knowing that I was the one who'd washed it. I loved the way straightening up after him made me feel domestic and loving and grownup.

Everything felt fresh and new and the only thing that bothered me was the worry that one day it wouldn't feel fresh and new anymore, that picking up after him would become a chore, a petty annoyance that I'd complain about every time we fought. Because while I may not have had a lot of relationship experience, I did know what it was like to live with someone...four someones really. I knew that what I thought was adorable right now - like the way Harry said 'lawl' instead of 'L-O-L' when he read text messages out loud, and that he was always so cheerful in the mornings, when I didn't even want to be awake much less smile - could easily become things that annoyed me about him.

But overall, these last few weeks had been some of the best of my life. A feeling that was only reinforced as Harry sat back on the bed and spread his legs, giving me the perfect view of his hard length and his pretty pink hole. I wanted him so badly, but I couldn't tear my hand away from my cock, and I knew that I wasn't going to last long if I made it inside him. So I stayed where I was, my hips bucking up into my hand as I swiped my thumb across my tip to spread the moisture there.

Harry kept his eyes on me as he brought two fingers to his mouth, sucking on them seductively as he began to pump his cock with his other hand. He looked so fucking good, and when he brought his fingers down to his entrance I was gone. I came as I watched him fuck himself, my eyes unable to get enough of the obscene sight in front of me.

As soon as I could feel my legs again I stood and moved towards the bed, drawn by Harry's pants and moans as he tried to reach that spot inside of him. My fingers were slick with my come, so I pushed his hand out of the way and replaced it with my own, pushing into his tight heat and curling my fingers until he began to writhe underneath me. I brought my mouth to his dick next, swirling my tongue around is tip so that I could taste him. He begged for more, his hand gripping my hair and pushing my head down. He tasted just as good as he looked, and I was just as eager for it as he was, so I opened my mouth, taking in as much of him as I could.

I sucked as hard as I could as I moved him in and out of the mouth, wanting not only to make him come but to also make him scream my name. I could see his stomach muscles tightening as I hollowed my cheeks, and seconds later he was spilling as he tightened around my fingers and my name tumbled from his lips. I gave him a kiss as I pulled out of him, though he wasn't able to do much more than pant against my lips. He looked truly spent, so I got up and cleaned up in the loo before bringing him a wet flannel so that he could do the same.

I would have loved to climb into bed to cuddle with him, but I could hear people in the hallway and laughter drifting up the stairs, and I knew that at least one of us needed to attend to our guests.

"You stay here until you don't look like you just ran a marathon," I teased him, running a hand over his flushed cheeks and ruby red lips. "I'll go see how the party's going, yeah?"

"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes fluttering shut. I closed the door behind me as I stepped into the hallway, almost running into Jade. It hadn't taken too much convincing for Harry to invite her, though I knew that he wasn't completely over his irrational jealousy of her. I could look at her and appreciate that she was an attractive woman, but I didn't feel any more lust towards her than I might for a model on the pages of a magazine. She was beautiful, but she was no longer an object to me, someone to be attained. She was a symbol, a symbol of the love and openness that existed between Harry and me, the love and openness that had led to the creation of a child. She was glowing because she was carrying a baby, a baby that would not exist if Harry did not love me and I did not love him. I did love Jade though. I loved her because she had a kind and generous soul, and because she was the mother of our child.

"Hey babe, how are you? Are you having fun?" I asked her as I pulled her in for a hug, careful not to squeeze her too tight. She'd dressed up as Juno, and she looked absolutely adorable, somehow able to still look tiny and delicate despite her bulging belly.

"I'm okay, just feel like she's trying to kick her way out. Do you think I could lay down for a bit? My back's killing me."

"Sure, of course," I told her, leading her into my bedroom. "Do you think a massage would help?"

"God, that sounds heavenly. Are you sure you don't mind?" she asked as she sunk down onto the chaise lounge.

"No, it's fine. I'm partially to blame for you feeling like this, so it's really the least I could do." I sat down behind her, positioning her in between my legs so that I could reach her lower back. I started out gently, just barely kneading her, and she let out a contented sigh. I pushed a bit harder, wanting her to feel good, and felt her relax back against my hands. We chatted a bit, mostly about the baby, as I continued to massage her, feeling her tight muscles get looser and looser.

I was surprised when she suddenly grabbed my hand, pulling it around to the front of her stomach. She pushed my hand flush against her belly as she leaned back into me and a huge grin spread across my face as I felt the baby kick.

"I think we've got a little footballer in there," I giggled as I pressed both hands against her, hoping to feel our daughter again. 

"What the hell, Zayn?"

I froze for a second as I heard Harry's rough voice from the doorway, before remembering that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

"The baby's kicking," I said with a smile. "Come feel babe."

Harry made no move to come towards us, instead heading towards the bathroom. "Can I talk to you for a minute? Privately?" he asked, motioning insistently towards the loo. I got up as quickly as I could, shooting Jade an apologetic look before closing the door, leaving Harry and me alone.

"Seriously? Why are you two all cuddled up? In  _our_  bedroom?" he demanded. _  
_

"Don't start this again Harry. Her back hurts. It hurts because she's like nine months pregnant, with our baby, so I offered to give her a massage. I would hope that you'd do the same thing in this situation."

"So you fuck me and then leave me so that you can go give her a massage?" Someone started to knock on the door as he yelled at me, but he just raised his voice even more. "You honestly didn't think I'd be bothered by that?"

"I think you're drunk and being ridiculous," I told him as the knocking continued.

"Oh, I'm being ridic-" he was cut off as the door was pushed open. We both turned to see Jade standing there, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. "What now?" Harry snapped at her. I turned to him with wide eyes, unable to believe that he was being so rude to her. Unable to believe that we were having the same argument for what felt like the millionth time.

"Don't talk to her like-" I started, before Jade interrupted me.

"Can you two shut up for one minute?" she asked, sounding completely exasperated. "I'd really appreciate it if you could stop fighting and take me to the hospital. My water just broke."


	72. Chapter 72

                                                                                    

_"My water just broke."_

Harry was at Jade's side in an instant, his hands fluttering uselessly as he tried to figure out what exactly he was supposed to do. I stood rooted in place, unable to believe that this was actually happening. I mean, yes, theoretically I knew that we were having a baby, but the fact that she was coming right now,  _right this minute,_  was blowing my fucking mind.

I felt all of my anger and annoyance with Harry drain out of my body, replaced immediately with a nervous excitement that made me feel like my entire body was buzzing. I shook my head to try to clear it, knowing that now was not the time to freak out.

"Hospital," I blurted out. "We need to get you to the hospital. I'll um...I'll call a taxi, yeah?" I asked, searching for guidance in an unfamiliar situation.

"Oh god, does it feel like the baby's coming now? Do you need an ambulance?" Harry added, panic making his voice several octaves higher than normal.

Jade shook her head as she waddled (there was really no other word for it) back into the bedroom. "A taxi's fine. You boys might want to change though," she said, sitting down on the bed and waving her hand to indicate our costumes.

She was right. I suddenly felt absolutely ridiculous. There was no way I wanted to meet my daughter dressed as Aladdin, and Harry was wearing a fucking sword for Christ's sake. He and I both ran to the closet, shutting the door behind us as we shucked our costumes and pulled on the first clothes we could find. I ended up in one of his shirts and he ended up in one of mine, but it was no matter. Nothing mattered but getting Jade to the hospital and doing whatever it took to bring the baby safely into the world. I called for a taxi while Harry helped Jade down the stairs as her breathing became more labored. 

Our friends gathered around us as we waited for the cab, wishing us well and doing whatever they could to distract Jade from the pain and all of us from our nervousness. Liam assured me that he would lock up the house for us as we climbed into the waiting car, and with that we were off. I stared back at the house as we pulled away, realizing that when we returned we'd be doing so with our daughter.

Jade was rushed back into the delivery area as soon as we arrived. She'd texted her labor coach to come meet her, and Harry and I only saw her intermittently over the next few hours. Anxiety was my dominant emotion during that time. There was just so much to worry about. What if something happened to the baby during the delivery? What if Jade decided that she didn't want to share custody with us? What if I turned out to be a terrible father?

"What if we're not ready?" I asked Harry, my voice barely above a whisper as I finally was able to put my worries into words. We were standing in the waiting room, unable to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time despite how tired we were. I felt almost too sober, more aware than ever of how many things could go wrong and how unprepared I felt.

"We are ready," he assured me. He reached out to grasp my hand, pulling me towards him so that he could rest his forehead against mine, and I felt my heart rate calm more and more the longer he held onto me. His breath was mingling with mine, his fingers resting lightly against my hip, just firmly enough to let me know that he was there. That he would always be there. I was so glad that he was in this with me; that we were together and no longer hiding our relationship. I couldn't have stood it if I wasn't allowed to touch him, to lean on him during a time when I felt so much uncertainty. No one else could calm me down the way that he could. It had always been that way, since the moment we'd met. He was the one who was able to settle me down, as well as being the person who excited me more than anyone else, who made me find joy in the little things. I hoped that I did the same for him.

I wondered if we had always been this way; made to complement and complete each other, or if we were growing even more compatible the longer we were together. I could barely remember a time that I hadn't been in love with him, even if I'd been unable to admit it to myself, but I did know that no one else had ever affected me the way he did. I had told him that he'd brought sunshine into my life, and I meant it. It was like he was made to be mine, and I was made to be his. When I was down he cheered me up, and when he was stuck in his head I knew how to bring him out of his shell. We both had a tendency to be introverts and to focus on the negative, but it seemed that we took turns filling that role, so that neither one of us ever got too depressed. We balanced each other out perfectly, and I couldn't think of a better trait to look for in a lover.

"We're ready," he repeated, still holding me close. "We've read the baby books, the car seat's installed, the nursery's painted."

I finally smiled as I thought of the nursery. We'd put a lot of thought into how we wanted it to look, knowing that our daughter would be spending her formative years in it, and while the baby's room at Jade's was so shockingly pink that I swear my balls retreated into my body every time I saw it, we had gone for something a little different. The walls were a deep gray, not quite charcoal, but I'd done my best to brighten them by adding a dozen Chibi girls - a task that was as painstaking and backbreaking as it was above my skill level, causing me to spend almost every free second I'd had over the last few weeks perfecting them. But I loved the end result. One little girl was a princess, one a footballer, another a doctor and several were decked out as female versions of superheros. We wanted our daughter to know that she could be anything she wanted to be; that the world was hers for the taking. 

"There will never be a time that I won't love you. You know that, right?" I told him, needing him to understand what he meant to me, now more than ever. We were starting a family together, and there was no one else that I would rather have by my side.

After what seemed like days of waiting, time slowing to a crawl as we paced the hallways under the stark fluorescent lights and drank countless cups of weak tea, we were finally summoned to the delivery room to witness the birth of our daughter. Serafina Sunya Styles-Malik was born at 8:11 pm on November 1st at a healthy 7 pounds, 9 ounces, a perfect angel with ten fingers and ten toes and a little button nose and a head full of hair.

She was absolutely beautiful; prettier than I ever could have imagined, even covered in gunk and goo and screaming her lungs out. I welcomed that sound, because it meant that she was alive and healthy and  _here_. I did my best to blink my tears away as I wrapped my hand around Harry's so that we could cut the umbilical cord together. They spilled down my cheeks and I sounded a bit like I was choking as I tried to reign in my emotions, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything but our little girl. I couldn't see anything else, couldn't hear anything else, all of my attention focused completely on her. She was only minutes old, but as I held her for the first time I already couldn't imagine a world where she didn't exist.

I had thought that my heart had grown each time I fell a little bit more in love with Harry, starting when I first saw him in line at the X Factor auditions and continuing every day that we spent together, but that was nothing compared to this. My heart was now three sizes too big for my chest, bursting with love for this sweet baby. She was made from love, mine and Harry's, and I already loved her more than I could ever have imagined.

"I told you that threesome was a good idea," Harry whispered as he stood behind me, looking down at Serafina from over my shoulder. I turned my head to give him a quick kiss before looking back down at our daughter. Her skin tone was similar to Jade's, her cheeks were perfectly rounded and her hair was starting to curl as it dried. I didn't know such beauty could exist. She held up her teeny tiny hand and grasped my finger as tightly as she could. She might as well have been grasping my heart, because it already belonged to her. Her and Harry were now my everything.

I gasped as she opened her eyes for the first time, her eyelashes fluttering as she took her first glimpse of the world. Her eyes were stunning, and as familiar to me as my own. They were a bright emerald green, the same color as the eyes that I had gotten lost in so many times over the past months. The same color as her Daddy's eyes.

Harry sucked in a breath as he saw them too, before quickly wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I knew that he was trying to comfort me, in case I was upset that I wasn't Serafina's biological father, but there was no need. Knowing that she didn't share my DNA didn't make me love her any less. If anything it made me love her even more. How could I not love someone who was so much a part of him?

"Alright?" he asked me, concern flooding his features.

"Yeah," I breathed, my eyes never wavering from our daughter's face. "It doesn't matter. She feels like mine," I told him sincerely, before shaking my head. "No, that's not exactly right. She feels like ours." I finally tore my gaze away from Serafina, looking instead at Harry's face. At a face that was filled with so much love and understanding that I again felt tears prick my eyes. No one man deserved this much happiness, but here I was, surrounded by it.

"She is ours. All of ours," he said as he looked from me to Jade to the baby. He was right. We may not have been a conventional family, but I knew that our daughter was going to be loved and taken care of by all of us. Screw convention. Our little family was absolutely perfect, just the way it was.


	73. Chapter 73

                                                                                    

The ride home from the hospital was one of the most terrifying of my life. Not because Harry was driving too fast - in fact I don't think that it would have been possible for him to go any slower - but because I had never realized before just how dangerous the roads were. How dangerous  _everything_  was, from the strangers passing us on the way to the car park (who could have been criminals or perverts for all I knew) to the heavy metal of the car door (against which Serafina's chubby little fingers wouldn't stand a chance) to the huge vehicles passing us (which, if you thought about it were basically just giant weapons that could destroy anything in their path). How on earth was I supposed to be able to protect her from everything?

I sat in the back seat on the ride home, hovering over Serafina in her carseat in case she needed anything, while Jade sat on her other side and Harry drove with more care and caution than I'd ever seen him exhibit.

"What's she doing now?" he asked from the front seat. "Is she doing anything cute?"

"She's scrunching up her nose. Oh, now she's yawning. She's so adorable," I told him without looking away from Serafina's sweet little face. She  _was_  adorable. Adorable and perfect and I couldn't get enough of her. I'd say that I was surprised to find that I could watch her for hours without getting bored, but the truth was that I'd been doing the same thing to Harry for years. Something about those green eyes just captivated me, and to top it all off I could already tell that Serafina was going to have dimples, just like her Daddy, which basically meant that I would never be able to say no to either one of them. Not that I minded. I wanted to give them both the world.

"Do you know how lucky we are? To be able to buy her anything she could ever possibly want?" I asked Harry and Jade as I ran my fingers through the baby's wispy curls. "I wanna buy her every toy imaginable. Everything that I wanted as a kid but didn't want to ask me mum for since I knew we couldn't afford it. But I guess we don't want her to be too spoiled though, right? Maybe we should try to spoil her with experiences instead of stuff, yeah? But how do we decide how much is too much?" I knew that I was rambling, but as she reached out to grasp my finger I couldn't think of anything but the enormity of the task before us. "There's just so much to decide, and there's gonna be so many chances for us to screw this up. To screw her up. Like, it's on us to make sure that she's happy, and healthy, and what if we-"

"Hey," Harry said quietly, his voice laced with concern as he sensed my rising panic. "We're all in this together, and we'll figure it out together. Alright?"

"Alright," I said uncertainly, taking a deep breath and catching his eye in the rear-view mirror. He winked at me, looking as cheeky as ever, and I couldn't help but smile at him as I realized that he was right. We would figure it out together, just like we had everything else. We'd already proven that together we could do anything, and I had faith that this would be no different.

***

The next few weeks passed by in a blur of bottles and nappies and 3 am feedings, and they were some of the best of my life. Getting to know Serafina, to feel like I was becoming a real father and to witness Harry do the same, felt like a gift; one that I was grateful for every day. And believe it or not, being in a boy band was surprisingly good practice for having a newborn. We were already used to working crazy hours, to catching up on sleep whenever we could, and to doing whatever we could to make our fans (or in this case our daughter) happy. And both of us were more than willing to sacrifice our sleep and our sanity for her, be it by singing and dancing in front of her crib in the middle of the night, or by never getting more than two hours of sleep at a time to keep her fed and changed and smiling.

I had thought that I knew everything there was to know about love before, but I'd been wrong. Sure, I'd kill for my mum and my sisters, I'd die for Harry, but nothing, and I mean  _nothing_ , compared to how I felt about this little girl. She was my everything, in a different way than Harry was my everything. I didn't know that it was possible to love someone like this, without wanting or needing anything from them in return, and it scared the shit out of me. How could I survive if something happened to her? I wouldn't be able to, so I knew that I had to do everything that I could to protect her. Once again I wished for super powers, but this time I was wishing for inhuman strength, or healing abilities, or anything else that would help me keep her safe. She deserved nothing but the best, and I was going to do my damnedest to give it to her.

She seemed to capture our hearts more and more every day. She was such a happy baby that we'd nicknamed her Sunny, after her middle name, almost as soon as we got home from the hospital. I'd chosen the name Sunya, the Muslim word for brightness and sunshine, because that was how I'd always felt about Harry. He was my sun, illuminating the darkest parts of me with love and hope. And the name fit our daughter just as well. She was a little ray of sunshine when she was happy, all bright eyes and dimples. And even when she was mad and crying she still reminded us of the sun; a little ball of fire who wasn't afraid to scream her lungs out until she got what she wanted.

Jade stayed with us for a week or so, since we were all unwilling to spend any time away from the baby at first, and luckily Harry and her were getting along a lot better, too wrapped up in the baby to worry about competing for my attention. But we knew that we needed to establish a schedule, so Jade eventually went back to the flat across town, and Serafina started spending two days with her before coming back to us for two days. And I missed the baby while she was gone, I did, so much, but I also missed Harry while she was here. Yes, he was never far from my side, but we were both so focused on her that we weren't able to lavish attention on each other like we were used to. Our relationship was still fairly new, and I still found it hard to be around him without wanting to attack him with kisses and cuddles, to drown him with my love as he did the same to me, to show him that I was his and he was mine.

So it was kind of the best of both worlds, really. We were able to spend a lot of quality time with Sunny when she was with us, and then we were able to get wrapped up in each other, to forget about everything but how much we loved each other, how much we needed each other, when she was with Jade. Which isn't to say that the baby wasn't constantly on our minds. She was, and we made Jade promise to send us pictures several times a day, and honestly we hardly ever made it the full two days without breaking down and showing up at the flat for a visit. But we also wanted to take the time to nurture and care for our relationship when the opportunity presented itself.

Cause believe me, my love for Harry had only grown since the baby had entered our lives. If you'd asked me a month ago I would have said that having Harry cook breakfast for me completely naked was the sexiest thing ever, but it was nothing compared to watching him warm up a bottle while holding Serafina in his arms, singing softly to her. And seeing them both asleep on the sofa, her curled up on his chest, her hands balled into tiny fists, both of their mouths hanging open, made something inside of me ache, in the best possible way. I'd been lucky enough to witness Harry grow from goofy kid to pop star to rock god to the love of my life, and now I had a front row seat to see him in Daddy mode. And what a beautiful sight it was.

I'd always loved cuddling with him, but the feeling of love that washed over me whenever we'd lie in bed together, Serafina on top of me, her face buried in my neck, and Harry curled up next to us, his body flush with mine, holding her hand, his lips on my shoulder, blew everything else out of the water. We'd spend hours like that, our voices never rising above a whisper, laying our souls bare and murmuring sweet nothings and promises of the future to each other, as we fell into a contented sleep until the baby woke us again. To be surrounded on all sides by the people I loved most - by my family - made me feel like the luckiest man on earth.

I'd never really felt like I fit in as a kid. I was biracial, and growing up I'd felt like two different people depending on which side of the family I was spending time with. I'd always been more interested in art and drama than in sports, in a city where the coolest kids were the ones who were ace at football, so while I always had friends, I was never really one of the popular kids. Plus I was Muslim during a time when some people judged everyone against the deplorable actions of the few, despite the fact that their crimes bore no resemblance to my faith. But then the band came along and after a few bumps in the road, caused mostly by my inability to believe that I was as talented as the other lads, I'd finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Like I was where I was meant to be. But that was nothing compared to how I'd felt when I realized that Harry loved me too, and that he wanted to make a life with me just as much as I wanted to make one with him. I was meant to be with him. To love him. Just as I was meant to start a family with him. With him and our daughter I felt truly complete for the first time in my life.


	74. Chapter 74

                                                                      

I woke up in a panic, my hand searching for Harry before I even opened my eyes, my body knowing that he wasn't next to me before my mind confirmed it. It was the middle of the night, and I already couldn't remember the dream that had unsettled me, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep without Harry's arms wrapped around me.

I shivered as I kicked off the comforter and was hit by a blast of cool air, so I grabbed Harry's plaid shirt from the ground, smiling a little as I shrugged it on over my boxers, the memory of unbuttoning it for him before bed still fresh in my mind. The memory of what came after warmed me up just as much as the flannel did.

I hadn't heard Serafina cry, but I still headed to her room first, certain that Harry wouldn't have left our bed for any other reason. I paused in the doorway, leaning against the frame as I looked in on the two people I loved most in the world. Harry was shirtless, black joggers slung low on his hips, cradling a sleeping Serafina to his chest. He was swaying slightly as his mouth formed the words to what sounded like Girl Almighty. I could barely hear him over the insistent pounding of my heart as it damn near beat its way out of my chest with the realization that they were all I truly needed in my life, and that I had to do whatever it took to make sure that they were always happy and healthy and by my side.

"Why didn't you wake me?" I whispered as I made my way into the room, not stopping until my chin was resting on Harry's shoulder, my arms wrapped securely around his waist as I started to sway my hips in time with his. "It was my turn to get up with her."

"I know," he murmured, twisting his neck to give me a chaste kiss. "But you were knackered, and I never mind sneaking in an extra cuddle with Sunny."

"Well, I think I'm gonna need some snuggles from both of you to make up for it. Come back to bed with me," I said, urging him towards the door. He went willingly, and we were soon cuddled up in bed, Serafina still fast asleep as I curled up next to her with Harry behind me, his arm draped protectively over both of us. I stayed awake long after Harry's breathing became steadier and he drifted off, enjoying being surrounded by so much love, and thinking about what I could do to make this last forever.

***

My plan was set in motion just a few weeks later. I left the house as soon as I awoke, climbing out of bed and getting dressed as quietly as I could so that I didn't wake Harry up. I'd been on edge all week, and I knew that I couldn't risk seeing him today, too afraid that I would blurt everything out and ruin the surprise. I could tell that he thought that I'd been acting weird, and I knew that I should have been doing whatever I could to reassure him, but I couldn't handle his questions and concerned looks today, so I got out of there as fast as I could, sending him a text so that he wouldn't be worried.

_**ZAYN:** Morning babe. Got some stuff to do today, but be ready to go at 8 so that I can take you on a date. I love you._

I ran the few errands that I had, calming a bit when I saw that the details seemed to be falling into place, and then I found myself with the rest of the day free, which left far too many hours for me to fret. I had been tense all morning, my nerves stretched as tight as a piano wire, and the notion of spending the afternoon alone wasn't an appealing one. I knew that Harry and Serafina were the only people who would be able to calm me down, and since Harry wasn't an option in this case, I headed over to the flat.

Jade answered the door with a smile. She already knew the whole plan, as I'd needed to confide in someone whom I could trust. Niall was notorious for having a big mouth, his inability to keep a secret for longer than five minutes practically legendary, and Liam was out of the country with Sophia. I'd considered talking to Louis, but I wasn't sure how he would feel, given his past with Harry, so that left Jade. She'd been wonderful and genuinely excited about the whole thing, agreeing to let me get ready at the flat since some of my stuff was still there.

Serafina was lying in her crib when I walked into her nursery, wide awake but just contentedly kicking her chubby little legs and chewing on her fist. I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I picked her up and cradled her close. She smelled so good, like Johnson's and Johnson's and that perfect baby smell, but even better, because she was mine.

"How's my Sunny girl? Papa missed you so much," I told her as I peppered her face with kisses. She just gurgled in response and grabbed a piece of my hair where it was hanging in my face, but it was enough. Just being around her reaffirmed why I was doing this; why I was putting myself out there. The chance to always have her and Harry in my life was worth the risk of rejection.

We spent the next several hours just hanging out, and I did my best to relax, though my nerves started to creep back as time ticked by. A hot shower did little to calm me, the clock suddenly moving way too fast for my liking as I ran through my prepared speech again and again in my head. Before I knew it it was time to go, and I took a deep breath, unwilling to let my fear of the unknown keep me from doing what I needed to do. What I had to do to turn what Harry and I had into forever.

"Hey Sunny, you got a good luck kiss for Papa? I'm about to go ask Daddy to be mine forever, so that we can always be a family," I whispered to her as I kissed her goodbye. She looked back at me with bright eyes, those same eyes that reminded me so much of Harry. Those same eyes that I still wanted to be looking at in fifty years.

Jade could see that I was starting to lose it as I headed towards the door. "You have nothing to worry about," she assured me for the tenth time.

"You can't know that. I know that he loves me now, but what if he's not sure about the future? What if this is enough for him?"

"I do know. I see the way he looks at you Zayn, when he thinks you can't see him. He looks at you like you hung the moon, because for him, you did. And I can guarantee he's thought about marrying you."

Something about her tone made me think that she had proof of this, that she wasn't just guessing. "How can you be so sure?"

She hesitated for a moment before answering. "Did Perrie ever tell you what Harry said to her? The night you two got back together?"

I shook my head as I tried to think back to when Perrie had helped me out of the ocean, only vaguely recalling her saying that Harry had told her something that made her realize that her and I were never going to be together for real.

"He confronted her in the bar that night. He was scary angry, and he told her that she might be able to keep you two apart for now, but that he was going to marry you one day. I was right there Zayn. I heard it all, and I promise you that you have nothing to worry about. One way or another, that boy wants to spend the rest of his life with you."

I wrapped her up in a tight hug, grateful for her reassuring words and for the fact that we could talk about these things openly, with no lingering weirdness.

She pushed me away with a laugh. "Enough stalling. Go get your man."

***

Harry must have been waiting on the other side of the door for me, because he opened it before I'd even finished knocking. "Why didn't you use your key..." he began, his voice trailing off as his eyes scanned my body. I was wearing a black suit, black shirt and black tie, since I knew Harry liked me best in this color.

He smiled brightly when I pulled a bouquet of flowers out from behind my back, his hand automatically reaching out to take them, and suddenly I wasn't quite as nervous. No, suddenly I was excited. Excited to take Harry out on the town and excited to tell him how I felt.

"I brought you flowers," I said, though it was obvious. Okay, so maybe I was still a little nervous. "You look gorgeous babe." And he did. He had opted to wear black as well, and his skintight jeans fit him like a glove, leaving little to the imagination. He'd topped his black t-shirt with a leopard print jacket, and his curls were hanging loose around his face. He took my breath away.

"Thank you for the flowers; they're beautiful," he pronounced, leaning forward to give me a kiss. I turned my head at the last second, earning a growl of protest from him as his lips landed on my cheek.

"A gentleman doesn't kiss until the end of the date," I teased.

"I'm pretty sure that that's only true for first dates," he insisted, stepping closer and running his fingers along my lapel as he bit his lip. Fuck, he looked cute when he did that. I could feel my resolve weakening already, and I took a step backwards, as if an extra foot of space would keep me from wanting to kiss him. 

"But we've never  _really_  been on a proper date, just the two of us, where we didn't have to hide anything. And I wanna make sure I do it right."

He sighed dramatically as he ran his hand through his hair. "I guess I can wait for a few hours then. Maybe."

I offered him my arm as we walked to the car, opening the door for him before climbing in on the other side and motioning to the driver.

"I can't believe we're finally going out on a real date, to a real restaurant where everyone will be able to see us," Harry admitted as we rode towards the heart of the city, causing me to remember a conversation that we'd had back in January, on the first night that he and I had been together in every sense of the word.

By the time we pulled up outside the restaurant I had made up my mind. I stepped out of the car first and ran around to open his door, grabbing his hand and pulling him to my side.

"Fuck being a gentleman," I told him as I reached up to cup his cheek. "I made you a promise and I'm gonna keep it." With that I brought my lips to his, kissing him like there was no tomorrow. Like there weren't a bunch of people watching us, people who were sure to post pictures of this moment all over the internet, because I didn't care. All I cared about was showing him that I was proud to be with him, and that I didn't give a damn who knew it.

He was a little breathless by the time I broke the kiss, giggling as if in a daze, and I couldn't help but smile smugly, knowing that I was the one who did that to him. I wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him as I led him into the restaurant, which was so fancy and not  _us_  that I worried for a moment that he'd hate it.

One look at his face told me that he didn't hate it at all. And I found that I didn't hate it either. I didn't care what we ate or how snotty the maitre d' was; all that mattered was that I was there with Harry, and that I could be as affectionate with him as I wanted. As soon as we sat down I could feel Harry's foot hook around my ankle, sliding under my pant leg and making goosebumps break out over my skin. I reached across the table to take his hand, barely focusing enough to notice that the waiter had arrived.

I knew that it was rude, but I didn't take my eyes off of Harry as I asked the waiter to bring us a bottle of red wine. Harry always got happy and giggly after a few glasses, and I wasn't above using that to my advantage.

"You're looking extra handsome tonight Zee," he told me as his foot slipped up a bit higher on my leg.

"Harry..." I murmured, but there was no conviction in my warning. He looked amazing, and just being out with him like this - being able to touch him in public, to show everyone that we were a couple - was making it difficult for me to stop myself from dragging him off to the loo for a quickie. He wasn't helping matters, his foot moving higher and higher with each sip of wine he took until it was practically on my lap. I reached down to rub his foot through his sock, both as an excuse to touch him more and as a way to keep him from where I was already half hard.  As much as I wanted it, I didn't relish the idea of telling our grandkids about him getting me off under the table when we recounted the story of this night on our sixtieth anniversary.

I asked our server to take a picture of us when our food arrived, and while he looked a bit taken aback, clearly not used to this type of request, Harry looked overjoyed. His whole face lit up and he let out a loud laugh as I handed my phone ever, tossing his head back with the force of his glee. Seeing him this happy warmed my heart as a burst of pride shot through me. I loved being the one to make him laugh like that. It wasn't even hard to do, but his laugh was one of my favorite sounds in the world, and his smile was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and I loved knowing that I was the cause of it.

The food was delicious, though I was pretty sure that we could have been eating cardboard and it still would have tasted good. Everything seemed extra special that night, like there was magic in the air. It could have just been the same electricity that always seemed to crackle between us, the sun feeling warmer, the stars shining brighter, the rain smelling better when we were together. Everything was always better with him by my side, but tonight there was something more. Something that gave me confidence that we were in fact meant to be together.

I fed him my last piece of steak, even reaching over to wipe a bit of sauce from the corner of his mouth despite the fact that half of the restaurant seemed to be staring at us. Harry didn't seem to care either, if the way that he captured my thumb between his lips, his tongue darting out to lick over the pad of it, was anything to go by.

God, I loved this man so much. I loved that he was always unapologetically himself, unafraid to show the world who he truly was. I loved that he could go from cheeky to caring, from lustful to loving, in a second flat. I loved everything about him, and as I took his hand to lead him out of the restaurant, I found myself getting more excited than ever about the prospect of spending the rest of my life by his side.

I loosened my tie as we walked to the car, and as soon as we were safely inside I slide it off and tied it around his eyes.

"I like where this is heading," he teased, an impish grin on his face. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?" he asked as he nuzzled my neck.

"Nope," I said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before settling back in my seat.

"Well, then you're gonna have to think of some way to entertain me as we head to this secret location," he muttered, reaching blindly for the button to close the partition between us and the driver. In his haste he managed to roll down his window, open the sunroof and turn on the overhead light, basically everything except closing the screen. I brushed his hand away with a laugh, and he smiled as he heard the partition start to close.

"Now where were we..." he murmured, placing his hand on my knee. It didn't stay there for long, sliding quickly and insistently towards its intended destination. I grabbed it to stop it in its path, knowing that no matter how strong I liked to pretend that I was, I wouldn't be able to resist  _that_  for long.

He whined in protest, but I held firm. Unfortunately Harry knew other ways to break me down, and he wasn't afraid to use them to get what he wanted. So he left his hand where it was on my thigh, but he leaned closer to me, crowding my body with his as his lips met my ear.

"Come on Zee, what do you want from me? You look so fucking sexy in that suit, and I've been thinking about tasting you all night," he whispered, pausing every few words to nip at my ear and kiss at my neck.

I groaned and shifted in my seat, my pants getting tighter as my resolve started to melt away. I tried to steady myself by reaching out to grab his thigh, but that only freed up his hand. He continued kissing my neck as his hand moved higher, until he was palming me through my pants.

"Look how hard you are for me love. Just let me kiss it. Please baby, I just need a taste," he begged, and suddenly I couldn't think of one goddamn reason to say no. We were in public? We might be telling our grandkids the story of this night in sixty years? How could any of that possibly matter when we were the only two people in the world? Because in that moment, everything and everyone else had disappeared for me. It was just Harry and me, alone and in love and wanting each other. So yeah, how could I possibly deny him this one small request?

I turned my head to kiss him, letting him know with my actions instead of my words that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. He tasted of the red wine from dinner, rich and full and perfect, and the soft touch of his tongue against mine had my head spinning in no time.

He pushed me away from him all too quickly, and I briefly considered removing my tie from his eyes and using it to bind his hands instead, so that I could keep him exactly where I wanted him. But then he was climbing on top of me and grinding down just right, and I decided that I was just fine with whatever he wanted to do to me. My head dropped back as his hips began to move more quickly, and yeah, I liked where this was heading.

"Reminds me of when we watched Love Actually," Harry leaned down to whisper. "You were on top of me, hard and so fucking gorgeous, and I felt like all my dreams were coming true." I grabbed his hips more firmly as I thought back to that night. To how good he had felt in between my thighs, and how perfectly his lips had moved against mine. To how beautiful he'd looked when he came.

I slid my hands down to his ass, holding him down as I moved my hips against his more quickly. I had been turned on all night, tortured by his smile and his words and his touch, and I knew that I wasn't going to last long.

"Fuck Haz, I'm gonna come so hard," I warned him. He scrambled off of me immediately, settling himself on his knees between my thighs as I fumbled with my belt. He was still blindfolded, and he looked so fucking sinful as I guided him towards my length, his lips parted and slick as he kissed his way down my cock.

His mouth was warm and wet and perfect, and the things he could do with it were obscene. I moved my hands to his hair as he braced his hands on my thighs and took me all the way to the back of his throat. I raised my hips to push in just a little bit farther, wanting to feel his throat clench around my tip. He gagged, his fingertips digging into my legs, and that was all it took for me to come, spilling down his throat while his name spilled from my mouth, again and again.

As soon as I'd caught my breath I pulled him up and pushed him back against the seat. He sprawled out next to me as I unbuttoned his jeans, only pushing them down enough to pull his cock out before my tongue was snaking out to lick at his tip. His hands moved to my head as his hips aimed for my mouth. I ignored him, enjoying the way he wiggled underneath me as I continued to tease him.

"Zayn! I highly suggest you suck me off unless you want me to nut all over your face," he yelled, and I could feel his hands ball into fists in my hair.

"As appealing as that sounds, now's probably not the best time for that," I chuckled, wrapping my lips around him and taking in as much of him as I could before he had a chance to complain any further. He sighed in relief as I hollowed my cheeks and began to suck him harder, holding down him down with one hand and using the other to cup his balls. He was coming seconds later, tugging on my hair as his back arched off of the seat. He tasted as good as he always did, and I swallowed it all down, wanting anything he was willing to give me.

He let out a breathless laugh as he sat up and tried to straighten his clothes. Between the blindfold and his buzz he wasn't having much luck, and he quickly gave up, looking in my direction with a pout. I shook my head, but I still got him dressed with a smile before tucking my own shirt back in and trying to look presentable.

I looked out the window as I felt the car start to slow down, and I realized that we were already at our destination. I felt excitement bubble up inside of me once more, and I took a second to rub my hands over my face, trying to calm my nerves a bit before I took off Harry's blindfold. I wasn't doing a very good job, my hands shaking a little as I helped Harry from the car.

He clapped his hands in excitement as I started to untie his blindfold. I kept my eyes on him as he took his first look around, more interested in his reaction than in what he was looking at. His eyes lit up as they swept from side to side, taking in the lights and the trees and the Santas and the rides and everything else that the Christmas carnival had to offer.

A slow smile spread across his face and I moved closer to him, sliding an arm around his waist as he turned towards me.

"I know it's cheesy as fuck, and I did end up renting out the whole park out for us, but it's as close to that date that we talked about that one night on the bus as I could get on short notice, so I hope it's okay. I just wanted us to be able to do all the things we had talked about and-"

"It's perfect," he cut me off. "It's absolutely perfect. I love it."

I let out a sigh of relief, grateful that he hadn't laughed in my face and called me a sentimental sap, which would have been a totally justified reaction. "Thank god. Then just put these on," I ordered, reaching into the car and pulling out the hat and mittens that I had bought earlier, "and we can do whatever your heart desires."

He let out a loud laugh as he pulled on the green cap, leaving the bright red one for me. I knew that I probably looked like an idiot in it, but I didn't care, not when I was going to be able to look at him all night, his curls peeking out from under his cap and his eyes looking brighter than ever.

"Gotta keep my baby warm," I murmured as I pulled his hat down to cover his ears.

He reached his gloved hands up to cup my cheeks, pulling me in for a sweet kiss before taking a step back and grabbing my hand. "How do we decide what to do first?" he wondered out loud. "There's so much to choose from."  

"So let's do it all," I said with a smile, not wanting him to miss out on any of the things that we had dreamed about. So we did. We did them all. We ate cotton candy and rode all the rides and played all the games. We went ice skating and held hands the entire time, even though it meant that he fell down every time that I did. Harry won a gold fish that he immediately named Buster for reasons unbeknownst to me, and after almost enough money to rent out the carnival for another night I finally won him a giant teddy bear.

"You know you're carrying that for me all night, right?" he teased as he took a bite of his funnel cake.

"Wouldn't have it any other way love," I agreed with a smile, my mouth dropping open in surprise as he coated my nose in powdered sugar.

"What?" he asked as he slid his arms around my waist and leaned forward to kiss it away. " I thought you said we were going to do everything we talked about."

I moved my head so that my lips met his. "That I did, which is why there's one more place we have to go."

I looked down at my watch for what had to be the hundredth time that night, and I grabbed his hand and started to walk a bit faster as I realized that I needed to hurry.

"Where are we going? And why are you running?" he asked, his long legs keeping up with my fast strides easily.

"I'm pretty sure that we mentioned making out at the top of the Ferris wheel, and there's no way I want to miss out on that," was the only answer I was able to give him.

Harry jumped into the compartment ahead of me and I smiled fondly when I saw that he was practically bouncing in his seat, happy that he was having as much fun as I was. But as the ride started moving things felt a little bit less fun as worry began to creep back in. We'd been so busy since we'd arrived, and the glow of the bright lights and the smell of the pine trees surrounding us and the sound of Christmas carols playing had all combined to make me almost forget that I had brought Harry here for another reason. And now that I remembered it was all I could think of, my heart beating impossibly fast as fear of rejection washed through me.

I looked over at Harry, who seemed to be completely oblivious to the nervous breakdown that I was about to have as he looked out at the city below us. He looked so beautiful, his skin so pale that it was practically glowing in the moonlight, an ever present smile on his face as he took in all the fair had to offer. I pushed my nerves to the side, knowing that he needed to know where I stood, and that I was willing to be turned down by him a million times if there was even a sliver of hope that he could say yes.

"Hey Harry?" I whispered. He turned towards me, the full force of his attention on me immediately. When he looked at me like that I felt like we were the only people in the whole world. The weight of that took my breath away for a moment, and I squeezed his hand as I slid closer, trying to get my bearings.

"You okay Zee?," he asked, his forehead crinkling in concern. "You look worried. What's on your mind babe?"

"I'm just thinking about you. About us," I began, trying for the billionth time to come up with the best way to convey my feelings. "I'm always thinking of you, and I always want to be able to. I love remembering all of the things that we've done together, but I never want to have to remember you, cause if I'm remembering you then it would mean that we were over; that you were in my past. And I need you to be in my forever."

He smiled at me, reaching forward to hold my other hand as well. I glanced down at my watch as he opened his mouth to speak but I didn't give him the chance, needing to get this out.

"It's midnight, which means that it's been exactly one year since our first kiss. I...I never could have imagined that things would turn out the way that they have, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Meeting you changed my life, but kissing you that night changed my whole world. I swear that mountains moved, stars exploded, all that sappy shit," I said with a shy smile.

"You've given me so much Harry. Without you the band wouldn't be the same, if it existed at all. Without you I wouldn't know what it was like to love someone so completely - so much that it scares the shit out of me - and to be loved that much too. Without you we wouldn't have our beautiful daughter. Without you I wouldn't have anything. You've given me everything Hazza, more than I ever could have imagined, and I know that I'll never be able to give you as much in return, but I hope that you'll give me the chance to try. Because I want to. I wanna try for the rest of our lives."

He pulled me forward and kissed me, but I only let myself get lost in it for a moment. There was still so much that needed to be said.

"I can't believe that a year ago I wasn't even able to admit my feelings for you, and now I can't imagine my life without you. You're my everything, and I love you for  _you_. I'll still love you when you're old and gray and not famous anymore and you've spent all of your money on ugly shirts and hair products. We've become friends and lovers and boyfriends and fathers, but you're so much more than that to me."

My whole body was trembling as I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out the little black box that in that moment symbolized my future.

"I thought of a million different ways to do this, and I even practiced getting down on one knee, but in the end this just felt right. Just you and me, right under the stars, on the date that we planned out all those months ago but that I was afraid we'd never get to have," I said before taking a deep breath. "Harold Edward Styles, will you marry me and make me the happiest man alive?"

"YES!" he shouted. "Yes, yes, a million times yes!" The cart shook as he jumped onto my lap and I laughed against his lips, feeling happier than I could ever remember feeling. I held onto him as tightly as I could, tighter than I ever had before, not willing to let him go now that he was finally all mine. I didn't know how I had gotten so lucky, but with the lights of the city in the background and the man I loved under my fingertips, I felt like I had the whole world at my feet.

Harry was looking down at me with wonder in his eyes, almost as if he thought that he was the lucky one. I kissed him, his lips tasting of powdered sugar and cotton candy and love. I poured everything I had into the kiss, all the friendship and lust and love I felt for him, all of the plans and hopes and dreams I had for our future, needing him to know that I was always going to be his. Always and forever.


	75. Epilogue

                                                                                     

_**18 months later...** _

I rested my head on the cool glass of the window in Serafina's room, looking down at our backyard and all of the people milling about as I fought to quiet the thundering in my chest. She was asleep in my arms, heavy and sprawled out, completely oblivious to the fact that this was one of the biggest days of her fathers' lives. It had been a risky move, lifting her out of her crib during nap time, especially on a day when everyone was counting on her behaving (which was never even close to a guarantee or even a likelihood), but I'd needed her. Needed to see her smile in her sleep as I kissed her cheek, to play with her curls and smell her strawberry shampoo. Needed her to calm me the fuck down.

It wasn't the commitment that I was worried about. I'd been counting down the days until I could marry Harry since the moment I'd proposed. No, it was the fear that something could go wrong; that I might screw something up and ruin the day for Harry. I needed things to be perfect for him.

Not that he'd put any pressure on me. Quite the opposite in fact. He'd suggested that we skip a big affair and head to the courthouse or Vegas before we'd even made it off of the Ferris wheel. I'd been tempted to agree with him. After all, I couldn't wait to be married to him, to have him be mine in every way possible, and it would have been a fucking blessing to be able to avoid the media circus that would surround a wedding between us. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to take any shortcuts when it came to Harry. I wanted him to have a wedding that he would always look back on with no regrets, and I wanted us to be able to look at photographs from the big day on our fifty year anniversary. I wanted to see him walking down the aisle towards me and to kiss him at the altar and to feed him cake. And most of all I wanted to promise to be his forever, out loud, in front of all of our loved ones.

So we'd set about planning our wedding, Harry taking the lead on most of the decision making, though I was always willing to give my opinion when he asked. Between two more tours and recording another album we'd taken a lot longer to get here than I'd anticipated, but I knew that the wait would be worth it as soon as I could call him my husband.

The time had passed quickly, Serafina amazing us more and more every day. At first I'd tried to insist that she call me Captain of the Universe, but I was glad that we'd decided on Papa when "Pa" ended up being the first word she said. She'd been learning new words left and right ever since, and I was fairly certain that she was a genius. 

Her second word had surprised us all, though I'd never seen Niall happier than when she randomly shouted out "Bud!" when he'd walked into the room. He'd insisted that she'd been talking to him, and that we were all to call him Bud whenever he was in her presence from then on. This led to Liam and Louis insisting that they be called Bro and Dude, so now Serafina basically sounded like a drunk frat boy whenever she was around them. It was adorable honestly, but pretty much everything she did was.

She laughed like a loon, like Harry, wild and free, like it couldn't be contained, her whole body shaking with it. She liked to be naked as much as her Daddy did too, always stripping down and trying to take her diaper off. But maybe nurture had a little something to do with how we turn out too, because she was also a lot like me. Quiet until she had something she felt was important enough to say, when she would have no problem making herself heard, and perfectly content to spend hours coloring or being read to.

We'd discovered that a baby is a really good buffer during the first visit from my parents, right after Serafina had been born. It had been really nice to see my dad again, and to not have him look at me with disgust in his eyes. I could see that he'd finally realized that Harry and I were truly in love, that this wasn't just some passing phase, and I think him seeing that, up close and undeniable, allowed him to accept me back into his heart.

Our problems hadn't all disappeared with the birth of the baby though, and things hadn't all been perfect. Harry still wanted to go out more often than I did, and plenty of nights had ended with shouting and slammed doors. But we'd learned when to push and when to give in, and we never stayed mad at each other for long.

A bigger issue was that we could barely take the baby out in public without fear of her getting hurt when we were mobbed by fans and paps, or worry that she'd overhear the cruel things people would sometimes shout at us, condemning us for being together and questioning my place in her life, cruelly referring to Harry as her "real father".

But overall our life together was fucking amazing. We'd traveled the world - seen almost everything there was to see - but nothing meant as much to me as the nights that the three of us spent at home together. We'd all dress up in superhero costumes and play with her toys, or we'd spend hours reading to her, Harry using different voices for all of the characters, and once I'd used the body paint Harry had bought to give Serafina her own tattoo sleeve, which she'd loved and Harry had pretended to hate while trying not to smile. And then as soon as she fell asleep Harry and I would relax on the sofa or in bed, cuddling and feeding each other pizza or Chinese food or whatever Harry had whipped up for us in the kitchen. It was perfect really, all that I could ask for.

I was interrupted from my thoughts when a voice on the other side of the door startled me out of my memories.

"Zayn? You in there?" Harry asked, and even through the thick wood I could hear how nervous he sounded.

"Harry? Baby? You okay?" Serafina stirred but didn't wake as I walked across the room.

I heard Harry clear his throat, and his voice sounded a lot steadier when he answered. "I'm good, just missed you."

I smiled at his words. We'd been apart for less than twelve hours, but I'd been missing him the entire time. "I miss you too, but we aren't supposed to see each other before the wedding."

"I just want one last kiss from my fiancé. Is that too much to ask?" I could practically hear him pouting through the door, and the truth was that there was no way that I was going to deny him anything. Not today, and especially not when I wanted to kiss him just as badly.

"Alright," I agreed, shifting Serafina to my side and opening the door a crack with my free hand. "But we both have to keep our eyes closed, okay?"

"My eyes are closed and my lips are ready," he said immediately. I closed my eyes as my hand found his through the opening in the door, and I felt that familiar tingle, the one that had always been there, ever since the first time we'd touched. He pulled me towards him gently, and I felt his other hand cup my cheek as our lips met.

The kiss was sweet and gentle and perfect, and just like always, I wanted more. I tried to deepen it, just wanting to get a taste of him now that he was right in front of me, but Harry pulled away. "Gotta save the good stuff for the ceremony," he teased, and I knew without opening my eyes what face he was making.

"I swear to god Styles, I would kiss that smirk right off your face if I wasn't holding Sunny right now."

Harry laughed, rich and deep. "Why don't you put her back in her crib and we can forget all about this silly superstition and have some fun."

"Harry..." I warned.

"Alright, alright, I'm going," he grumbled, but I knew he wasn't mad. He may have pretended to not care about tradition, but he was a sucker for all this romantic shit.

 "See you at the altar babe."

"I'll be the one in white. I love you Zee."

"I love you too Harry, and I can't wait to marry you."

Harry made a kissing noise at that, and a few minutes later I could hear him downstairs, directing the staff we'd hired for the day. I just shook my head as I put Serafina back into her crib and headed to the guest room to get dressed. The wedding planning had brought out a side of him that I'd never seen before, and I had to admit that it was kind of sexy to see him so in control, knowing exactly what he wanted and willing to do whatever it took to see it happen.

Harry wasn't exactly a Bridezilla (he was unfailingly polite whenever he made one of his many requests), but he wasn't exactly  _not_  a Bridezilla either (his requests could more accurately be called demands). I'd let him have free reign over the whole affair, just wanting to make him as happy as he was making me.

All of which led to me standing at an altar that had been set up in our backyard in the middle of June while an instrumental version of 18 played, watching Harry walk down an aisle of rose petals with Anne on his arm. He was wearing a bright white suit over a mostly unbuttoned white shirt, and he was staring straight at me as he got closer and closer.

I hadn't been exactly sure how it was supposed to work, the walking down the aisle bit, when there wasn't a bride, but I did know that I wanted to be able to watch Harry walk towards me, so I'd insisted on heading down first, my mum on my arm. And I was so glad that I had, because the sight of him, decked out all in white and looking just as happy as I felt, was something that I never wanted to forget.

There were flowers everywhere, and candles and sparkling lights creating a warm glow, but I couldn't see any of it. All I could see was Harry, walking towards me, his every step bringing him closer to me and to the next stage of our life together.

Most of the ceremony was a bit of a blur, not only figuratively but also literally, as I couldn't stop my eyes from tearing up as I said my vows and slid his wedding band onto his finger.

"With this ring, I give you my heart. I promise from this day forward, you shall never walk alone. May my heart be your shelter, and my arms be your home."

My next words were cut off as a pair of lips met my own, Harry's hand cupping my chin as he kissed me. "Sorry, I couldn't wait," he shrugged with a smile as he pulled away. Our guests all laughed, but I knew that wasn't his goal. He was a natural born performer, but for once he wasn't playing to the audience. His kiss and his smile and his words were all meant just for me. I couldn't believe that this was the same guy who hadn't been brave enough to kiss me until we were dared to, and I couldn't believe that I was the same person who had been too afraid to kiss him, or to tell him how I felt, and now here we were, about to promise to love and cherish one another forever.

The next thing I knew Sunny was squirming out of Gemma's arms and toddling down the aisle towards us. "Me kiss Papa! No Daddy, me!"

As I scooped her up I realized with a start that one day she'd kiss a boy or a girl and fall in love and that I'd be walking her down the aisle. And I could only hope that she'd be as happy with whomever she loved as I was with Harry.

"I've always got a kiss for my favorite girl," I promised her, kissing one of her cheeks as Harry kissed the other. She stayed in my arms for the rest of the ceremony, but Harry and I didn't mind. It seemed only fitting, as she was such a huge part of our lives and always would be. When I said my vows to Harry I was also making a vow to her, letting her know that we would always be a family.

She stayed quiet as we said the rest of our vows and Harry slid my wedding band - the one we'd engraved with the word  _Forever_ , just as Harry's ring said  _Always_ , so that between our rings and our tattoos we'd both never be without the written promise of our love - and before I knew it we were being pronounced husband and husband. My heart pounded a little harder at those words, and then Harry and I were kissing once again. It was deep and long and perfect, promising a night and a lifetime of lust and love. And then I was walking back down the aisle, this time with my husband at my side and our little girl in my arms, and my heart had never felt fuller.

Our reception was amazing. We didn't have that many guests, as we'd only wanted to invite those closest to us, but we loved everyone there and they all loved us, and the night passed in a blur of drinks and well wishes and fun and friendship.

Ed sang Thinking Out Loud while Harry and I shared our first dance, right there in the backyard we had spent so many nights in, both of us barefoot as we swayed back and forth, ignoring any attempt at actually dancing in favor of holding each other tight and moving to the beat of our hearts, which were pressed together and now joined in every way possible.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Harry asked as the song came to an end.

"That I love you? 'Cause that's what I'm thinking," I murmured as I lifted his hand to my lips so that I could kiss the tattoo on his wrist.

"I'm always thinking that, but right now I'm also thinking about you and me maybe heading upstairs for some alone time. What do you say?" he asked, his tone hopeful as his eyes sparkled with mischief.

"I'm not going to fuck my husband for the first time in a rush, with a houseful of guests within hearing distance. We're gonna enjoy the party and then go slow bone in our bed."

He seemed okay with that, tossing his head back with laughter before spinning me around and attempting to dip me. It didn't go well, both of us collapsing onto the grass. He took advantage of his position above me, kissing me hard enough to make me rethink my stance on a quickie. But as much as I wanted him, I was willing to wait until we were alone.

The moon was high in the sky as the party started to wind down, and I wasn't sure if the stars were actually shining brighter than they ever had before, as if they were lit up by our love, or if it just seemed that way through the veil of happiness that I was looking at everything with. The night was perfect, and I could tell that Harry felt the same way, his smile never leaving his face and his eyes never straying from mine for long, even as he played host and made his rounds.

He surprised me by serenading me with I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, my eyes tearing up for the millionth time as I danced with Serafina, letting his raspy voice fill my ears and my love for him fill my soul as I twirled her around on our makeshift dance floor. She was delighted, as she was any time Harry sang for us. She seemed to enjoy the whole night, acting uncharacteristically angelic as all of our friends and family doted on her. But by far her favorite part of the evening came when it was time to cut the cake.

Her entire face lit up, matching the look of wonder on Harry's face as he held her and we started to cut the cake, which was far bigger than either of us had expected.

"I don't know which of my girls is more excited for cake," I teased Harry as I brought a bite up to his lips, feeding him with my fingers as he did the same to me. We both fed Serafina a bite next, Harry not complaining about feeding her sugar for once (which he knew was pointless, as I was notorious for giving her whatever she wanted as soon as he turned his back), since it was such a special occasion.

And then we were saying goodbye to all of our guests and giving Serafina extra kisses before Jade took her back to hers. We knew that it was standard for newlyweds to spend their first night of married life in a fancy hotel suite, but we had seen enough hotel rooms to last a lifetime, and we wanted to spend our first night as husbands in our own bed.

I couldn't wait to get him upstairs, not just for the obvious reason but also because we'd both written our own vows, ones that we'd opted not to say during the ceremony, wanting our true vows to be for each other's ears only. He must have been just as excited as me, because I only had to slap his ass once before he was racing up the stairs, me hot on his heels as our laughter rang out through the now empty house.

We both fell onto the bed and I pulled him in for a long kiss, unbuttoning his shirt as he undid my already loosened tie. I took a long look at him as we broke apart. His hair was hanging loose around his shoulders, his lips were bright red and puffy from me kissing him all night, his eyes were sparkling, and he was mine. He was finally all mine, and though I wanted so badly to kiss him some more, and to show him with my body how much I loved and needed him, I wanted to tell him with my words first.

He took both of my hands in his as we sat up, facing each other, our knees touching as we scooted as close to each other as we could. He smiled shyly at me, his eyes never leaving mine as he started to speak.

"Today I became the luckiest man alive, because I got to marry the man who is not only my best friend, but who is also the person who has shown me what it means to love someone unconditionally, and to be loved unconditionally. You came into my life when I was just a boy, and you blew me away with your beauty and talent and kindness. You showed me what kind of man I wanted to be, and you quieted the little voice in my head that always told me that I would never be loved for who I really was, deep inside. 

"You're the most beautiful person I've ever met Zayn, both inside and out, and I feel truly blessed that I'm going to be able to spend a lifetime with you by my side. I promise to cherish you, and our love, every minute of my life. I promise to always be there for you, and to hug and kiss you every day, and to never let you forget how special you are. I promise to always hold your hand when we go on walks, and to never stop texting you jokes, because I know that you secretly love them even though you pretend not to. I promise to always bake you a cake on your birthday, and to force you to eat your vegetables because I need you to be strong and healthy so that we can spend as many years together as possible. I promise to never laugh at your dreams, and to always support you.

"I promise to love you with all of my heart Zayn, today and tomorrow and always. Always and forever."

Tears were streaming down both of our faces by the time he finished speaking, and I rolled my eyes as I wiped my nose, hating what a sap I'd turned into, but also loving it, because it was just another sign of how much Harry meant to me, and of how much his love had changed me for the better. I leaned forward to give him a kiss, my lips lingering on his as I tried to remember everything that I wanted to say to him.

"I've never been as good with words as you are Harry, but I promise to always tell you that I love you, and to show you as well, in the way that I look at you, and hold you, and kiss you. Because I swear that my eyes were made to look into yours, and my arms were made to hold you, because our souls were made for one another.

"There's not one thing that I don't love about you. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. Not just because of your eyes and your lips and your curls, but because of who you are inside. You're a truly good person, and you make me want to be better as well. I feel so lucky to call you mine, and to be yours, and I promise you that I will work every day of our lives to be a man who deserves to be with you.

"There will never be a time when I won't love you. I want to memorize every part of you, all of your freckles and scars and laughs and kisses. I want to know your every hope and wish and fantasy, and I want to make them all come true. I want it all with you, the kisses and the cuddles and the fights and the making up. I want all of you Harry. Always and forever."

And then I was flat on my back, Harry on top of me as he covered my face with kisses. My breath was knocked out of me for a second, the weight of him on my body and the meaning of all we'd both just said making it hard to breathe. I rolled us over so that I could really kiss him, fully and deeply, the way he deserved. He was my husband, my love, my everything. He was my forever, and our love was everything, all that I could ever want or need.

 

_**THE END...** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say a massive thank you for everyone for sticking with this long ass fic. I started it a few months ago because I couldn't get that damn bunk bed scene out of my head and it just kind of spiraled from there...I really have no excuse. It's the first creative writing I've ever done, and every kudos, every comment, and every kind word brightened my day and made me smile, and I am so grateful to you all for that.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I'd love to know what you thought of it! I also posted a bit of a prologue to this story, and I'll be posting some other B&B one shots as well if you want to check them out.
> 
> XOXO,
> 
> Cait


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